Question for/about grandparents

[Minnie824]

This may sound like a dumb question but....
For grandparents...obviously you love your children and grandchildren equally, but whose needs/wants do you put first..your children or grandchildren? I know when I was younger, I used to go to gramma to get stuff, even my parents didn't want me get it. And not just for buying stuff though, I mean for helping out your kids or grandkids, or anything.
And for others...do you feel your parents put you first or your children first?

Right now, my children are young, and even though in 20 years, I know I'll love my grandchildren, I can't imagine putting them ahead of my kids. I want to do everything I can to help my kids with whatever they need, always. Is that just part of being a grandparent though..spoiling your grandkids, no matter how your kids feel?

 

[cdrn1]

My one and only grandchild just turned 2 years old. She is the light of my life. I adore my kids but there is nothing quite like hearing a spontaneous little "I love you Gammo"!!! My heart MELTS.

 

[SC Minnie]

I think my parents put the grandchildren first. My brother and I can take care of ourselves but if we do need help for whatever reason it impacts the grandchildren so my parents will do whatever they can to help out.

Grandchildren also only come to visit so they aren't around all the time. Grandparents want to make that time as special as possible.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think it is wrong to put what a grandchild wants above what a parent knows that child needs. Luckily, my DD has 3 grandparents who agree and do very well not to spoil her rotten. Spoiling is OK but just don't make my child rotten! LOL

As far as loving and treament, I also feel like these grandparents do a wonderful job of making us all feel equally loved. I suppose my mom does love my DD more but I *feel* like she loves us both the same.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Unfortunately, IMHO, I feel that many grandparents do indeed put their relationship with their grandchildren first. Many grandparents are almost like, it is MY kid, and you are just taking care of them. They feel that grandparents have 'rights'.

No offense to any loving and reasonable grandparents out there. But, as the OP suggests, there are many who selfishly put their own gratification and their own interests in the relationship with the grandchild(ren) above their relationship with, or respect for, the parents. (especially the in-law parent!!!)

 

[NMAmy]

I think there is a special bond between grandchildren and grandparents--and that's as it should be. I know when I was a kid, I felt that way about all of my grandparents. Grandparents have the luxury of spoiling the kids and being their advocate. I remember my nephew getting mad at my sister when he was little. He packed his bag and told my sister that he was running away to grandma's house because grandma loved him no matter what. I don't have a problem with my mom putting any of her grandkids or great-grandkids first. I put them before me, too.

 

[MamaLema]

Every grandma I've met has told me they love their grandkids more.

 

[ragdoll]

DH and I had absolutely no idea how wonderful being grandparents would be until we became grandparents! Really, we had no clue...that is when you will completely understand the special bond between grandchildren and grandparents.

 

[TEENEE]

My step son and dil can take care of themselves so their needs comes second to my dgd. As far as wants go we haven't had any problems in that area. If there is ever anything that my dss says he would prefer that his dd not have we would abide by his wishes. Dgd is only 3 so she doesn't ask for much, yet.

 

[Maleficent13]

My BIL actually has a story where they brought my nephew over to visit my inlaws. My MIL swooped down the steps, grabbed up the baby, started cooing at him and took him upstairs...leaving my BIL and his wife standing outside in the snow...without even greeting them. BIL says when they let themselves in and came upstairs, MIL looked at them like, "How did you get here?"

I'm with Amy...I would never want my parents or ILs to put me before my DD...I want her to be first. But lucky for me, the GPs are respectful of my rules, etc. (at least when I'm around...I have no idea what they do when I'm not there, but as my mom says, "If we don't get caught, we didn't do it!")

 

[In a hurry]

Being a grandparent is different. The priorioties are to enjoy, not to discipline, train, etc. I can't wait! I agree with the poster who said that she wanted her children to be the priority.

Of course, not talking about undermining authority etc. Just grandparenting.

 

[Nancyg56]

Being a grandparent is different. The priorioties are to enjoy, not to discipline, train, etc. I can't wait! I agree with the poster who said that she wanted her children to be the priority.

Of course, not talking about undermining authority etc. Just grandparenting.

Exactly right! I never understood what being a grandparent was like until my beautiful little DGD came into my life. We had raised our family, loving them without question. But our job is different now. My DD and her DH raise our DGD, and we enjoy her. She is the light in our lives, and she knows it. We melt when she tells us how much she loves us, and smile because she knows that her Nana will drop everything to help her bake a birthday cake for her stuffed animal, or her Pa will stop mowing the lawn to take her to the park.

I love my children, and would walk through fire for them, but I don't feel that it is my responsibility to "put them first". If they need us, we are always there for them, but want them to live their own lives, as the responsible adults that we raised. We are fortunate because my DD enjoys our relationship with her DD, and actively encourages it. She and her DH are not threatened by us, because they know that we would never undermine them or their teachings in any way.

 

[kidzmom3]

my children are blessed with two sets of wonderful grandparents. They have different but awesome relationships with each one.

My mom is the fun one, cooks great meals, has them sleep over
My dad will help them build anything, watch movies etc...
His mom loves to shop and take people for haircuts, babysits (she doesn't work) on occasion and takes them birding (yes looking at birds, which my kids age 8,10,12 have grown to love)
His dad, is a soon to be deacon in the catholic church, plus a high ranking executive. He gives them knowledge and interest in the greater world (travels to asia all the time and often brings home local suprises)

Now these parents love us very much, but they LOVE the kids, and its as it should be!!!

 

[Beth76]

I think grandparents should put the grandchildren before their own "children". Why? Because they are children. Their own kids are now adults and can handle life on their own. It's been probably at least 20 years since they had a special child/baby in their life and they're looking forward to all that joy again. I doubt I still bring joy to my parents' lives, but my two sons (and of course my neices) certainly do.

 

[2sweetangels]

ok this is hard, I have a little sister who is still 13 and I have 2 kids, I would say my mom puts my sister first, just because she still a minor and in her care and has to be put first. Now between me and my other siblings, I would say the 2 granddaughter's would come first, my 2 brothers 23 and 27 years and my other sister 21 years. Im the only one with children so far.

 

[Buckalew11]

Exactly right! I never understood what being a grandparent was like until my beautiful little DGD came into my life. We had raised our family, loving them without question. But our job is different now. My DD and her DH raise our DGD, and we enjoy her. She is the light in our lives, and she knows it. We melt when she tells us how much she loves us, and smile because she knows that her Nana will drop everything to help her bake a birthday cake for her stuffed animal, or her Pa will stop mowing the lawn to take her to the park.

I love my children, and would walk through fire for them, but I don't feel that it is my responsibility to "put them first". If they need us, we are always there for them, but want them to live their own lives, as the responsible adults that we raised. We are fortunate because my DD enjoys our relationship with her DD, and actively encourages it. She and her DH are not threatened by us, because they know that we would never undermine them or their teachings in any way.

And you sound like the ideal grandparent.

 

[bsusanmb]

I never understood it when my friends would go on and on about their grandchildren and tell me "there is nothing like it". I couldn't understand my parents, who late in life, would drive hours to see my youngest brother's children play biddy basketball, football, etc.
This year I was blessed with two grandchildren. One a biological girl to my middle daughter, and one adopted baby boy from Russia by my oldest daughter. My whole world changed, as did DH's. Of course I love my children and I would lay down my life for them. But my grandchildren occupy a whole other part of my heart. They are my joy, and I adore them. There is a special bond between grandparents and grandchildren. I try to help my daughters and sons in law with providing for their children. No one ever helped me, and I am in a position where I can give. I pick up diapers and wipes and formula for them, and shop on ebay for gymboree clothing that they could not afford. I would never overstep my bounds. I don't show up uninvited, and I am careful not to wear out my welcome. I don't criticize, and I truly am in awe of my daughter's ability to mother these children. I am so proud of them, and tell them all the time. I don't love the grandchildren more, I love them in a different way. They are dependent and vulnerable, and I older and wiser than when I had my children. I am more patient, and I also don't have these babies 24/7. So, as grandparents, we have the time to give 100% of ourselves to our grandchildren when we are with them.
As far as the adopted baby from Russia, he will never get as much in return as he has given us. I couldn't love him more had I given birth to him myself. He is as much a part of our lives as any biological child would be. I never knew that we had that capacity to love, but seeing the initial photo of him from Russia, it was love at first sight.
I hope that this helps you to understand what it is like to be a parent and a grandparent. The love is as deep for both, but having a grandchild allows you to be the "parent" you always wanted to be to your own children. It is easier to be a grandparent - you don't set the limits or the rules, you don't have to worry about shaping the character or any of the other demanding jobs of a parent. You just provide the support and affirmation of the ideals your children have for their children.

 

[disykat]

I think the OP is really asking - is it okay for grandparents to ignore the wishes of the parents and do whatever they want with the grandkids? I believe that if a grandparent truly is putting the grandchildren at the highest priority, they will do whatever they can to respect the parents and nurture that relationship. IMO, teaching a child that it's okay to go against mom and dad's wishes (assuming mom and dad are not drug addicts or axe murderers) isn't doing the child any favors.

If a child is drowning, by all means save the child first. Make the grandchildren's favorite foods over the adult child's. However, ignoring your adult child's wishes to grant happiness to your grandchildren isn't acceptable in my book.

Fortunately this isn't an issue with my parents or inlaws.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is that just part of being a grandparent though..spoiling your grandkids, no matter how your kids feel?

What rules do you want them to follow? Are they reasonable for them to follow. Or is it petty stuff? What do you mean by "spoiling"? That is a broad base...

If you are the parent you set some rules up and ask the parents to respect them. If my children have rules for me, I will respect their rules.

My rules were basic...
No hitting my children. (One grandma did it once, so limited supervised visits only there.)

Had to quit promising them stuff that they were not going to follow thru with. We would call it lying, my mom would just say we were "just talking"...

As far as feeding them and buying them stuff, I didn't care about that too much. It got to a point that my kids just don't care about that stuff so my mom stopped buying it.

 

[Nite0wl71]

ok this is hard, I have a little sister who is still 13 and I have 2 kids, I would say my mom puts my sister first, just because she still a minor and in her care and has to be put first. Now between me and my other siblings, I would say the 2 granddaughter's would come first, my 2 brothers 23 and 27 years and my other sister 21 years. Im the only one with children so far.

I love all of you equally but you are right, Stacey is first because she needs me the most being only 13 (almost).

I don't like to think of putting my kids or grandkids in order, but the younger they are the more they need to be taken care of.

It's not a matter of taking over or raising grandkids, but there is some kind of a bond that is hard to explain. If one of my older kids needed something and the DGD's needed something and I could only give to one it would have to be the DGD's, the older ones have more options.

And yes grandparents should be able to spoil them a little, I remember doing special things with my grandparents and my kids had a great relationship with my mom.

I would never do anything that my DD didn't approve of just because I think it is right. But I must have done something right because she is raising those girls the same way I raised her