Question about remarriage of a parent

[Snowysmom]

I can totally understand what you are going through. My dad remarried after my mother died. I tried to talk to my father before the wedding to tell him I would like some of my mother's jewelry just for sentimental reasons. He got furious with me. Well, she took all my mother's good jewelry (engagement ring and diamond wedding band) and tossed the tidbits my way. Her name got put on the deed to the house. She decided to divorce him and said she would let him buy her out for $20,000 cash. He got off cheap! Later she told him she should have held out for more. After that, he lived with a woman for years. She told me they were keeping everything separate for each family. Come to find out, she was keeping her money separate while my father was leaving everything to her. He even put her name on the deed to the house. Now, they were not married. My mother was responsible for alot of what my dad had -money for the house, stocks, etc. I found this all out because she ended up passing away and 2 years later my father decided he needed to change his will back to leaving everything to my brother and I. I am not a money hound but I did not want to see her and her family get everything my parents worked for, especially my mother. And I do realize he could leave it to whoever he wanted to but I did not think it was right to leave out his kids and grandkids. There are alot of sentimental items in his house that I would like to have to remember my mother. His ex-wife already stole her good jewelry. I have a friend who went through something similar and she and her father are just getting back on speaking terms. (Her family did not like the new wife at all!) It is a difficult situation but maybe your dad could talk with a financial advisor for seniors to be sure everything is in order now. Good luck!

 

[safetymom]

Before my parents died I thought having some of their belongings was something I should have.

After they died I realized that all the belongings in the world weren't going to bring my parents back.

If parents find someone that makes them happy we should be happy for them.

I also agree how would all of you feel if your parents started telling you what you should do with your husband/wife belongings?

 

[Kristi1357]

We have a similar problem (in a way) with my grandfather who lives in Canada. My grandmother died about 10 or so years ago. His plan (as well as my grandmother's plan for him) was that he was to sell their home and move back to NH to be near his family (no family in Nova Scotia).

Anyway, he went back to Canada to fix up the house for sale after DGM's death - met a woman down the road and stayed in Nova Scotia. This is perfectly fine, he should have companionship. She moved into his house with him. I wished they would have at least moved to Maine or something so we could see them and help them more since they both now have many medical issues.

Anyway, DGF doesn't have any significant money, but he does own the house. My Dad has asked MANY times - what happens to the house when you are no longer here? He just says it's in his will and he knows we will take care of Lillian (his girlfriend/companion). Huh?!

We are pretty sure he gave the house to her. They are not married. But when I went up to visit in May, I noticed some medical papers he had out on the coffee table labelled her as "spouse."

When they were first together, they were so cute and in love! It was nice to see after he had such a hard time with DGM passing. But now, she is a total control-freak. She tells him not to take his meds, that he can't do things like take a walk (which he can, but she makes him think he can't, that he'll fall), etc. It's a horrible situation now, and he won't listen to us.

Sorry - didn't mean to go so OT. But I can relate to what you are worried could happen down the road. If your Dad will listen, have him set up his estate, so at least no one can "take over" down the road. Even if you don't agree with his wishes. Unfortunately, my GF won't listen and when he does pass one day - it's going to be an absolute mess. Not only with the girlfriend, but he lives in another country for goodness sake!

 

[Maleficent13]

Originally posted by safetymom
Before my parents died I thought having some of their belongings was something I should have.

After they died I realized that all the belongings in the world weren't going to bring my parents back.

If parents find someone that makes them happy we should be happy for them.

I also agree how would all of you feel if your parents started telling you what you should do with your husband/wife belongings?

This is the best statement I've seen on this thread. And also, it makes me sad to think that there is resentment and hard feelings between families because someone made a wrong decision.

My grandfather remarried 8 months after my grandmother died (they'd been married almost 50 years). He was desperately lonely. He married a woman no one in my family liked. Suddenly, my grandpa, who'd never been out of Podunk, OH (except the occasional trip to WDW) was taking cruises to Alaska, going to Europe, and having the time of his life. And yes, he was footing the bill for all of it. Once he said something to my dad, and my dad's response was "Spend it all, Dad. We don't want it."

My grandpa's been dead 5 years now, and when we think about him, we remember all the wonderful times he had, and we laugh about the memories, and we don't care about how we thought the second wife was awful, or that there was no inheritance. All we care about is that our dad/grandpa was happy, and that makes us happy.

JMO.

 

[PamOKW]

Originally posted by Tantorini
the will which had been updated 7weeks prior.. left my father and my aunt $1 each.
$1 is just hurtful.

I agree that this is tough to swallow. It might help to understand that because he didn't choose to leave anything to them, he still had to make some mention of them. If he just ignored them completely, they would have a basis to challenge the will and say it was a mistake that they weren't mentioned. Rather than leaving $1, he could have included some type of explanation why they weren't getting any monetary amount.

Hillbeans -- Rather than just worrying about a golddigger, I think you should approach your dad about an overall plan. "Nursing home insurance" is a long-term care policy. The longer he waits to get one the greater his chances are for being denied coverage and for paying a higher premium. In our area, nursing home costs start at about $10,000 per month so you can see why I caution that a golddigger isn't the only thing that would eat away the inheritance. If he has assets of $1 million plus you really need to get a complete financial plan in order. You should also be sure that he has completed a health directive and appointed someone to make medical decisions on his behalf. You might also want to approach him about giving someone a durable power of attorney. In a nutshell, with or without you, he should consult an elder care lawyer now while he is in good health.

 

[Shugardrawers]

My grandfather remarried after my grandma died. There was always something I just couldn't put my finger on about her. As he was dying someone suggested she get an attorney. Her daughter told her she didn't need one since she was entitled to everything as the surviving widow since there was no will. Grandpa had provided well for his children after his death. They had a verbal agreement that what was his was his and what was hers was hers. Turns out that she really had nothing prior to the marriage (she had said her last husband left her well off). In the end, everything went to his widow. The annuity from the house he'd purchased 57 years ago and sold before grandmas death (over $200,000), both his cars which he'd promised to my mother and I, his computers which he'd promised to me, EVERYTHING went to her. We didn't even get a keepsake. People of that generation are far more trusting of their spouses than we are. You may have a really hard time getting him to agree to a pre nup if he remarries. At the very least he needs to have a will in place. A will would have saved us all a lot of grief. In the state he lived in, without a will, everything goes automatically to the widow. There was no fighting it. If it comes to marriage, no matter how much he doesn't want to think about it, convince him he needs a will at the very least.

 

[Figaro]

My great uncle remarried very soon after his wife of 50 plus years died because he didn't want to be alone. And what a mess that marriage caused! Because she had married him for the money and a good time, when he became ill, she dumped him back off at his oldest daughters home and said she wasn't going to take care of him. And off she went selling the homes and other assets and taking the money. She also tried to destroy the family business, but fortunately that was tied up in a trust she couldn't break.

Which is a pattern I've watched happen a number of times. There is a big difference in long term marriages where both people married, raised a family and grew up together. They are in it for the long haul and take the part of the wedding vows "in sickness and in health" pretty seriously.

When marriages are an exchange of youth and beauty for money and lifestyle, the bargain often ends when one spouse becomes ill. A friend of my brothers whose mom died of breast cancer and when his dad (who remarried) developed alzheimers, she dumped him off at his oldest sons house, told the son that she hadn't signed on for this kind of marriage, filed for divorce and took half of what he had. They'd been married for 18 months at the time. And it was an absolute MESS trying to sort everything out and make sure that their dad got the kind of care that he needed and deserved.

It is just plain old common sense to meet with an attorney who has a lot more experience in what happens in these kinds of marriages in order to protect yourself and your children.

My grandmother was widowed three times (raised the children from her second husbands first marriage since there was no family left) with her own money. When she married her last husband (who died before her of hodgkins), they both saw an attorney and wrote a will that would leave her a house that they bought together, the contents of the house except for items that he wanted to go to his children and a couple of CD's. She was taken care of, but the bulk of his estate went to his children which was fine with everyone.

If someone is marrying the other person to share a life they aren't going to be in the least upset about setting up a prenup that will protect the assets while making sure that the estate goes to the children. If they are mostly looking for money, I can guarantee you that they will NOT be happy with any kind of prenup.

 

[gina2000]

I believe in protecting assets but if a person remarries, I also believe that the remaining spouse should have some income from that marriage if there is any to be had. It shouldn't be all one way....the widow/widower inherits everything and cuts out the direct descendants or vice versa.

If a mother has jewelry, I do believe it should go to the children if she dies and her spouse remarries. There are some memories and keepsakes that are just so personal, so intimate and mean so much to the surviving children. To see them go to another woman is difficult and heartwrenching. Alot of hurt and heartbreak could be prevented if some of those type items are given to the children at the mother's death or left in a will to the children.

 

[Dancind]

Snowysmom, sounds like your Dad and mine found the same woman. What a nightmare that was! At least I have my Mom's wedding ring, but I'd certainly rather have her back. She was a wonderful Grandma, my daughter doesn't really have a Grandparent. Dad is living in Nevada, DH's parent's don't really like Grandkids, they like dogs.

I read those articles about Baby Boomers who stand to receive large inheritances and I think, better hope their parent's don't remarry! I know my Mom would kill my Dad for what he's done with her money. But there's a lesson for you. You may think you know your spouse really well, and you "know" they would provide for your children and grandchildren according to your wishes. Don't count on it. Write a will.

 

[luvwinnie]

I think I have fresh perspective on this since my mom passed away on July 12. I can certainly see how you wouldn't want something the parent who is no longer here worked so hard for to go to a new spouse..esp if that person is less than admirable. My mom scrimped and saved and did without so that her kids and grandkids would have something (they don't have a lot certainly) to inherit. That was important to her...and I'd be FURIOUS if someone tried to claim it as their own.