Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[JanaDee]

All I can figure is that whereve you live cars are mighty important because many of you seem obsessed with that detail. Where I live there are lots of people who don't own cars and there are many ways to get around with out on. My husband takes the car every day and doesn't ask me how I'm going to get around because it's a nonissue. Are we the only people who walk anywhere on here? I have two feet and a heart beat. There are cabs everywhere. There are buses. Yes, if I wanted to go away and take the car, it would be an absolute nonissue with my husband. I just asked him about it and told him your comments and he literally laughed out loud to think that some of you would sit and arrange transportation for your grown partner.

The closest store to me is 5 miles away, on a rural highway. The closest Target/Walmart, etc is 15 miles away, again on a rural highway. On days like today, where the temp is -15 and windchill close to -35, I'm not all that interesting in walking. Having a car where I live is an absolute must.

There is no public transportation, no public buses, no taxis, trains, etc. You drive, or you don't go.

 

[NewRVLady]

You are all going to love this. Dropped kids off to find out the the kids' mother didn't go anywhere. She was at home the entire time. According to her partner, there never was a vacation. She told DH she needed us to watch them because she was going away on vacation.

That makes me a little sad because they were asking why they couldn't spend any of their break with her and I kept telling them that mommy was away on a much needed vacation. Apparently she was sitting at home and just didn't want them there.

She could have been honest.

This is just beyond sad
I cant imagine being away from my kids when they were little for 2 weeks-esp at Christmas

 

[piccolopat]

Also, as for the grocery store thing, must also be a cultural thing. Children are very much welcome in grocery stores around here. We go to the grocery store almost every day.

For many people in the U.S., we grocery shop for the entire week or longer. This is different than many places in Europe where people stop into a store to pick up what they need for that day's dinner. Also, in the U.S. suburbs it is almost impossible to do anything without a car. My husband has to drive me 5 miles to get to the train station so I can get to work in the city, almost 60 miles away. The grocery store I shop in is a 15 minute drive. That's different than a lot of people do in other parts of the world.

Good luck with your DH. It really sounded to me like mostly an issue of communication and respect (though probably not intentional disrespect - he sounds clueless to me). I think he was wrong for expecting you to drop all of your plans to care for his kids without clearing it with you first. This wasn't a case where his ex had some sort of emergency to deal with at the last minute and that's why you had to watch his kids If it were, I suspect you never would have posted here at all. Have a fabulous New Year!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I have to admit I only read the first page and the last, but one question came to mind: what was her husband going to do if she didn't have off from work that week? Would he have taken off? Would he have said no to the mother? What if she was called into work? I think it was rude and selfish of the husband. If he wanted to spend time with his kids, he should have taken the time off to actually be with them. Otherwise I don't see why we are making the stepmom the villain. If I choose to take time off for me, then it's for me, not for everyone else to decide how I will spend it. Otherwise, I'd just rather go to work.

 

[SC Minnie]

I have to admit I only read the first page and the last, but one question came to mind: what was her husband going to do if she didn't have off from work that week? Would he have taken off? Would he have said no to the mother? What if she was called into work? I think it was rude and selfish of the husband. If he wanted to spend time with his kids, he should have taken the time off to actually be with them. Otherwise I don't see why we are making the stepmom the villain. If I choose to take time off for me, then it's for me, not for everyone else to decide how I will spend it. Otherwise, I'd just rather go to work.

Exactly. The OP didn't say she didn't love or care for her stepsons. She said she had planned to have a week to herself, do things she wanted to do, or to do nothing at all. Her husband made other plans for her without asking. That would tick me off, especially when he was going to be gone most of the time and not helping out when he was home. We would have a serious come to Jesus meeting about that not happening again.

When DD was home and in school and DH was working I have been known to take a vacation day or two to do nothing, at home, alone. And I will admit there were a couple of those days I took that DH and DD didn't know about until that morning so they couldn't come up with errands for me.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'd also like to add one other thing. I was a child of divorce. I loved when my father picked me up, which was a rare occasion. But I absolutely HATED when he would then dump me at his house with his second wife and my half-siblings and disappear. I would have rather stayed home, in my own surroundings. And if that weren't a possibility, I would have rather have stayed with one of my grandmothers, not with my father's second wife, who BTW, was NEVER any sort of "mother" -- step or otherwise, to me. She didn't want to be, and I certainly didn't want her to be. I had a mother. I didn't need another one.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

Wow, 17 pages, apparently stepparenting is a hot topic.

OP, sorry your need to vent a bit turned into a runaway train. It sounds like you have all your priorities in order, and your step kids are loved and well cared for by you. You've been crucified by the DIS media, but isn't it always easy to judge from behind a computer screen, when presented with something's you know less than 1% about?
OP, I hope you get some "you" time soon, to relax and do nothing more than sit around the house alone.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I feel pity for the woman who started this thread since she doesn't consider her and her husband's home to be the home of his children, even if they are only there part time.

Are you reading the same thread? The OP spent more time with her step-children than their own father. She had to beg him to spend time with his own kids. She took her step children to work with her. She cancelled her vacation. She tended to the kids 100%.

Her husband is the one that seems to not want to be with his own children. Their bio mom certainly doesn't want to be with them, since she lied about going away.

The OP (the step mom) is the only one that seems to care about these kids.

Her husband would make me sick to look at. No real man should have to be pleaded with to spend time with his children.

 

[leebee]

I have to admit I only read the first page and the last, but one question came to mind: what was her husband going to do if she didn't have off from work that week? Would he have taken off? Would he have said no to the mother? What if she was called into work? I think it was rude and selfish of the husband. If he wanted to spend time with his kids, he should have taken the time off to actually be with them. Otherwise I don't see why we are making the stepmom the villain. If I choose to take time off for me, then it's for me, not for everyone else to decide how I will spend it. Otherwise, I'd just rather go to work.

She didn't have the whole time off; she took the kids to work with her on the days she hadn't taken as vacation days. I guess her DH is just lucky that she has the type of job where taking children to work on multiple days isn't a problem. It sure wouldn't fly where I work!. And now she finds out that not only did she cancel her vacation so the bio-mom could go on vacation, but the bio-mom didn't actually go ANYWHERE- she just stayed home, without kids, the whole time. I don't blame the OP for being annoyed here!

 

[lisaviolet]

Are we the only people who walk anywhere on here? I have two feet and a heart beat. There are cabs everywhere. There are buses.
.

Just in case you wanted an answer - no.

Even avoid paying for the streetcar if I feel like the walk is doable. In high traffic times I actually beat the streetcar. The car sits here a lot.

You are all going to love this. Dropped kids off to find out the the kids' mother didn't go anywhere. She was at home the entire time. According to her partner, there never was a vacation. She told DH she needed us to watch them because she was going away on vacation.

That makes me a little sad because they were asking why they couldn't spend any of their break with her and I kept telling them that mommy was away on a much needed vacation. Apparently she was sitting at home and just didn't want them there.

She could have been honest.

Holy crap.

 

[HM]

I'm just floored by the fact that the mom didn't go anywhere. How did you keep it together when she told you at drop-off?

She owes you big-time.

 

[maxiesmom]

I have to admit I only read the first page and the last, but one question came to mind: what was her husband going to do if she didn't have off from work that week? Would he have taken off? Would he have said no to the mother? What if she was called into work? I think it was rude and selfish of the husband. If he wanted to spend time with his kids, he should have taken the time off to actually be with them. Otherwise I don't see why we are making the stepmom the villain. If I choose to take time off for me, then it's for me, not for everyone else to decide how I will spend it. Otherwise, I'd just rather go to work.

This exactly! Sounds like hubby wanted the "fun" of having the kids around, but didn't want to have to work for it himself.

And then to show up at the kids mom's house, and find out she lied and was home the whole time? I'd be beyond angry.

 

[mommasita]

I think what you tried to do was explain with the step thing, not put one child ahead of the other, just let us know who is who so we understand it, but so many took it and ran with their own tangents..

Most complain there isn't enough "explaining" in a post, so they don't understand who is who..

To me when someone puts "vent" or "rant" it is just that... a vent.. It may be a worse day or time than normal, so I try not to judge.. You seem very justified to me, and I am glad you spoke about it, so DH can think about himself.. NObody is perfect, and hopefully this won't come to be again.

I got the boxing day, so pretty sure you are Canadian.. We don't have just one car, but if we did, I know my husband could make his why fine, I wouldn't rake you over the coals for that either. To be cooped up in a Canadian winter for a few days with children or not, never mind 2 weeks is very long, so a car would definitely come in handy to do things.

Sure hope you are not stuck in the ice storm we have... Blessings to you for what you did, you can look in the mirror and know you made a difference to those children.. Sad for the Mom

 

[Andtototoo]

Poor kids. They have a mother who lies that she is going on vacation to get rid of them and a father who agrees to take them but dumps them on his second wife, who not only has to take them to her work so she can watch them, but also has to beg for him to pay the kids some attention.

OP -- You have every right to vent. Every right. But you are probably the single best adult in their lives.

 

[pkelly6]

OP: Big hugs.

I think I would have felt very similarly. How dare someone step on my time without consulting me!

I found it funny that people went in all different directions with your vent, and I wondered how many commenters had walked in your shoes and how many were simply projecting what they believed they would do/how they would feel.

I used to have a rose colored idea of what a blended family should be. All sunshine and roses. All parents working in complete harmony. I imagined certainties and well defined roles. Then I had one.

The cookie cutter approach to family dynamics does not exist, and those that think it does are delusional. Our differences are what makes us most interesting. And good or bad, is also what makes some of these threads so exasperating to read!

So glad you've had time to discuss things with your husband and that he is able to see your perspective.

 

[sharbear]

OP, oh my, good for you. Dealing with everything people have thrown at you over this. This is why I don't post here very much anymore.

I wanted you to know that you are a good woman. For not getting to see your family when you wanted to. To watch the kids that you love and now you have to go back to work, not rested.

Yea, you have the right to be annoyed. At everyone, your DH and the ex.

Mostly, I hope you can feel sad at a mom who would foist her children on someone else over their Christmas holiday. When they so clearly wanted to spend that time with her.

 

[Bluestars]

Mostly, I hope you can feel sad at a mom who would foist her children on someone else over their Christmas holiday. When they so clearly wanted to spend that time with her.

That's what I was thinking too. What kind of mother schedules a vacation without her children during the time she gets to have them?

ETA - I just read that the mother never went on vacation. That's even worse.

 

[okeydokey]

I know it's frustrating, but OP you are creating and maintaining a positive, loving relationship with your children. They will not forget this.

 

[NFLDERS]

Oh for goodness sake. I wasn't planning on taking the car without discussing it. He knew I was taking the car, like I always do when I go out of town and he does when he goes out of town. It is very easy for both of us to get to work. And it's not an issue. If we never left town, we probably wouldn't even own a car.

I answered flippantly because, as indicated, it seemed like a question that had nothing to do with anything. And it does have absolutely nothing to do with the topic.

I read it, and interpreted it that way the first time, and understood it exactly the same way (again) as you've explained it in this post.

 

[NFLDERS]

After reading along with this whole thread I think maybe the OP is using rethoric that's harsher than the actual situation calls for because she's become defensive about the replies she's getting. There's been more than one time she's posted to clarify something that has been "read wrong" by somebody who comments on it. In a calmer frame of mind "I don't care" would have maybe been worded more accurately as "He will make other transportation arrangements that week and we're both fine with that."

FWIW, an excellent illustration of this point is the comment you made up-thread about the title itself, which being so aggressive (and ultimately a little inaccurate) was what lead down all the rabbit-trails that got the OP defensive in the first place.

Exactly! I'd like to add in the OP's thread title, and post; my interpretation of "step" over say my husband's kids or children was owning them as their "stepmother". She also referred to her love for them. Just saying..