Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[Laura66]

Can you please show me where I implied this?

I am referring to the OP.

 

[SirDuff]

LOL. Nice try.

Back up your original statement with a quote... if you can't, it's a false statement.

Here you go (bolding is mine).

You did, in fact, state that there are situations where stepparents supervise their stepchildren but are not able to discipline them. You didn't say that parents ask for this. You said that you work with MANY families were it actually occurs.

I work with many families in which SPs have to watch their stepchildren and are not allowed to discipline. Many times their parents think the step is too harsh on their child or not objective.

In addition, lots of kids play the 2 households against each other... "mom doesn't make me go to bed so early" or "Dad lets me eat junk all weekend".

I'm not saying that a SP should not have the ability to discipline, just that it's not so cut and dried, and sometimes can be a very sensitive issue.

Just because a SP is not equal to a Parent does not mean they are not a loving and caring person in that child's life.

 

[World Showcaser]

Ok, so a lot of what I'm about to answer seems irrelvant to the issue at hand.

And I'm not getting into discipline, etc. They are off topic and we have no problem with those issues.

It's also important to know that I love my husband. I don't think he's terrible in general. He is not a control freak or any of the other things people have said. We are just having a disagreement about this issue and see things differently. We will work through it. (And for the person who said second marriages don't work, what the heck does that have to do with anything?)

OP you took on the new husband as well as his children, there should be no conditions. You either accept this or you don't. I hope your husband does not see this thread.

First of all, he's not my new husband. We have been together for years since our children were really young. I have no idea how you have inferred from what I said that I don't accept my stepchildren. So I will just assume you are a pot stirrer and ignore you from now on.

If that's true your husband needs to go back to court. I have never heard of anyone having to pay their entire salary on child support.

He had a much higher paying job from the time of the divorce until very recently. Therefore, he has a higher earning potential than he currently makes. Therefore, he has to continue paying what he would be if he hadn't chosen to change careers. I have no issue with this. We have lots of money and I want the kids to receive as much money as possible. Also, we don't live in the USA.

I wonder if she discussed with her husband that she was taking the week off and he would be responsible for everything?

Of course I did! I booked my week off before June 30, 2014. But he wasn't responsible for anything, other than himself. I'm not sure what you mean. When my son wasn't with me, he was to be with his father not my DH.

Actually, their drama has everything to do with you. Your husband is afraid of making his ex upset. But he doesn't care if you are upset .

Sorry, I don't think I was clear. I meant that the reasons that they don't like each other and the arguments they want to have between each other has nothing to do with me. I refuse to be part of that.

Did OP tell her husband that she was planning to go out of town for a few days? Somehow I think not or her husband may not have said yes to his ex. Or he would have made other work arrangements or something. I have a feeling that she just told him she was taking the time off and he assumed she was staying home since she didn't state otherwise.

Why would you assume that? My husband was well aware of my plans, months in advance. And even if he wasn't, it is still common courtesy to ask someone before you volunteer them to do something.

BUT these are his children and it's a shame for them that when they are at your house they are "visiting" and an "inconvenience." It would be so much better for everyone if they were family.

I didn't say either of these things. You are perhaps confusing me with a different poster?

Did your husband actually tell you that he wanted the kids because he didn't want to make his ex mad or did you assume it?

Did his work plans change at the last minute? Does that happen often?

Are you saying that none of the money he makes goes towards supporting the family?

I would have a huge issue with all of these things. If he agreed to take the kids only because he didn't want to make his ex mad and not because he wanted to spend the holidays with them, then that's messed up. I assumed he wanted the kids.

Wow...so many assumptions. First, my DH very much wanted to spend time with his kids. Nobody is questioning that. But yes, he did tell me that he agreed to the extended stay because he didn't want to make his ex mad.

The money he makes does go toward supporting our family. It goes directly to my two stepdaughters.

And yes, his work situation changed in September. In the summer, I'm sure he thought he would be able to take care of them during Christmas. He knew since September that would no longer be the case. However, it was the day before I went to get them that plans were finalized. The plans never involved me caring for them until that moment.

Did I read that you don't have a car in a post?

How do you get to work or drive any of the kids anywhere? (If I'm misreading a post my apologies and the above statement does not apply)

Boy I've been married for over 26 years and just in the past few have been able to take a vacation (long weekend) here and there with just me and my girlfriends. When you have little ones and throw in a divorce and step kids - well I don't care how deserving you or anyone else is - sometimes a vacation alone just isn't in the cards.

I feel very sad for you that you have no time to yourself. That is, however, your choice, not mine. I don't have to jusitify that.

Why you need to know our car situation is kind of odd?! But ok... We have one car that we share. My office is a 15 minute walk away and my son's bus stop is 2 minutes away so I rarely ever need the car. However, I also usually am not entertaining 3 kids all day every day.

 

[SirDuff]

I am referring to the OP.

Okay. Since you quoted me (and used "you"), I assumed you were referring to me (and was confused).

 

[amjb]

Here you go (bolding is mine).

You did, in fact, state that there are situations where stepparents supervise their stepchildren but are not able to discipline them. You didn't say that parents ask for this. You said that you work with MANY families were it actually occurs.

I think you are confusing the posts.

The false statement I was claiming was made by a different poster - Kellykins1218

And the statement was that someone said the children are not welcome to be in the home. I believe she was reading into what another poster had written.

I do work with many families where the SP watches the kids and doesn't have the ability to effectively discipline. The other parent undermines their ability to do so by telling the kids that they don't need to do what SP says.
"You're not my mom"... and so on.

Poor word choice on my part to say "have" to watch the children, but to be clear, I never said it was in a custody agreement or that the ex agreed to have the SP watch the kids.

 

[CF'er]

Since he knew months in advance what your plans were how was he then allowed to change them last minute? Since he was the one who had planned to keep them and then HIS work hours changed why wasn't he the one to find alternate arrangements? Your plans couldn't have been that important to you or they were less important than you let on if they were that easily changed.

 

[World Showcaser]

If he has a long history of not being responsible for anything - contributing to the family, never wanting the ex to be upset (so you say), shoveling the driveway - and all the other things the OP lists - then I don't see why she is even surprised he sprung this on her last minute.

He's the father and the kids should be welcome anytime in their home. If I had such an important trip planned for my much "deserved" time off I would have made arrangements for something like this to happen and arranged child care options. Sounds like the husband and the ex-wife are both lazy and irresponsible and since you're implying that this is the "norm" you knew this going into the marriage. Yes they are your step children - but you should still love them enough to know it's not their fault and made arrangements to have them cared for when you're not home.

So, I should hire a nanny and have them live at my house just in case my step children's parents decide to drop them off to me and I'm away on vacation? That is ridiculous. Their childcare arrangements are not my responsibility. I will gladly offer childcare when asked and when I am available but it is not up to me to arrange it.

My DH and his ex are not lazy. They often take things for granted but they both work very hard.

And of course it's not the children's fault! I'm not sure how I could be accused of even implying that. You might notice that I dropped my plans instantly to care for them because, as you say, their parents decisions where not their fault!

 

[nugov2]

I've never said a judge agrees to no SP discipline... I hear it argued for by the parents.

Some of the arguments are nuts! Stop by your local court house some day and check it out.

I've have seen a mom argue that kids can have all the snacks they want and SM can't say no. She even sent a bag of junk with the kid for the visit (obese child, mom feels it's "mean" to make them eat the meals they serve at the other house).

I agree a judge would be a moron to rule for that...

But I think you are misunderstanding me.

The ex is NOT agreeing that the SP can watch the child, hence the ROFR - which means, the child has to be brought back to the other parent if the parent is not present during parenting time. So no need to discipline because the kid cannot be alone with the SP.

My point is basically you can't assume you have 2 parents on the same page... often they are in conflict, still harbor hatred and resentment from the divorce. Unfortunately the kids and the new spouses get caught in the crossfire.

The best thing a SP can do in a situation like that is to step out of the way.

Yes, you did say that here:

I work with many families in which SPs have to watch their stepchildren and are not allowed to discipline. Many times their parents think the step is too harsh on their child or not objective.

You state there you work with many families where the SP isn't allowed(and the only way that is possible is by a court agreement) otherwise the SP is free to do as he or she chooses on discipline within the guidelines of the law no matter what the other parent feels. So maybe you meant to say you work with many families where that is what the want not what is happening. I want lots of things in life, that doesn't make them a reality.


You are changing your tune from what you originally posted. Your first statement on this subject and what you just posted are two totally different things. The mom/dad can argue whatever they want, doesn't mean they will get it. I don't disagree that there are people who are too emotional/don't have common sense to see what is right and argue all kinds of crazy thing in court. I don't need to sit in court to know that and I don't dispute that. I was disagreeing with your first statement that you made and also the fact that you were stating that the parent by allowing the SP to have responsibility of the the SC alone without the bio parent there was not choosing that in the way you are a coach. IMO that is exactly what they are doing when agreeing to it otherwise they can set an agreement that doesn't allow that and then when mom or dad isn't there neither is the child and there is no issue of the SP having to discipline them.

 

[amjb]

OP, it's very clear to me this was just a rant and you just wanted to express some frustration.

You welcomed and took care of your step kids even though it was not what you planned for your vacation time.

 

[NFLDERS]

Ridiculous.

Her step kids have two parents, she's not required to be MORE responsible for them than they are.

Mom was able to take vacation and enjoy it, while dad offloaded the child care to OP. And you call her selfish? If Dad wanted more time with his kids, it's his job to ensure they are cared for. Aldo, you are making a big assumption that he doesn't have a lot if parenting time. He could have 50/50 for all you know.

She obviously knows what sharing parental time is like as she has a child she shares with her ex.

At minimum the OPs husband should have let her decide if she wanted to use her vacation time this way. Sounds like he's more interested in placating his ex than being respectful to his wife.

This exactly!

OP you are validated by what I read, and deserve to be upset. Just set some ground rules for a next time so you will not be "used".

 

[World Showcaser]

Since he knew months in advance what your plans were how was he then allowed to change them last minute? Since he was the one who had planned to keep them and then HIS work hours changed why wasn't he the one to find alternate arrangements? Your plans couldn't have been that important to you or they were less important than you let on if they were that easily changed.

That makes zero sense. If my plans were unimportant to me, why would I be complaining about them being altered? Was it the trip of lifetime? No. It was a week off when I planned to hop in the car and visit my family and sit around at home doing whatever I liked. I was certainly looking forward to it.

And again, it's not so much about how I ended up spending my time. It was fine. It was about my DH not consulting me and being ungrateful.

I agree, it was his responsibility to make alternate arrangements. I.e. Not take the kids for 2 weeks when he knew he wouldn't be around. But he didn't. That is the point.

 

[World Showcaser]

OP, it's very clear to me this was just a rant and you just wanted to express some frustration.

You welcomed and took care of your step kids even though it was not what you planned for your vacation time.

This exactly!

OP you deserve to be upset. Just set some ground rules for a next time so you will not feel "used".

Thanks guys. This is helpful advice. We will definitely be sitting down and reevaluating expectations.

A number of people on this thread come across as just plain nuts and I can easily ignore them. They have no idea what they are talking about and just want to argue...like they do in every thread. However, I appreciate the reflective responses that were both affirming and offered me critique.

I know we have a great family. Not to worried about the assessment of random internet crazies.

 

[nugov2]

I think you are confusing the posts.

The false statement I was claiming was made by a different poster - Kellykins1218

And the statement was that someone said the children are not welcome to be in the home. I believe she was reading into what another poster had written.

I do work with many families where the SP watches the kids and doesn't have the ability to effectively discipline. The other parent undermines their ability to do so by telling the kids that they don't need to do what SP says.
"You're not my mom"... and so on.

Poor word choice on my part to say "have" to watch the children, but to be clear, I never said it was in a custody agreement or that the ex agreed to have the SP watch the kids.

You never said effectively discipline. Go back and read your post I already quoted. You do state it clear as day. I am not misquoting you at all and neither is the other poster. You are backpedaling now. If you mistyped fine, but you did seem to be arguing it pretty strongly until the last couple of posts IMO that it happens.

 

[NFLDERS]

OP, I totally and completely understand!!!!

There is a lot going on here.
And two of the biggest are:

1. He disrespected the fact that you took vacation so you could have some time off that you NEEDED...

2. He put his EX-wife (assuming ex-wife) and her break before yours... without seeming to have even consulted you or apologised.

I won't even mention the fact that he is not taking any time off, or stepping up to care for his own kids and keep them occupied and spend time with them. Absolving himself of any responsibility, because, "Hey, he doesn't need to... you are there."

I think that, like other's mentioned, maybe it sounds like you really, REALLY, need to have a talk with your husband about these things.

While we don't know you and all of the other 'players' here.
I will say that very often, it is hard to complain about being a martyr, when one has openly voluteered for the position.
You really need to take a deeper look at how things ended up like they have this week.
It takes two (or three, or more) to Tango.

Maybe it is time to re-think the dance.

HUGS!!!!!!

+1

 

[Bluestars]

And yes, his work situation changed in September. In the summer, I'm sure he thought he would be able to take care of them during Christmas. He knew since September that would no longer be the case. However, it was the day before I went to get them that plans were finalized. The plans never involved me caring for them until that moment.

If his work situation changed in September and he knew since then that he couldn't watch the kids, didn't you two talk about who was going to watch the kids? Or did the ex spring it on him at the last minute? Didn't he tell his ex that his work plans changed and that he could no longer watch the kids?

I completely get why you are frustrated. It sounds like nobody involved you in the decision to watch the kids. It seems like everyone should have been on the same page back in September.

 

[World Showcaser]

If his work situation changed in September and he knew since then that he couldn't watch the kids, didn't you two talk about who was going to watch the kids? Or did the ex spring it on him at the last minute? Didn't he tell his ex that his work plans changed and that he could no longer watch the kids?

I completely get why you are frustrated. It sounds like nobody involved you in the decision to watch the kids. It seems like everyone should have been on the same page back in September.

The plans were we got them from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day and she had them the rest of the time. That changed right before Christmas. We didn't talk about who would watch them because, until then, they were to be with their mother.

 

[amjb]

.

You state there you work with many families where the SP isn't allowed(and the only way that is possible is by a court agreement) otherwise the SP is free to do as he or she chooses on discipline within the guidelines of the law no matter what the other parent feels.

This is not true... the court agreement does not dictate behavior.

The only way an SP can discipline effectively is if the parent(s) agree, and the children recognize the SPs authority.

A parent chosing to have their spouse watch their child from a former marriage does not imply agreement from the former spouse. Many times they do not agree but can do nothing about it other than take it to court.

 

[nugov2]

.

You state there you work with many families where the SP isn't allowed(and the only way that is possible is by a court agreement) otherwise the SP is free to do as he or she chooses on discipline within the guidelines of the law no matter what the other parent feels.

This is not true... the court agreement does not dictate behavior.

The only way an SP can discipline effectively is if the parent(s) agree, and the children recognize the SPs authority.

A parent chosing to have their spouse watch their child from a former marriage does not imply agreement from the former spouse. Many times they do not agree but can do nothing about it other than take it to court.

Now you are disagreeing with your original post and agreeing with me...confusing. Either way I'm glad you acknowledge your earlier statement was false and that there is not a court that would rule that a SP isn't allowed to discipline them when they are allowed to be their caregiver.

 

[Bluestars]

The plans were we got them from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day and she had them the rest of the time. That changed right before Christmas. We didn't talk about who would watch them because, until then, they were to be with their mother.

So she changed the plans at the last minute and told your husband. Then, even though he knew you had plans, he told her it would be fine? That's very disrespectful. He should have talked to you about it and made sure it was ok.

 

[amjb]

The other poster DID misquote me... read the thread.
The the false comment was about another poster saying her stepkids are unwelcome in her house. It was NEVER written instead that poster read into her post. It had nothing to do with your side argument.

No back peddling here, I stand by what I say and do admit to using the wrong word when I said the "have" to take care of their stepkids. It is their choice to do so, not a court order.

Many SPs cannot discipline their steps as one or both parents undermine their ability to do so. Whether it's in the court order or not.

To chose to focus on the word effectively is a strawman... Of course it's not effective if they are undermined.