Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[ilovemk76]

But again, did OP's husband know this? Or, was he under the impression OP took the week off to sit her kid? And if she's sitting for one, why not a couple more?


Numerous red flags in OP's post, and her DH clearly could have done things better. But to be fair, it is only ONE side of the story.

ITA

I think they both had the time off when the DH was asked. He then found out he had to work.

So how was OP going out of town? If her husband can't take care of his own self she certainly can't go away.

That makes zero sense. If my plans were unimportant to me, why would I be complaining about them being altered? Was it the trip of lifetime? No. It was a week off when I planned to hop in the car and visit my family and sit around at home doing whatever I liked. I was certainly looking forward to it.

And again, it's not so much about how I ended up spending my time. It was fine. It was about my DH not consulting me and being ungrateful.

I agree, it was his responsibility to make alternate arrangements. I.e. Not take the kids for 2 weeks when he knew he wouldn't be around. But he didn't. That is the point.

How was DH getting to work with you taking the only car on vacation?

 

[World Showcaser]

I started reading the replies but then I thought they got too judgmental towards you so I stopped reading them.

Anyway, I took 2 weeks off from work during the holidays and told my family that no one was staying home from school/work! I really just spent most of the time getting xmas decorations up, xmas shopping, cleaning the house, etc. Not really any ME time. But just to have the house to myself for a few days was heavenly.

I don't blame you for complaining. I would have went back to work. It's more relaxing being at work than staying home taking care of kids. When you are a working mom you really look forward to those few hours at home alone.

Thank you for understanding. It sounds like you have an idea of what it's like to walk in my shoes. Thank you to each and every kind person who chimed in. I do love this community and have found feat support here today.

 

[World Showcaser]

How was DH getting to work with you taking the only car on vacation?

Honestly? What does that have to do with what we are talking about? The things about my life that people are fixated on cause me to chuckle.

I didn't care how he was getting to work. He could take a taxi or a bus or get a ride with a coworker. A pretty minor detail.

It's easy enough for a grown man to find his own way. A little tricky for a woman towing three small children through the snow....uphill both ways.

 

[lisaviolet]

Did you really get asked "why don't you have a car with all the money you make?"

You did.

Priceless.

 

[Miskey]

For the sake of clarity, are you saying that I should be on call as a stepmom for whenever their mother decides she wants to vacation without them at a moment's notice? Can you please explain why this would be true? Some of these attempts to argue just for the sake of argument are hilarious. By the way, how old are you stepchildren?

ETA: And why would I be on call but their own parents are not?

My oldest step child is 33, and I have been her step mother since she was 6.

ALL of you should be "on call" 24/7.

For the sake of clarity.... The post you quoted was not direct at you, it was at the poster I quoted. I didn't care for the implication that being a mother makes you a servant.

Meh. Even moms need a break. I do not have step children, but I plan a few getaways with my friends every year.

I have a girls trip every summer, and I'm thankful no problems have arisen during that time that prevented me from going, but I still consider myself to be "on call"

 

[World Showcaser]

Did you really get asked "why don't you have a car with all the money you make?"

You did.

Priceless.

Is that what they were asking me? Hahaha!

 

[Chocolate Cake]

M

I have a girls trip every summer, and I'm thankful no problems have arisen during that time that prevented me from going, but I still consider myself to be "on call"

I can absolutely promise you that my husband's ex wife wanting to go on vacation would not be one of the problems keeping me from MY vacation.

And then to have the husband refuse to help me with his own children?

Um, no. Wouldn't fly.

 

[Nancyg56]

I cannot even begin how very very very very strongly I disagree with this above post. OMG.... I don't care if these were actually HER kids.. (and not step-kids) Just because one is a wife and mother does not mean that you are a servant, on call, 24/7. Being born with a female body part does not mean that you are a 24/7 life-long servant... and it is ASSUMED that you are always there to care-for and to do-for the males and the children. And, whether one wants to be a 'hater' and flame this woman because they are not their kids... or not... The fact remains that these kids have TWO biological parents who simply assumed that she would take the time off and give up her break so THEY wouldn't have to. Unbelievable that there are still women, who are not in some third-world country, who not only adhere to this mind-set, but would openly hate and judge any who do not. OP, you need to talk with your husband. You need to start to establish a new status-quo and more healthy respect and boundaries... Shared responsibility... Breaks for you... etc. Again, HUGS!!!!

This is exactly what I think. I do not believe or one minute the frustration was because the OP had her stepchildren on her "vacation" week. I do think it was because her husband decided that consulting her about changing her plans was not important. He determined that she would simply be available to care for kids and never took the time to ask her if this would work with her plans. I would be pretty peeved too. Not about the kids, but that her husband was so disrespectful to me that he made plans for me without even discussing them with me.

 

[World Showcaser]

Well obviously, I am not impressed with my DH. However, I really felt for my stepchildren and didn't want to create drama. Would I do things differently next time? Absolutely!

 

[lisaviolet]

Is that what they were asking me? Hahaha!

Not that one.

Asked directly. Inside quotes so I couldn't/didn't post it.

I don't know why it hit me hard, with everything on here, but I was crying laughing when I read it.

Oh man. Life.

 

[Nancyg56]

I find the attitude, that all of the children in the family shouldn't be welcomed unconditionally, to be absolutely repulsive.

I really do not think this complaint was about the kids. Yes, they seemed to be the focus, but I bet the OP was really upset that her husband did not think twice about changing HER plans. I love my DGD, I really do. I would walk through fire for her, and she is welcomed here anytime. I have he room ready at all times, decorated for eery season change. However, if I make plans for myself, and DH decided that he would take her for a week so DD and DSIl could vacation, I would be upset. Not with my DGD, not with my DD, but with my DH. At this point, the problem would not be my DGD staying with us, or if I welcomed her, I would. It would be that DH volunteered me when I had already made plans. And he would know I was irritated....with him....not my DGD.

 

[lisaviolet]

Well obviously, I am not impressed with my DH. However, I really felt for my stepchildren and didn't want to create drama. Would I do things differently next time? Absolutely!

Don't we all have those moments. Live and learn. Or at least try.

 

[World Showcaser]

Don't we all have those moments. Live and learn. Or at least try.

Well the healthy among us do. Some have it all figured all it already!

 

[lisaviolet]

This is exactly what I think. I do not believe or one minute the frustration was because the OP had her stepchildren on her "vacation" week. I do think it was because her husband decided that consulting her about changing her plans was not important. He determined that she would simply be available to care for kids and never took the time to ask her if this would work with her plans. I would be pretty peeved too. Not about the kids, but that her husband was so disrespectful to me that he made plans for me without even discussing them with me.

Exactly.

We've all had that moment where we were not communicated with about an important change of plans. It's frustrating and makes a person feel like they don't matter to the other or their plans/choices don't matter. We've all been there.

 

[donac]

I too would be upset with dh and I can understand how you would feel cheated. Many years ago dh had spring break before Easter and I had it after. Just as dh was heading to work we start to get ds1 dressed for preschool and we find out he has chicken pox. I was nurse maid for the entire break so I understand how you feel.

 

[Owlpost23]

Would I do things differently next time? I'll be you won't come on the Community Board and get skewered for asking a fairly simple question.Poor gal-I feel for you.

 

[Skywalker]

OP, how old are your stepchildren?

Anyway, I don't think its fair how some people are calling the husband things like a lazy jerk! Really? For being willing to take in his own kids?? Maybe he didn't "discuss" it with OP because to him it was no-brainer. His wife is off work, they are his kids and they need a place to stay = perfect! Guess he was wrong about that but, who would actually honestly decline to have their children over Christmas? I think more people would be calling him a jerk of a dad if he did that! Talk about a no-win situation. At least he erred on the side of his children.

Sorry you didn't get your down time, but I'm sure it also works both ways and there are times that you benefit when other people have the children.

Oh well hopefully you made it crystal clear to your husband and he won't make that mistake again.

 

[mom2rtk]

Honestly? What does that have to do with what we are talking about? The things about my life that people are fixated on cause me to chuckle.

I didn't care how he was getting to work. He could take a taxi or a bus or get a ride with a coworker. A pretty minor detail.

It's easy enough for a grown man to find his own way. A little tricky for a woman towing three small children through the snow....uphill both ways.

Huh?

I was back and forth on this thread all day.

But you seriously lost me there. What an odd response.

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

OP, how old are your stepchildren?

Anyway, I don't think its fair how some people are calling the husband things like a lazy jerk! Really? For being willing to take in his own kids?? Maybe he didn't "discuss" it with OP because to him it was no-brainer. His wife is off work, they are his kids and they need a place to stay = perfect! Guess he was wrong about that but, who would actually honestly decline to have their children over Christmas? I think more people would be calling him a jerk of a dad if he did that! Talk about a no-win situation. At least he erred on the side of his children.

Sorry you didn't get your down time, but I'm sure it also works both ways and there are times that you benefit when other people have the children.

Oh well hopefully you made it crystal clear to your husband and he won't make that mistake again.

The man not only worked the entire time the kids were there (including weekends), but he also did not help with their care before he went to work and after he came home. It appears he spent no time with them at all, while his wife gave up her alone time just so the ex-wife could go on vacation and not be bothered by taking HER OWN KIDS with her. So really, how was he "willing to take his own kids"? It was more like he was willing to have his wife watch his kids so he could go to work and the kids' bio mom could vacation. He's no hero in my eyes.

 

[kaytieeldr]

7. I would never ever ever leave my son with my DH without asking him first and it has rarely ever happened that he has been alone with him. I wouldn't leave him with his own dad for that matter without making arrangements ahead of time. My DH is not responsible for my son's childcare. His parents are. And do parents really get to go to the grocery store alone?

You never say, "DH, I am running to the grocery store, can you want MY son?" Really!!!! That is what married people do. You seem to have two families that have adults with benefits.

Yes, she does say that. You quoted her. As well, seemingly he declines based on her asking if parents go to the grocery store alone.

8. My son and his children spend equal amounts of time in our home. Their mother lets them spend every holiday with us because she wants the time to herself. And I am quite happy about having them for those special times and have never complained. I am complaining, not about the holiday, but about all the time surrounding the holidays. We are supposed to share these times, which I think is important for the kids to have time with each family. We had them the entire summer minus a week and a half. So we have them plenty when it is not "our turn" but when you are coparenting from different cities, you do have to take turns. In fact, it's the law here.

This is dictated by the custody order. Custody orders can be altered if both parents agree.

Clearly the custody order says one thing - 12/24-12/26 - while the mother says another (two full weeks) and the father concedes, both with zero consideration for the OP's plans.

9. The kids and I had fun but they didn't understand why they couldn't spend some time with their mom and commented many times about how they hardly got to see their dad.

I feel sorry for these kids.

Understandable, since they apparently have two biological parents who don't put the children first.

11. My husband works to pay child support and his car insurance payment. None of his money supports me, my child or him for that matter. I have a great job and make loads more money. I'm not sure why this is relevant to some people but there you go. And it's not admirable of him to pay child support. It's his responsibility.

So you have the yours and my kids and the yours and my money. Where is the marriage?

Yup. Legally and biologically, the children are hers or his. Not theirs. She's explained why income is applied the way it is. I don't knowof any two marriages that are identical - so their marriageis n their hearts and their lives.

12. This is mostly not about me taking care of my stepkids or loving them or any of those things. My issue is about disrespect and ungratitude from my DH.

This seems to be a two way street!

Seems like it should be, but it doesn't appear the husband ismaking the best use of his side of the street.

13. I firmly believe I deserve to have time off to myself once a year. I work very hard at my job and at being a wonderful mother, stepmother and wife.

Does your DH also deserve this or only you because you so out earn him.

She deserves it because she's worked for it and she planned for it. Six months ago. Unlikely she sprung it on her husband last week. Nobody says he doesn't deserve a week or two off. He clearly didn't plan to take said time off when he'd have his children.

14. I am not complaining about them being in my home. I am complaining about the expectation that I watch them alone 24/7 for 2 weeks, without a car, to make matters worse.

Why do you not have a car with all the money that you make?

Doesn't need one? Doesn't want one? It's in the shop?

Thank you to those who made an attempt to sympathize or empathize. Your comments were really helpful to me. And you are right about me needing to create more boundaries. I need to start standing up for myself more and stop being used...by both of their parents.

I am shocked at the overt sexism in this thread, and a lot of it has come from women. I guarentee if I was a man the responses would be different.

Not from me. If your DH was off and you had to work, I would expect him to do the childcare, laundry and cooking while you were at work. BTW that is how DH and I do things. We each have one job that we hate and the other person does not mind. Even that job, we would do if the need arose. DH did most of the cooking on his days off this holiday.

It sounds as if the husband doesn't like - or outright refuses - to do any household chores.