Quitting College Athletics, Advice Needed

[disney castle days]

Hey all,

So just brief background: I'm a college senior at a division 1 school. My scholarship covers maybe 5% of my tuition, and I can afford my remaining semester without the money.

I made a post about a month ago about my roommate ignoring me and that I was having some problems with not being in my team's group chat. Well, it has gotten worse, and I am contemplating whether or not to quit.

My roommate, also my teammate, has talked to me maybe 5 times in the last month. We never drive together, she leaves before me, avoids me at practice, etc. I've tried to address it and she completely ignored it, so I am just letting her do what she wants.

I got kicked out of our team group chat last March or April and was told by everyone that it must have been my phone glitching, but was also never added back in. I was never added to the one for this season. I met with my coach about it and he said: "well I'm not in that group chat either so I can't control it." It is a group chat run by the captains to distribute information such as what we are wearing for practice, what time we have to be there, when we are eating meals, etc. Our coaches have never been in these group chats, so I feel like his response is BS. I have asked 2 of the 3 captains to add me, one said she couldn't because she didn't make it and the other one outright ignored me.

Last week we had a team pasta party (coaches were invited but didn't go). I was the only one not invited. At points, my teammates would be discussing it directly in front of me and just pretend I wasn't there. I knew when/where it was, so theoretically I could have just showed up but I figured this would only make it worse. I brought this up to my coach and he basically said it wasn't a "team" party because it was at some of the players' houses, not on school property. This is also BS cause we have had team events at their house before, and the coaches were invited.

During the pasta party, I got a message from one of our captains that they had gotten complaints about my attitude on the field during the prior game, and that they did not need or want my attitude on their team. Now yes, I can be a little snarky, I am not going to even deny that. But we were 0-0 at halftime, and I was genuinely impressed, so I know I didn't say anything outright mean during that half. I didn't say anything during half-time. During the 3rd quarter, I made a joke or two about us getting lightning delayed because the lightning was 1.2 miles away from when we had to delay the game. I am assuming that was what was taken wrong. And during the 4th quarter I fainted from dehydration, so definitely did not say anything then. When I asked the captain for a specific example, she brought up something that happened last year, because I sent them an article that another school had published about us saying we had given up on the field. Once again, I also brought this up to my coach and he basically said that the girls don't like when I make comments on the sidelines. Mind you the captain that texted me this, came off the field cursing everyone out the very next day, and also screamed at everyone in the game after that.

This past weekend we had an away trip. I was in a room by myself, which to be fair I was told about before we went. We normally all double, but we have an odd number this year. We went to dinner at a restaurant that had 4 booths and 3 tables for us to sit in. Everyone squeezed into 3 booths and 1 table, and there were no seats left for me, so I had to sit by myself. My coach very clearly saw this, because he talked to the table next to me and then looked at me and walked away. The manager of the restaurant wound up grabbing a chair and making room at the one table, so I could sit with the team.

So I have reached the point where I don't know if it is worth it to be on the team anymore. I only have 56 days left until the end of the season, so a part of me wants to try to stick it out because I love the sport and I will never get it back if I quit. But the other side of me doesn't think it is worth it anymore considering all the problems I have already had and we are only a month in.

And before anyone asks, escalating to a higher admin will do nothing, we have had 5 kids quit in the time I have been here and the admin sweeps everything under the rug.

 

[kymom99]

I wouldn’t waste my time or energy on this team.

I’ll add that a friend’s son played college football. He injured his knee and had surgery. His senior year he was released to play but the knee still hurt. So he quit. He decided it wasn’t worth his future health to play through the pain.

 

[ronandannette]

Honestly, it sounds like a fairly toxic situation and whatever has happened to sour the relationship between yourself and the rest of the team is probably irreversible. Unless you are on a sports scholarship or have a shot at being scouted for elite-level play, if I was your mother I'd probably tell you to bail and try to find some other living situation as well. Focus the remainder of your college years on your education and look for other areas of interest to focus on, including something that "fills your tank" and contributes to, rather than detracts from your mental wellness. I wish you well.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If you remember from the other thread, I was worried this was going to happen, from the sounds of things. (My son was fortunate to have a really cohesive team in college, so this makes me sad, and I know a bit about how it works.)

I guess you will have to decide how important all this is to you. How will you feel if you essentially get pushed off this team? Will you still want to stay where you are? With the roommate from the team and other former teammates around campus? Socially how will it be with friends? Will it cause you to feel depressed? (I imagine you feel that way already, so maybe it’s a matter of degree, ie which is worse, staying or going.)

Honestly it does sound like a toxic environment for you there with them essentially shunning you. Coach, especially, is disappointing. (DS’s coach would never have allowed this, in fact he focused on team building more than anything, which helped them all be successful.) Do you get playing time, at least?

Since there’s only a short time left in the season, you could be defiant (”Screw them!”) and try to stick it out. Swallow hard and sit by yourself. Don’t go to their stupid parties, etc. You be the one to decide when and if you’ll leave, not them, which could help you feel strong and like you’re taking your power back. Then look for a new team if you still want to play your sport. DS’s team always had a lot of transfer students come in to try out, and play. (If you made a D1 team I’m sure you’d find a spot somewhere.) This is a lot, I know, but it is an option. In life, there will be other times like this.

If you were my child I’d hate the thought of you leaving the sport under these circumstances. But we were fortunate to be surrounded by good people. (I know from reading that’s not always the case.) It’s hard to fathom that all the players on the team go along with this behavior and someone doesn’t have the guts to stand up and say this is wrong. I don’t have much respect for any of them.

But really, your well-being has to be foremost. Have you sought out counseling? There has to be counselors available at the school. I’d probably talk to them about it since they can do a whole assessment better than any of us here can with what little knowledge we have of your overall situation. How are things going with your classes?

Anyway, hugs.

 

[DLgal]

I'll give you advice as if I was your mom:

Quit. Take care of your mental health. There is no shame in quitting ANYTHING toxic and no reward for sticking it out. Apply this to everything in your life.

You can continue to play this sport on rec leagues into adulthood just for FUN, which is what sports should be.

P.S. I'd also move out. Look on campus for people looking for a roommate and get out of your living situation if you can.

 

[JaxDad]

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I was on a college varsity team many, many years ago, and I would have been miserable if this had happened to me. With that being said, there’s no way I would have quit. I know times have changed, but I would have hated to give them the satisfaction. You seem tough. If you think you can, hold your head high, and get through these last few weeks one day at a time. Use all your loved ones, your faith, your love of the sport, whatever it takes. Again, I’m from a different era, and my advice may not work for youth today, but I still wanted to offer my opinion. I wish you the very best of luck and a long, and happier, relationship with your beloved sport.

 

[cvjw]

If my whole team hated me, I would have a long, hard, inward look at myself. Something major had to happen for everyone to totally ignore you. At this point, it may be futile to try and change your attitude. Seems that ship may have sailed. If I were your mom, I would tell you to quit, find a new place to live and try to start over.

 

[SirDuff]

If I recall from your other thread, there were a couple of others who were also not on the group chat (I think you said that you thought it was linked to not drinking?). Are they still being excluded? Were they are the party? If they are also being excluded, maybe talk with them?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You can continue to play this sport on rec leagues into adulthood just for FUN, which is what sports should be.

But for the actions of her teammates, she was having fun.

This is a problem of the culture of the school, that it’s allowed. She was recruited to play here, and contracted.

Universities today are supposed to be inclusive. It’s wrong that they are excluding her.

Even if the OP is a total jerk (not saying she is), it’s the coaches job to help her along with an attitude adjustment so she can be a part of the team.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I was on a college varsity team many, many years ago, and I would have been miserable if this had happened to me. With that being said, there’s no way I would have quit. I know times have changed, but I would have hated to give them the satisfaction. You seem tough. If you think you can, hold your head high, and get through these last few weeks one day at a time. Use all your loved ones, your faith, your love of the sport, whatever it takes. Again, I’m from a different era, and my advice may not work for youth today, but I still wanted to offer my opinion. I wish you the very best of luck and a long, and happier, relationship with your beloved sport.

I’m the same way. I’d be having the best time sitting by myself in the restaurant, chatting up the staff and enjoying my food immensely. Success is the best revenge.

 

[cedricandsophie]

I’m sure being left out of things is difficult and hurtful. At the same time, you agree you can be ‘snarky’ and say things that can be irritating to others. Your coach should be more helpful. That’s part of his or her job. So he sounds like a wimp. But maybe in the teams mind they reached their limit.

If I were your mom or dad I’d be coaching you on how to address the issue head on. Ignore the coach. Bring snacks, treats, whatever to practice, stand in middle of room, yell if needed and tell them to listen. Say you want to be part of the group and if someone can give you specific examples of how you have not been a team player, you want to listen and learn. Smile and be polite. And stop going to coach because that seems like a tattle tale.

Or you can quit. But I think you will regret doing that.

You might view this as a turning point to being an adult. Take charge, try to fix it. That’s what adults do. Even if you can’t fix it you can hold your head high for trying. And finish the season with pride.

Sorry is this sounds harsh but I’ve never allowed my kids to be quitters.

 

[SandyinMonterey]

Your physical and mental health is top priority. Have you discussed this with your parents? Have you've considered discussing this with a professional? Such as a counselor at your college? In my eyes it shows you're trying to deal with the situation, seeking professional advice and importantly have it on record. I would do this first, gather all advice and opinions and sit down with your parents and counselors to make a decision that BEST for you.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

IMO I think you probably should have updated the prior thread with all this information. There's a lot of info there and can skew the advice here without the old one to go off of for information into the background.

https://www.disboards.com/threads/roommate-advice.3892751/


It does look like a good amount of us posters there thinking there was something up with the chat and team dynamics being accurate.

Is there a reason why you didn't disclose on the last thread about you being kicked out of the group chat? A lot of us I think thought you were being left out of the chat not that you had been in it but then were no longer on it as I recall you just said you were not in the chat. I don't think you told us that you had been in it last year and then just were not included in this one this year.

It is def. true that people can be awful so I say this with kindness in mind..knowing how some of the people I knew in high school who had drama who have continued to have drama there's a kernel of truth that the drama can be something they are manufacturing or continuing themselves. We're in our 30s now and I still see FB posts that read like we're 16 year olds. It's disappointing but I bring that up because to hear in that other thread about issues with your roommate and a lot of discussion about your roommates behaviors but to also hear about the team dynamics and then this new thread where you tell us you were kicked out, that your teammates aren't inviting you to events, where even your coach is shirking on the importance of addressing team stuff like ensuring there's an official chat they themselves disclose information and you've got teammates telling you you've got an attitude it seems like the "there's things not being told" is pretty accurate here.

I know you had some mental health struggles and were working on that over the summer and I genuinely sympathize there and I do think you've been open on those struggles but it seems like you're getting some big loud feedback here.

Again I say this with kindness but I don't think the issue is your roommate's perceived standoffishness. I don't think the issue is your teammates and while I do think there is unprofessionalism on your coach's part the "it's me not you"...honestly might be the answer here. There's obviously something you're giving off that is leading to so many people having an impression about you.

Would I suggest you quit the team? Yes but I would only do it because there's enough going on that suggests there's things that need to be addressed within you still. No one wants to be ostracized. "Mean girls" doesn't seem as likely anymore with the updated information. It's honestly possible that your comments are dragging down morale and that has made it so the team is just not with you. Are you wanting a lightning delay because you think it will make your team perform better if they get that break? I can see that coming across like you're jinxing it, bringing up a 0-0 game probably comes off like no one is trying hard enough when players may feel like they are busting their butts, what was the purpose in sending your teammates and article about another school talking trash about your team's effort? Are you trying to rub it in? Making comments on the sidelines isn't the issue but what you're saying I could def. see as coming across like a smart aleck and not boosting morale, ask yourself are you the team player? What role do you have on the team?

 

[ronandannette]

But for the actions of her teammates, she was having fun.

This is a problem of the culture of the school, that it’s allowed. She was recruited to play here, and contracted.

Universities today are supposed to be inclusive. It’s wrong that they are excluding her.

Even if the OP is a total jerk (not saying she is), it’s the coaches job to help her along with an attitude adjustment so she can be a part of the team.

I agree this is all that should be happening, but isn't. The school culture seems to offer no oversight or accountability and the coach him/herself has failed at every level. It's extremely unlikely that the OP staking a stand will even ping the radar of any person or entity that could, but seem entirely uninterested in, making true improvements.

I’m the same way. I’d be having the best time sitting by myself in the restaurant, chatting up the staff and enjoying my food immensely. Success is the best revenge.

This is a VERY BIG ASK of a person with genuine mental heath struggles, often which involve profound self-esteem issues and lack of self-confidence.

 

[Suzabella]

Your physical and mental health IS the priority which is why I ask, which choice will haunt you more now and in the future? The question isn't just about how you feel right now but how will you feel years from now.

My DH quit a sport in HS and it has haunted him for many years. It left him feeling he was a quitter. It literally haunted him. (Yes I knew him then) So ask yourself....which choice effects your self esteem now...later? Which choice is best for your mental health now...later? Which decision can you live with not necessarily which decision is easier?

Only you can decide and I wish you all the best whatever path you choose.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sorry is this sounds harsh but I’ve never allowed my kids to be quitters.

I lived under that mentality and wished it wasn't so black and white when I was younger.

You want to instill in a mentality to try your best and to really think things through before opting to leave but you don't want to instill in a mentality that you'll deal with harassment, abuse or just running you down in the name of "don't quit".

It used to be that people stayed in jobs for decades and leaving was seen as taboo but luckily we're getting away from that. Job hopping isn't a problem any longer it's just job hopping way too frequently is more what you should pay attention to.

The OP leaving the team doesn't make them a quitter. Nor an automatic regret. You should allow your kids to feel comfortable leaving something if they feel that is best, it doesn't mean you don't have the discussion of what that means. That's giving the understanding of consequences not talking in absolutes that many of us find as we get out on our own were harmful in the end. "You won't be a quitter" is often used in a derogatory way as well.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I have a few thoughts. First, I agree with the above poster who recommends seeing a counselor before making a decision. It will really help to talk to a neutral person who can listen, ask questions and give you food for thought. Just talking through the situation with someone who is trained to listen and guide you will be very helpful.

Your college years are very important in the scheme of life. This should be a time not just for academics, but for having new experiences, self-discovery and advocating for yourself. Put yourself in the future, looking back on your college years. What do you want to see? There are a few options, none of which are wrong. But what you ultimately do should be your own choice for the reasons that are most beneficial to you.

One scenario: "I found myself in a toxic situation, but I stuck it out. Staying on the team sent a message to my coaches and teammates that they could not control me and that I was a strong, confident person."

Another scenario: "I found myself in a toxic situation. I weighed all the options, and I left the team. Leaving sent a message to my coaches and teammates that I am a strong, confident person who refused to accept their BS and poor treatment."

In either scenario: "I did what was best for myself, my physical and mental health. I did not allow others to bully me. I did not visibly react to their rudeness. They did not get the satisfaction of thinking they were able to break me. Whether I left or stayed, it was due to my own strength and confidence."

In either case, I would recommend getting a new roommate if possible. This early in the semester, you might find that several people still have space in their dorm rooms or apartments. Focus on friends that aren't on the team. A new roommate might even introduce you to new people to hang out with. Focus on your major and your studies. Perhaps even look for groups or clubs that interest you.

No matter what you decide, live your senior year on your terms!

 

[DLgal]

But for the actions of her teammates, she was having fun.

This is a problem of the culture of the school, that it’s allowed. She was recruited to play here, and contracted.

Universities today are supposed to be inclusive. It’s wrong that they are excluding her.

Even if the OP is a total jerk (not saying she is), it’s the coaches job to help her along with an attitude adjustment so she can be a part of the team.

This is all irrelevant. This is NOT working for OP. No one is even trying to help fix this situation.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This is all irrelevant. This is NOT working for OP. No one is even trying to help fix this situation.

And inclusive is not mutually exclusive with issues such that the OP is dealing with. Inclusive when it comes to talking about colleges is usually about the student body and what they comprise of such as different ethnicities, cultures, gender and gender fluidity and openness about that.

Bullying and exclusion from the team is really a different issue all together. Usually there's a code of conduct both at the student level and any group level be it athletic or otherwise. OP could def. raise concerns at the college level by filing a complaint that does not mean they will be found to be not without issue on their own stuff. And raising a concern however appropriate that really is may not correct things or as you put it help fix the situation.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree this is all that should be happening, but isn't. The school culture seems to offer no oversight or accountability and the coach him/herself has failed at every level. It's extremely unlikely that the OP staking a stand will even ping the radar of any person or entity that could, but seem entirely uninterested in, making true improvements.

This is a VERY BIG ASK of a person with genuine mental heath struggles, often which involve profound self-esteem issues and lack of self-confidence.

I, and others here apparently, take the view that it could help her self-esteem.

I was part of a group when we were quite young, maybe 12 or 13. For some reason (I honestly can’t remember the exact reason) people in the group - yes, including me - decided to exclude someone from a fun outing we were going to one day. We met an hour before the time we told this person, and went off on our way, thinking we were pretty smart, and didn’t give it much more of a thought afterward. We took a bus and a couple of trains to get where we were going, so it was quite a journey. (An amusement park.)

A few hours into it, we saw this person show up, by himself. He made a point to walk right by us, so we saw him, and he snubbed us all, walking by looking straight ahead, eating a popcorn and enjoying rides by himself all day. That made a big impression on me, and I lauded him for his courage. It couldn’t have been easy to do.

He left our group, not surprisingly, but years later, I ran into him, and had a chance to talk to him about it - after first apologizing for my awful behavior. He was forgiving. And I think we left that meeting as friends again. I have thought a lot about it over the years, and I still carry shame for it. I never did it again, that’s for sure, so I learned from it. And I taught my own kids to be inclusive. (As a college senior, some of the notes DS got from teammates actually made me cry - many said he was the first to welcome them to their team, and they looked up to him as someone they could always go to, etc.)

These girls are a lot older than a bunch of 12 yr olds, and ought to know better. College teams are full of strong personalities - that’s how they got there, and college coaches know how to deal with it. (It starts on day one and never lets up. There is no ‘i’ in team; team first attitude; reeling in, and even punishing bad behavior; even being a few mins late for a practice is disrespectful to the team, etc.)

If this was any other “club” at school, it wouldn’t be ok to exclude someone like this.