Really torn on adopt a family

[golfgal]

I was the poster who mentioned that a family my office "adopted" asked for a game system. This was the "family" gift. Each person in the family (6 kids, 2 parents) asked for many other gifts and they were very specific about the high-end brands that they wanted for each piece of clothing & shoes.

I grew up in low-income housing and there were many times when we were living paycheck to paycheck so I don't begrudge people asking for a little help during the holidays; in fact, I'm one of the first to step up & help because I've been there. I do feel that asking for $300 game systems and high-end brand clothing rather than basic necessities & a few nice basic games for kids is crossing a line from being in-need to being greedy.

 

[clh2]

I'll admit - I only read the first few pages of this thread. So - if this thread has gone in a way different directions - my apologies.

Over the past several years, we have only given Christmas gifts through our church. Last year - we gave a gift card for a tech school book store. Easy peasy - and hopefully helped out that individual.

This year I believe we will either be making a cash contribution to a local food pantry - as our church is a strong supporter of this organization.

My point with the above examples - you need to feel comfortable with who you are offering your help! So - if the wish list of this family isn't giving you the warm fuzzies - find a different organization that will appreciate your help!

Good Luck!

 

[kirstenb1]

I agree. Kids want to fit in. I picked two girls from our adopt a family 13 and 15, the same ages as my own daughters and they wanted the same things my girls wanted. I wanted to try to get that from them So, you can get a lot of things on clearance. I bought 2 Hollister sweaters, 2 tank tops and 2 pants in the clearance section for $70. 2 complete outfits for two girls who just wanted to fit in.

I read this, and had to say, you're awesome!!! It means so much just to have 1 outfit that's cool like everyone else's!!!

 

[CurlyGirl]

I do feel that asking for $300 game systems and high-end brand clothing rather than basic necessities & a few nice basic games for kids is crossing a line from being in-need to being greedy.

It all comes down to the organizations who allow them to be greedy! If the organizations told them that asking for name brands and game systems or anything video-game or computer related wasn't allowed, we wouldn't be having this discussion!

The organizations need to have a better control on what people are asking for and should be guiding these folks into what they should consider asking for.

At any rate, I still think people ask for the best, hoping to get it. You never know who will be generous and who will be overly generous. Again, doesn't mean people have to buy what you ask them to buy.

 

[englishteacha]

If you don't feel comfortable, OP, then choose to donate elsewhere if you still want to give. My husband and I support our local food pantry. Our school has often chosen a needy family to donate a holiday meal to. In one case, it turned out to "bite us" as the family then expected the school to pay for all of their various "special" expenses. They wouldn't participate in fundraisers, but would expect the school to pay for the kids' field trips, insurance to take their laptop home, etc.

 

[Mermaid02]

There is an organization here in town that is always collecting something- of course right now it's turkeys- I won't give to that organization- the leader gives me a "warning" type vibe- I find him less than credible.

I give my turkey to another organization

 

[Eeyore98]

Most of them list computer, Xbox, Wii and PS2 games.

The original Xbox and the PS2 are 11 year old systems at this point. It's entirely likely that they were able to get these systems for free from someone else who was buying themselves the Xbox 360 or the PS3 and didn't need their old system anymore.

Heck, you can't even find new games to purchase for these systems anymore, only used. Most of them are under $20.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't find it an unreasonable request.

My family was super broke and led by a single parent when I was growing up, but we had a Nintendo and an ancient Windows 3.1 computer. Why? Because my aunt and uncle were a little better off and gave us their Nintendo when they bought a Super Nintendo, and their old computer when they bought a new one. Now, my mom was far too proud to ever sign up for something like an angel tree, but I'm just saying, things are not always how they may appear at first glance.

 

[2binak]

I do feel that asking for $300 game systems and high-end brand clothing rather than basic necessities & a few nice basic games for kids is crossing a line from being in-need to being greedy.

I think you may have misread what I said. I said that people should ask for basic necessities (clothing, shoes) and a few basic games. I should have said toys as I meant board games, dolls, cars, art supplies, etc. Maybe I'm misreading your response though? I apologize if I am.

 

[CurlyGirl]

My family was super broke and led by a single parent when I was growing up, but we had a Nintendo and an ancient Windows 3.1 computer. Why? Because my aunt and uncle were a little better off and gave us their Nintendo when they bought a Super Nintendo, and their old computer when they bought a new one. Now, my mom was far too proud to ever sign up for something like an angel tree, but I'm just saying, things are not always how they may appear at first glance.

This!

 

[dakcp2001]

But also, sometimes they ARE how they appear. Too many red flags with this one!

 

[snoopyluvsdis]

We always have an angel tree at work and we got an odd email about it the other day. It basically said that most of the families have several kids and that the organization would be working to ensure that all of the kids receive roughly equal amounts. Nothing wrong with that but then it said to expect to spend $200-$300 per child. I find that to be a bit jaw dropping but kudos to those who can afford it.

Wowza wow!

 

[C.Ann]

OP, maybe the mom is disabled who knows what is going on. As for the kids asking for high dollar items. What kids don't ask for high dollar items this are kids. They want what other kids want or have. Doesn't mean that is what they get

Just because a kid gets a hand out once a year for Christmas doesn't mean that s/he won't grow up wanting to get out of the position they're/their parents are in. Especially when they see that there are things in life that they DO want and realize what it will take to get them. Presents one time a year aren't going to make those kids say "Gee, I wanna be poor for my whole life."

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My late DH had 14 brothers and sisters - and his parents also took in an abandoned baby after his mother was no longer able to have kids.. Now before anyone gets in a tither, you have to realize that this began back in the 1930's when it was very normal for people to have large families - not the "only child" or "2.5 child" of today.. Anyhow - obviously they didn't have much at all and what they did have, they stretched to the max.. I can tell you what every one of those kids got for Christmas every year until they were adults: socks; underwear; scarf & mittens (crocheted by their mom) and in their stockings, an orange and some walnuts.. That's it.. Every year.. (His parents also had both elderly, sick parents living with them at one time or another - until they passed on - so his mother had to attend to their daily physical needs as well..) His dad was a painter, so they really have to stretch things out to make ends meet.. As soon as the kids were old enough, they got jobs to help out with the family financial needs - also something that was not uncommon back then..

But the main point is, they all grew up wanting to do better - and they DID.. Being poor as a child does not necessarily equate into being poor as an adult.. Some have done better than others, but having lived poor they knew what they needed to do to not be poor as adults, with families of their own..

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There are kids who will get out and kids who will follow the cycle they're in. I highly doubt that gifts, once a year, are going to change that. You think these kids get handouts for their birthdays? No ... just for Christmas. Some kids have the motivation to break out and some don't.

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In DH's case, nothing for birthdays - until they grew up and left home..

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I work with teens who come from very little. I have seen many receive Christmas handouts and be so grateful for that that they go out and do better for themselves because they want to "return the favor". And I see other kids who want to get out of the poverty cycle so badly but cannot because they don't have the grades to get a scholarship and don't have the cash to pay for college. And I have seen some take one class a semester to get a degree because it's the only way they can manage to do it.

Again, it's completely up to you what you decide. But I don't think three sentences on a sheet of paper are necessarily going to give you the entire story on someone's life.

I guess when I do something like adopt a family or the Christmas Angel I don't stand in judgment of their situation or speculate on what they should be doing. If you don't feel comfortable, don't participate.

I'm just saying there are things we don't know regarding her situation and off hand I can speculate her employment options are likely not huge..right now the market sucks for most as it is .

Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions on how those kids got those things and don't be so quick to assume that just because a family has a gaming system that they have games. Or because they have a computer that they have internet service.

Also, don't jump to the conclusion that these computers and games came easily to these families. You don't know what a parent had to sacrifice or pawn to give a child a gift like that.

There are so many "you never knows" with these things. You're looking at names on a piece of paper and making assumptions about them based on what they ask for. You don't know their whole story. Them asking for a computer game or video game does NOT mean you have to buy it for them.

I myself was given both a computer and a gaming system when a relative upgraded - because they didn't know how to dispose of the old desk top computer and thought that perhaps I would enjoy the gaming system - or I could pass it on to my DGD.. Not everyone has the time or inclination to go through the trouble of selling these sorts of things, so they just pass them on to others..

I think they're asking for the games, not the systems. I could be wrong.

ETA - if they're asking for the systems, the whole "What does it hurt to ask" principle applies. You don't ask, you don't get. Why not take the chance? You never know ... someone might give it to you?

Also, you can buy used games at pawn shops and game stores for less. Especially if they're later editions of games (ie: NHL Hockey Y2K).

This thread makes me so sad especially since the gospel reading for today is the corporal works of mercy (feed the hungry, clothe the naked, etc). I am amazed at how very judgmental some posters appear. Oh, another corporal work of mercy is to visit those in prison---I bet that sets off a few posters!

OP--if you don't trust the organization screening the family find another. But truly, do any of us know how/why people find themselves in the position of needing help? Not everyone has the mental and physical abilities to get ahead. What is obvious to you may not be to someone with a substandard education and no positive role models.

OP says they are asking for games, not the systems.

ETA: It says that the children listed what they like to do for fun so I assume that is used as a suggestion on what to get the kids.

It is entirely possible that this family is now in need, but hasn't always been. They could have bought those gaming systems when they were able to afford to. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are buying them knowing they can't afford them and are "scamming" people for free games.

My opinion is this - I'm not a very religious person by I try to live by the golden rule. Do unto others as you have them do unto you. I personally would try my best to get what I could for these children and if they are scamming, so be it. It's on the mother's karma, not mine. I'm not saying the OP should do the same and I won't fault her for not doing it. That's just how I would handle the situation.

If you want to help with a kind and charitable heart, you should do so. If you want to feel all self-righteous and judgmental about helping, you should decline and do something else.

Harsh, but definitely straight to the point..

I agree. Kids want to fit in. I picked two girls from our adopt a family 13 and 15, the same ages as my own daughters and they wanted the same things my girls wanted. I wanted to try to get that from them So, you can get a lot of things on clearance. I bought 2 Hollister sweaters, 2 tank tops and 2 pants in the clearance section for $70. 2 complete outfits for two girls who just wanted to fit in.

A. You don't know how they got these systems. Why judge them because they own them.
B. Maybe these kids have been happy to make due with one game for each system? Maybe that's all they have. And maybe they're old games.
C. Maybe this is the only "toy" they have.

Again, people can ask for whatever they want but it doesn't mean they'll get it. Shoot for the moon and be happy if you only land among the stars, eh?

I'm not Christian, but I will say that I thought that the helping others was supposed to be part of Christian charity. As many have said, you have no idea what landed this family in this situation. Maybe this family was doing okay and the father died, or ran off. Maybe mom has never been anything but a stay at home and has no skills, or work experience. It is very likely the 18 year old is still in school, and not available to babysit. ...and you never know what the situation was behind the daughter having a child at age 12, but I can bet you that it wasn't a good one.

Even though I am not Christian I give to these organizations every year. I don't judge others situations by what is listed on a wish list. As others have said, kids just want to fit in. Doesn't anyone remember what it was like to be a kid and want to fit in with the other kids? I consider myself fortunate that we can afford to give our kids most of the things they want, so if I can make someone else's day a little brighter then I will. I try not to read into things or stand in judgement of others.

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I think people are missing a few key points here. First off..many many times the kids are encouraged to put down whatever their WISHES are. They don't often say "make sure it is under X amount" or that it is only for practical items or learning items. No they tell them to put their wishes out there..it does NOT mean you must buy what is put on the list by any means. Also these are children..do you think they are saying "well gee...socks and underwear are the practical things I need..I will ask for those". No they think "I really wish I had the same Wii game my friend at school has" so they ask for that.

When I donate food or toys or do an Angel Tree child I don't decide what they should or should not be asking for or speculate or assume that other things should be done based on little information. I look at their choices, if they exceed my budget I find something reasonable for their age group within my budget and buy it with a gift receipt. If they have it, they can return it. A wish list is just that..a wish...not a requirement or demand.

I'm Catholic..my faith teaches me to go and do for others..to help them if they need clothing or food or shelter. It doesn't teach me that they have to justify themselves, their needs or their situation before I consider helping them.

Of course people work the system..it happens but should a family in need be discounted based on assumptions and speculation that they shouldn't have things or Mom should be doing something else (and these assumptions being made based on nothing more than the blurb that came with the family information) or should they just get help?

The original Xbox and the PS2 are 11 year old systems at this point. It's entirely likely that they were able to get these systems for free from someone else who was buying themselves the Xbox 360 or the PS3 and didn't need their old system anymore.

Heck, you can't even find new games to purchase for these systems anymore, only used. Most of them are under $20.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't find it an unreasonable request.

My family was super broke and led by a single parent when I was growing up, but we had a Nintendo and an ancient Windows 3.1 computer. Why? Because my aunt and uncle were a little better off and gave us their Nintendo when they bought a Super Nintendo, and their old computer when they bought a new one. Now, my mom was far too proud to ever sign up for something like an angel tree, but I'm just saying, things are not always how they may appear at first glance.

All great posts! If a person can't give without worrying about, "Gee - am I getting scammed?" then please don't give socks, underwear, or cheap things that you wouldn't even give to your own children.. Pass on the opportunity entirely..

 

[TDC Nala]

generic lip gloss or for an A&F hoodie over a Hanes hoodie is a way for kids to "fit in" and be like everyone else.

Down to the type of lip gloss they use? If there's an allergy and the higher cost lip gloss is best for the allergy it's understandable. I'm not a kid but I suppose I understand why they would prefer a designer hoodie, but are kids really taking others down because of the type of lip gloss they use?

I've never seen the adopt a family things that require spending $200-300 per child but if they've got a whole organization putting in and not just an individual person, then maybe it's doable (kind of crazy for nine children though).

 

[2binak]

If a person can't give without worrying about, "Gee - am I getting scammed?" then please don't give socks, underwear, or cheap things that you wouldn't even give to your own children.. Pass on the opportunity entirely..

Growing up in the projects, we didn't have alot of money to spare so getting socks & underwear from our parents was a great gift. Heck, getting anything new was a great gift. Dh's parents were low income as well. They gave their kids socks & underwear too. We're now all in a good place financially but we still give our kids socks & underwear for Christmas. It's a tradition. Gifts shouldn't be about the cost.

From my experience growing up where I did, my belief is that if you're in such dire need of help that you need to reach out to an organization in order to give your family gifts at Christmas, you should be grateful for anything that you receive, no matter the cost.

 

[C.Ann]

Growing up in the projects, we didn't have alot of money to spare so getting socks & underwear from our parents was a great gift. Heck, getting anything new was a great gift. Dh's parents were low income as well. They gave their kids socks & underwear too. We're now all in a good place financially but we still give our kids socks & underwear for Christmas. It's a tradition. Gifts shouldn't be about the cost.

From my experience growing up where I did, my belief is that if you're in such dire need of help that you need to reach out to an organization in order to give your family gifts at Christmas, you should be grateful for anything that you receive, no matter the cost.

But maybe the socks and underwear are the one gift that the parent can afford to give..

My point is that I would not go into something like this giving cheap items that I would not even buy for my own children.. Kids want to fit in - and in order to avoid being labeled and picked on endlessly in school, it would be nice if they could at least have something that most other kids have.. If I were to give my own child a name brand $50 hoodie (or whatever), I would not turn around and buy a no-name hoodie at Ocean State job Lot for $2.99 for a child in need.. But - that's just me..

 

[gracie1]

Growing up in the projects, we didn't have alot of money to spare so getting socks & underwear from our parents was a great gift. Heck, getting anything new was a great gift. Dh's parents were low income as well. They gave their kids socks & underwear too. We're now all in a good place financially but we still give our kids socks & underwear for Christmas. It's a tradition. Gifts shouldn't be about the cost.

From my experience growing up where I did, my belief is that if you're in such dire need of help that you need to reach out to an organization in order to give your family gifts at Christmas, you should be grateful for anything that you receive, no matter the cost.

 

[ccgirl]

But maybe the socks and underwear are the one gift that the parent can afford to give..

My point is that I would not go into something like this giving cheap items that I would not even buy for my own children.. Kids want to fit in - and in order to avoid being labeled and picked on endlessly in school, it would be nice if they could at least have something that most other kids have.. If I were to give my own child a name brand $50 hoodie (or whatever), I would not turn around and buy a no-name hoodie at Ocean State job Lot for $2.99 for a child in need.. But - that's just me..

But, if the $3 sweatshirt from Ocean State Job Lot is all they can afford to give, the person on the receiving end should be grateful. I don't buy the expensive stuff for my kids just to fit in though. But, if I wanted to give my own child a $50 hoodie and someone else a $3 I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's not about the $$ amount.

 

[golfgal]

But maybe the socks and underwear are the one gift that the parent can afford to give..

My point is that I would not go into something like this giving cheap items that I would not even buy for my own children.. Kids want to fit in - and in order to avoid being labeled and picked on endlessly in school, it would be nice if they could at least have something that most other kids have.. If I were to give my own child a name brand $50 hoodie (or whatever), I would not turn around and buy a no-name hoodie at Ocean State job Lot for $2.99 for a child in need.. But - that's just me..

The problem is, the kids ask for all of these expensive gifts, most people CAN'T afford to pay for 9 Xbox games and whatever else for this family. Then what do you get them? You have no ideas after that and that is where the problem lies. Clothing, sure you can get some deals on Hollister and AE or whatever, not really that big of an issue since you can find something on clearance for under $20 usually--which is how we shop for our own kids too. When one family is essentially asking for over $1000 worth of gifts, it is greed that is driving that.

 

[tlbwriter]

Down to the type of lip gloss they use? If there's an allergy and the higher cost lip gloss is best for the allergy it's understandable. I'm not a kid but I suppose I understand why they would prefer a designer hoodie, but are kids really taking others down because of the type of lip gloss they use?

Yes, absolutely. When I was a teenager, being able to pull a Lip Smacker out of your pocket instead of generic brand made you feel like you fit in with everyone else. It doesn't mean other kids are going to mock your no name lip gloss, but it does mean that you can have one small thing that everyone else has.

 

[gracie1]

I guess I was different as a child, or maybe it's because my parents had no money, but pulling out chapstick vs lipsmackers was something I never even thought about My keds vs their nikes and reeboks and pumas never bothered me either.
Or it could be the upbringing. I was taught to be thankful for everything....and that when I received something it was the thought that counted.