Relationship Struggle

[leebee]

This makes me wonder what happened, rational people don't just wake up one day and cut people from their lives for no real reason.

OR... It could be that one day the daughter realized she was old enough to have some autonomy in her life and decided to act on it. She has a license, some freedom, and has never forgiven her parents for divorcing. I think it's 'natural' for a daughter to side with her mother, especially if mom has majority custody, and OP has said that the mom says nasty things about OP. If I were to guess, when the daughter was a child, she had to go to dad's, had to deal with OP and her children. Now the daughter is older, makes her own decisions, schedules her own life and activities, and still holds anger towards the OP for splitting up her parents... because even if OP had nothing to do with the parents splitting up, you can bet that the daughter believes she did!

 

[Poohlove]

Exactly.

At the very least there is a ton lying going on in some fashion.

Something stinks here.

My thoughts exactly

 

[Positive]

My first marriage of 23 years ended in a divorce after we drifted apart. I remarried six months later to a woman I actually met here on the DIS (completely unexpectedly). My DD was 20 at the time and initially took it well, but has never truly accepted my wife. She isn't openly hostile, but just avoids her whenever possible and just puts up a shield when she's around her. My wife initially made multiple sincere overtures to her but they were all ignored. When it's just my DD and me, she acts normally for the most part, but when my wife is around, she makes herself scarce. My DD lives about 60 minutes away and now I really don't see her often. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she refuses to open up. She is of course much closer to her mother than to me and communicates with her much more. My wife and I have discussed it and we realize that now, over 3 years later, my DD will likely never come around.

So I guess I've been put in a similar situation, almost being forced to choose between my DD and my wife...which is a horrible choice to have to make. But in the end, a husband and wife (legally or otherwise) need to make each other their top priority no matter what. Children grow up and go on to lead their own lives. We give them the best guidance we can, but can't live their lives or make their choices for them. My wife does not come in second to anyone. I will accept any consequences, even profoundly sad ones, that may come from that. May not like it, but I will never compromise my relationship with my wife.

Long story short, I'm having difficulty believing he's as invested in the relationship as you are since he seems to be siding with his daughter; when his loyalty and love should be with you first and foremost. I agree a heart-to-heart talk may be indicated as other posters have suggested. Raw feelings may be exposed and possibly hurt, but you deserve to know what's really going on here. JMO.

Thank you very much for your story & perspective. I, too, am saddened that my DBF feels that he is put in a position to have to choose between us. What a terrible position for anyone to be in, right? Those raw feelings have been exposed through quite a few long talks on the subject. I have expressed these thoughts to him- that our children grow up & move on with their own lives. Where does that leave us as as a couple if we don't present a united front, maybe with the hopes of forcing some changes in her outlook & behavior. I think he is (1) frozen in time that she is still a little girl (2) unable to confront or deal with the idea that she may step out of his life for any length on time if he takes a stand with her.
I'm worried that he is not as invested as I thought & felt for years. I really admire your thoughts & approach to your relationship. Your wife must feel cherished.

 

[Poohlove]

OR... It could be that one day the daughter realized she was old enough to have some autonomy in her life and decided to act on it. She has a license, some freedom, and has never forgiven her parents for divorcing. I think it's 'natural' for a daughter to side with her mother, especially if mom has majority custody, and OP has said that the mom says nasty things about OP. If I were to guess, when the daughter was a child, she had to go to dad's, had to deal with OP and her children. Now the daughter is older, makes her own decisions, schedules her own life and activities, and still holds anger towards the OP for splitting up her parents... because even if OP had nothing to do with the parents splitting up, you can bet that the daughter believes she did!

This is true but at some point she has to let it go if that is the case. If the math adds up she barely knew her parents to be married if she were old enough to realize that at all. If she is harboring that kind of resentment she is in for an unhappy future.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OR... It could be that one day the daughter realized she was old enough to have some autonomy in her life and decided to act on it. She has a license, some freedom, and has never forgiven her parents for divorcing. I think it's 'natural' for a daughter to side with her mother, especially if mom has majority custody, and OP has said that the mom says nasty things about OP. If I were to guess, when the daughter was a child, she had to go to dad's, had to deal with OP and her children. Now the daughter is older, makes her own decisions, schedules her own life and activities, and still holds anger towards the OP for splitting up her parents.

AH, yes...adding to that! The OP BF does not relay that info to the OP more than likely. She does not live there and parts of the relationship are concealed to her.

So for the OP it can YES, it can seem like she is being blindsided.

Valid point for sure.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you very much for your story & perspective. I, too, am saddened that my DBF feels that he is put in a position to have to choose between us. What a terrible position for anyone to be in, right? Those raw feelings have been exposed through quite a few long talks on the subject. I have expressed these thoughts to him- that our children grow up & move on with their own lives. Where does that leave us as as a couple if we don't present a united front, maybe with the hopes of forcing some changes in her outlook & behavior. I think he is (1) frozen in time that she is still a little girl (2) unable to confront or deal with the idea that she may step out of his life for any length on time if he takes a stand with her.
I'm worried that he is not as invested as I thought & felt for years. I really admire your thoughts & approach to your relationship. Your wife must feel cherished.

AH HA! There it is.

OP YOU are source of the "leak". Your BF is telling his dd the stuff you are saying.

I will lay money on it.

 

[sk!mom]

OR... It could be that one day the daughter realized she was old enough to have some autonomy in her life and decided to act on it. She has a license, some freedom, and has never forgiven her parents for divorcing. I think it's 'natural' for a daughter to side with her mother, especially if mom has majority custody, and OP has said that the mom says nasty things about OP. If I were to guess, when the daughter was a child, she had to go to dad's, had to deal with OP and her children. Now the daughter is older, makes her own decisions, schedules her own life and activities, and still holds anger towards the OP for splitting up her parents... because even if OP had nothing to do with the parents splitting up, you can bet that the daughter believes she did!

This definitely another possibility and something that I have seen with people I am close to. As the kids have gotten older- able to drive- able to say, "yeah, I'm not going to dads or moms."

We all get to decide who we want to spend time with. It's the boyfriend in the OP's situation that is the problem though his DD is getting the blame.

 

[sk!mom]

This is true but at some point she has to let it go if that is the case. If the math adds up she barely knew her parents to be married if she were old enough to realize that at all. If she is harboring that kind of resentment she is in for an unhappy future.

Sometimes it's not really resentment but rather just a situation that the now adult child would rather not participate in.

AH HA! There it is.

OP YOU are source of the "leak". Your BF is telling his dd the stuff you are saying.

I will lay money on it.

OMG, yes, you nailed it! I have come to realize that one particular person is the source of much strife and hard feelings in my family because she talks about everyone to everyone else. She repeats things that you thought were shared in confidence. It has lead to a very curtailed strained relationship with her because I refuse to participate. I keep all conversations light and surface.

This is very likely a part of what is causing strife in the OP's relationship. The boyfriend's behavior points to it.

 

[Positive]

This makes me wonder what happened, rational people don't just wake up one day and cut people from their lives for no real reason.

Exactly.

At the very least there is a ton lying going on in some fashion.

Something stinks here.

Neither I nor my DBF is a liar. I posted here looking for some catharsis & insight into a part of my life. I will say, that it is tough to get all the nitty gritty details out & when I posted last night, I didn't know if anyone would even care to respond to me.
I will be glad to explain what happened a couple of years ago to allow more info.
My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Neither I nor my DBF is a liar. I posted here looking for some catharsis & insight into a part of my life. I will say, that it is tough to get all the nitty gritty details out & when I posted last night, I didn't know if anyone would even care to respond to me.
I will be glad to explain what happened a couple of years ago to allow more info.
My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

That changes nothing with my posts.

I live in TODAY. I could care less about the PAST.

You really need to understand that HE HAS TO LIE to his daughter. You really can't see that can you? He does not want her to be mad at him, so he lies more than likely.

Hence the panic attack.

 

[Mizzoufan]

That changes nothing with my posts.

I live in TODAY. I could care less about the PAST.

You really need to understand that HE HAS TO LIE to his daughter. You really can't see that can you? He does not want her to be mad at him, so he lies more than likely.

Hence the panic attack.

She can't see fault with him, the fault in her eyes lies with his daughter and her mom.

 

[Positive]

That changes nothing with my posts.

I live in TODAY. I could care less about the PAST.

You really need to understand that HE HAS TO LIE to his daughter. You really can't see that can you? He does not want her to be mad at him, so he lies more than likely.

Hence the panic attack.

I am of at least average intelligence, but I am not understanding your thought process. If you have time & are willing, please do explain. I will tell you he is no liar. He is stubborn, he is meticulous, he is set in his ways, but he is no liar.
I would like to understand what you mean.

 

[Positive]

She can't see fault with him, the fault in her eyes lies with his daughter and her mom.

No, that's wrong. Initially, that was the source of the frustration. My issue is with my DBF & how he chooses to deal with it (or not) & this is what I was seeking advice on.

 

[sk!mom]

She can't see fault with him, the fault in her eyes lies with his daughter and her mom.

Right, the daughter and ex are getting a lot of blame in the same way that blame is heaped on the other man/woman in a cheating situation. If the blame is placed where it belongs (on the boyfriend) then action must be taken.

And I know this feels harsh OP. It's a situation that sucks!

 

[PollyannaMom]

...I will be glad to explain what happened a couple of years ago to allow more info.
My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

OK, this answers a lot. (I'm actually curious why it was left out before.)

So, if I've got this right, you were so upset by dating between his daughter and your nephew - who are legally no relation at all - that you involved professionals and "sat them down"? It's no wonder she turned cold - she blames you for breaking up her relationship, not just her parents! - You weren't married, weren't even living together...think about it from her perspective. Why would she (a teenager at the time?) really see this guy as a "cousin"? If you'd all have stayed out of it, it most likely would have fizzled on it's own. (And even if it hadn't, there are families out there with way more complicated relationships - trust me.) But because a situation that only needed to be awkward was turned into a crisis, things are far worse now.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Neither I nor my DBF is a liar. I posted here looking for some catharsis & insight into a part of my life. I will say, that it is tough to get all the nitty gritty details out & when I posted last night, I didn't know if anyone would even care to respond to me.
I will be glad to explain what happened a couple of years ago to allow more info.
My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

I can't get past why you thought you should interfere with this relationship. Quite frankly I think you had no right at all to meddle and make a big deal out of it.

 

[leebee]

Neither I nor my DBF is a liar. I posted here looking for some catharsis & insight into a part of my life. I will say, that it is tough to get all the nitty gritty details out & when I posted last night, I didn't know if anyone would even care to respond to me.
I will be glad to explain what happened a couple of years ago to allow more info.
My DBFs daughter & my nephew made the decision to date each other. We were away on a family vacation to WDW & they came home as a couple. They tried to keep it a secret but we knew something was up. Neither of us were happy or comfortable with it, we sat them down together to let them know & the proverbial **** hit the fan. DBFs ex wife actually did everything she could to support their relationship knowing it was causing us turmoil. She allowed him to move into her home. We sought professional help at the time to help us decide how to approach them. In our eyes, this was a family relationship & did not seem to make sense for them to pursue. The relationship is now over to the best of my knowledge but all of the hard feelings remain. I can get over the fact that she chose to date my nephew, but she is unwilling to with me.

NOW it all makes sense! If I understand, you and your BF went to a counselor so you would have a handle on how to approach his daughter about her relationship with your nephew, yes? (not that you took the daughter and nephew to a counselor... I am a tad confused by a prior post, but think I have it correct).

Your BF's daughter is holding you responsible for her own relationship break-up, and possibly her parents' as well. She's not going to get over this for awhile, so now it's a question of how you and your BF handle her reactions. I'd talk to your BF and tell him that you understand why his DD is upset, and while you are willing to not engage directly with her (as in, the 3 of you won't make plans to have supper together or whatever), you would like to come up with a plan together (you and your BF) on how to handle family situations, or what to do when the DD drops in unexpectedly. He needs to see that it's unfair to you, to expect you to vacate the premises, sit out extended family events, etc. He also needs to realize that his daughter is an adult, and he needs to treat her that way instead of as a little princess... and I have no idea of how to make THAT happen.

OP, you are in a tough spot because, as you and your BF aren't married, aren't legally obligated to a lease together, you really have no legal "hold" or status on your relationship. I guess what you really have to hash out, personally and with your BF, what standing you DO have in his life, and where this relationship stands. I hope it all works out for you, happily.

 

[SRQ57]

Too much drama. Too complicated to unravel. You've wasted enough time. Move on with your life. Focus on the positives in your life.

 

[Positive]

OK, this answers a lot. (I'm actually curious why it was left out before.)

So, if I've got this right, you were so upset by dating between his daughter and your nephew - who are legally no relation at all - that you involved professionals and "sat them down"? It's no wonder she turned cold - she blames you for breaking up her relationship, not just her parents! - You weren't married, weren't even living together...think about it from her perspective. Why would she (a teenager at the time?) really see this guy as a "cousin"? If you'd all have stayed out of it, it most likely would have fizzled on it's own. (And even if it hadn't, there are families out there with way more complicated relationships - trust me.) But because a situation that only needed to be awkward was turned into a crisis, things are far worse now.

As I mentioned, I left it out because it was old news & when I posted last night didn't know if anyone would even respond to me. The trouble at hand is that there is tension between us & I guess at this point it doesn't matter the cause (It's like if you have a flat tire, who cares how it got flat... it just did). My struggle is with my DBF & how he now deals, or actually doesn't deal, with supporting US as a result of these circumstances.

I can't get past why you thought you should interfere with this relationship. Quite frankly I think you had no right at all to meddle and make a big deal out of it.

At the time, I had legal guardianship of my nephew, I had previously adopted his 2 sisters & his adoptive parents did not want to contend with the challenges. To us, even though there is no blood relation, it was a family relationship. My DBF & I decided together to speak to them after consulting a professional therapist. It was a calm conversation to bring points to their attention that they may not have thought of for the future. We were not thrilled, but we also did not forbid them seeing each other.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am of at least average intelligence, but I am not understanding your thought process. If you have time & are willing, please do explain. I will tell you he is no liar. He is stubborn, he is meticulous, he is set in his ways, but he is no liar.
I would like to understand what you mean.

OK, I will try.

BF is going to "tailor" answers to make himself look better to his dd because his dd wants nothing to do with you.

It happens in these situations. So he will work hard to make sure you guys do not talk.

ACTIONS and BEHAVIOR are what you focus on, not words. Maybe that will explain where I am coming from.

Or to sum up, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.