Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[Chocolate Cake]

OP, how old are your stepchildren?

Anyway, I don't think its fair how some people are calling the husband things like a lazy jerk! Really? For being willing to take in his own kids??

Um, no. He is lazy because he refused to spend time with his kids. The OP had to BEG him to take over a bit with his own children. BEG him to shovel so she could chauffer him to work. He told her SHE had to make the two hour drive to pick up his two kids.

All so he could go to work and not contribute one dime to his household.

He also doesn't watch her child. Not even when she goes to the grocery store. That's HER child. She is to watch him.

Yeah. Lazy. And a bit weird too.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I refuse to go back and answer all the questions you have asked in red text in your last post. You could easily keep reading the thread and see that I have elaborated on every single thing you asked.

I took care of some of them for you. Hope I got them right?

ITA

I think they both had the time off when the DH was asked. He then found out he had to work.

Sounds like two pieces of information were given to the OP at, relatively anyway, the last minute. Considering she booked the time off six montgs ago, all communication breakdowns appear to be on him.

 

[kaytieeldr]

OP, how old are your stepchildren?

Anyway, I don't think its fair how some people are calling the husband things like a lazy jerk! Really? For being willing to take in his own kids?? Maybe he didn't "discuss" it with OP because to him it was no-brainer. His wife is off work, they are his kids and they need a place to stay = perfect! Guess he was wrong about that but, who would actually honestly decline to have their children over Christmas? I think more people would be calling him a jerk of a dad if he did that! Talk about a no-win situation. At least he erred on the side of his children.

Sorry you didn't get your down time, but I'm sure it also works both ways and there are times that you benefit when other people have the children.

Oh well hopefully you made it crystal clear to your husband and he won't make that mistake again.

Did you see where she wasn't off work the first week and had to (a) take all three children to work with her and (b) cancel some at-home appointments because she was responsible for the three children? Her husband didn't make a single adjustment to his schedule the entire two weeks.

 

[luvsJack]

This thread has gone all over the map.

Op I am the one that said something about the failure of second marriages. It was in response of a pp who was talking about step parents not being equal to a bio parent in any way. It wasn't about you at all.

I agree that you were taken advantage of plain and simple and there were other ways the bio parents should have handled this situation that did not require you sacrificing your vacation for her's.
It does sound like you were the only one being responsible and thinking of the kids. You shouldn't be punished for that.

I understand feeling attacked and I am sorry if I contributed to that. I have been there before.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I have explained the money situation already. The choice is to do things this way or have him live in a different town to continue the work he was doing. I am totally fine with picking up the slack. It is seriously a nonissue for me. I only brought it up because someone chastised me for complaining because he was going to work to "support me and my son". I am and always have been financially independent.

You weren't chastised for complaing AND you misrepresented the comment.

I was trying to be positive/supportive about his working toward the good of your family. (As opposed to not contributing.)

That must have been frustrating when you'd planned your time off in a different way.

The impression I get is that your husband and his ex-wife have a decent relationship. That's good for everybody. Hopefully it will benefit you some time, too. Give and take and all that.

That said, I think your husband should have been more available to you and the kids during that time. (And it sounds from the shovel comment that you have some frustrations with him about other things, too.)

OTOH, I presume your DH is working so hard because he's trying to do the right thing and support his family. (All of his family.) So that is admirable.

You two need to have a heart to heart, but I would keep in mind, that these are his kids, and just as important to him as the child that the two of you share, and you married him and had a child together knowing he had two kids already. This type of thing is going to happen from time to time.

It would have been helpful to have some of the details you shared later on, in your original post.

I also thought, the way the OP was worded, that you and your current husband are the bio parents of "your" child, but I realized later on, that he has a father who is not your husband. It did make a difference to how I interpreted the original story, and I would have responded differently at the end of the post. My bad.

I booked a glorious week off for myself after Christmas. I couldn't wait to have some alone time. I knew I'd have to take care of my own son but that he would be with his dad for some of the time. And he is a kid that would play all day by himself, if you let him.

Then, my husband volunteers to look after his kids for the entire two weeks of their Christmas vacation, even though it wasn't our turn, so their mom could go on vacation. Now I love my stepkids and they are here quite a bit. But he was working the entire time they were here, afternoons and weekends, leaving me to care for all three kids.

I know that there are worse things in the world and we did have fun but I'm feeling a little used. Mostly because when he would come home from work or before work, he wouldn't jump in to help with anything. I had to beg for him to contribute so I could get the smallest of breaks.

Feeling resentful this morning as I spent the last hour begging him to go out and shovel the drive so I could drive him to work.

I'm sure I'll feel better later....after I drive them the two hours home, by myself.

 

[hopemax]

I really don't care whose kids they are, if I've arranged for a break from my own kids I'd be rather angry to be volunteered as childcare for other kids. That has nothing to do with my feelings for any of the children involved and everything to do with the basic disrespect of demanding I give up scarce downtime for the sake of others' ease/relaxation.

ITA! This scenario could just as easily happen with bio kids, where maybe 2 of them are at an age where they are more of a "handful" than the third. Mom has been eagerly awaiting a week where those two are at Grandparents, but plans fall through. Husband doesn't respond to the fact that Mom's week is now radically different than was planned, by trying to take off as much off of her plate as he can manage, to try and give her a few hours of respite.

I don't have kids, but have been dealing with a major medical issue with my Mom, that has had me pretty taxed. There are things that DH has stepped up and started doing without me having to ask, simply because it gives me a few more minutes to "rest my brain." He's actively looking out for my mental well-being and I think any of us would hope our partners would do the same. Not make assumptions, and commitments on our behalf, and if there is no other choice, to try and make the situation a little easier as best they can. (no needing to be begged, to shovel snow)

But OP, needs to be communicating more with her DH and not on a MB. Since my Mom got sick, I've been acting a lot like a referee between my parents, and it's not fun...she expects my Dad to read her mind. He can't, but once he finds out what she needs, is more than willing to do it. If OP needs MORE from her DH, she needs to tell him, and not suffer like a martyr in silence.

 

[Dread Pirate]

If my husband ever complained that my children from my first marriage were coming to the house, we would have a serious problem. If I ever complain that his children from his first marriage come to the house, same problem. The kids are ours, which means the house is also theirs. If my kids are welcome here, his kids are welcome here, and vice versa.

I feel pity for the woman who started this thread since she doesn't consider her and her husband's home to be the home of his children, even if they are only there part time.

I used to have a neighbor who re-married. His new wife always talked about their family, and Brittany, his daughter from his first marriage. When new wife talked about family, she always mentioned Brittany separately since she didn't consider the little girl to be part of their family. Brittany knew that, even though she was only 7. She cried to me several times asking why Daddy and stepmom didn't want her in the family. That's what the OP reminds me of.

 

[aaarcher86]

I feel like people are going really off the reservation with some of these comments.

Totally get the OPs frustration with having a planned out time she was looking forward to totally turned upside down by her husband last minute. It just happened to be because of his kids - she hasn't acted like she has any problem with tv kids coming over in general at all. That just happened to be the unexpected wrench that got thrown into the mix.

And I do think he should have talked to her A) knowing her plans and B) with expecting her to have 2 kids she wasn't expecting, to take to work, etc... It's not a 'I'm going to the store' scenario or 'A and B are coming over today because they're mom has XYZ.' It's cancellous g plans, it's changing schedules, its a lot of work to drop on someone unexpectedly and I don't think it's unfair that OP feels annoyed that she's missing her planned week - she's not mad she is spending time with the kids clearly, IMO.

The parenting his kids and my kids issue is totally separate from the OP and her post. Definitely didn't get that vibe.

 

[Suvadoo]

Honestly? What does that have to do with what we are talking about? The things about my life that people are fixated on cause me to chuckle.

I didn't care how he was getting to work. He could take a taxi or a bus or get a ride with a coworker. A pretty minor detail.

It's easy enough for a grown man to find his own way. A little tricky for a woman towing three small children through the snow....uphill both ways.

Ok . I think your rant is valid. I would be very disappointed in anyone just assuming I would be a babysitter over my vacation. I know this is irrelevant, but how can you be travelling uphill bots ways?

 

[leebee]

If my husband ever complained that my children from my first marriage were coming to the house, we would have a serious problem. If I ever complain that his children from his first marriage come to the house, same problem. The kids are ours, which means the house is also theirs. If my kids are welcome here, his kids are welcome here, and vice versa.

I feel pity for the woman who started this thread since she doesn't consider her and her husband's home to be the home of his children, even if they are only there part time.

I used to have a neighbor who re-married. His new wife always talked about their family, and Brittany, his daughter from his first marriage. When new wife talked about family, she always mentioned Brittany separately since she didn't consider the little girl to be part of their family. Brittany knew that, even though she was only 7. She cried to me several times asking why Daddy and stepmom didn't want her in the family. That's what the OP reminds me of.

ANd now we have pretty much come full circle in this thread! Life is too short to bother to re-explain the situation.

OP, I, too, laughed when someone questioned you about why you don't have a car when you make so much money! The other comment in that post that made me shake my head was the one questioning if you were the only one who deserved time off since you make so much money and all. Honestly, the things people think/say make me wonder sometimes. Good luck- I think you got a crappy deal over your vacation time but it sounds like you and DH have a solid marriage and a solid family, and will work it out.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Ok . I think your rant is valid. I would be very disappointed in anyone just assuming I would be a babysitter over my vacation. I know this is irrelevant, but how can you be travelling uphill bots ways?

Old joke. When kids complain about how tough they have things, parent's response is something like, " Well, when I was your age I had to walk three miles to school everyday. In the snow. Uphill. Both ways. Barefoot."

 

[AriesAriel]

Wow a page an hour. The OP hit a hot button with some, huh?

As a former step mother (but divorced the manipulative, selfish butt) I can understand the OP's plight. Seems no matter how many times it is reworded people can't seem to understand that she just got dumped on to be a FREE BABYSITTER FOR THE EX-WIFE.

It would have been different if the dad was home with the kids - they are HIS responsibility first and foremost. It would have been nice if the bio-mother had taken her kids on vacation with her. Why is one mother taking a vacation ok, but the other (not biological, remember) is not?

Seriously, some people here have some major codependency issues here and they are completely clueless about it. Yes she married a man with kids. That doesn't mean that the biological mother should automatically get a free week-long babysitter just because dad remarried. ESPECIALLY since no one stopped to consider to take her opinion into account before deciding it.

If the dad wasn't re-married then what? He could have taken the kids but he would have had to figure out child care. Would he have paid for day care or a babysitter? Would he have expected the bio-mom to chip in? Why does a step parent just have to be ASSUMED to be a free babysitter? It's rude and inconsiderate to not at least have the conversation with his NOW WIFE.

And that doesn't even take into consideration that the dad didn't even help with his own children's child rearing. Even playing a video game with the kids to take them off her hands for an hour would have been "help". Giving them a bath? Putting them to bed? All that is just TOO MUCH to ask Dad to do?

SMH

 

[manning]

OP you took on the new husband as well as his children, there should be no conditions. You either accept this or you don't. I hope your husband does not see this thread.

Huh????

 

[manning]

Actually, their drama has everything to do with you. Your husband is afraid of making his ex upset. But he doesn't care if you are upset

He made you cancel a trip to see your family so his ex would not be upset. She got to go on with her travel plans. You did not. He chose her over you. He chose not to spend time with his kids. He chose to involve you in "their drama".

Oh yes. The drama involves you very much.

Dare I say, if he keeps that attitude he will have two ex's on his hand. One is more than enough.

 

[manning]

Wow a page an hour. The OP hit a hot button with some, huh?

As a former step mother (but divorced the manipulative, selfish butt) I can understand the OP's plight. Seems no matter how many times it is reworded people can't seem to understand that she just got dumped on to be a FREE BABYSITTER FOR THE EX-WIFE.

It would have been different if the dad was home with the kids - they are HIS responsibility first and foremost. It would have been nice if the bio-mother had taken her kids on vacation with her. Why is one mother taking a vacation ok, but the other (not biological, remember) is not?

Seriously, some people here have some major codependency issues here and they are completely clueless about it. Yes she married a man with kids. That doesn't mean that the biological mother should automatically get a free week-long babysitter just because dad remarried. ESPECIALLY since no one stopped to consider to take her opinion into account before deciding it.

If the dad wasn't re-married then what? He could have taken the kids but he would have had to figure out child care. Would he have paid for day care or a babysitter? Would he have expected the bio-mom to chip in? Why does a step parent just have to be ASSUMED to be a free babysitter? It's rude and inconsiderate to not at least have the conversation with his NOW WIFE.

And that doesn't even take into consideration that the dad didn't even help with his own children's child rearing. Even playing a video game with the kids to take them off her hands for an hour would have been "help". Giving them a bath? Putting them to bed? All that is just TOO MUCH to ask Dad to do?

SMH

To quote the line in My Fair Lady. " I think you got it." Well said.

 

[World Showcaser]

Thank you all for your comments. I really have nothing else to say. I answered a lot of questions that I personallly see as irrelevant and had a few laughs along the way. It's been a slice!

As for DH and I, we were able to have a great chat tonight. He expressed a lot of the assumptions that some people have made on this thread. But when we talked it through, he admitted that he was taking me for granted. Something I said made everything click tonight...because we have been talking about this for 2 weeks but not as directly. So thank you for helping me to articulate and more clearly explain how I was feeling.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP, that last update is good to read. I am glad you and your husband really talked this through and have reached an understanding.

From what I can tell (and I admit to skimming some pages) your husband really was being inconsiderate and springing a major change, that was made only for someone else's convenience, on you without asking and that is wrong.

I think that titling the thread as a rant about step kids and husband and focusing on the poor kids instead of on just that you were mad at your husband for being a jerk in this case is what derailed things (and, honestly, does seem to indicate not so pretty things about your feelings towards your stepkids). KWIM?

Honestly? What does that have to do with what we are talking about? The things about my life that people are fixated on cause me to chuckle.

I didn't care how he was getting to work. He could take a taxi or a bus or get a ride with a coworker. A pretty minor detail.

It's easy enough for a grown man to find his own way. A little tricky for a woman towing three small children through the snow....uphill both ways.

Honestly,I was with you on your DH being out of line right up until I read this. Reading this, it seems that BOTH of you tend to make plans that have a real effect on the other without consulting the other or warning them at all. I really do not see leaving someone without a car, which they normally use to get to work, without talking about it and agreeing on how to handle that (when the car is only being used for "fun" and not a medical emergency or something) is just as rude and inconsiderate as your husband assuming you would be happy to have all three kids instead of only your one around on the break.

It seems like maybe the two of you should really focus on thinking of one another and better communicating.

 

[aprilgail2]

He also doesn't watch her child. Not even when she goes to the grocery store. That's HER child. She is to watch him.

Yeah. Lazy. And a bit weird too.

That is really odd- so the husband is home yet she still brings the kid grocery shopping instead of letting them stay in their home- weird.

Honestly? What does that have to do with what we are talking about? The things about my life that people are fixated on cause me to chuckle.

I didn't care how he was getting to work. He could take a taxi or a bus or get a ride with a coworker. A pretty minor detail.

It's easy enough for a grown man to find his own way. A little tricky for a woman towing three small children through the snow....uphill both ways.

wow- so he works to "just pay child support and for his car insurance" yet you will take his car on a vacation not caring how he gets to work- I think you are both in need of some marriage counseling.

 

[Happy Snowman]

Ok . I think your rant is valid. I would be very disappointed in anyone just assuming I would be a babysitter over my vacation. I know this is irrelevant, but how can you be travelling uphill bots ways?

I agree. Her DH should have cleared it with her before he said yes. It doesn't matter if they are step-children or natural children, if you had made plans and your husband or wife committed to something, anything, that would have altered those plans, they should have consulted you first, period.

As for "uphill, both ways", easy, you start at the top of one hill, destination is at the top of another hill, so you go downhill then uphill on the way there, then downhill and uphill on the way back

 

[JanaDee]

Honestly? What does that have to do with what we are talking about? The things about my life that people are fixated on cause me to chuckle.

I didn't care how he was getting to work. He could take a taxi or a bus or get a ride with a coworker. A pretty minor detail.

It's easy enough for a grown man to find his own way. A little tricky for a woman towing three small children through the snow....uphill both ways.

So you seriously were going to leave your husband for a week with no transportation and you "didn't care"?

Really?