Rant - Stepkids & Husband

[FlightlessDuck]

I think the idea that she should always, 24/7, without even being asked, expected to care the children is what would be pretty 'messed up'.

I addressed that in my first issue. Again, I said they were two separate things. She wanted some along time, he should have consulted her. Or at least taken care of the children when he was home.

We've got two different things going on here. A specific situation and a general attitude.

Plus, as a family, he has a responsibility to take care of the children (including her son). So, what are we talking about here? OP being the only caregiver of all children? That's not what I'm taking from this.

 

[declansdad]

Her DH had no right to dictate how she was to spend HER vacation, regardless of who's kids they were. If I worked full time, and took a vacation week, and my DH told me he cancelled our sitter, and the kids would be with me the whole week, without previously discussing it with me, he'd be taking a week off, too.

I know people who "share custody" of their parents with their siblings. So, would it be okay if your spouse's sister decided to go away on vacation during her time, and the IL's were in your care for a week that you planned on doing other things? Without even asking you?

If DH took a week's vacation, there is no way I'd be like "oh good - I'm heading out of town - they're all yours for the week." Issues like these get discussed in our home. With as many kids as we have, there are many times someone has to sacrifice his or her plans - however, DH would never tell me what I had to do.

I wonder if she discussed with her husband that she was taking the week off and he would be responsible for everything?

 

[amjb]

OP wrote:

I knew I'd have to take care of my own son but that he would be with his dad for some of the time.

Sounds like she had it covered and wasn't expecting him to be responsible for anything

 

[nugov2]

I think it also depends on the custody arrangement too. If DSD was only here every other weekend or something I wouldn't feel the need to discipline her much because she would only be here 4 days a month and there isn't much behavior modification you can do in that time. Since she is here full time, it's another matter.

So she never asks for an oreo before dinner and you tell her not now or anything similar to that...because that is discipline. Discipline isn't just major things, it is little things all day long. I find it hard to believe someone has a blanket no discipline clause by the SP in their custody agreement that also states the SP is allowed to be alone as their caregiver. I'm not saying terms of discipline, but a flat no discipline statement. Even schools are disciplining our children while they are at school, but there are limits to what they are allowed to do. That is different than saying no disciplining.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes, but in the OP's case, her DH didn't respect her. Now, if her DH was home on vacation, fine, but he had no right to dictate her week off. When asked by the X if he would take the kids for that week, he should have said he would discuss it with his current spouse, the one who would actually be watching the children.

Oh I totally agree. And this is what happens when both parents and step parents do not recieve the same level of respect where the kids are concerned.

 

[Turn the Page]

So she never asks for an oreo before dinner and you tell her not now or anything similar to that...because that is discipline. Discipline isn't just major things, it is little things all day long. I find it hard to believe someone has a blanket no discipline clause by the SP in their custody agreement that also states the SP is allowed to be alone as their caregiver. I'm not saying terms of discipline, but a flat no discipline statement. Even schools are disciplining our children while they are at school, but there are limits to what they are allowed to do. That is different than saying no disciplining.

I said I wouldn't feel the need to discipline much not at all. There is a difference between the two.

 

[SirDuff]

I wonder if she discussed with her husband that she was taking the week off and he would be responsible for everything?

To be fair, the OP said that her son was going to be with his dad and (or so the OP thought) her step kids were going with with their mom - so there would have been nothing to be responsible for.

 

[nugov2]

Just to be clear...I was NOT the one who said this. I would be very sad if my stepkids couldn't be here for a holiday. I've never missed a birthday, holiday, last day of school, school concert, anything! I don't consider us as having two families....just sometimes we aren't all together.

I know, and why I stated some posters and not OP A lot of people are confusings some posters outrage at posters making it seem the children are not equal members of the family as the biological children to the SM and that is where a lot of the upset posts are coming from. Not by what you are stating. I didn't see anything in your post that was that you didn't want them, just you didn't like the way DH thrust the entire responsibility on you. I think the issue of your DH learning to respect you is the same no matter if they are SC or biological. Some people views IMO are that their SC are second class citizens and making it a them vs their biological children and THAT is wrong, but it is really off topic from your post.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

He agreed to take the kids because he is afraid to make her upset. But their drama has nothing to do with me.

Actually, their drama has everything to do with you. Your husband is afraid of making his ex upset. But he doesn't care if you are upset

He made you cancel a trip to see your family so his ex would not be upset. She got to go on with her travel plans. You did not. He chose her over you. He chose not to spend time with his kids. He chose to involve you in "their drama".

Oh yes. The drama involves you very much.

 

[amjb]

So she never asks for an oreo before dinner and you tell her not now or anything similar to that...because that is discipline. Discipline isn't just major things, it is little things all day long. I find it hard to believe someone has a blanket no discipline clause by the SP in their custody agreement that also states the SP is allowed to be alone as their caregiver. I'm not saying terms of discipline, but a flat no discipline statement. Even schools are disciplining our children while they are at school, but there are limits to what they are allowed to do. That is different than saying no disciplining.

This is an interesting point that I have seen argued in the courts.

The parents that are against SP disciplining they will tell you that they should get to chose the caregiver. In the case of schools, a coach, babysitter etc. they get to choose who these people are... that's not the case with the SP.

This is why some CAs have ROFR (Right of First Refusal) which requires the non-custodial parent to forfeit custody time if they are not present during their defined time.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Too bad you had to give up your vacation so that your hubby's ex could enjoy hers.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

11. My husband works to pay child support and his car insurance payment. None of his money supports me, my child or him for that matter.

That is the strangest thing I have ever read.

So, he can't even support himself, yet he tells his ex to go on vacation and "makes" you stay home from your trip to see your family. Is he a control freak? Why is he more concerned with his ex's feelings than yours?

It wasn't so he could spend time with his children, since he spent no time with them. It seems like it was all about appeasing his ex and showing you who is boss.

He has to give 100% of his salary (save car insurance) to child support?

 

[nugov2]

I said I wouldn't feel the need to discipline much not at all. There is a difference between the two.

So would you agree to an arrangement where you have responsibility for your step child, but it says you are in no uncertain terms allowed to discipline him/her? AMJB said and she sees "many cases where a step parent is responsible for a child, but is not allowed to discipline them". I call BS on that being in any custody agreement that allows a step parent who is allowed to be alone with a child. I agree terms may be set, but not a blanket no discipline agreement. Who would ever take on responsibility for any child and agree to not discipline them? Doesn't make sense. Feeling the need and not using it much makes sense. Also deferring major discipline issues(ie how long are they grounded etc.) to mom and dad to discuss makes sense, but say a child is hitting another child in my house...they will be disciplined. Saying no discipline is saying the are giving the child freedom to behave any way they want with absolutely no consequence.

 

[CF'er]

Did OP tell her husband that she was planning to go out of town for a few days? Somehow I think not or her husband may not have said yes to his ex. Or he would have made other work arrangements or something. I have a feeling that she just told him she was taking the time off and he assumed she was staying home since she didn't state otherwise.

 

[Kellykins1218]

No one said that children aren't welcome in any of the posts. The fact that you are making up falase statements to support your POV is telling.

I think the fact that you are falsely accusing me of making false statements to support YOUR view is telling.

 

[sk!mom]

You should definitely tell your husband that you need him to pull his weight around the house especially when you have all 3 children.

BUT these are his children and it's a shame for them that when they are at your house they are "visiting" and an "inconvenience." It would be so much better for everyone if they were family.

 

[amjb]

That is the strangest thing I have ever read.

So, he can't even support himself, yet he tells his ex to go on vacation and "makes" you stay home from your trip to see your family.

He has to give 100% of his salary (save car insurance) to child support?

Sorry for thread hogging...

If he has has to take a cut in pay, or was laid off for a while, his child support orders may not have been adjusted to reflect current income.

Some states allow an adjustment due to circumstances, others will base it on imputed income (what he "could" be earning as defined by court).

 

[Turn the Page]

So would you agree to an arrangement where you have responsibility for your step child, but it says you are in no uncertain terms allowed to discipline him/her? AMJB said and she sees "many cases where a step parent is responsible for a child, but is not allowed to discipline them". I call BS on that being in any custody agreement that allows a step parent who is allowed to be alone with a child. I agree terms may be set, but not a blanket no discipline agreement. Who would ever take on responsibility for any child and agree to not discipline them? Doesn't make sense. Feeling the need and not using it much makes sense. Also deferring major discipline issues(ie how long are they grounded etc.) to mom and dad to discuss makes sense, but say a child is hitting another child in my house...they will be disciplined. Saying no discipline is saying the are giving the child freedom to behave any way they want with absolutely no consequence.

Probably not, no.

I'm saying if DSD was only here 4 days a month I wouldn't have made much of a fuss about her not being potty trained until she was 4 for example or if I was told I wasn't to discipline her I wouldn't worry about whether she ate all her vegetables the few days she was here. Given that she is here full time, that is not cool. If I were told I was not to discipline her my response would be then I will not be responsible for her. If I am not to discipline her then if her father isn't home neither is she.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Did OP tell her husband that she was planning to go out of town for a few days? Somehow I think not or her husband may not have said yes to his ex. Or he would have made other work arrangements or something. I have a feeling that she just told him she was taking the time off and he assumed she was staying home since she didn't state otherwise.

This guy can't even shovel his own sidewalk, drive himself to work, or help support the family financially. Do you REALLY think he can make any decisions on his own? Seems like the only winner in this situation is the EX WIFE. She was smart enough for a divorce, and smart enough to give herself a well deserved break on her own!

 

[luvsJack]

This works for you... but may not for others.

I am a child advocate in the court system and have extensive child and family psych background.

The "we are all parents" approach can do more damage than good. To have that type of parenting plan requires that everyone be on the same page and have equal rights as well as responsibility.

This means steps have right to discipline. Not all parent are comfortable with that.

It doesn't work when parenting styles differ or when children feel divided loyalties. Some moms do NOT want another woman parenting their child and vice/versa.

Steps families work best when boundaries are clear, there is mutual respect and everyone knows and accepts their role.

If dh had not been able to treat our sons as his own, we would not still be married. When I realized the strain that would come feom that, I realized that I needed to gibe same parental respect to their step mother. When they visited their dad, he wasn't always there. What exactly was she supposed to do? Tell them "just wait till your daddy gets home"? That doesn't work.

Of course there are differences. That's where the respect comes in. And having a voice. Step mom did some things I didn't like. I didn't tell my ex and expect him to take care of it. I told her.

Most second marriages don't work. I honestly wonder how many of those divorces are due to the lack of consideration given to the step parent where the kids are concerned.


The OP has every right to be frustrated and venting and its because neither bio parent respected her or gave her a choice. His kids should be welcome in his home but she isn't the mom's babysitter anf should not be treated that way.