Relocation vent....

[DisneyDmbNut]

ITA!!!

Very well said!

 

[danacara]

TF - Amen!

 

[DWhittles]

I have a suggestion on where to look which would be closer to NYC therefore lower commuter costs, Montclair, NJ. A friend of mine rents in a multi-unit house (not apartment) for just under $1200/month for 3 bedrooms. Is in walking distance to train which now goes directly to Penn Station in NYC, approximately 1 hour. All stores are within walking distance including elementary school.

That's a great idea. I'm going to look there.
I've also just started to look in the Westchester area and stuff seems to be cheaper up there so that's positive

 

[EsmeraldaX]

TF - Amen!

I agree. Well put TF. You too, Dana.

 

[SC Minnie]

DWhittles-- I feel for you I could not mentally handle the situation you are in.

Only you know what your true situation is like and only you can do anything about it.

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

Westchester is good..is Mt Kisco too far??

Also..did you DH ever watch PJ for your manicure and pedicure??

 

[Microcell]

Wait, he does not allow you access to your money? I didn't know that when I posted last, though I am more solid in my old fashioned diagnosis. It does not excuse it just to name it. You have alot of work to do, and I hope your husband wants to listen to giving up so much control of you and take more of your kids.

 

[marlasmom]

Seems to me DisDuck has the ideal solution. So it adds to his commuting time - so what? My husband had impossibly long commutes for most of his working life -as did I - and millions of other people. I think her solution just might work for you.

 

[jipsy]

wait a minute - isn't your husband the one that stays out every night till 8:30 at the GYM? And goes out for drinks with the boss all the time?

I don't know, maybe he used to weigh 750 lbs and going to the gym has gotten him down to 500 and if so that's good. If he's not losing any of that weight though, then what's he doing when he's at the gym? And if he's that overweight, why is he drinking?

Drinks are expensive out - $3 or $4 per beer; more for mixed drinks. If he has two beers a night plus tips ($10) that's about $3500/year he's spending on booze. There's part of your money solution right there.

 

[danacara]

Jipsy - a great point, but up the math a little - beer on Washington Street in Hoboken (where most of the bars there are) run $5/bottle domestic, $6 imported ...

 

[jipsy]

LOL well Dana I was being conservative as I don't know how much beer is in Hoboken.

 

[DWhittles]

I fully agree with jel0511, everything she said ... you can't pull this off on $60K, I can't imagine trying to make it as a couple in Hoboken/NYC on $60K, much less with two kids. To be honest, the two of you are lucky that he's even healthy enough to work at 500lbs, much less that anyone is willing to employ him. Part of me is surprised that he was biologically capable of fathering a child at 500lbs.

Maybe this is the last thing you'd ever consider ... but if this is what you've got in terms of a husband, if you're unwilling to make the changes to your life that this second baby now necessitates, for example, moving - to somewhere like Princeton - and if you never really wanted children in the first place - yours is a situation where I might start to gently consider an open adoption. There are families around here who would love this second baby and give him the world. He wouldn't disappear from your life.

Absolutely not an option. No way in hell is that going to happen.
If I have to make this work as a single mom, I will but I'm not willing to give this baby up to anyone but me myself and I. My situation simply isn't that bleak that I have to even consider that as an option.
I have to relax and take a deep breath. While I agree that a part time job even one at night would be good for me I can't do ANYTHING about it till after this new baby is born.
As for my being unwilling to make changes, I'm willing to make whatever changes need to be made for the better of my family. I always have been. I always will be.

 

[danacara]

LOL well Dana I was being conservative as I don't know how much beer is in Hoboken.

Darlin, when I find $3 beer in Hoboken, I'm planning my first DIS meet, and you're coming.

 

[DWhittles]

True, but at least you're living in a MUCH nicer space to raise children. I also think Point Pleasant is too far to live away from NYC and try to commute. How about Hazlet, Middletown, Red Bank, Little Silver, Tinton Falls? All very nice areas to live and housing is pretty reasonable.

Tinton Falls and Red Bank have gotten just as expensive as Manhattan and finding housing that will accept a dog is very very hard to do.
Middletown is an option I'm looking into though.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

This is one of the most pathetic posts I have ever read. Really is quite sad. But and this is a BIG but, I am getting the vibe that you seem to enjoy the chaos. You need to step back and take a good look at the whole picture. There are just too many things wrong here. Your husband is not functioning as a partner, more like a gastapo, you need to take charge and decide if this is the life you want for yourself and these poor babies. You do realize that you have a CHOICE right? I honestly think you would be better off moving like others have suggested. 60K for a family of 4 in Hoboken is almost laughable these days. And for him to insist that YOU find affordable housing in a specific area known for high rents is ridiculous. There are plenty of towns here in NJ that you could rent a house with a yard and still be within walking distance to the train, bus or ferry. We own 3 b/r townhouse in Middletown that is a rental property. It is within walking distance to both the train and bus route.

You would honestly be better off without him. You could move to an area where daycare is more affordable and you could work fulltime. Between that and child support you and your kids would be much better off. It would be a struggle at first, but I suspect in the long run, all involved would be happier. Including you husband, who sounds as though he's not really interested in being a team player.

I know this sounds harsh, but you need a good swift kick in the behind. YOU, MY DEAR DESERVE SO MUCH MORE AND DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree with TF and Dana...I just want to stress: No matter where you go from here, you and your DH have to adjust the fact that you need to get a part time job, period. You do not make enough money to live if you are as broke as you describe. No ifs ands or buts...girl, as soon as you are recovered from birthing that next baby...you NEED a job in the evenings. It wll give you more money, a sense of purpose, more self respect and an outside source of adult companionship.

And your DH is gonna learn really quick what it means to diaper a baby.

 

[DWhittles]

Westchester is good..is Mt Kisco too far??

Also..did you DH ever watch PJ for your manicure and pedicure??

LOL, nope. I didn't go because it wasn't in the budget that week...
For Christmas I got a gift certificate from my mother for a manicure pedicure haircut and massage so I'm going to drop PJ off with her one afternoon and go and pamper myself

 

[DisneyDmbNut]

Can you consider giving up the dog?? That might help expand some housing options...

plus...This was last month...he clearly isn't going to change into a parent or a partner

He said point blank, he doesn't want to help me with the babies. He has to work all day and the babies are my responsibility. Period. He also said we have no relationship anymore. This I agree with. We never go anywhere, never do anything and I know now that he resents both kids.
So, now I'm faced with a dilemmia that is not foreign to me. Do I stay or do I go?
Major hugs are needed this way guys.

 

[DWhittles]

Seems to me DisDuck has the ideal solution. So it adds to his commuting time - so what? My husband had impossibly long commutes for most of his working life -as did I - and millions of other people. I think her solution just might work for you.

I'm not ruling the burbs out or the commute but I did it for a year commuting from Piscataway NJ to Manhattan. I was up at 5:00am out the door by 6:00pm took a NJ Transit Train to Newark, got on the PATH then got on a Subway and then walked to work to be there by 8:30am. I'd leave work at 6:30 and do the same and arrive home at around 8:00 8:30pm.
This schedule would mean that I'd be all alone with the two kids all day and all night since he works late 90% of the time.

 

[danacara]

Tinton Falls and Red Bank have gotten just as expensive as Manhattan and finding housing that will accept a dog is very very hard to do.

If you can't afford to diaper a baby, you can't afford a dog - put up signs - that dog needs a new home.