Received a wedding invite - is this tacky?

[totalia]

I don't believe in anything called tacky. Tacky is an outdated perception.

 

[ballroombelle]

I can think of reasons for almost every one of the items you mentioned that would allow me to forgive the HC, though I must admit, registry cards aside, I think I'd be very hurt if some member of my fiance's family-a fiance I'd been with for 6+years-didn't include my actual name.

 

[CajunDixie]

Although I still think though that if you're addressing an invitation that includes someone that's marrying into your family, at least go to the trouble to find out what the name is. Especially when you already have the name.

But it's not a done deal yet. You're not married. Just think how it would look if your name was on the invitation and you had cancelled your wedding. Your DFi could be traumatized seeing your name on his invitation.

Seriously though, the whole thing was tacky but life's too short to worry about minor things like that. Technically, they should have done one of two things. If you live together it should have been addressed
Dr. XXX
Miss XXX
PO BOX 000
Lala Land, FL 00000

If you live at separate addresses you each should have received your own invitation.

 

[robinb]

I think you should write down all the rules and check them twice so you don't do something remotely tacky when when you marry your DFi. I say give the bride a break.

 

[KathyTX]

I thought that medical doctors used the "Dr." title both socially and professionally, but that PhD's used the title only professionally.

 

[Hippychickali]

I agree with "Etiquette rules, smetiquette rules." Who cares? I'm getting married in July and I'll probably break a lot of them. You have broken your own rules (and will probably be seen by tacky by some) for sending out your invitations reallllly early. I'm doing that too and I don't care. To tell you the truth, I'm using the "and guest" for any couple who is not married. It's just simplier that way. And I'm certainly not hand writing my invitations. What's the point in that? In the grand scheme of things, invitations should not be that important.

As far as demanding to be called Dr. goes, I think that's pretentious. I have a professor like that. I mean, technically I could demand to be called Ali Sampson, B.A. Heck, I worked hard for that B.A. I'm going to be Rev. soon but I wouldn't think twice if someone referred to me as Mrs.

So, I guess I'm echoing those who say: Who cares if it's tacky or not?

Ali

 

[twojo21]

100% tacky.

the whole invitation is outside of appropriate wedding etiquette. i am also in the process of wedding invitations and if you know the guest name it should definetly be printed on the invitation, if they're engaged or married it should always be addressed to both of you. and the approriate title should be used for the front envelope. my fiance is working on his doctorate & i agree that he should be addressed as so on formal invitations & such, graduate school is alot of work. as for the registry cards those are inapproriate in a wedding invitation. sounds like the addressee of these invites or the couple is just not up to date on etiquette, it doesnt make them awful people just x list candidates of miss manners.

i would be hurt too, but wouldnt let this ruin the happy events of their wedding or mine. you will all be family soon, best wishes.

 

[ladyjayhawk]

I thought that medical doctors used the "Dr." title both socially and professionally, but that PhD's used the title only professionally.

You are correct. Someone with a Ph.D. should not expect to be referred to as "doctor" away from the academic setting. Both my DH and I have doctorates but are only called "Dr." by our students. We do not want or expect friends and family to call us Dr. The DFi sounds a bit snobby to me.

Here is a bit of etiquette I found on this subject:

Dear Rebecca,

I am addressing envelopes for my wedding and there is one couple I'm not sure how to address. The wife is a Ph.D. (not a medical doctor) and the husband does not have a title other than Mr. If she were a medical doctor, I understand Mr. John and Dr. Jane Doe would be appropriate, but for a doctor who is not an MD, how do you handle the address?

As an extension of this question, for others who are Ph.D. doctors is it appropriate to address them as such, or is Doctor on invitations reserved for medical doctors only?


Reply:

Thank you for your question. You would address the outer envelope as:
Professor Jane Doe, or Jane Doe, Ph.D.
Mr. John Doe

And, the inner envelope:
Professor Doe and Mr. Doe

The Doctor, or Dr. would be reserved for medical doctors in correspondence.

 

[Planogirl]

My cousins and a few friends that have PHD's never refer to themselves as "Dr". Maybe it's a regional thing?

I would let all of this go. Chances are a friend of the couple sent these out and there's not much point in taking it personally.

 

[ladyjayhawk]

i am also in the process of wedding invitations ........and the approriate title should be used for the front envelope. my fiance is working on his doctorate & i agree that he should be addressed as so on formal invitations & such, graduate school is alot of work.

His appropriate title would be "Professor".

 

[ChrisnSteph]

The whole being upset about not being addressed as Dr. seems a bit pretentious to me too. Not worth being upset about, IMHO. AFter reading your second post, I have to wonder if your fiance is more upset by the invitations or something else more personal....

The registry cards, they are pretty common these days for weddings, showers, ect. Personally, I don't mind them because it makes it easier for me to get them a gift they'll love.

I'm torn on the issue about including your name on the invitation. I sort of think I would feel a bit miffed too. However, being that he is your fiance, it might be considered tacky to put YOUR name on the invitation because in theory you aren't living together, right? (not saying there's anything wrong with that, heck, I got pregnant before I got married!) Just looking at it from your "etiquette" perspective.

It's quite possible they enlisted the help of other people for addresses, and for mailing out the invites. Not a big deal, brides do it all the time. I think you guys are making a big ado about nothing. Just be glad you were invited and be happy for the new couple!

 

[ChrislovesMinnie]

Totally tacky.

Plan something else for that day.

 

[Keli]

I wouldn't sweat the small stuff like this. I'd send my regrets along with a gift and move on to making sure my wedding is everything I ever wanted it to be.

 

[Hippychickali]

Totally tacky.

Plan something else for that day.

This is a joke right? You would honestly not go to a wedding because you didn't agree with their invitation etiquette. Life is much to short for this.

Ali

 

[justhat]

That same thing happened to my husband and I before we were married. His best friend (since they were 13) got engaged after we did. His friend had called to ask him to be in the wedding, and both he and his now wife know me fairly well. Well, the save the date card came a few days later and was only addressed to my husband, not even 'and guest'. So he called them to ask if I was invited cause if not he wasn't going to be in their wedding (he didn't mention that to them) and his friend said yeah, blamed the girl (and really it was her fault as she wrote and mailed them) and put her on the phone. She said it was a typo and other people complained too. Fine. That was that.

Then the invitation comes to the rehersal dinner, no mention of my name. So again, he calls to ask, this time to see if the dinner is literally wedding party only or if i'm invited (we live in DC and the wedding was in Baton Rouge). They said "yeah, of course, we just made a mistake on the envelope". Normally we wouldn't have even asked that, and I would have just skipped it, but since we were going to be out of town, and staying with my in-laws in New Orleans, which is an hour away, I couldn't just come or go as I pleased. Then an invitation comes to some party their threw themselves and says 'Joey and guest". They too had our invitation by then and knew my name, etc. So I was a little insulted, but it was better than not being on there at all. Then the wedding invitation comes and also says guest. If these were strangers it would be one thing, but my husband was in their wedding, the groom was in our wedding, and the bride and I knew each other so there was no excuse for not writing my name.

The best part was that she got mad at all the grooms friends (my husband included, even though we live out of state and only saw her at the rehersal, dinner, and wedding) and 'demoted' them from groomsmen to ushers at the wedding. They weren't even allowed in the church during the marriage! They had to wait outside to open the doors for everyone at the end! So compared to that, my name not being on the invitation seemed small.

Oh, another thing I find odd is that I'm in a friend's wedding in April and she just told me that she told one of the bridesmaids that her boyfriend can't come to the wedding. Is that a normal thing? I know if I had told her that at my wedding she would have been very annoyed, so I'm not sure why she's doing this at hers. Guess I'm glad I'm married as she can't really not invite my husband!

 

[tar heel]

You and your DH to be will discover that, unless you are in a university community or other place with a lot of PhDs, many people refer only to medical doctors as "Dr." I'd try to get over any offense you feel at his not being referred to that way b/c it's awfully easy to come off as pretentious.

I think the registry cards are tacky. Heck, when I got married, the Emily Post (or whoever) guide very directly said that reply cards were in poor taste. It said that people should be capable of telephoning or writing a response, not checking a box. Now, 23 years later, EVERYONE uses them!

 

[bunnyfoo]

I had something like that happen to me last summer. DBF's friend was getting married and he got an invitation addressed to DBF and guest I felt a little funny about it because other wedding invitations (for friends) we had received in the past were addressed to the both of us. DBF did ask the friend why my name was left off the invitation and he said that it was ettiquette ... I was a little upset at first because I'd known the friend for about as long as I had been going out with DBF (9 years). In the end I just let it go and figured they had enough to do with wedding planning and had enough on their minds. But... on their wedding card I signed my name as Guest (bunnyfoo) ... The friend had a laugh when he saw that.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

Oh, another thing I find odd is that I'm in a friend's wedding in April and she just told me that she told one of the bridesmaids that her boyfriend can't come to the wedding. Is that a normal thing? I know if I had told her that at my wedding she would have been very annoyed, so I'm not sure why she's doing this at hers. Guess I'm glad I'm married as she can't really not invite my husband!

does your friend go through boyfriends a lot? Sometimes if you are trying to cut a list the first place to go is the and guest - I have heard of weddings that unless you are engaged - you can't bring a guest - which makes sense - you would rather cut someone you have never met from your list or a friend

to the OP - totally tacky but some brides are clueless - let it slide - life's too short!!

 

[poohandwendy]

and the approriate title should be used for the front envelope. my fiance is working on his doctorate & i agree that he should be addressed as so on formal invitations & such, graduate school is alot of work.

Oh for goodness sakes, are you kidding me? Giving birth to 3 children was really hard work, should formal invitations sent to me be addressed as Mrs Wendy X, multipara? No, because that part of my life is irrelevant to the occasion. I think the extent of effort one as put forth in life has no relevance in addressing invitations to a family member you are inviting to your wedding.

If the parties only know each other on a professional level, I think it would be appropriate to note the title. If not, I think it is entirely appropriate to address the invited as Mr or Mrs/Ms.

As to the OP, the only thing that would slightly irk me was your name being excluded. That wasn't very considerate, IMHO. But I wouldn't give it all that much thought. (just a thought though, if there were many invitations going out it is possible the bride had help writing them and that person just wrote the standard 'and guest'. Not a good enough excuse, but could explain the oversight)

I also have to say it is amazing how people become so stressed about etiquette when planning a wedding. I guess that is where the 'bridezilla' title came about. It's supposed to be a happy occasion, not one for petty disection of minute details. JMHO

 

[princesspumpkin]

I don't think that anything you mentioned was actually "tacky". Maybe not what your and your fiance think is supposed to happen, but not actually "tacky". I am somewhat annoyed with society's etiquette rules in general. Things like handwritten only, no registry cards (but you can spread it by word of mouth all you want), what name to put, etc. If people only put that much energy into their marriage. Also, I never could understand why people feel that other people should address them as Dr. outside of the medical setting. It's a profession, just like others, and if that were the case, then we all should be addressed according to our professions. All in all, it sounds like your fiance had different family issues before this whole thing started that may have made this issue even bigger than it is.