Quick facebook question (husband's actions)

[Liberty Belle]

I think both of these women are attentions *****s. The woman who was his friend who posted about getting hit on too often...who says that? She WANTED people to get on there and pat her ego. She got it. She has friends like herself who also need attention and one who posted a naked lady on the beach for her profil pic (and it wasn't her, right?) Who does that?! Someone who needs attention, that's who. And she got attention from your DH's comment. OK, fine, he *had* to comment. Therefore, she friend requested him because suddenly she *knows* him--who knows--they may have chatted.

This is all just my opinion but I think this is how trouble starts. This might be quite innocent and never go anywhere but it sets a precedence for the future of "friends" and I just do not think it is smart to go there. He should have never accepted the friend request or asked her to be friends with him (whichever way it happened).

I think you hit it dead on, right there.

 

[fairestoneofall]

if it were not someone that DH knew already (and it sounds like she isn't), then yes, it would bother me. it isn't that i don't trust DH, it's just that i don't see the point of friending her.

just because she's in the Netherlands doesn't mean a thing. she could still try to instigate an online affair, which is not all that "out there." but more or less, i don't see the point of starting a friendship, whether you share political views or not. i don't start friendships for that reason.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think you are reading way too much into it. A little comment her or there on Facebook is harmless. I make them to people all the time with no actual desire to follow up on them. Getting all worried about innocent comments (and until there is follow up they are just innocent comments) says more about you than it does him IMO. Friending someone on Facebook isn't the same as exchanging phone numbers or anything else. It is merely a loose relation online and I have a lot of Facebook friends I will never meet in real life.

I'm friends with exes on Facebook and still talk to them from time to time. I won't stop because of someone else's insecurities. Anyone I date is free to do the same.

Also, if your husband wanted to initiate something with this person he wouldn't have done it on the Internets where everyone can see it, including you.

Just trying to give you a guy's perspective.

Frank, I said I didn't even know if it bothered me. I asked him about it, mostly, because most people on here thought I should. I have am friends on facebook with an ex and with a few people I have never met and never will.

So, I don't think I'm "reading way too much into it."

I'm not insecure. But if I were and I asked DH to unfriend her, I'm sure he would. It's part of being in a relationship. If DH had issues with me being friends with an ex (actually I'm friends with two on facebook), I would unfriend him right away and then look at why DH is feeling that way.

I'm curious what you think my post said about me.

 

[FireDancer]

Frank, I said I didn't even know if it bothered me. I asked him about it, mostly, because most people on here thought I should. I have am friends on facebook with an ex and with a few people I have never met and never will.

So, I don't think I'm "reading way too much into it."

I'm not insecure. But if I were and I asked DH to unfriend her, I'm sure he would. It's part of being in a relationship. If DH had issues with me being friends with an ex (actually I'm friends with two on facebook), I would unfriend him right away and then look at why DH is feeling that way.

I'm curious what you think my post said about me.

I'm sorry if it came across as harsh. I think people generally, not just in this situation, look way too into what is said on Facebook. Friending someone who you came across through a third party conversation is pretty common and I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Heck, I would probably not have even noticed because I don't pay that close of attention to what anyone I date does on Facebook. They can friend anyone they want, regardless of their state of dress, I just don't care.

So, when I say you read too much into it I mean you even allowed the thought to enter into your head that this may be something to wonder about.

It's just my opinion but if you trust your husband in rel life trust him on Facebook and by trust I mean don't even question him (unless he is blatantly setting up hotel room hook-ups). I'd be pretty annoyed if someone questioned what I did online if I never gave them reason to not trust me.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm sorry if it came across as harsh. I think people generally, not just in this situation, look way too into what is said on Facebook. Friending someone who you came across through a third party conversation is pretty common and I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Heck, I would probably not have even noticed because I don't pay that close of attention to what anyone I date does on Facebook. They can friend anyone they want, regardless of their state of dress, I just don't care.

So, when I say you read too much into it I mean you even allowed the thought to enter into your head that this may be something to wonder about.

It's just my opinion but if you trust your husband in rel life trust him on Facebook and by trust I mean don't even question him (unless he is blatantly setting up hotel room hook-ups). I'd be pretty annoyed if someone questioned what I did online if I never gave them reason to not trust me.

Fair enough.

It didn't seem to bother him that I asked. I made sure to change the subject quickly, so he didn't get the impression that I was angry or something (you know how difficult reading tone can be on messages).

 

[fairygirl]

I agree with talking to him. You are spending the rest of your life with him. Why let something like this bother you when your mind could easily be put at ease? From the way it sounds, if he knew it bothered you, then he will probably just de-friend her. You can have a conversation without sounding like an accusation - just approach it as something you noticed and it just bothered you a bit - if he is the decent sort, he will understand where you are coming from.

 

[FireDancer]

Fair enough.

It didn't seem to bother him that I asked. I made sure to change the subject quickly, so he didn't get the impression that I was angry or something (you know how difficult reading tone can be on messages).

That is very true. I think case like this are an extension of this difference in how men and women communicate. Generally speaking we don't put that much emotion into simple conversation. We also generally don't buy into the "emotionally cheating" stuff which is along the same lines and is often the cause of these kinds of Facebook (or even life in general) disconnects.

 

[fairygirl]

Fair enough.

It didn't seem to bother him that I asked. I made sure to change the subject quickly, so he didn't get the impression that I was angry or something (you know how difficult reading tone can be on messages).

Oh, sorry! I missed this in the midst of the confused post! Glad he wasn't bothered by your asking...and glad she is in the Netherlands....

 

[sbell111]

I think that there is nothing for the OP to worry about for a few reasons.

First, husband and wife are FB friends.
Second, husband did not initiate conversation with beach bimbo.

True, he befriended her, but many people simply accept every friend invite, kicking the few bad apples out of the pool as necessary.

 

[disneydreamersx4]

It would creep me out a bit but then again a lot of my friends have been through major issues due to problems with online boundaries being crossed. I know of two people that are divorced/divorcing because of online behavior/affairs.

I also know of someone getting divorced and facebook had a lot to do with the wife having too many male friends if you know what i mean. I would also have a problem with my DH if he friended someone in that situation.

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

This is an easy one for me. I would have went onto his friends list and unfriended her. No questions asked. No one would have probably even knew. He certainly wouldn't have asked her where she went and she would have never came back saying anything to him. Done and done. Not the end of the world to be unfriended, most people don't even realize it. Why start something up with someone you really don't want to be in your dh life.

 

[princessnoelly]

This is the whole thing with Facebook that confuzzles me...would you 'friend' someone you just met in line at the grocery store for a few seconds/minutes or in line at Disney World? You going to exchange numbers, addresses, emails or tell them what hotel you live at in your are on vacation - I would hope not! The answer is pretty much no, yet on Facebook, people 'friend' people they don't know at all.

In the real world, it takes more than a few seconds or few sentences of flirting to make friends with people, and in the real world, the definition of friend is much different than in the online world.

Good luck to OP and all the rest who are dealing with online social media issues, Tiger

THIS!
People say things and do things on FB that are just rude and dumb. People have no limits and don't always watch their privacy settings. I know I don't want people knowing what my kids look like, where I live, my phone number, etc that I've never shared a cup of coffee with. My friend rule with FB is: haven't seen you in person in 10 years or had a phone conversation with you in 2 years I'm not your friend!

Side note: Watch what you post. There have been TONS of lawsuits due to what people have said on FB and homes broken into. Do you want all your "friends" to know that you just checked in about the OBGYN's office? Heck no- I want people to think I'm home so they don't break into my house!

 

[Tiger926]

There are a few people that I'm friends with, that I don't know that well. Some that I play an online game with, some that I met casually but we have something in common with, so it's a way to further our conversations and so on.

some people prefer facebook just for people that they are close to, some treat it much more casually. Personally, I'm casual in the way I use it. Not everyone on it is a close friend, but I'm not posting info that I'd only share with close friends on it.

I got all of that. My point is that in the real world, the concept of a friend is much different than in the online world. Friend has a certain connotation and understanding to it, even within the different levels of friends. Online friends are not the same thing, and in fact, there are many strangers that people 'friend' just to make it look like they are popular. That is my point here with the OP's husband. They chatted on Facebook for a few seconds/minutes, and now he wants to be her friend? I don't get it. Would you have exchanged numbers or email addresses with her at the resort pool? I know the online world is a different world, so that was my point.

THIS!
People say things and do things on FB that are just rude and dumb. People have no limits and don't always watch their privacy settings. I know I don't want people knowing what my kids look like, where I live, my phone number, etc that I've never shared a cup of coffee with. My friend rule with FB is: haven't seen you in person in 10 years or had a phone conversation with you in 2 years I'm not your friend!

Side note: Watch what you post. There have been TONS of lawsuits due to what people have said on FB and homes broken into. Do you want all your "friends" to know that you just checked in about the OBGYN's office? Heck no- I want people to think I'm home so they don't break into my house!

Excellent points. I think the whole concept of Facebook is different for so many people. For so many people, it's another way to fuel their narcissism in posting each second of their day. That's creepy to me - not even my husband knows what I do each second of the day. For others, it's a great tool to find lost relatives or keep in touch with far away friends/relatives, and for others, it's a way to look for dates or start relationships. There are so many uses for Facebook, so only the OP knows exactly what her husband's intentions were, and I see from updated responses, that he thought they could communicate about political views. Only she knows if this is legitimate or not, and if it bothers her, then I think she has every right to talk to her husband about it further.

Tiger

 

[sparks19]

Excellent points. I think the whole concept of Facebook is different for so many people. For so many people, it's another way to fuel their narcissism in posting each second of their day. That's creepy to me - not even my husband knows what I do each second of the day. For others, it's a great tool to find lost relatives or keep in touch with far away friends/relatives, and for others, it's a way to look for dates or start relationships. There are so many uses for Facebook, so only the OP knows exactly what her husband's intentions were, and I see from updated responses, that he thought they could communicate about political views. Only she knows if this is legitimate or not, and if it bothers her, then I think she has every right to talk to her husband about it further.

Tiger

Yeah facebook is different for everyone. b ut I don't know that I would BLAME facebook for infidelity. If it wasn't facebook it would be something else.

I love facebook. My hubby and I both have a facebook but I can't say we check each others facebook. if he friended a naked chick I'd never even realize it lol. but all of my family and friends live really far from us. I am from Ontario Canada originally and moved to PA so everyone I know lives far away and this just makes it easy to keep everyone in the loop. I post my daughters pictures for my family to see. I post little updates through the day of funny things my daughter does because I know my mom reads them when she's at work... and she has a stressful job and I know it brings a smile to her face to read these funny little stories.

Of course I also don't friend just anyone but I do have online friends (some I've even met some I haven't yet but we've known each other for years) on my facebook. I also don't post my phone number or my address and things like that.

but facebook definitely has its purposes... some people use it to fool around on their spouse... but that's a problem with the person not facebook

what i would NOT have done is just go in and delete her and not say anything to hubby. to me that's dishonest and dishonesty can ruin a marriage just as quick as an affair. going in and managing his facebook friends (not saying this is what the OP is doing) is treating him like a child... your spouse is an adult. let them decide how to handle things. Be honest with t hem about your feelings and then leave them to do the right thing. I would be SUPER angry if my husband went into my account and saw fit to decide who I can and cannot talk to. Had he come to me and said he was uncomfortable with a certain person then I would delete them out of respect for him... but it is disrespectful to take it upon yourself to decide who your spouse... your EQUAL... you PARTNER... can and cannot have on their friends list. (again not saying the OP is doing this... but it was mentioned by other posters)

 

[Tiger926]

Yeah facebook is different for everyone. b ut I don't know that I would BLAME facebook for infidelity. If it wasn't facebook it would be something else.

I love facebook. My hubby and I both have a facebook but I can't say we check each others facebook. if he friended a naked chick I'd never even realize it lol. but all of my family and friends live really far from us. I am from Ontario Canada originally and moved to PA so everyone I know lives far away and this just makes it easy to keep everyone in the loop. I post my daughters pictures for my family to see. I post little updates through the day of funny things my daughter does because I know my mom reads them when she's at work... and she has a stressful job and I know it brings a smile to her face to read these funny little stories.

Of course I also don't friend just anyone but I do have online friends (some I've even met some I haven't yet but we've known each other for years) on my facebook. I also don't post my phone number or my address and things like that.

but facebook definitely has its purposes... some people use it to fool around on their spouse... but that's a problem with the person not facebook

what i would NOT have done is just go in and delete her and not say anything to hubby. to me that's dishonest and dishonesty can ruin a marriage just as quick as an affair. going in and managing his facebook friends (not saying this is what the OP is doing) is treating him like a child... your spouse is an adult. let them decide how to handle things. Be honest with t hem about your feelings and then leave them to do the right thing. I would be SUPER angry if my husband went into my account and saw fit to decide who I can and cannot talk to. Had he come to me and said he was uncomfortable with a certain person then I would delete them out of respect for him... but it is disrespectful to take it upon yourself to decide who your spouse... your EQUAL... you PARTNER... can and cannot have on their friends list. (again not saying the OP is doing this... but it was mentioned by other posters)

I would never blame Facebook for infidelity...it may be one of several contributing factors. People cause infidelity...

I totally agree that I wouldn't just delete a friend from his account either. But I will say again that men and women have a totally different way of communicating, and of understanding relationships. OP may see a problem that goes totally over her DH's head - that is common around here, so if it weren't for me, hubby would be in some serious pickles as he struggles with foresight and preparation most of the time.

I think in the age of social media, it's important for people to remember boundaries and employ foresight, but in actuality, I see less of that used in social media situations. People are becoming even more self centred and egocentric, and employing little or no boundaries, which may cause problems that just aren't necessary, IMHO. I think that social media allows people to get themselves into some serious situations, as they lower their filters and boundaries. I am not so sure that these same people would do so in other areas of their lives either...it's the ease of use and immediate gratification of Facebook that makes it so easy to pollute so many relationships, IMHO. This is exactly why I asked if OP's hubby would befriend a stranger within minutes of meeting her in real life, and if he did, how would it make the OP feel if he gave another woman he had just met at the resort pool his email address, which is essentially what befriending someone on Facebook is.

Tiger

 

[Liberty Belle]

Just a note:

I would never go in and delete someone from his facebook account. I would be very angry if he did that to me and I would expect he'd feel the same.

 

[luvmy3]

if it were not someone that DH knew already (and it sounds like she isn't), then yes, it would bother me. it isn't that i don't trust DH, it's just that i don't see the point of friending her.

just because she's in the Netherlands doesn't mean a thing. she could still try to instigate an online affair, which is not all that "out there." but more or less, i don't see the point of starting a friendship, whether you share political views or not. i don't start friendships for that reason.

Just because you don't doesn't mean its not a reason to start a friendship. I know my dh is very passionate about politics and since I don't share his enthusiasm or all of his political views he would see someone who does share them as someone to discuss things with, as someone to friend. Its no different than all of us coming here because of a common love of Disney.

This is an easy one for me. I would have went onto his friends list and unfriended her. No questions asked. No one would have probably even knew. He certainly wouldn't have asked her where she went and she would have never came back saying anything to him. Done and done. Not the end of the world to be unfriended, most people don't even realize it. Why start something up with someone you really don't want to be in your dh life.

You wouldn't even discuss it with your dh, you'd just go onto his acct and unfriend someone without his permission? I don't see anything wrong with what the OP's dh did, but I see something very wrong with what you would do.

 

[Nolcrest]

So after a couple flirty comments he knows they have similar political views? Hmmm. This just wouldn't sit well with me and it is the perfect time to set some guidelines for each other when using facebook. I wouldn't just see what happens- time to open up dialogue - 'cause it did sound like this bothered you.

 

[cm8]

which statements? I trust my husband. I trust that he wouldn't deliberately do something to harm our marriage. I'm not stupid, however, and i've known a few people who have had affairs - and that was not their original intention.

ita

 

[ols386]

Just a note:

I would never go in and delete someone from his facebook account. I would be very angry if he did that to me and I would expect he'd feel the same.

Me neither.

That would be taking it a bit too far IMO.