Question about visitation/divorce......(long!!!)

[Minnie_me]

My stbx-H moved out on October 1st. In all of that time, he has never had the girls spend the night at his new place. They have absolutely no desire to go there, even though it's perfectly fine (clean, nice location, a bedroom for them, etc.) -- I think it has more to do with their feelings about the situation, YKWIM? So, for the past 3 months, when he spends time with them, it's here in the house. (which is usually okay with me, but often annoys me)

We know that as our separation/divorce become more permanent, the girls are going to have to spend time at *his* place with him.

And so doesn't it figure.........

He's moving in with his brother this month (to save $$). And now I have problem. His brother is an alcoholic and a gambler, who often has such trouble with money that his electricity gets turned off occasionally. BIL's girlfriend is also an alcoholic, and they usually spend most of their time at her place, which is a good thing. I guess.

So here's my big problem: there is no acceptable place for my girls to sleep at BIL's house. He has shared custody of his 3 children, and they have beds, but I'm not going to be okay having my kids sleep there too. The beds are old and gross, the sheets and blankets never get washed. Sometimes there aren't even any sheets or blankets to speak of, and the kids just lay on the comforters (which are filthy).

STBX-H keeps saying that he's going to make it acceptable, but how can he?!? My kids should have their OWN space at this house, not beds that their cousins sleep in 3 days a week, or whatever. You know?

Don't I have a say about where my children sleep!??!?! BIL's house has even been turned into CPS as 'dirty house'. Nice, huh!??! (which is ironic, b/c STBX works for CPS)

HELP!!! PLEASE!!! (and no, I haven't talked with an attorney yet.........I know that I need to, but I'm fishing around for answers for free first - LOL!)

 

[Tuffcookie]

Minnie me,



Welcome to the wonderful world of divorce. Unfortunately, unless there is extreme abuse or neglect you will have to tolerate the situation. I know it isn't easy!

TC

 

[Minnie_me]

Wow -- really!??!! I'm so surprised and kind of upset about this.

So my daughters may be doomed to spend half of their childhood living in squalor, sleeping in beds that are used by other people?

Ick. This whole thing sucks so bad.

 

[LauraC]

I'm not familiar with that specific type of issue, but did google that question and read the following. I'm sure it will depend on the state and the judge in question. I would think that the fact that the person your soon-to-be ex lives with (alcoholic, gambler) and the living conditions would play a factor in custody arrangements and your attorney should be able to argue that point.

http://www.womansdivorce.com/how-is-custody-determined.html#WHEREYOULIVE

Will my living arrangements affect the custody decision?

Michelle's Question: If I move out with our 2 1/2 year old son, is it better for me, for custody purposes, to live with a friend while getting back on my feet or moving directly into a rented house for a more permanent residence?

Brette's Answer: Permanency is always a good thing when it comes to custody, however sometimes you have to do what is possible for you at the time. It is important to appear stable. Anyone you live with will be important - any problems with that person will hurt your case.

Will it affect the custody decision if I live with my boyfriend?

Alex's Question: My child is 9 months old and I am currently going though a child visitation/custody case with the father. I am now dating someone else and have been for a year. Will it be okay if I start to live with this person or will it affect the courts opinion of me?

Brette's Answer: Whenever you live with someone it becomes a consideration in custody because that person is part of the child's environment.

 

[Starbrite]

It really may vary by State & by the Judge's discretion.

My ExH was told he needed to provide sleeping arrangements for DD & DS that included a private bedroom and their own (seperate) beds. Once he provided these things they would reconsider overnight visits.

 

[mom2grace]

You could purchase sleeping bags and pillows for your kids to carry back and forth. You would be more likely to get them back if you went to his place for pickup! (Don't want to leave them there)

How old are your girls?

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with the others, alot will depend on your state, your lawyer etc.

I do want to mention though, that the sleeping bag idea is a good one! I am not trying to offend you. I know how you feel etc. Even though my divorce was ten years ago, sometimes I still get a little miffed at some of the ex's decisions. But he loves the kids and he is good to them. I remind myself that some things are better left alone. I am assuming that you are keeping the primary residence and he is the one who is trying to figure out the whats of moving and all the expenses related to that? If you were married and were in the situation of having to move and the only place available would be this person's house..would you allow your family to live there while you were looking for something better? Would you trust your exdh to know what he is doing or understand the financial part better?

These are often the questions I ask myself when I am dealing with the ex. There were many times that I had to remember that I am not married to him but I do trust his decisions with the kids. Maybe you need to get with your ex and explain your not real comfortable, how long will this last etc. If he is irresponsible and you don't feel this is a good situation maybe there is another solution you can offer. Maybe you can leave for the weekend and he can have the kids at your house? I have found ex and I do better if I have a complaint and also have a solution he can think about.

This will be the first of many battles. Choose them wisely and remember the kids love their dad. To the point every weekend sleeping in a sleeping bag is worth it to them to have his company. I understand where you are coming from as an adult but we have to remember the kids might not see this as a bad thing and can be flexible. I would press upon your ex about the cleanliness/alcohol issue.

Kelly

 

[Minnie_me]

The problem with the sleeping bag idea is that there's no place for them to use the sleeping bags! The room where STBX-H is sleeping has very little floor space (bed and dresser take up all the room). And BIL sleeps in the living room on the couch (always has........the guy has never slept in a bed since his teens!).

I understand that I need to pick my battles, but I don't understand why STBX-H would move from this other place that was clean and had room for the girls. The kicker is that, since he can't find someone to sublet, he's paying $400 a month for that other place!!

 

[Bren's Mom]

Have you ASKED him why? Have you two sat down and talked about how this new situation will affect the kids and your concerns? And if he is still insisting it will be ok, since he's not having overnight visits right now anyway, and there's no custody order in place...why not just take a deep breath and see whether he makes good on his word?

 

[kellyg403]

The problem with the sleeping bag idea is that there's no place for them to use the sleeping bags! The room where STBX-H is sleeping has very little floor space (bed and dresser take up all the room). And BIL sleeps in the living room on the couch (always has........the guy has never slept in a bed since his teens!).

I understand that I need to pick my battles, but I don't understand why STBX-H would move from this other place that was clean and had room for the girls. The kicker is that, since he can't find someone to sublet, he's paying $400 a month for that other place!!

??..that does seem a bit odd? Other than he may be on the lonely side this really doesn't seem to make good financial sense.

I agree with the other poster, I would voice my concerns in a calm manner and offer him the solution to sleep at your house until things change, improve, he moves..whatever you feel is best in this situation. Offer a solution...so he understands that you don't feel comfortable, you value the time he spends with the girls and want to make it work.

Kelly

 

[VillageMama]

What is an STBX-H? I get the X-H part but not the rest.

 

[Inigo]

What is an STBX-H? I get the X-H part but not the rest.

Soon to be X-H.

OP, could you buy your daughters the Dreamie thing they show advertised on TV, and have them bring back and forth (for frequent washing) to your house? The Dreamie thing, if you haven't seen the commercial, is a sheet-type thing that is sewn together on three sides like a sleeping bag. THere's a slot for the pillow to slide in so all they would touch at night is the Dreamie.

I'm icky about sleeping in hotels, so I plan to get one for when I travel. I saw them at Best Buy, but I'm sure Walgreens and CVS will be selling them too.

Other than that, to you and your children.

 

[ZachnElli]

My brother lived with me and my family for the first 10 months while going through his divorce. He didn't have to have separate beds or a separate bedroom for his 3 kids. While my house was large, I also have 3 kids, so no way was there enough space for 3 adults and 6 kids to have separate rooms and separate beds. My oldest DS gave up his room and my brother slept there along with his 3 girls when he had them. Of course, we are not alcoholics or gamblers. As far as washing the sheets, my brother could do that himself, I wasn't a maid. Your STBXH can wash sheets. There is a good chance that your STBXH will only stay there temporarily. You said they would live half their lives in squalor, but he may only be there 6 months. And if the bil and girlfriend are so bad, why do they have partial custody of his kid's? Wouldn't they have been deemed unfit?

Sorry, I just saw another side of this when my bro's ex tried to paint him as this really bad guy, when the truth was she had a boyfriend. And it was too expensive for my brother to pay the mortgage, child support for 3 kids, alimony, half of day care, health insurance for his ex and the kids and get an apartment.

 

[wdwfan16]

Sadly but you have no say in what he does during his visitation. You need to get the state involved and have them deem what is acceptable.

My cousin moved in with his brother and he and his two girls all shared the same bedroom. This lasted for two years.

 

[cheermom1]

I agree with the others it depends on the state mainly ..

Where I am tho that doesn't really matter my dh's ex tried to play that card a few times and it never went any further then a cop showing up and getting mad (we did have places for them to sleep all 4 boys were in one room at one point when we were redoing their room) but what I remember the cops saying was that some don't even have as much as we do and saw nothing wrong with what we had set up --she even called dhs on us and they said the same ...we now have their rooms done and 2 are in one and 2 are in the other..

anyway I think what you really need to do is talk to him nicely and give him no reason to get defensive (not saying you would) need to be adults about EVERYTHING ..I am only coming from my experience with my dh's ex, she always went about everything in a childish way and never talked to him about anything except to yell and belittle him and told him that she knew best and he had to obey her period...

not saying you are like her in anyway just trying to give a little insight if you have never had to deal with things like this .. the best advise I can give is to TALK to him and work things out for the kids...good luck

 

[Minnie_me]

Thanks for all of your advice.

STBX-H and I have talked about the reason for his move. It's b/c his current place is too far from the bars and his friends and . .. I believe.....a girl. I have a feeling that he may end up staying there for a long time. Especially if his brother ends up moving in with his girlfriend.

The reason that BIL still has shared custody of the kids is that he doesn't drink when he has them, and doesn't see the girlfriend when they're around.

It will work out. I just need to know what my rights are, and what rights my kids have.

Oh - -one more question. Do the girls HAVE to visit him and spend the night there if they don't WANT to??? My 12-year old is adamant that she will NEVER spend the night at daddy's new place. Can't she just spend days with him, and come back home at night?

I feel so terrible for my girls. I never ever dreamed this would be their life.

 

[cheermom1]

Thanks for all of your advice.

STBX-H and I have talked about the reason for his move. It's b/c his current place is too far from the bars and his friends and . .. I believe.....a girl. I have a feeling that he may end up staying there for a long time. Especially if his brother ends up moving in with his girlfriend.

The reason that BIL still has shared custody of the kids is that he doesn't drink when he has them, and doesn't see the girlfriend when they're around.

It will work out. I just need to know what my rights are, and what rights my kids have.

Oh - -one more question. Do the girls HAVE to visit him and spend the night there if they don't WANT to??? My 12-year old is adamant that she will NEVER spend the night at daddy's new place. Can't she just spend days with him, and come back home at night?

I feel so terrible for my girls. I never ever dreamed this would be their life.

No I'm sorry they have no say right now ... I know you want the best for them I really do however the reason things are set up like this is b/c of others that will say their kids don't want to visit their dad and it really is them and just want to keep them away from dad and being nasty about it...

I'm sorry you feel so out of control but unless you can prove he is unfit or abuse or something like that he has rights to see his kids and have them stay with him where he lives...

 

[kerstfan1]

I'm sorry you feel so out of control but unless you can prove he is unfit or abuse or something like that he has rights to see his kids and have them stay with him where he lives...

i do believe here (netherlands) a child can decide what he or she wants when the reach the age of 12

 

[cheermom1]

i do believe here (netherlands) a child can decide what he or she wants when the reach the age of 12

Does the op live in the Netherlands? If so I have NO clue about what they do there...if she lives in the us then I stand by what I said and again this is from personal experience...the judge can take in to consideration what a child wants at age 12 only if they feel they need to talk to the child and if they do they don't just go with what the child wants it is in consideration....

 

[Minnie_me]

Does the op live in the Netherlands? If so I have NO clue about what they do there...if she lives in the us then I stand by what I said and again this is from personal experience...the judge can take in to consideration what a child wants at age 12 only if they feel they need to talk to the child and if they do they don't just go with what the child wants it is in consideration....

LOL, no I don't live in the Netherlands!

I've just talked with STBX about this whole mess. He says that he never understood why people fought so hard about the "overnight visitation". He promised that he will never force the girls to spend the night, even if the court says that they have to.

He *IS* a good guy. He's going through something right now which is making him act like a jerk (mid-life crisis? depression? i'm not sure.....). And I'm very angry with him for putting us through this and not listening to my advice about counseling. He's not handling it well at all. But when all's said and done, he's a good guy.