Question for Divorced/Separated Parents

[SillyMe]

How do you deal with an ex who says things to your child that he has no business saying? We have been separated only since December. Our dd6 is having a hard time with the separation so I am enrolling her in a counseling program at her school. Yesterday the teacher sent home a pamphlet with tips for parents on what to do and not to do.

I thought it would be a good idea to go over the pamphlet with my dd. I gave her examples so she would understand. One of the tips was "not to use your child to spy on the other parent". She told me that her dad did that. I asked how...she said..."Daddy asked if you were going out with your boyfriend the other night" NEWSFLASH...I DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Then she tells me that he told her that (in her&his words) "he's trying to hook up with a girl for one date". *** would you say that to your 6 yo daughter who is having a hard time dealing with her parents separation and still wants her parents back together? There is absolutely NO chance for that, but you do not say that to your child.

I am so sick over this. Did you have to deal with this crap and how? I am so disgusted.

 

[Marseeya]

I didn't have to deal with this during my separation (DH refused to even see the kids... I don't know which is worse), but I can tell you right now, if he'd EVER done anything like that, he'd be getting blasted to the ends of the earth for it! Maybe your ex needs a blast?

 

[Sleepy]

While I have no experience with separation, my mother used to be bad about interrogating my son for info about home life when he visited her. I finally put a stop to it by telling him he is NOT to tell her anything that happens at home. A good response is "I don't know" or "you have to ask them".

 

[Serena]

Um, yeah. He needs to grow the hell up and keep his mouth shut. I would try, really try, to have a calm, reasonable talk with him. Maybe it would help.


And if calm and reasonable doesn't work,

 

[mickeyfan2]

Do you have a custody order in place? See if there is a clause about this. I know my GF had one. If this continues and you have the clause that could mandate that he has to have supervised visits where the person supervising can hear everything he says and end the visit if he breaks the rules.

This is very detrimental to the child and I am glad that you are taking this seriously.

 

[AdventurerKat]

If you figure out how to get him to stop, please let me know because my friend has been dealing with this kind of bs from her ex for three years now.

He'll stop for a while and then always goes back to it. We were hopeful that when he got a girlfriend it would stop altogether. It hasn't. He's still the same jerk he was before and continues to pull this stuff. Its really sad and I don't understand someone doing that to their kid.

 

[tkd lisa]

I'm not sure how cordial your situation is.

If you can carry on a civil conversation with him (not saying that you would be the problem ) I'd ask for a time to talk (i.e. don't do this on the spur of the moment, or when your DD is there), and go over the information you got with him. Basically I'd do something like this. You know that DD is seeing xyz counselor. They had some really good information that I'd like to share with you. I know I've had a hard time with some of this (say this just to make him feel better, even if you haven't), so I wanted to let you know that I'm going to make every effort to follow these guidelines with DD. I know that we both want to do what's best for her, and it's pretty clear that it's really confusing for young children when they feel like they have to report on what happens in the other parents house."

Now if you're not civil, I'd try to get someone fairly close to your ex to have that conversation. But I think the conversation NEEDS to happen.

As part of the divorce process, most states require you to take a class where this kind of thing is discussed. Have you (and he) taken this? If so, I'd refer to the stuff you learned in class.

As a child of divorce who was put in the middle, I've made a STRONG resolution that I will NOT do this to my children. And I've come down hard on my mom whenever she does it.

I hope it works out for you.

 

[pattyT]

I hope it doesn't go to this extreme -
but I know someone who ultimately ahd to get a 'Gaurdian ad Liteium' (sp?) who was appointed by the courts to look out for the best interest of the child...

maybe you could mention to the x that there is the potential of that happening if he keep it up - and he might lay off

dirt bag.

 

[QT Pooh]

Well, it sounds like your DD is not the only one having a hard time with the separation...sounds like your ex might be as well. Unfortunately, sometimes people don't realize that children are children that can't understand in the same manner that adults do.

I had to deal with this also with my ex...unfortunately, after 8 years of being divorced it still goes on a little bit but more often about money now than relationships since we've both been remarried now for a while. Every time he dated a girl one time, he would bring the kids to meet her. I swear that the kids met about 15 of his girlfriends, who they befriended, and then got hurt again when she and Dad didn't work out. It sucked and no amount of talking to him would make him understand because he claimed I was just jealous and I had no right butting into his life. Maybe your ex is more rational than mine was...but you need to try and nip this in the bud as soon as possible. Find some articles and supporting documentation that state that parents shouldn't put their kids in the middle and any questions he has about your life should be directed at you instead of your daughter. Also document everything. That way if you need to get some legal interference (which should ALWAYS be a last resort) you'll be prepared.

It sounds like Dad is trying to play the victim to get your daughter's sympathy...and trust me, at that age, it's likely to work. Sorry you and your DD have to go through this. Good luck with everything.

 

[SillyMe]

No custody order in place yet. I'm hoping to start the process today. There is not "talking to him". We were trying to be amicable in the beginning and things finally started to seem like they were okay. Then he got ticked at me last week because he wants me to settle for less than my fair share on the house and doesn't want to sell it, so now he's not speaking with me at all. He won't even call anymore to talk to her (he used to call every day). He waits for her to call him b/c he knows she calls him every day.

He won't talk directly to me. He's putting her in the middle, telling her to ask me about plans he wants to make with her. I'm so ticked. He told me I'm selfish because I wanted to leave and he told me I'm selfish because I want my fair share out of the house, regardless what happens to the house. He's not being selfish by putting her in the middle?

He also doesn't want scheduled visitation because he feels it's best for her to be able to choose when she wants to see him. That is way too much responsibility for her. She ends up calling me and crying every time she's supposed to sleep over at his house because she misses me and then feels guilty because she has to choose.

Serena those are the words I find myself saying all the time...grow the hell up.
QTPoohYou hit the nail on the head about him playing the victim for her sympathy. He did tell her right after we left that this was all my fault. Apparently she was crying one day to him telling him she wishes this didn't happen. His response "Well, none of this would have happened if your Mommy hadn't left".

 

[AdventurerKat]

SillyMe, I feel for you. Your ex sounds EXACTLY like my friend's ex. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope it ends up better than the ongonig saga she is living through.

 

[Serena]

What an awful situation. I guess I'd just talk with your daughter and her counselor. Maybe the counselor can do something to help.