Relationship Age Gap

[JAMIESMITH]

My husband is eleven years older than me. We have a lot in common, but also have some separate interests, which is probably healthy in any relationship.

We had our first daughter when he was 32 and I was 21. Our baby girl was born almost ten years later. I was 31 and my husband 42. It feels like starting over. It’s weird to think that he will be approaching retirement age when she graduates high school.

We’ve been together thirteen years, married for eleven. It’s had its ups and downs, some of it related to our age difference, but most not.

 

[tvguy]

I think that's getting harder to do, though, with the end of pensions and retiree healthcare. We started out planning that way, but have realized over the years that there is literally no amount of money (within our grasp anyway) that would feel like enough to risk 5-10 years of buying health insurance on the individual market. There's no telling what prices for that might be 20 years from now or whether the insurance would even be worth having if consumer protections/coverage mandates are rolled back, and at that age, there's a very real chance of developing the kind of expensive medical condition that will get a policy cancelled in a hurry.

I second the health care cost concern. We plan to retire in 2 years at 63 and 62 1/ which means almost 4 year of private health insurance before Medicare. 8 years ago, the cost was estimated to be $7,500 a year. Now it's almost $23,000 a year. COBRA may actually be cheaper. And since I am in California, instead of 18 months, Cal-Cobra give you coverage for 36 months.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I am attracted to men about that much older than me (10-15 years or more), always have been. My ex-husband is 7 years older than me and I refused his advances for a while before we started dating because I thought he was too young! So I'm in favor of marrying older than your age, you have to follow your heart.

 

[Colleen27]

I second the health care cost concern. We plan to retire in 2 years at 63 and 62 1/ which means almost 4 year of private health insurance before Medicare. 8 years ago, the cost was estimated to be $7,500 a year. Now it's almost $23,000 a year. COBRA may actually be cheaper. And since I am in California, instead of 18 months, Cal-Cobra give you coverage for 36 months.

Yeah, my MIL's experiences really soured me on the idea of retiring before medicare age. She was one of the unlucky folks essentially forced into early retirement by the recession. COBRA was over $12K/year and an individual plan was about $5K more. That was almost 10 years ago, and costs have only gone up. There aren't a lot of calculators that even attempt to predict health care costs 20 years out and I doubt any could be really reliable, but one that I found when we were going over our planning suggested $55K/year as a savings goal for early retiree health care for my generation. So if I were to retire when DH hits 67, we'd have to have an extra half-million in the 401k just to cover my health care.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think that's getting harder to do, though, with the end of pensions and retiree healthcare. We started out planning that way, but have realized over the years that there is literally no amount of money (within our grasp anyway) that would feel like enough to risk 5-10 years of buying health insurance on the individual market. There's no telling what prices for that might be 20 years from now or whether the insurance would even be worth having if consumer protections/coverage mandates are rolled back, and at that age, there's a very real chance of developing the kind of expensive medical condition that will get a policy cancelled in a hurry.

True. MIL worked for the county & has a small pension. FIL was a CAT machinist & they are both still on his health plan AFAIK.

 

[disneychrista]

Honestly I think it depend on the ages of the people. A 19yo with a 29 - 34 doesn't seem like a good match to me.

I am dating someone 11 years older than me. I am 46, he is 57. To me that isn't as big of a deal.

 

[ronandannette]

I am 50'ish and my DH is 64. It made a whole lot more sense when we met and married at 29 and 42. Our DS was born a year later and it was apparent all during his growing-up years that we'd never quite be "in step" with other couples. Our friends with kids our DS's age were all quite a bit younger than DH and his peers were in an entirely different season of life. We had difficulty finding the ideal fit socially.

Now, he is approaching retirement age, although that is not possible for him quite yet. His work constrains him from doing the things friends his age are doing and that's hard on him. Financially, it is also likely necessary that I'll work another 15 years or more. I'm not sure how well either of us will like it when he is home all day while I "bring home the bacon". He will be in his early 80's by the time we are both retired. In the meantime, there is the ever-looming concern that health issues will arise for him. I truly dread ever having to face becoming a care-taker, although certainly none of us can predict the future.

That said, we are a very happy couple and have made a good life together. Had I known then what I know now though, I would not have chosen someone so much older than me.

 

[DeniseJH]

Honestly I think it depend on the ages of the people. A 19yo with a 29 - 34 doesn't seem like a good match to me.

I am dating someone 11 years older than me. I am 46, he is 57. To me that isn't as big of a deal.

I was 18 when I met my husband. He was 27. Next month we will be married 30 years. Not disrespecting your opinion in any way, but everyone is different, I guess.

 

[disneychrista]

I was 18 when I met my husband. He was 27. Next month we will be married 30 years. Not disrespecting your opinion in any way, but everyone is different, I guess.

I agree. What makes a relationship work is not really the couples ages or how close in age they are. It’s likely the least important factor.

 

[DeniseJH]

I am 50'ish and my DH is 64. It made a whole lot more sense when we met and married at 29 and 42. Our DS was born a year later and it was apparent all during his growing-up years that we'd never quite be "in step" with other couples. Parents of kids our DS's age were all quite a bit younger than DH and his peers were in an entirely different season of life. We had difficulty finding the ideal fit socially.

Now, he is approaching retirement age, although that is not possible for him quite yet. His work constrains him from doing the things friends his age are doing and that's hard on him. Financially, it is also likely necessary that I'll work another 15 years or more. I'm not sure how well either of us will like it when he is home all day while I "bring home the bacon". He will be in his early 80's by the time we are both retired. In the meantime, there is the ever-looming concern that health issues will arise for him. I truly dread ever having to face becoming a care-taker, although certainly none of us can predict the future.

That said, we are a very happy couple and have made a good life together. Had I known then what I know now though, I would not have chosen someone so much older than me.

I'm so sorry that you feel that way. The health issues are things that pop in my head now and then (I'm 54 and my husband is 63), but I don't dwell on them because who knows...I actually believe I'll go first. I know it is practical to think of these things, but we both have life insurance, and no kids, so I choose not to spend a lot of time thinking about them. As I said, who knows? I just can't spend time worrying about the what if's - I have to live for now. I do realize having kids changes the whole equation though.

 

[ronandannette]

I'm so sorry that you feel that way. The health issues are things that pop in my head now and then (I'm 54 and my husband is 63), but I don't dwell on them because who knows...I actually believe I'll go first. I know it is practical to think of these things, but we both have life insurance, and no kids, so I choose not to spend a lot of time thinking about them. As I said, who knows? I just can't spend time worrying about the what if's - I have to live for now. I do realize having kids changes the whole equation though.

No need - it's not a tragedy. Just hoping to provide some food-for-though to the OP.

 

[DeniseJH]

No need - it's not a tragedy. Just hoping to provide some food-for-though to the OP.

I get that, just trying to be empathetic. Believe me, I'm learning quickly not to waste that emotion on this board.

 

[jevs]

There was about 10 years difference between my ex husband and myself. It wasn't a factor in our marriage breakdown.

I'd date someone up to a 10 year difference. Although 5 would be more preferable.

 

[Kellykins1218]

My dad was 14 yrs older than my mom. She was 23 & he was 37 when they got married. They were very happy and there were never any issues because of their age difference.

 

[mummabear]

There are ways around that. In my family, it could go something like, "Hey, Sis, Nephew is pants-less. Want me to round him up for you, or is he good to go for dinner?" Granted, we don't have the same dynamics as OP, so the initial request to the kid wouldn't have been a problem at all. But there are clearly different things at play in the situation she described.

I think this exactly.
Often when people are dating/getting married it's at an age where it doesnt matter, and it will work for a long time. But as they get older it can really be a problem (I mean like one is 55 and the other is 70)

I did date a guy 10 years older when I was a teenager (16) at the time I thought the guy was cool, now looking back I wonder what kind of 26 year old wants to date a 16 year old....I broke up with him because I got weirded out by thoughts like "when I was starting kindergarten he was staring high school"

 

[tvguy]

Yeah, my MIL's experiences really soured me on the idea of retiring before medicare age. She was one of the unlucky folks essentially forced into early retirement by the recession. COBRA was over $12K/year and an individual plan was about $5K more. That was almost 10 years ago, and costs have only gone up. There aren't a lot of calculators that even attempt to predict health care costs 20 years out and I doubt any could be really reliable, but one that I found when we were going over our planning suggested $55K/year as a savings goal for early retiree health care for my generation. So if I were to retire when DH hits 67, we'd have to have an extra half-million in the 401k just to cover my health care.

Healthcare is now more ACCESSIBLE but "AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT" is clearly the wrong name for Obamacare.

 

[Klayfish]

Well, if I become some rich old man, when I get to be 70+ I can marry a 20 something girl. You see it all the time

DW is 6 months older than I am, so it's not an issue...and I'm happy as can be, though I'm always sure to remind her who's the young person in the relationship...

 

[Colleen27]

Honestly I think it depend on the ages of the people. A 19yo with a 29 - 34 doesn't seem like a good match to me.

I am dating someone 11 years older than me. I am 46, he is 57. To me that isn't as big of a deal.

I think it depends on the people. A 19yo still in college and living with parents might not have much in common with a 30yo, but a 19yo in a full time job, living independently, is probably going to find more common ground with the latter than with the former. At least that's how it was when DH & I met - he's 9 years older, but we lived in the same apartment complex, went out after work, etc. When I tried dating guys my age during that time of life, they were mostly still in school, living with parents, had a curfew, and generally didn't have the same concerns/priorities I did.

Healthcare is now more ACCESSIBLE but "AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT" is clearly the wrong name for Obamacare.

Eh, that's a scapegoat. Health care costs have been rising for a lot longer than it existed, and the overall rate of increase did actually slow while it was in effect (whether or not it was because of the ACA is up for debate). And more importantly for someone in the individual market, it did provide, for a time, some assurance that if you paid the astronomical premiums for health insurance it would at least provide meaningful coverage. That aspect worries me as much as the cost, because a return to pre-ACA conditions opens up the risk of not being able to buy a policy at any price that will cover ongoing health problems (which many people have by their mid-late 50s) or of being dropped abruptly should you actually need to use your insurance for more than routine care. And the only thing worse than shelling out five-figure health insurance premiums every year is doing so only to end up un-covered when it matters.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

DW is 6 months older than I am, so it's not an issue...and I'm happy as can be, though I'm always sure to remind her who's the young person in the relationship...

lol my husband does that too in a joking manner of course. He's 1 year and 2 months younger than me.

 

[tvguy]

Eh, that's a scapegoat. Health care costs have been rising for a lot longer than it existed, and the overall rate of increase did actually slow while it was in effect (whether or not it was because of the ACA is up for debate). And more importantly for someone in the individual market, it did provide, for a time, some assurance that if you paid the astronomical premiums for health insurance it would at least provide meaningful coverage. That aspect worries me as much as the cost, because a return to pre-ACA conditions opens up the risk of not being able to buy a policy at any price that will cover ongoing health problems (which many people have by their mid-late 50s) or of being dropped abruptly should you actually need to use your insurance for more than routine care. And the only thing worse than shelling out five-figure health insurance premiums every year is doing so only to end up un-covered when it matters.

Well, I can't dispute healthcare costs have been rising, but because as consumers of healthcare we demand more. We want every test today, we want a pill for everything today. We want to see our Doctor today, and a Specialist this week. One of my Uncles in Canada waited a year for knee replacement surgery. One of my co-workers here in the USA waited a week. More specialists cost more money. I don't like the term "rationing" healthcare, but that is really what is happening in places like Canada because they have far fewer specialists. My daughter lived in England for a year and we had to "buy" into the national healthcare system. When she got sick, she didn't go to a Doctor, she just went to the pharmacy where the pharmacist gave her a prescription.
My mom was an RN and she was completely frustrated by the "not for profit" medical industry. Rather than give away care, or cutting charges, they would spend the money on unnecessary equipment. When they got a CT scanner she was particularly frustrated. There are 4 hospital groups in our area, all have a CT scanner, all have CT scanners that sit unused for about 75% of the time. Rather than sharing one, they all bought one.