Question about remarriage of a parent

[Hillbeans]

Ok, I know my Dad just started getting back into the dating game (he's going to be 71) and I have a question.

How, if any way, do you handle the family finances if a parent remarries? My Mom and Dad aquired a lot during their married live and own their house outright. The house alone is worth close to 500,000 and he is the sole heir to his stepfather's (87) house and other funds.

He just started dating this mystery woman, and I'm so worried that if my dad hooks up with the wrong lady and gets married, this person who we all don't know would inherit everything my mother and father worked for their whole lives. I know this may sound selfish, but I've always had a dream of remodeling and living in my parent's house because it's in such a beautiful area. I just would die if someone else's "family" took over this house they'd owned for close to 40 years. Please advise and thanks!

EDIT TO ADD THAT MY MOM PASSED AWAY LAST AUGUST.

 

[stinkerbelle]

pre-nup

 

[danacara]

I think, honestly, you'll have to cringe and take it, i.e., hope for the best. If he decides to get remarried, she has a legitimate claim to that house. Financial planners would have a better command of this, but I do know that there is a legal option available that allows a surviving spouse to stay in a house until their death, at which time it is passed down to the kids. If the spouse decides to leave early, the house is sold, and assets are passed to the kids. Do you have any reason to doubt the mental health or competence of your father?

 

[Keli]

I can understand your feelings but really it is up to your dad to take the steps to keep the finances seperate should he remarry and to have a pre-nup agreement. Other than talking to him about it there really isn't much you can do.

 

[WDWHound]

My mom re-married and, if she dies before my step Dad, he will inherit everything. Thats the way it should be in my opinion. Its my Mom's property (now their property I suppose) and she should do with it what works best for the marriage. If I inherit some of it, great. If not, well it was never mine to begin with.

As for pre-nups, I guess thats an option, but only if your Mom is concerned about it. I would rather lose a possible inheritance than have my mom's marraige weather the stress a pre-nup can cause.

Also, at your Dad's age, I'm sure he is capable of finding someone he can trust to marry. You may need to learn to trust his judgement and experience. How would you react if he questioned your judgement in the same way?

 

[SC Minnie]

ditto--pre-nup

If he is talking marriage insists that he get one. Both my parents remarried within the past 2 years. DM and her new DH had a prenup stating that whatever they had before marriage would go to the respective children upon their deaths. He moved into her home and their is a stipulation that if she predeceases him, he can live there until his death. My Mom lives on over 50 acres of land that belonged to my Grandparents and she wanted to make sure that it got passed down to her grandchildren.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

If it ever did get to the point of marriage, you could certainly advise your Dad to meet with a competant Estate Planning attorney to redo his will. I personally would feel very uncomfortable telling my parents whom they should leave their money or assets to, but my Mom is flat broke so that is probably easier for me to say. You do need to keep in mind that your Dad will of course want to provide for any woman that he loves enough to marry, regardless of her age. He very well could envision leaving her the house --- but he might also stipulate that upon her death it will pass to you. There are several ways to accomplish that.

Anyway, a competant Planner will walk both your Dad and any future wife through the complexities of getting what they want done with their money down on paper.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

If you really want to own your childhood home, talk to your father. He could sign a quit claim deed that would give you the house. You could let him live in the home until his death. My father signed a quit claim deed for my mother when he knew he was dying.

Lori

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by danacara
I think, honestly, you'll have to cringe and take it, i.e., hope for the best. If he decides to get remarried, she has a legitimate claim to that house. Financial planners would have a better command of this, but I do know that there is a legal option available that allows a surviving spouse to stay in a house until their death, at which time it is passed down to the kids. If the spouse decides to leave early, the house is sold, and assets are passed to the kids. Do you have any reason to doubt the mental health or competence of your father?

Hmm...that's an interesting option.

Lets just say this...my mom was the keeper of all things financial during their marriage. She paid every bill, saved every penny, and got their mortgage paid off early years ago. My dad is semi-retired, gets a great pension, SS check, and works 24 hours a week. He's got a lot of money coming in and that's not common for a lot of people in their 70's. He's looking for a companion, and he's quite frisky for his age (barf). I'd almost rather he date 4 people than settle down with one.

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by Toby'sFriend
You do need to keep in mind that your Dad will of course want to provide for any woman that he loves enough to marry, regardless of her age. He very well could envision leaving her the house --- but he might also stipulate that upon her death it will pass to you. .

Thanks for the advice.

The thing is that my parents were married 43 years and even if he does remarry, he's already got everything set in his will to be buried next to my mother. This may sound selfish, but I'd always expected them to be "with each other" for all eternity.

I want my father to be happy and to enjoy his twilight years, and if for some reason he does get very serious with another woman i'll discuss it with him. I have a great relationship with my dad and I know he'd be receptive to what my mother and him would want him to do for their children and grandchildren. I'd also expect that if he did remarry, that spouse would be entitled to something, just not everything.

 

[thumpersfriend]

My step day had an irrevocable trust made out and basically disinherited her because she is not the mother of his children. He is 83 and she is 75. They married twice to each other. He has been taking advantage of her, such as insisting she pay half of all the expenses even though she has only half as much of the income coming in. I get really upset about this because she will not be able to get a penny to live off of from him. I think he is worried that she would die and then leave it to us. I don't want a penny but I think he should have provided for her until her death. I hear a irrevocable trust cannot be broken. So your father could do this but a decent man would provide for his spouse somehow. Good luck. Anybody know if this could be broken? She says it can't. So now she just has bitter feelings toward him.

 

[WDWHound]

Originally posted by Hillbeans
TI'd also expect that if he did remarry, that spouse would be entitled to something, just not everything.

I am curious. Why shouldn't she be entitled to everything if that is what your Dad wants? I'm not trying to hound you here (i realize my first post may have come off a bit harsh), but I honestly don't understand.

 

[Christine]

This has happened to a friend of mine.

Her mother died when she and her sister were still in college (dad was in his 50s). He remarried a few years later to a woman who also had grown children of her own. The had new wills drawn up stipulating that all property will be split equally between all the children. My friend has a problem with this because she feels that her dad brought much more to the new marriage financially and that the stepmothers children should not be entitled to some of the things/money that her mother was responsible for earning. But there is nothing she can do about it and her dad doesn't want to hurt the feelings of his new wife and stepchildren. It has caused some resentments.

 

[PamOKW]

Seperate from the marriage issue, your dad should sit down with a lawyer with expertise in elder law and estate planning. Most vibrant 70 year olds don't want to admit that something could happen to them until it's too late to do any planning.

If your dad were to get sick and require full-time nursing care, your dreams of living in your family home could end much quicker than any marriage would end them.


When and if he does marry again, he should again visit a lawyer and make sure everything is in order. WDWHound has a very healthy attitude -- it is his life and his assets. Hopefully, he'll spend every cent enjoying himself and if that includes having someone who loves him, all the better. If he's lucky enough to find someone who really does love him, you may be very grateful to someday have someone who is taking care of him while he is sick.

It could be that the woman he eventually marries and her children have the same concerns you do and will want to preserve her assets from passing to your father and his children. Many times they both sell their homes and create a new home together. I wouldn't be making big plans for your family home unless you are willing to make Dad an offer on purchasing it.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

This may sound selfish, but I'd always expected them to be "with each other" for all eternity.

Selfish maybe, but I think your feelings are very natural and very human. I know my Mother went through very similar pain when her Father (My Grandpa) remarried when he was in his 70's. She just could never accept "that woman" living in her Mom's house.

I honestly think though that her feelings had maybe not so much to do with the money but with the pain she felt every time she looked at Grandpa's new wife and realized all over again that her Mother was gone. I've heard many similar stories from friends -- I think it is becoming more common as people live longer and more active lives well into their Seventies and Eighties.

Regardless you do have to realize that what you expect and what your Father wants could very well be two very different things. And when all is said and done it is his money and his wishes take absolute priority. I get very sad when I see families torn apart over these issues, and that really does happen all too often.

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by WDWHound
I am curious. Why shouldn't she be entitled to everything if that is what your Dad wants? I'm not trying to hound you here (i realize my first post may have come off a bit harsh), but I honestly don't understand.

Well he's not said he "wants" this, but he's going on his 3rd date with this person and he met her at a singles dance. I don't know this person from a stranger on the street. He's not mentioned marriage, but he is lonely and would like a lady friend to do things with, whether that includes marriage in the future I don't know. What I do know is that I take care of my dad, clean his house, cook for him on occasion,etc. I make sure he's taken care of.

In addition, my dad has heart troubles, and no offense, but there are lots of people out there who take advantage of rich older men with bad tickers.

I expect I should probably speak with my dad about this sooner rather than later. Thanks for the honest advice.

 

[SC Minnie]

If you want the house be prepared to buy it. When Mom's new husband decided to move into her house his oldest son asked if he could have the house. There are 2 other grown children so the Dad said yes as long as you buy out the other 2's part. He didn't want to do that so he sold it to someone else.

 

[ScarlettO]

When My Mom remarried at age 68, they went to the lawyer's and kept their possessions seperate. They kept both houses-his is used as his Gardening center-he sells his veggies at the farmer's market. He has 6 kids, Mom has 4. When one of them passes-the other will move to his/her home and the surviving kids of the deceased split that estate.

 

[Skywalker]

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. After her mother's death, her father remarried at age 70. Well, he lived another 20 years, happily married to this new woman! He was quite well off and at the will reading he left everything to...yes, his wife. My friend was a little bit hurt, but after 20 years I guess he figured that is how it should be. Now, when the wife passes on, will my friend be remembered in her will or will it only be her blood children? Only time will tell. It is so hard to discuss these things with a parent without sounding like a greedy vulture though!

 

[HollyJoy]

You might want to talk to your father about putting you (or a sibling of yours?) in charge of his will, so that any changes would have to go through you. My Great Uncle had a neighbor lady come in to take care of him, and while he wasn't in his right mind, had him change his will, leaving her with it all. The family didn't even get pictures!