Received a wedding invite - is this tacky?

[NMAmy]

The Dr. thing reminds me of something funny. My sister, cousin, and uncle all have PhD's and I work at a college so I can't swing a cat without hitting someone who is a doctor of something or other. Most folks I know don't make a big deal out of it and are only referred to as Dr. by their students.

One of our instructors was being a smart aleck so I called her Miss Smarty Pants. To which she replied, "Excuse me, that's DOCTOR Smarty Pants." That is now her new nickname and how I address all my email messages to her.

 

[CheshireVal]

None of that stuff would bother me, but I'm kinda laid back about etiquette matters.

I'm afraid to think of how many people I've offended with my wedding invitations and shower thank you notes so far! I didn't realize people (in general, not necessarily OP) could be so uptight about this stuff!!

 

[laurajetter]

Ahhh, I like to give poor frazzled brides a slide on things like this. No biggie, in my opinion. At least you're invited, right? Go and have fun.

ITA Give them a break...this isn't something to work yourself up over. They probably have so many guests it would take forever to sit down for each invitation and doublecheck to make sure they aren't offending anyone in how they are addressed. And technically you are NOT married yet; I very well may have done the same thing and put "and guest" to anyone who is not married, even though you are engaged. I thought you were going to say that it just had your DFi name on it and nothing else; now that would be tacky.

I remember how nervewracked and frazzled I was during the planning of my wedding. Although I would have felt bad if I found out that I offended someone by how I had addressed an invitation, it would have probably been at the low end of my priority list of worries at that point of wedding planning. I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt and just forget about it and help them to enjoy their day.

 

[minkydog]

DFi, now actually he's upset about it. He's kind of looked down on in the family because he went into science and he's ONLY got a Phd. Because he's in science he makes a fraction of what most of the others in his generation do - apparently it's a family thing to go into consulting or finance or such things.

Soooo...what part is your DFi upset about, that they left yourname off or that they didn't afford him proper homage (notice how I got that French word in there? Maybe I should get my PhD ) If the "Dr." part is what he's in a snit about, tell him to get over it. No one is more impressed with his graduate degree than him.

Cathy--Daughter & sister of professional students

 

[laurajetter]

Oh, another thing I find odd is that I'm in a friend's wedding in April and she just told me that she told one of the bridesmaids that her boyfriend can't come to the wedding. Is that a normal thing? I know if I had told her that at my wedding she would have been very annoyed, so I'm not sure why she's doing this at hers. Guess I'm glad I'm married as she can't really not invite my husband!

I don't know if it's a normal thing, but I definitely understand how it can happen. I married at age 22 and my parents were paying for just about the whole wedding. When it came to creating the guest list, my mom was extremely adamant about not going over the limit of how many guests we decided to have. It seemed okay for her and my dad to invite whoever they wanted, but when I mentioned that I wanted to put "and guest" on the invitations to my bridesmaids, she hit the roof. She said she didn't want to be adding extra people that she didn't even know; I told her I wouldn't do that for my friends that were regular guests, but at least I should do it for my bridesmaids. Well, she wouldn't budge and I had the unpleasant task of making sure that the girls knew that they couldn't bring a guest.

There may be more behind the reasoning for doing something like that than you realize. Even though it could possibly be that the person is just uncouth and not very thoughtful, I like to give brides the benefit of the doubt in matters like this.

 

[ead79]

1) The invitation wasn't actually sent to "us" directly from the Happy Couple (HC), instead it was sent to DFi's parents and then on to us. The address except for the postal code is typed, it's obvious DFi's parents wrote it in. To me, if you're going to invite someone to your wedding, go online and find out their address. Yes, that part is tacky. You should hand address wedding invitations, and you should definitely find out the correct address of the invitation recipient.

2) The invitation was addressed to "Mr" DFi. DFi isn't a "Mr", he's a "Dr" - as he likes to say, he didn't go to Evil Graduate School to be called "Mr". His relative knows it's "Dr", it's on the invitation/information we sent them for our wedding. I'm not too sure about this one. To be honest, I'm not sure what the appropriate social etiquette is for people with Ph.D. degrees, not medical doctors.

3) The invitation was to "Mr DFi and guest". Aside from the fact that the etiquette mavens say that "and guest" isn't appropriate for a wedding (who knew) - DFi and I have been going out since 1998. We've been engaged since 2001. The relatives already have the invitation for our wedding and oddly enough that invitation has my name on it, so it's not as though they have no idea I exist. I've never met the relative (DFi's extended family is quite large) but still, they're perfectly aware that DFi is about to be married. According to my etiquette book (Emily Post’s), the term “and guest” is acceptable. If the couple does not indicate “and guest” on a non-married person’s invitation, then the invitee is not supposed to bring a guest. However, both members of an engaged couple are supposed to be invited to weddings according to etiquette. Additionally, if the name of the guest is known (and in this case it clearly was), then you should address the invitation to Dr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith if that makes sense.

4) Included with the invitation was a little mitfull of registry cards. I'm sorry, it's just tacky. I still think registering is tacky (even though I had to register for our wedding) but registering just isn't "done" here. Well it's starting to catch on, but it's nowhere near as prevalent as in the US. Registering isn’t tacky, but including registry cards and/or any mention of gifts with the wedding invitation is tacky. Basically, it gives the impression that the bride and groom are looking for gifts. Now of course wedding etiquette dictates that wedding guests should bring gifts, but the bride and groom should never be seen as “asking for them.”

All that being said, don't let it bother you. Just send your regrets (since you mentioned you can't attend), and a gift.

 

[leighe]

Yes - I would agree that the entire invitation was tacky. Especially including registry cards in the invitation - that's my personal wedding pet peeve!

 

[vettechick99]

I'm not upset about it. I'm just asking if it's tacky.

Well not exactly, your tone in the post was definitely on the aggitated side. But I'll tell you why I think you are upset in a moment.

Yes including registry cards is not appropriate. Not taking the time to find out your name or including it, inappropriate as well.

Being upset about the Dr. thing, I agree it's pretentious. Growing up my two best friend's dads were professors (music & accounting) and I was never asked to call them Dr. and still don't 30 years later. Did your FI get a PhD just to be called Dr. or what? It's obviously an oversight on their part, not a slight on your education efforts.

But what I think you are really upset that this family is half-*** inviting you to a wedding, asking for gifts and they don't even know you or your FI. They don't recognize him as a "Dr.", they don't know your name or care to take the time and call someone.

In that regards, you have a reason to take notice, but not get upset about it, and just make a note in your brain for the future...

 

[princess pooh]

Oh, another thing I find odd is that I'm in a friend's wedding in April and she just told me that she told one of the bridesmaids that her boyfriend can't come to the wedding. Is that a normal thing? I know if I had told her that at my wedding she would have been very annoyed, so I'm not sure why she's doing this at hers. Guess I'm glad I'm married as she can't really not invite my husband!

It's not that uncommon but I think a bridesmaid really should be invited with a date. It's actually happened to me a few times and it was really uncomfortable going to a wedding alone. I understand why people do it though.

 

[justhat]

Thanks julia&nicksmom and laurajetter for the insight. I have also heard of not inviting 'guests' of people to keep the list down, but never really thought about it including the bridal party. Not sure why, but I sort of thought that there would be exceptions for them, I guess since you're typically close to them so odds are you know their SO as well. The bridesmaid is mad at her now so she won't go to the bachelorette party (yes, the same one you I posted a thread about a couple of weeks ago). The bride said all is well for the wedding, but I don't know, I still think the girl is upset since she's still not going away with them this weekend. Oh well, just glad that my wedding is over with!

Oh yeah, I forgot to add that we forgot to address some invitations as Dr. and Mrs. for our wedding, and these were people we are close with and my husband and I are a year away from being drs ourselves so you'd think I would have thought of it! They were mostly all medical drs, one phd, but I honestly forgot. My mom noticed it after the envelopes were addressed, but too late then!

 

[MossMan]

Yes - I would agree that the entire invitation was tacky. Especially including registry cards in the invitation - that's my personal wedding pet peeve!

I think the inclusion of registry cards is very thoughtful. I have absolutely no idea what to buy people in the best of circumstances. Since I obviously have to buy a present when I go to a wedding, I very much appreciate any guidence. Of course, those who are empathatic enough to already know what to buy any newlywed couple can always ignore the cards.

Registering isn’t tacky, but including registry cards and/or any mention of gifts with the wedding invitation is tacky. Basically, it gives the impression that the bride and groom are looking for gifts. Now of course wedding etiquette dictates that wedding guests should bring gifts, but the bride and groom should never be seen as “asking for them.

See, I don't get this at all. We all know that wedding presents must be bought and we all buy them when we go to weddings. Yet we are supposed to pretend that this custom doesn't exist?

What's the point in that? Lets just be up and front and honest about something that is this common. And if the bride and groom should happen to leave the impression that they are looking for gifts, why should that bother me in the slightest?

Maybe they are looking for gifts. Or maybe one of them is. My wife loved her wedding gifts and cherish's many of them still to this day. And the stuff she loves best is the stuff she wanted to get on her wedding day. I don't have clue whether registry cards were even an option when we got marrried. But those friends and relatives who took the time to enquire about what my wife wanted really helped to make her our wedding special to her. Why she is so sentimental about a crystal punch bowl we've maybe used a dozen times in 18 years I don't know. But she never would have bought one for herself and loves having it.

So I say registry cards are good thing. There we go, I have just invented a new rule of wedding etiquette. I hereby proclaim it tacky NOT to include registry cards with wedding invitations.

 

[katerkat]

But what I think you are really upset that this family is half-*** inviting you to a wedding, asking for gifts and they don't even know you or your FI. They don't recognize him as a "Dr.", they don't know your name or care to take the time and call someone.

I hate half-***ed efforts on the part of the bride/groom. We invited over 300 people to our wedding and I made sure to get every name and address correct. It may be a small thing, but there's no reason not to - I think it looks tacky to not put forth the effort. I get slightly annoyed when we get formal things addressing DH as "Mr." I think he's earned the right to be addressed as Lt. Just as your DH earned the right to be address (formally) as Dr.

 

[ead79]

I think the inclusion of registry cards is very thoughtful. I have absolutely no idea what to buy people in the best of circumstances. Since I obviously have to buy a present when I go to a wedding, I very much appreciate any guidence. Of course, those who are empathatic enough to already know what to buy any newlywed couple can always ignore the cards.

See, I don't get this at all. We all know that wedding presents must be bought and we all buy them when we go to weddings. Yet we are supposed to pretend that this custom doesn't exist?

What's the point in that? Lets just be up and front and honest about something that is this common. And if the bride and groom should happen to leave the impression that they are looking for gifts, why should that bother me in the slightest?

Maybe they are looking for gifts. Or maybe one of them is. My wife loved her wedding gifts and cherish's many of them still to this day. And the stuff she loves best is the stuff she wanted to get on her wedding day. I don't have clue whether registry cards were even an option when we got marrried. But those friends and relatives who took the time to enquire about what my wife wanted really helped to make her our wedding special to her. Why she is so sentimental about a crystal punch bowl we've maybe used a dozen times in 18 years I don't know. But she never would have bought one for herself and loves having it.

So I say registry cards are good thing. There we go, I have just invented a new rule of wedding etiquette. I hereby proclaim it tacky NOT to include registry cards with wedding invitations.

I completely agree that it is customary (and proper) to bring gifts to a wedding. Plus, I think it's an added bonus if the guest is courteous enough to purchase a gift off of a registry if there is one. Customarily, according to etiquette, gift registry information is spread by word of mouth, but not the word of mouth of the bride and groom themselves. For instance, if a lady was invited to a bridal shower for the bride, she would ask the shower hostess where the bride was registered to get that information. This method worked very well for us--almost all of our guests knew where we registered without us directly providing this information.

I certainly understand what you mean about enjoying/cherishing wedding gifts (we received some that are dear to us and sentimental), so I dont' mean that the bride and groom don't look forward to gifts. Goodness knows I was so excited every time a package showed up at the door of my parents' house. I think the main intention behind this rule of etiquette is that the guests don't feel like the main reason they are being invited to the wedding is to bring a gift. The main reason is of course for that person to share in the joy of your wedding day.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

This thread brings to mind "Don't sweat the small stuff" and in the end, it's all small stuff. I wouldn't lose sleep over any of these issues. I would like the gift registry cards as they would help me buy something the couple needs.

 

[eeyore0062]

Ok: the Dr/Mr mixup. Excusable. When one is filling out that many invitations, either the Miss/Mrs./Mr. titles do become ingrained. If someone is a medical Dr, I would probably be more inclined to remember than if he is a PhD... my FIL is the later, and I forget, even with him.

The "and guest" debacle: Are these people close friends? Close enough to realize that your fiance is still dating the same person after all these years, but just isn't married to her yet? My guess is that they weren't sure and wanted to save face if for some reason the 2 of you weren't still together. However, if they are close friends, it is unexcusable.

As for including the registry cards: that is plain tacky and asking for gifts. I would ignore all of them, and get they what you want to get them. Maybe a crystal vase... they seemed to be pretty popular gifts from people we invited that "didn't know us very well".

 

[Hippychickali]

The bridesmaid is mad at her now so she won't go to the bachelorette party.

Bachelorette party? Now that's tacky.

Ali

 

[robinb]

The bridesmaid is mad at her now so she won't go to the bachelorette party (yes, the same one you I posted a thread about a couple of weeks ago).

Justine: This one's for your friend!

 

[justhat]

Thanks Robin! That's great!!

 

[PamOKW]

The registry cards are tacky. Not getting the correct address and the correct names for the invitation is lazy.

If your fiance is not a medical doctor, then they are technically correct because traditional etiquette would not use "Dr." in writing for anyone who is not a medical doctor. The person could be introduced as "Dr.". There are several versions of how this should done and more modern guidelines are a little looser on using "Dr." Here's what was on The Knot:

Q. How do you address a person who is a Ph.D.? Is it Dr. Mark Donovan or Mr. Mark Donovan, Ph.D.? I haven't seen this question answered in any books or magazines.

A. For the outer envelope, you can use Mark Donovan, Ph.D. (no Mr.), Doctor Mark Donovan (though this title is usually used only by medical doctors), or Professor Mark Donovan. For the inner, use Dr. Donovan or Professor Donovan.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

I'm not upset about it. I'm just asking if it's tacky.

DFi, now actually he's upset about it. He's kind of looked down on in the family because he went into science and he's ONLY got a Phd. Because he's in science he makes a fraction of what most of the others in his generation do - apparently it's a family thing to go into consulting or finance or such things. Yes, how much people make is a common topic for conversation in his family - I mean as in they come right up to you and ask you how much you make. Because he's often treated as being "less worthy" because of his income level, he often takes these kinds of things very personally.

They've planned an insanely huge wedding that - well for us it would probably take 10-15 years to pay off. They've invited 700 people. I'm sure there are bound to be more than a few slip ups made.

Although I still think though that if you're addressing an invitation that includes someone that's marrying into your family, at least go to the trouble to find out what the name is. Especially when you already have the name.

All the items you mentioned might not be "tacky" by themselves. But I can see how some of them might be hurtful especially based on how your DFi felt "slighted" by his relatives in the past.

How close of a relative is getting married anyways? With 700 guests, I doubt they addressed all the invitations themselves.

We had 600 guests ourselves. Yikes! I have a huge extended family. Just my side of the family accounted for over 200 of the guests! What do I call my Mom's cousins and their kids? To be honest, I don't know half of my relatives' names much less their spouses or fiances. I doubt even my Mom knows everyone's names and even if she does, it's probably only in Chinese.

After years of numerous weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. we recognize each other but I still can't remember half their names. Lol!

My in-laws had their own business and had loyal employess that had been with them for many years and were like "family." So, they invited all their employess to the wedding. I recognized most of them but couldn't keep all the names straight either.

We basically split the invitations into his parents', my parents', and ours. We addressed all our own invitations and the parents' addressed and delivered those to their friends and family. I remember my Mom calling her uncle for the names on his side of the family, she addressed in Chinese without the addresses and hand delivered the invites to her uncle to hand out.

To this day, I've gotten numerous invites via my parents to family events.