Relocation vent....

[jipsy]

Well that's a start

 

[DWhittles]

Well that's a start

The first two of many changes...

 

[phillybeth]

Well that's a start

That's a great start. Congrats with the baby steps!

 

[JuliaEeyore]

Just wanted to wish you all the best... I lived in Hoboken for two years and paid more in rent than what I pay for a mortgage now in a snooty, expensive town in Connecticut. I hope you'll be able to find a place out in the suburbs. I worked in NYC when I lived in Hoboken, so when I moved to CT, I kept my job, and continued commuting into the city. It was a big PITA, but so worth it just to have the grass. I would imagine that would be great for your munchkins as well.

I truly understand how expensive everything is in Hoboken. I can't believe what I used to pay for laundry... your posts reminded me. And MAN I miss those expensive beers on Washington St!!!

I hope it all works out for you. I'm glad you're on the right track tonight.

 

[Crankyshank]

That's definitely a very good start.

 

[tw1nsmom]

Have you considered working in a childcare center? They will often give steeply discounted childcare rates for their employees. You wouldn't make much after taxes and paying your children's fees, but it would be something.

 

[Planogirl]

Way to go!!!

This sounds like a good positive step. Keep up the pressure and good luck.

By the way, don't get rid of the dog. All of this might be traumatic and difficult enough for you without losing an important member of the family. And thanks for not having me on ignore.

 

[Pongo69]

Okay,
we are going to the bank this weekend to get my name on the account and get me an ATM card. I will then have 100% access to the money but he has requested that I just let him know when I'm going to make a purchase and when I take money out.
We are also going to switch to basic cable.

Good for you

Btw, your baby is so adorable

 

[Cinderellagrl]

There's all kinds of aid for women like you. I'm not saying you should leave or divorce this man, but what I am saying is that you deserve OH SO MUCH MORE and so do your CHILDREN. I know what I am talking about, believe me. I left my abusive husband and a few weeks after I left him I lost my job and company car. I was in an apartment with no job, no transportation, no furniture, nothing. I sold off what little I owned and moved 1200 miles away from him and started over. IT WAS NOT EASY and many times I was on the edge of homelessness, but I did it and I made it. DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE instead of listening to us!

Wow, Jipsy, sounds like my life (many, many years ago).

Jipsy is right. There is aid out there for you, if you decide to take that step. I know in one of your earlier posts, you mentioned Section 8 Housing. If that's what you need to do to start your life on your own with your children, then that's what you need to do (I'm sure I'll get flamed for this). There is also aid for child care. You can get yourself a job and between the spousal support/child support and your employment wages, work your way to independence. It's a tough road but it's possible if you set your mind to it. You have to start somewhere.

If your husband was adamant that he did not want children and he does not pay any attention to your children or help care for them, I don't see how that will ever change. It doesn't really sound like he wants a family, period.

Best of luck to you.

 

[kasar]

Good Lord, this has to be one of my top 5 most frustrating threads on the Dis. Diana (it is Diana, right?), I'm glad you have found a place to vent about your husband. You obviously need that. But there are so many kind hearted people around here that are trying to help you with their suggestions and you really don't want to hear them. So, may I suggest in the future when you come on to complain that you just let us know that you're venting and you're not looking for our input. Because I feel like we're all saying the same things over and over again and you're giving us excuse after excuse about "someday" and "maybe we will" and "I know I need to but..."

I'm really glad you're getting your name on the account, though.

I know you don't want to hear it but here's what I'd do in this situation:

After my name was on the bank account and I had access to the same money that he has, I would sit with my husband on a monthly basis and find out exactly how much was coming in and where it was going. Pay the bills together if neccessary. Then, I'd make a list of extra things like nights out with the boys (yes, I know boss pays but there's usually extra expenses like cabs and tips and that sort), cable and computer and telephone service.

Once you have all that information you'll be able to see how much wiggle room you have each month. If there is absolutely none, then cancel your cable. If you still don't have enough, bring his game system and all his games to GameStop or some other place that rebuys games. Those are fun things and they come after basic necessities (like food and heat). Sorry, that's what adults do when things get tight. If DH screams and carries on, let him. When he either earns more money or takes on a second job that will allow your family to be comfortable, he can get some of those things back. So what if he has a fit? He'll get over it.

As far as leaving him, that's a decision only you can make. But I fear you're right to be concerned about finances - I seriously doubt he'd make much effort to pay child support, it doesn't even seem that he wants to be responsible for them NOW when he sees them everyday. Face it, you married a guy that had serious problems and then you had not one, but two children with him. Your choice is to stick with him and HOPE he changes or to strike out on your own and do everything yourself. A tough situation but I hate to say it, one that you are partially responsible for.

Unlike a lot of others, I would not get a job and leave the children with him - I worry about the safety of your children too much. I'll take back what I said on the other thread (about not having any time to yourself) because I honestly don't think your child's safety is worth an afternoon off. In any other situation I would encourage you to go, but not this one. If you found a reliable day care situation that would be great but I understand that probably won't happen.

Don't lose your dad's support - you're gonna need it!

Time to see what you're made of, honey.

 

[Michie]

Well that is good news about the bank. Hate to sound morbid, but hey, I am a worry wart, I would try and get that done sooner, in case something happens to your DH, or he changes his mind.

My DS called me this afternoon, he has enough money to make it through the summer without working ( which he will, he always works 2 jobs on summer break) He told me that he was working maintenance on campus. I was mighty impressed...until he told me that it was a good way to meet "chicks"

 

[DMickey28]

I am very happy to see that they are going to the bank and that cable will be cut back.

If you spoke to your DH and this went well, maybe it's just the fear inside you of confronting these things. I can't imagine in the time you were gone there was a debate, screaming match and then him finally giving in. Maybe there is hope... not necessarily that he will start caring for the boys but that you will start getting the things you need to get your job as a Mom done and be able to get time for yourself.... If you can make it on what you have now, maybe you can get a part time job that would even just cover the cost of child care while you are there so that you have the adult interaction. You wouldn't bring home any extra money but you would bring home a more sane and relaxed mother for the boys. Just an idea... Work and jobs, especially when you are a stay at home Mom and a housewife is just as much about the interaction as it is the money.... I am a stay at home wife until Friday... can't stand only having my husband to talk to, I can't wait to interact and meet other people.

 

[marlasmom]

Just a thought - why do you have to go to the bank to get an ATM card. Call them and see if you can just order it by phone. I am happy for the progress you have made.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

And if he needs to know what you spend then you need to know what he spends. DEMAND that of him.

 

[jipsy]

Just a thought - why do you have to go to the bank to get an ATM card. Call them and see if you can just order it by phone. I am happy for the progress you have made.

My bank makes you fill out a form. I still don't understand why he has to go with you, Diana, if you are already on the account as you say, you can just go do it yourself.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you some questions, since you said earlier your life is an open book here I hope you don't mind.

1. Tell me how you met your husband and what attracted you to him?
2. Was he overweight when you met him or has this just happened over the years?

The reasons I ask are this: I used to date a guy and his sister married a man who became very obese after they married. They had one child and the man she was married to wouldn't have much to do with the child. Alot of it stemmed from his obesity. He had a hard time moving around, breathing, etc. She did everything she possibly could to save her marriage, but it reached a point where she had to say "It's him or me and my child". She took the child and left him. She had to fight for everything - education, housing, daycare, jobs, etc. But she did it. She worked her way up to being an office manager at a government job center and she raised her son on her own in a not so nice section of town. She drove used beat up cars.

Her husband still refused to get help and he died from his health problems of being overweight. She fought long and hard with the guilt she felt from leaving him, but she knew in the end she could not help someone who would not help himself and she was not to blame.

One thing that really helped her was that her son wanted to take karate. She took him to a free class to see if he would like it. He loved it, but she couldn't afford the classes. She ended up speaking to the owners of the dojo and they made a bargain - she could do their office work in exchange for her son's classes. As he progressed, she began to think she might like to take some classes and the owners let her take them for free.

Both she and her son earned black belts. I went to her black belt ceremony; it was a very tear-jerking moment, knowing where she came from - being so weak and feeling helpless to becoming a strong woman into her own, raising her own son, finding her place in the world, knowing she could rely on herself and do better than she had.

Diana, I wish the best for you. Patrick is an adorable little boy; and now you have another coming. Please do what is best for your children. You cannot change your husband; but you can change how you react and respond to him and his actions. You can control your own actions. You can control your life.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

I have just read all 15 pages of this thread. I am sick to my stomach. Why? I cannot believe that a grown woman has allowed herself to be put in this situation. I am glad that you are able to make some changes. I hope that you will be able to talk to this immature child you have married about stepping up and taking care of HIS children. If you allow him to get away with not caring for his own kids, then those boys are going to grow up to be JUST LIKE HIM.

You have been given some wonderful advice and I hope that you follow through with it. Good luck to you and your kids.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Good luck to you and your children.

 

[DWhittles]

Way to go!!!

This sounds like a good positive step. Keep up the pressure and good luck.

By the way, don't get rid of the dog. All of this might be traumatic and difficult enough for you without losing an important member of the family. And thanks for not having me on ignore.

I can't get rid of Humphrey. He's my furry son!

 

[DWhittles]

Good Lord, this has to be one of my top 5 most frustrating threads on the Dis. Diana (it is Diana, right?), I'm glad you have found a place to vent about your husband. You obviously need that. But there are so many kind hearted people around here that are trying to help you with their suggestions and you really don't want to hear them. So, may I suggest in the future when you come on to complain that you just let us know that you're venting and you're not looking for our input. Because I feel like we're all saying the same things over and over again and you're giving us excuse after excuse about "someday" and "maybe we will" and "I know I need to but..."

I'm really glad you're getting your name on the account, though.

I know you don't want to hear it but here's what I'd do in this situation:

After my name was on the bank account and I had access to the same money that he has, I would sit with my husband on a monthly basis and find out exactly how much was coming in and where it was going. Pay the bills together if neccessary. Then, I'd make a list of extra things like nights out with the boys (yes, I know boss pays but there's usually extra expenses like cabs and tips and that sort), cable and computer and telephone service.

Once you have all that information you'll be able to see how much wiggle room you have each month. If there is absolutely none, then cancel your cable. If you still don't have enough, bring his game system and all his games to GameStop or some other place that rebuys games. Those are fun things and they come after basic necessities (like food and heat). Sorry, that's what adults do when things get tight. If DH screams and carries on, let him. When he either earns more money or takes on a second job that will allow your family to be comfortable, he can get some of those things back. So what if he has a fit? He'll get over it.

As far as leaving him, that's a decision only you can make. But I fear you're right to be concerned about finances - I seriously doubt he'd make much effort to pay child support, it doesn't even seem that he wants to be responsible for them NOW when he sees them everyday. Face it, you married a guy that had serious problems and then you had not one, but two children with him. Your choice is to stick with him and HOPE he changes or to strike out on your own and do everything yourself. A tough situation but I hate to say it, one that you are partially responsible for.

Unlike a lot of others, I would not get a job and leave the children with him - I worry about the safety of your children too much. I'll take back what I said on the other thread (about not having any time to yourself) because I honestly don't think your child's safety is worth an afternoon off. In any other situation I would encourage you to go, but not this one. If you found a reliable day care situation that would be great but I understand that probably won't happen.

Don't lose your dad's support - you're gonna need it!

Time to see what you're made of, honey.

My father will NEVER EVER not support me. Even if I deny his "gifts" he will always have my back.
As for my not "listening" to what everyone is saying here, it's not the case at ALL.
There has been amazing advice and more support then I ever expected to receive here.
When I sound like I'm making excuses, I'm not trying to do that at all. I'm trying to explain the situation and why things are the way they are.
I like your suggestion of paying the bills together and will implement it starting next month. It's a good way to open the lines of communication about finances too so that the discussions might go a little easier.
Please keep the ideas and advice coming guys. It really does mean more to me than you all know!

 

[DWhittles]

I am very happy to see that they are going to the bank and that cable will be cut back.

If you spoke to your DH and this went well, maybe it's just the fear inside you of confronting these things. I can't imagine in the time you were gone there was a debate, screaming match and then him finally giving in.

No, there was no screaming match. I think I have to look at the way I approach the confrontation or the conversation as well. I have to learn to TALK about stuff before I reach my own boiling point. Before I bring stuff up with an attitude that will put him on the defensive.
When I talked to him tonight, it was easy and there wasn't any attack from me and he responded well to my "demand" and my suggestion.
To top that all off, he made dinner!