Rude or just socially unaware?

[Katy Belle]

Rude vs. socially unaware... are they the same thing?

I have a neighbor that I think does rude things, often I have a friend who doesn't think the neighbor is rude, she just thinks she's "socially unaware." Kind of a "she doesn't know better" kind of thing. Do you think that is true of most rude people?? I guess I kind of agree, in the sense that she must not REALIZE that what she does is considered rude by others... but why not??

Ok, the neighbor, Jan, is approximately 40, has 4 kids, oldest 19 youngest
12. Just telling you that so you realize she's not young and inexperienced Here are a few things she's done recently.... yesterday, rang our doorbell at 6:10 a.m. to give me mail for my DH to take to work and mail for her. 6:10 is a bit early in my humble opinion and rude. I leave the house to take my kids to school at 7:20, she knows this.

The DAY another neighbor got home from the hospital with her new born baby, Jan rang the doorbell. When they answered she said, "Do you have a bread pan I could borrow? I accidently made too much bread dough." Ummm, sure. So she takes the pan and says "thank you." No mention of the baby, no congratulations, no "how are you feeling?", nothing. Ok. The next day she rang the doorbell again, with the bread pan full of bread! Nice! And a crocheted baby dress.... but it is not cute... I don't know how to describe it... it is made with really thick yarn, it reminds me of a thing my Grandma used to put on her tissue boxes She hands the dress to the new mommy... no gift bag, just sort of pinches it at the top of the sleeve and hands it over. Then she says, "Well, I started this a long time ago for someone else and never finished it. I thought I might as well give it to you." OK then.

Pot luck dinners she's done some doozies. One time she went into her house, got a clean 9x13 pan and started loading up everyone else's leftovers to take home. No, we weren't finished eating. Not everyone had even arrived yet! We usually take home our own leftovers. Dessert... I swear their whole family watches as people set down their desserts... one lady made these cute tarts, set them down and Jan, her 3 kids, and her DH came like a swarm. They each ate THREE of the 20! There were literally 5 left when they stepped back. Rude? Just socially unaware? both? More pot luck.... she will bring dessert, set it out at dessert time, leave it long enough for them to polish off everyone else's offerings...and leave, with their dessert they brought. They don't stay around to chit chat. They eat and run. And I know you are thinking, "perhaps they don't feel welcome." We visit with them, invite them to things, etc. We do make an effort.

A few weeks ago she asked me if my boys go to Boy Scouts. Yes. She knows this, by the way. She asks if her son can ride with us. I asked if she had spoken to the Scoutmaster about starting so late in the year. No. So I suggested she talk to him and then perhaps we could work something out. I told her that on the nights I can't drive them due to my younger boy having cub scouts, my DH drives all the way home from work, 40 min, to get the boys, and then back to Scouts on that side of town, 35 min. And it would be great if she could take them and he would bring them home. "Oh no, I don't want to do any of the driving, I want to stay home with my husband. I found someone else to drive my girls to youth group on that night and I thought if he could go to scouts then I could stay home with my husband." Ok... yeah. Rude? I know we are taking ours anyway... but it sure felt rude! The ScoutMaster must have told them its too late in the year, because I haven't heard any more about it.

There are more, but I will stop. In the whole grand scheme of things, not a big deal. It just got me to thinking... I guess rude people don't REALIZE they are being rude.... right?

 

[golfgal]

Yes, I would say that they don't realize they are being rude but it still isn't an excuse for rude behavior. I remember when our kids were little and I was working on things like table manners with them. We talked about things like putting your napkin on your lap, which forks to use, etc. Dh grew up in a family that never went out to eat, let alone to a nice restaurant that had more than one fork to use. He kept making comments about that information not being necessary--um, sorry but it is. He then started having to travel a lot for work and it always included dinner at very nice restaurants. He was then thankful for learning all of that "stuff".

I also think some of the rude behavior is a byproduct of the "it's all about me" mentality that is rampant in the US-who cares if there aren't enough tarts for everyone else-we got here first.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

With people like that, especially people my own age and older, I always kind of assume they have an undiagnosed neuro thing, like Asperger's or something. Sometimes people that off beat really can't control thier impulses.

 

[OceanAnnie]

She sounds odd, but only because she is so self-centered. I think if the shoe was on the other foot and she was the recipient of the behaviors she exhibits, she would find it rude. Some people just don't see themselves, their actions.

I don't think she is socially unaware. It sounds more like it's her world and everyone else is scenery or props.

 

[Robinrs]

I work with a girl like that, very selfish and self centered.... in other words RUDE.

 

[Evil Genius]

Being rude and socially inept are two different things. Rude, you know what you are doing is incorrect but really don't care. Socially inept, you don't have a clue that what your are saying/doing is wrong. Personally, I think your neighbor is a little bit of both. Sounds like socially inept when it comes to things like potlucks and just plain old rude when asking to shuttle her kid around so that she and the hubby want some alone time.

 

[OceanAnnie]

You could test her and ring her doorbell at 6:10. See if she reacts.
j/k sort of.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep, she is rude. Can you leave her out of the pot luck invites?

 

[EllenFrasier]

The behavior is perceived as rudeness, but it may be that she and/or her husband have a mental disorder of some type. It doesn't sound like she realizes how her words or actions are coming across and doesn't seem to care either! If someone knocked on my door at that hour of the morning, they had better have an emergency. Why didn't you tell her that it was too early in the morning to be asking favors that are not emergencies and to come back after 7 when you said you'd be getting ready to leave? Someone has got to make an attempt to teach this woman some manners.

 

[Katy Belle]

She sounds odd, but only because she is so self-centered. I think if the shoe was on the other foot and she was the recipient of the behaviors she exhibits, she would find it rude. Some people just don't see themselves, their actions.

I don't think she is socially unaware. It sounds more like it's her world and everyone else is scenery or props.

I never really thought of her as self centered, but I see it now. Especially with the "no I don't want to do any of the driving."

I work with a girl like that, very selfish and self centered.... in other words RUDE.

The are the same thing! I think!

Being rude and socially inept are two different things. Rude, you know what you are doing is incorrect but really don't care. Socially inept, you don't have a clue that what your are saying/doing is wrong. Personally, I think your neighbor is a little bit of both. Sounds like socially inept when it comes to things like potlucks and just plain old rude when asking to shuttle her kid around so that she and the hubby want some alone time.

I think you got it. She is both!

You could test her and ring her doorbell at 6:10. See if she reacts.
j/k sort of.

Tempting...

Yep, she is rude. Can you leave her out of the pot luck invites?

Intersting that you bring that up We live on a cul de sac, so I feel its rude to have a big pot luck and not invite them. But... last weekend we had our Cinco De Mayo party at a friend's house a street over, so we wouldn't have to invite everyone on the cul-de-sac.

 

[MiniGirl]

Being rude and socially inept are two different things. Rude, you know what you are doing is incorrect but really don't care. Socially inept, you don't have a clue that what your are saying/doing is wrong. Personally, I think your neighbor is a little bit of both. Sounds like socially inept when it comes to things like potlucks and just plain old rude when asking to shuttle her kid around so that she and the hubby want some alone time.

I agree with this. If they have never been told to only take one item or to wait for everyone else to go through the line before going back for more, how do they know it is wrong? She hasn't learned through observation because she is self-centered. See, I don't even think that the whole carpool thing is rude but more of a self-centered thing.

When she rang your doorbell, did you ask her not to do it again? Has anyone told them they are only allowed 1 item of a tray? If they are just socially unaware or inept, just telling them and maybe reminding them before the next event would clear it up. If it doesn't, then we move on to just rude.

 

[Katy Belle]

With people like that, especially people my own age and older, I always kind of assume they have an undiagnosed neuro thing, like Asperger's or something. Sometimes people that off beat really can't control thier impulses.

I think with Jan, you may be right... I think she really just doesn't notice things... even down to the way she dresses.

The behavior is perceived as rudeness, but it may be that she and/or her husband have a mental disorder of some type. It doesn't sound like she realizes how her words or actions are coming across and doesn't seem to care either! If someone knocked on my door at that hour of the morning, they had better have an emergency. Why didn't you tell her that it was too early in the morning to be asking favors that are not emergencies and to come back after 7 when you said you'd be getting ready to leave? Someone has got to make an attempt to teach this woman some manners.

You know, I've had children ring my doorbell way too early and I do tell them! I didn't even think to say anything, I was shocked. I did think there must have been some kind of emergency. I was worried it was the neighbor with the new baby! I was shocked to see Jan standing there with an envelope! I've put notes on the door before .. "Do not ring bell until 9." Perhaps its time to put it up again!

 

[Katy Belle]

I agree with this. If they have never been told to only take one item or to wait for everyone else to go through the line before going back for more, how do they know it is wrong? She hasn't learned through observation because she is self-centered. See, I don't even think that the whole carpool thing is rude but more of a self-centered thing.

When she rang your doorbell, did you ask her not to do it again? Has anyone told them they are only allowed 1 item of a tray? If they are just socially unaware or inept, just telling them and maybe reminding them before the next event would clear it up. If it doesn't, then we move on to just rude.

I would never think to explain to an adult the polite way to eat at a party! I know you are right...someone should TELL her! It would sure help her, if she listened....not sure I have the guts to do it.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think socially unaware is a nice way of saying rude.

And I understand that there are folks with diagnoses like Asperger's who may not read social cues well, which is an entirely different story.

OP, the lady is rude.
If she were in my circle of acquaintance, evey time she was rude I'd call her on it. Obviously no one ever taught the self-absorbed witch that the world does not revolve around her and her needs.

So yes, to answer your question, she is rude, as well as socially unaware, self-absorbed, and self-centered.

And no, I wouldn't be schlepping her kid to scouts at the expense of my or my husband's time so she could have some alone time with her hubby. If she wasn't willing to participate in the carpool, she'd be driving her own kid there.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I think you can talk to her about the things that affect you personally- ringing your door bell at 6 (and even asking you to take her mail to work? What the heck?), not participating in the carpool, etc. You have to set firm boundaries and just tell her she's over stepping. At the potluck, though, that I'd let go. Its not your job to school her.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think socially unaware is a nice way of saying rude.

And Iunderstand that there are folks with diagnoses like Asperger's who may not read social cues well, which is an entirely different story.

OP, the lady is rude.
If she were in my circle of acquaintance, evey time she was rude I'd call her on it. Obviously no one ever taught the self-absorbed witch that the world does not revolve aound her and her needs.

So yes, to answer your question, she is rude, as well as socially unaware, self-absorbed, and self-centered.

And no, I wouldn't be schleppig her kid to scouts at the expense of my or my husband's time so she could have some alone time with her hubby. If she wasn't willing to participate in the carpool, she'd be driving her own kid there.

Yep.

No need in perpetuating rude behavior.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I just thought of another way to curb the hogging all good desserts. When you have your potluck dinners, leave the desserts out in the kitchen. When they arrive with their dessert, if they are bringing one, put it in the kitchen with the others. Only put out half of what everybody else brings until the "crew" get theirs, and then let everybody else get some of the good stuff!

Of you could make up little plates with one serving of each dessert on each plate. Sharing is easier if it's already done for them.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

From someone who has lived in many places, what may seem rude to one is totally acceptable in another part of the country or in different cultures, and vice versa. For example, in some parts of the country people kiss when greeted, while in other parts of the country they might hug or do something on that order. Not offering a kiss is rude to some, and kissing a person the first time that you are introduced (or ever) is considered rude in others. I can offer many such examples that I have noticed over the years. As much as Ann Landers might have made it seem otherwise, there is no universal book of etiquette. Who can keep up?

If the behavior is not intentionally offensive, does it really matter?

 

[OceanAnnie]

From someone who has lived in many places, what may seem rude to one is totally acceptable in another part of the country or in different cultures, and vice versa. For example, in some parts of the country people kiss when greeted, while in other parts of the country they might hug or do something on that order. Not offering a kiss is rude to some, and kissing a person the first time that you are introduced (or ever) is considered rude in others. I can offer many such examples that I have noticed over the years. As much as Ann Landers might have made it seem otherwise, there is no universal book of etiquette. Who can keep up?

If the behavior is not intentionally offensive, does it really matter?

To me, it matters.

It's not one or two things according to the OP, but many and it effects how this woman is perceived. It appears the woman is literally and figuratively throwing elbows to get the best for her family. So the intent to "get as much as possible" for her family is there at the expense of others. It's repelling behavior. People do pick up on norms, customs, and etiquette. If they do nothing more than watch others, they pick it up. Children do it. Adults can do it.

 

[Robinrs]

From someone who has lived in many places, what may seem rude to one is totally acceptable in another part of the country or in different cultures, and vice versa. For example, in some parts of the country people kiss when greeted, while in other parts of the country they might hug or do something on that order. Not offering a kiss is rude to some, and kissing a person the first time that you are introduced (or ever) is considered rude in others. I can offer many such examples that I have noticed over the years. As much as Ann Landers might have made it seem otherwise, there is no universal book of etiquette. Who can keep up?

If the behavior is not intentionally offensive, does it really matter?

Are you kidding?????

This is not cultural or regional behavior, it's RUDE behavior, and yes, it matters especially when it infringes on others and their property.