Relationship Age Gap

[Skellingtonj]

We are 4 years apart. You don’t even notice it, IMO. I dated someone who was 6 years older then me. I was 19 he was 26 it was tough but we were together for over 2 years. I have a frien who married someone 20 years old. She’s happy but that is toooo much of a gap for me.

 

[smokeyblue]

I think it has to do with the maturity of both parties and where they are in in life. I think generally such a large age gap isn't the best situation especially if one of the parties are in their early 20's.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

I once heard someone suggest 1/2 (the older person's) age plus 7, and I think that is pretty good guidance. For an 18 year old, that means 16 or over. For me personally as a 45 year old, that means over 30 (though 30 would be too young for me and 75 would be too old). However, if someone was into those age groups, it seems that they each party would be in an "appropriate" range.

 

[georgina]

As with many things, I think it needs to be looked at on a case by case basis. My DH is 8 yrs older than I am (married 31 years), we have a lot in common. I don't imagine a few more years age difference would have mattered.

 

[morgan98]

I am 11 years younger than my husband. I am not sure there is a hard and fast rule about what will work and that you can say it should only be a certain number of years apart for everyone.

I think having interests and goals in common or some other type of bond can also span years. I also think physical and emotional age can play a part in things. For example, my husband may be 59, but is seriously a workout fiend and can outrun and out work people 20 years younger than he is. My point in that is that not everyone ages at the same rate, etc.

 

[neverlandsky]

Just not for me. I know my heart. Me & DH are 15 months apart. I've seen friends/relatives where it's worked out brilliantly with the age gap.

The largest age gap I know of is 25 years with a few relatives. What's sad with larger age gaps is there comes a point where the older spouse just can't keep up with the younger spouse. Younger spouse then moves on pretty fast after passing of older spouse.

 

[dotfurio]

When I was in my mid-twenties I dated a guy almost 20 years older than me. We only lasted a couple months. The generation gap was too much for us. Also, he kept trying to be in charge of all the decisions because he was older and knew better. He never respected me as an equal.

 

[GreatLakes]

I dated someone much younger than me when I was in my early 30's but it was just for fun and I had no interest in it being long term. I think the key is looking into the future. Being 10-15 years apart when you are 20 and 30/35 isn't that big of a deal but 40 and 50/55 or 50 and 60/65 really can be. One person is looking at retirement while the other might still have career jumps to make.

The other big difference is kids. If the younger person wants to wait until they are further along in their career before having kids then it may push the older person to an age where they don't want to have a newborn.

I think big age gaps working long term is the exception and not the rule but do whatever works for you.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

For those who are past their 1st marriage, sometimes I think it’s more important for their kids to be close in age than for the couple. Or at least, I know of some ex-couples close in age who had issues due to vast differences in the ages of their children.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I dated someone much younger than me when I was in my early 30's but it was just for fun and I had no interest in it being long term. I think the key is looking into the future. Being 10-15 years apart when you are 20 and 30/35 isn't that big of a deal but 40 and 50/55 or 50 and 60/65 really can be. One person is looking at retirement while the other might still have career jumps to make.

The other big difference is kids. If the younger person wants to wait until they are further along in their career before having kids then it may push the older person to an age where they don't want to have a newborn.

I think big age gaps working long term is the exception and not the rule but do whatever works for you.

See, for me I believe 30/20 is a much tougher bridge to gap than 50/40. I’m 51 now & have no trouble relating to people 10 years younger than me. At 30, I had NOTHING in common with 20-year-olds.

I do agree about the retirement point, but I think 10 years can work if the older one stays in their field a few extra years & the younger one retires a little early. My in laws are 10 years apart. He retired at 65, her at 57. So, he was only retired “without” her for 2 years. But, a decade is probably approaching the limit for that particular issue.

 

[Erica_Haley]

I once dated a guy who's facebook said he was 30, while I was 22. While we were in person, I had forgot, so I asked and he refused to tell me, stating "the only people who will know my age is my parents and who I end up marrying", so naturally I started snooping when he went to work. Found out he pleaded guilty to being"involved" with a minor in 1996 (I was born in 1993!). This didn't show up when I researched him online or I wouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place.
My current boyfriend is only a year and a half older than me, but we haven't even been together for a year yet.

 

[morgan98]

See, for me I believe 30/20 is a much tougher bridge to gap than 50/40. I’m 51 now & have no trouble relating to people 10 years younger than me. At 30, I had NOTHING in common with 20-year-olds.

I do agree about the retirement point, but I think 10 years can work if the older one stays in their field a few extra years & the younger one retires a little early. My in laws are 10 years apart. He retired at 65, her at 57. So, he was only retired “without” her for 2 years. But, a decade is probably approaching the limit for that particular issue.

The retirement situation above is sort of what we are with our 11 year gap. This is a second marriage for both of us and we actually married when I was 38 and he was 49. Due to timing, evaluating our life at that time and some other issues we did not have children, nor did either of us have children from our previous marriage. (I have nothing against children at all. I am just saying this to explain we did not have to pay for children, college, etc). Instead we both had/have demanding careers. My husband "retired" from his international travel job one year ago at age 58 and now has a hobby job and does some consulting. I have a demanding job and he is a great cook, does all yard work and even cleans. So I actually am a princess at home...lol!

Anyway, all of that do say, I think we will probably continue on this path until he is probably 65 or 66 and I am 55. At that point, we will be more than able to move to our next phase of life.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

My ex-husband was 13.5 years older than me. In retrospect, it was a very bad idea to become involved with, and marry somebody that much older than me. I guess was kind of OK when he was 39 and I was 25 when we were dating. However, there were a lot of "generational" differences we had. We seemed to get along OK back then, but there were huge issues all the time that I should have paid attention to. Not even joking, I cannot count the amount of times (it happened so often) when we were out, people thought we were father/daughter instead of husband/wife. People would say something in regards to that, and then he would get all angry and crappy with me, and I literally did nothing wrong.

I guess the bigger issues began to arise years down the road. With that kind of an age difference, when I was late 30's, early 40's I was dealing with his "older person" issues. He never took care of himself (long story that won't be addressed here), so a lot of the problems were made worse due to that. Anyhoo, things just went from bad to worse.

Moral of the story I guess is, a big age gap can cause big problems.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

My husband and I are 2 1/2 years apart. My parents, 10 months.

I know two couples that were 15 years apart. For both couples the husband was older. Both women are now widows. One man died when his wife was about 55. But even before then, he was slowing down. And yes, she noticed. She has said that, although yes she did love him, she wouldn't recommend that anyone do what she did. The other couple is my aunt and uncle. He has also died, she is in her 60's, now. But for many years before he died, he had slowed down considerably. He lost his hearing and his energy. And if she hadn't been his caregiver he would have been in a home for the last 5 - 7 years of his life. When she got married, it was clear that they married because she wanted someone to support her, and he fit the bill. I am sure that she came to love him. But at the end, she was just waiting for him to die.

 

[tvguy]

I'm 4 months older than my wife. 36 years later, no issues.
My dad was 13 years older than my mom. Dad died at age 56. My mom passed away at age 90 after being a widow for 46 years. They were married 17 years. So, to me a 13 year age difference wasn't an issue during their married life that I saw. Given the difference in the life spans, that to me was bigger than their age difference when they married. If they had been the same age, my mom would have been widowed 33 years instead of 46, still more than twice as long as they were married.

So in that context, 10 to 15 years isn't much of an issue. To me about 20 years.......essentially a generation.....is where it starts getting to be a gap that could be an issue. I see that just in dealing with women I worth with who are 20 years younger. Or 20 years older than me for that matter. Different wants, needs, experiences. 30 years is where it starts getting creepy. Jane Fonda (who is 80) was in town last week, and only 1 person out of 10 that I asked knew who she was. Just not part of their life experience

But, really, it isn't anyone's business but the couples. They're just following their hearts.....or so I hope.

 

[runwad]

My ex-husband was 13.5 years older than me. In retrospect, it was a very bad idea to become involved with, and marry somebody that much older than me. I guess was kind of OK when he was 39 and I was 25 when we were dating. However, there were a lot of "generational" differences we had. We seemed to get along OK back then, but there were huge issues all the time that I should have paid attention to. Not even joking, I cannot count the amount of times (it happened so often) when we were out, people thought we were father/daughter instead of husband/wife. People would say something in regards to that, and then he would get all angry and crappy with me, and I literally did nothing wrong.

I guess the bigger issues began to arise years down the road. With that kind of an age difference, when I was late 30's, early 40's I was dealing with his "older person" issues. He never took care of himself (long story that won't be addressed here), so a lot of the problems were made worse due to that. Anyhoo, things just went from bad to worse.

Moral of the story I guess is, a big age gap can cause big problems.

I have an acquaintance who's DD22 is dating someone 15 years older, and she started up with him at 19. I would never say anything but I wonder about this guy dating someone that much younger. The girl is very naive and doesn't have a lot of self confidence. Personally I think he's gonna wait and see if she finishes her degree and if she gets a good job and can support him he'll take it to the next level.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

I’ve known 2 couples I can think of with big age gaps.
My grandmother & grandfather. She was 20 years older than he was. My grandmother outlived him by 8 years. They were a feisty couple.
The other is a woman I work with & her husband. I think it’s 23 years difference & he is older. They have an “open relationship” according to her, so I think that means she sleeps around & he goes to bed early-alone.

 

[im4pacers1]

DH is 9 years older than I am. He was 30 when we met. We have been married for 13 years in October. My parents are 15.5 years apart. My dad is 80, my mom is 64. They celebrated their 41st anniversary in April. The age difference is more obvious now than ever. My dad is still completely mobile and independent but he tires easily and my mom has to remind herself that he is 80!!

 

[Colleen27]

My husband is 9 years older and there are times when it has been an issue. It came up when we were struggling to have our third child - he was feeling the clock ticking in a way that I wasn't, since I wasn't yet 30 and all he could see was 40 just over the horizon. That turned out to be relatively minor because in the end, I was done trying well before he was because of the emotional ups and downs, but it was the first flash of realization that we won't always be on the same page in life. And now that we're getting older, I see it more and more. Odds are, we're not going to have a retirement together. I don't think our planning will be sufficient to afford an individual insurance policy for 9-10 years before I qualify for medicare if I retire when he does, and by the time I'm old enough to retire myself, he'll be well into his 70s and very likely (based on family history and personal habits) won't be in good enough health to enjoy the things people look forward to in retirement.

 

[Colleen27]

I do agree about the retirement point, but I think 10 years can work if the older one stays in their field a few extra years & the younger one retires a little early. My in laws are 10 years apart. He retired at 65, her at 57. So, he was only retired “without” her for 2 years. But, a decade is probably approaching the limit for that particular issue.

I think that's getting harder to do, though, with the end of pensions and retiree healthcare. We started out planning that way, but have realized over the years that there is literally no amount of money (within our grasp anyway) that would feel like enough to risk 5-10 years of buying health insurance on the individual market. There's no telling what prices for that might be 20 years from now or whether the insurance would even be worth having if consumer protections/coverage mandates are rolled back, and at that age, there's a very real chance of developing the kind of expensive medical condition that will get a policy cancelled in a hurry.