Question about transgender--Nephew

[lisajl]

Does anyone here know anything about this?

We just found out our nephew has been on hormone treatments for quite a while and will have surgery near Labor Day.

We accept him/I mean her, we love her, she is still a part of our family.

I am looking for a website or something to help us work through this and be comfortable around her.
That is not right--I don't want to say the wrong thing. I guess I just need to know more about this.
My sister in law is just sick about it. But, my daughter is gay, we have a gay niece, a cousin was gay, so we are a very accepting family.

My sister in law says she is just mourning the loss of her son.
I think I understand that, but she needs to be strong.
She has been asked to be there for the surgery and she declined at first.
But, after emailing us and her older sister she is re thinking that decision.

We have not seen our nephew in over 2 years. Do you think it would be wrong if we were to go to D.C. when the surgery takes place to help my sister in law and be there for our niece?
I want to make sure she knows we love her no matter what.

Thanks for any help. I did not know where else to turn.
The websites I have seen have not been that helpful.

Lisa

 

[OrlandoMike]

We have some people here who know much more than I do about this, hopefully they will reply.

Untill then I would suggest your local chapter of PFLAG, perhaps they could get you headed in the right direction.

 

[dwheatl]

I would talk to your sister-in-law and niece and find out what they want. Let them both know you love them and want to help in whatever way possible, and if they want you there and you can make the trip, then do it. I'm sure your love and support, whether in D.C. or from home, will be much appreciated by both of them.

 

[lisajl]

Thanks for the replies. I will definately talk to my sister in law.
I have been telling my husband to call her. I think she needs his support as well. My DD was telling me how much work goes into evaluation before anything is done. I just really need to know a bit more about this.
I want to be sensitive to all parties involved here.

In the meantime my SIL is trying to find a way to tell her parents (my inlaws)-they are 88 and 84.

I will check into a local PFLAG chapter, too.

Thanks again!
Lisa

 

[OKW Lover]

...maybe a few too many.

Is your sisters child transitioning from apparently male to female? If so, its customary to refer to the pre-transition person with male pronouns and the post-transition person with female pronouns. (and the other way around as well - from here on I'll assume male>female just for convenience). Yes, that's a significant change for people who have known them for a long time and will require some conscious thought for a while. Perhaps a good way of looking at it is to address them the way they present (dressed as a female = female pronouns). Its a simple courtesy that will go a long way towards showing your niece that you love support her.

As far as the "transition" goes, understand that this has many phases. You mentioned surgery in September. That strikes me as a bit quick. Typically the individual must live 24/7 in the new gender for a year before SRS (sexual reassignment surgery - changing the genitals) will be performed. That typically means that the person would already look female on the outside and most likely have secondary sex characters (breasts and fat distributed to the hips) from the hormones. If your niece is already at this stage, its time to begin using female pronouns.

Sorry, this all sounds way to clinical as I re-read it. Didn't mean to come off that way. Just remember that she is still the same person you knew.

 

[Princesca]

I can't imagine that it could ever be a bad idea to plan a trip to support family members going through a challenging time. It's nice of you to be willing to do that.

 

[OKW Lover]

Also wanted to caution you that doing a Google search on transgender can quickly lead you to some websites that are xxx rated. Be sure your safe-search options are set to moderate or higher.

 

[DrGaellon]

The International Foundation for Gender Education may be able to offer some resources. The World Professional Association for Transgender Health doesn't offer much on their website (I looked) unless you are a professional (i.e. doctor, nurse, psychologist, social worker) and a member.

 

[jharrowell]

Hi,

I've experience of this from the other side of the looking glass as it were, as the person transitioning. I won't cover the more technical aspects as other people have done a great job of that already, but I can cover a couple of things that come to mind.

If the operation is later this year then your niece should have transitioned and be living full time as a female, so the female pronouns are appropriate.

Adding to that, if she's anything like me, it's the post transition but pre op stage in which you get the most touchy about pronouns, and the correct post transition name. I know this doesn't help you in this situation but I thought I'd give you an FYI. Conversely, now I'm post op (very post op, over a decade in fact) things like that don't bother me. Back in the day I'd cringe every time I heard 'mate' or 'dude' but nowadays I just don't give a fig. But I'm digressing.

The feeling of loss is actually quite normal. Some people say it is akin to that person dying. It sounds bad but sometimes it's hard for somebody to equate the person in front of them with the person that came before. So your SIL shouldn't beat themselves up over that. But it helps to remember that apart from certain traits that will have now vanished it's still the same person inside. In fact, you're probably seeing a truer reflection of their personality than you've ever seen before.

As to going to DC. You would not believe how much your being there will mean to your niece and your SIL. Trust me, one of the biggest fears for a transitioning TG is losing everyone you care about.

For me it was mixed results in that I managed to keep my mother's side of the family but was ostracized by my father's half.

Oh, another thing is don't get gender and sexuality mixed up. Transitioning and being a woman doesn't mean that your niece is into guys. It might do, but it's not a given. You wouldn't believe the amount of post op MtF TGs I know who are now female lesbians. Me being the total freakazoid that I am, am Bi but happily married to another post op MtF TG. Hey, I like to mix it up! lol!

The bottom line is that you may not understand what your new niece is doing or why, but as long as you can accept and love them it's all good.

Open dialogue is a must. Don't just clam up, that way lies misunderstandings and false assumptions.

Remember, False assumptions lead to anger, anger leads to hate and hate to the dark side leads... Wait, no, that's Star Wars. Well maybe it applies here too.

I don't know if this is much help and I've obviously been a bit vague, but if there's anything specific you want to ask, fire me a PM and we can swap emails.

EDIT:

One last thing, as to telling the inlaws; don't let age make you assume they'll be unaccepting. True they're part of an older, more conservative generation but it's the individual personality that's the issue, not the age. The most accepting and the quickest to come round in my family was my nan (R.I.P. Lova Ya Nan! xxx), and she was my rock. Her reaction when I told her was so matter of fact, something akin to "Oh, I thought it was that you were gay. Want another cuppa dear?". Yeah, some job I did of hiding that eh?! Sometimes older really does mean wiser...

 

[jharrowell]

Also wanted to caution you that doing a Google search on transgender can quickly lead you to some websites that are xxx rated. Be sure your safe-search options are set to moderate or higher.

Agreed. The first time I tried that I ended up on, well let's just say the website name started 'chickswith' and leave it at that. Ewww...

 

[lisajl]

1. THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart!

2. All the info you have given me is much better than where I was Thur night and yesterday. I have been lost.

3. I am going to have my DH call his sister tonight and see if she would like
us to be there for her and "Natalie" as well-for the surgery.

4. The pronouns-yes, I will stay with she!

5. "Natalie" has been transitioning, I believe, for over a year.--Got a new job, changed name, hormone treatment, etc. It may be closer to two years.
I have not seen her in a little over two years.

6. Thanks for the info about the websites-that is why I said I could not find anything on line that answered my questions. Luckily, I was not diverted to the site you spoke of! LOL!!!

7. @ Jharrowell-I am not concerned about her sexuality--I have a daughter that is gay, a niece that is gay and there was a cousin as well.
I don't care who she is with as long as she is happy and well taken care of.
That is the same way I feel about my daughter. She and her partner have been together 7 years and if my DD is happy, I am happy. You love who you love-period.

8. You ALL have been so helpful-this really means a lot to me.
Thanks!

 

[jharrowell]

7. @ Jharrowell-I am not concerned about her sexuality--I have a daughter that is gay, a niece that is gay and there was a cousin as well.
I don't care who she is with as long as she is happy and well taken care of.
That is the same way I feel about my daughter. She and her partner have been together 7 years and if my DD is happy, I am happy. You love who you love-period.

I wasn't worried that you'd be concerned, after reading your posts it's obvious that you are understanding and supportive. The main reason for mentioning sexuality was that a lot of people honestly think that being TG is that the person is gay and wants to be with a man as a woman. Obviously that can cause confusion, which leads to the misunderstandings and me being able to steal Star Wars lines.

It sounds to me like you pretty much got this covered all by yourself.

Lisa, it sounds like Natalie has a wonderful Aunt.

 

[lisajl]

I wasn't worried that you'd be concerned, after reading your posts it's obvious that you are understanding and supportive. The main reason for mentioning sexuality was that a lot of people honestly think that being TG is that the person is gay and wants to be with a man as a woman. Obviously that can cause confusion, which leads to the misunderstandings and me being able to steal Star Wars lines.

It sounds to me like you pretty much got this covered all by yourself.

Lisa, it sounds like Natalie has a wonderful Aunt.

Thank you! I appreciate you explaining that to me. I was not even thinking of that. I am sure there will be many questions, I need to talk to Natalie about this. I want to make sure all things are good with my SIL before we proceed.

 

[rosiep]

http://www.transactiveonline.org/index.php

Great organization here in Portland, if you contact them they will help you find a support group in your area.

 

[lisajl]

Thanks for the link. I will also share this with SIL. I hope it will help her move along with this.

 

[Heva2015]

I don't have too much to add but I think Natalie has a wonderful, supportive family structure so she won't go too far wrong.

I've always found in my life experiences that the best people to get the information from are the people going through it, I have some amazing friends who are M to F transgender and they've always welcomed my (sometimes stupid) questions.

I don't know if it is on you tube or anything but we just had this fabulous series on television called 'my transexual summer' which was so insightful.

 

[lisajl]

Thank you! I will look for it.

 

[Heva2015]

Thank you! I will look for it.

Found the link -
http://www.youtube.com/show?p=UBKSGI78wqU&tracker=show_av

 

[NEDisneyFans]

My cousin and his wife are going through this with their oldest child (female-to-male); this article was helpful to them:

http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/20...simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html

Your niece is lucky to have such a supportive family!

 

[lisajl]

My cousin and his wife are going through this with their oldest child (female-to-male); this article was helpful to them:

http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/20...simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html

Your niece is lucky to have such a supportive family!

Thank you for the info! I hope your cousin and his wife are doing well with thier family.

Natalie is doing well. Her sisters are still not very happy about what she has done. Her mom is more accepting, dad is too. Her grandmothers have been very hesitant about all of this. My MIL has been more accepting than the other grandmother. I have not spoken to my MIL since she was at my SILs house for Christmas. Natalie was there. My MIL was afraid she would not be able to handle "seeing" her granddaughter. I trust everything went well since we have not heard anything about it.

Thanks again for all the help you have sent my way.

Lisa