Question about remarriage of a parent

[septbride2002]

New Jersey is a Community Property state which means that if he was to marry and kept his new wife's name off the title of the home - she would still have the right to 50% of the value.

The best thing to do - is be honest about how your feel. My DH is having to deal with this as well because of divorce. His father bought lots of nice things for his mom while they were married. She is now remarried to a man with 2 older kids - they have their will split up so that everything is shared amongst the children - including jewlery and things his father bought. He doesn't feel that his step-sibilings have any rights to those things.

~Amanda

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by HollyJoy
You might want to talk to your father about putting you (or a sibling of yours?) in charge of his will, so that any changes would have to go through you. My Great Uncle had a neighbor lady come in to take care of him, and while he wasn't in his right mind, had him change his will, leaving her with it all. The family didn't even get pictures!

Thanks for the advice HollyJoy.

Unfortunately those things happen, people take advantage of people not in their right mind. My dad is about 85% in his right mind - LOL.

No one knows how long someone will be married. If he does remarry at some point, he could be married for one day or 30 years. WDWHound, someone's good judgement can be clouded over if someone is giving them the snowjob. I would expect my father to tell me (as he's done in the past) if he thinks i'm making a mistake. If your older parent had over a million dollars in assets you'd tell me you'd not be nervous about someone taking advantage of them for their money?

And i'm more than willing, if my dad at some point decides to marry and move, to make an offer on his house. I'm not looking for a handout and I want my dad to live his twilight years enjoying life and spending his money. I just worry, that's all. If he had nothing and this person had nothing, i'd not worry. That's not the case.

 

[Dancind]

Well, you can't make your Dad do anything as long as he's mentally competent. Sometimes even suggesting it will cause a breach between you. You'll just have to follow his lead, if he brings it up, ask him what he has planned.

My Dad remarried 10 months after my Mother died. Most of the wealth was due to Mom having owned a real estate company. Dad had a prenup, but the new wife hounded him about it, they only stayed married about 6 months. Partly because he was afraid of her, he gave this woman a house, a new car, and paid off all her credit card bills when they divorced (over $250k). Now the part that really tore me up, she kept my Mother's china, flatware, and crystal, things Mom definately wanted my SIL and I to have. Dad didn't sell the home until he was planning to remarry, and the new wife went through the house and told him what they should keep, before he invited us in to choose. So you might want to ask your Dad about some of your Mother's personal posessions before he marries. The way this is handled by his new lady will give you a clue.

My Dad is now living with someone. We actually like her. I don't think there's much money to worry about anymore, he's a compulsive gambler. At least you don't have THAT problem.

Best of luck. Just try to stay on good terms with your Dad.

 

[mom2grace]

My parents divorced when I was about 21, my dad has some money.....I don't really know how much, but he is generous to a fault and came up with $100K cash overnight.

He remarried a woman his age (mid-50's then) and he has a trust (I think that's what it's called) that says that if she outlives him, she can remain in the house (my father's before the marriage) and we (DS and I) must maintain the house from the estate until she remarries or dies. All of the assets come to my sister and me.

She also has 2 grown sons, one is a Marine and very responsible, the other is not. They will inherit nothing or little from my dad's estate (maybe he left them something). I did read the trust when it was drawn up, my dad offered to let us read it.

Honestly, what it did for my sister and I was to give us peace of mind that my dad wasn't abandoning us for another family and we would be protected and taken care of. I care mostly for my children, like most children, I would rather have my dad that all the money I wanted!

Good luck!

I second the advice to get what you want of what was your mother's NOW!!!!!!

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by mom2grace


Honestly, what it did for my sister and I was to give us peace of mind that my dad wasn't abandoning us for another family and we would be protected and taken care of. I care mostly for my children, like most children, I would rather have my dad that all the money I wanted!

I agree. Well said.

 

[wuv tigger]

Similar thing happened in my family after my Mom died and Dad remarried. A little different because my Dad is well off, but the woman he married owns a business and is worth +$1,000,000.

Had an honest talk to let him know that I do not care what he does with his money - it's his after all. What I do expect is a clear understanding of what everyones intentions are. I do not want to be fighting with another family over assets because it is not clear.

What they decided to do was contribute an equal amount to establish their new life and leave the other assets to their previous families through their wills and legal agreements. I do not know what NY requires, but they worked it out with an attorney.

I think you need to communicate your concerns with your dad.

David

 

[SC Minnie]

wuv tigger said it best.

When Mom remarried that was what they did. They only dated about 6 months (knew each other for 30+ years through church) and didn't want any of the children to think that either had other motives.

Neither my brother or I want her money but there are none monetary things that Mom wanted to make sure stayed in our family.

On a side note-- Dad remarried earlier this year and he has less than nothing. Even the house he lives in has Mom's name on it . He has always been reckless with money. A few months ago he had a lawyer contact Mom and ask her to take her name off the house (this was my Greatgrandparent's home). We all think it was his new wife's idea. Mom told the lawyer that she had signed for him to take out a mortgage on the house several years before and this was news to the lawyer. It hasn't been brought up since. Hillbeans-- in my Dad's case I would be just as concerned as you are IF he had any money (he blew all of it on women years ago ).

 

[Chicago526]

Well, it's only the 3rd date, afterall! Maybe he just wants a lady friend for company. And maybe she's a nice women, and not someone looking for a sugar daddy with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

I'd at least try to meet the woman and get a feel for how the relationship is going before saying anything to your dad. Once you have a little more info to go on, you can decide when, if, and how to bring it up.

Seperate from his dating, someone else sugested you find out if he has a will or trust anyway-I agree and second that thought. You don't want to find out after the funeral that he left it all to the squirel in the back yard or something. Worse, if he has no will, then the estate has to go through probate and the lawyers will get it all, plus it could take months or years to sort out.

My parents (both alive and married to each other, thank goodness!) sat down with my two brothers and I and told us what they'd done. They have a living trust, so upon their deaths their estate is split equally between us, and the trust is in our names, not "our children" so some one else can't claim to be a child from an affair or something (I guess that happens sometimes, people read of deaths in obits and get just enough info to try to claim some stranger is their real parent and try to get in on the inheritance. People make me sick sometimes.) Even if one dies and the other re-marries, the survivor has to actually change the trust to include the new spouse, it would not be automatic that the new spouse received any pre-marital assests.

Also, my parents have nursing home insurance. This covers a lot of options if one or both need either in home assistance, an assisted living home, or a full nursing home. It pays for almost everything, so it won't drain their retirement savings. It turned into a blessing, for a few years after signing up for it, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson's. When the time comes that my mom can't take care of my dad by herself, she won't go bankrupt trying to get in-home nursing help or paying for a home. (Right now he's fine, the medication is working wonders!).

As touchy a subject as this is, you need to at least find out if there IS a will. How he decides who and how much he's leaving his estate to is his buisness, but he should at least let you know if one exisists and where all the important papers a located so you don't have to serch for them upon his passing.

 

[safetymom]

I think you are still dealing with the death of your mother and it is hard for you to see your father dating.

After my husband passed away I got lot of comments when I started to date after a year. It never led to anything but enjoyable times and it may be the same way for your father.

Not to be insensitive but it is your fathers decision. It wouldn't hurt to mention pre- nups to him but it is up to him since he is the one that lost the love of his life.

You are both grieving but in different ways. Your father deserves to be happy again. Time does heal all wounds.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Hillbeans, I don't blame you for being worried. True, the house belongs to your dad and he is free to do with it as he pleases, but, let's face it, if he and your mom died and neither one remarried, you would probably be getting the house. If you're able, talk to your dad about your concerns.
I am 50, divorced, own my own home, and will come into a sizeable inheritance when DM is gone I am not even considering remarriage so I can protect my assets for my 2 DSs.
I don't think you're being selfish at all.


TC

 

[Cindy B]

My MIL passed away this past september. Her will stipulated that her current husband (not my FIL) could only stay for 6 months after her death, and from there the husband had to find another home.

The husband passed away before she did, so that situation never came to fruition.

 

[Tantorini]

it's a really tough scenario.. but it does happen..

My widowed grandfather met a "nice" woman at a singles dance... he was fairly well off, owned a home and a business, and had always had good relationships with his two children...

he "eloped" 3months after meeting this "nice" woman.. when he passed away 4yrs later (stomach cancer).. the will which had been updated 7weeks prior.. left my father and my aunt $1 each.

They were not allowed any of their mother's posessions still in the home, they were not allowed any of their father's items. Nothing would have been less insluting than $1. $1 is just hurtful.

It was a horrible, horrible experience for all of us - and we know that this "nice" woman has since met two more men and has a very "nice" life... too bad she doesn't care about the wake she leaves..

yeah it's a long shot.. chances are everything is fine.. but having seen the other side of the coin.. it's best to be ready

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by Chicago526
Well, it's only the 3rd date, afterall! Maybe he just wants a lady friend for company. And maybe she's a nice women, and not someone looking for a sugar daddy with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

LOL Chicago526, I got a laugh out of that one!!


Seperate from his dating, someone else sugested you find out if he has a will or trust anyway-I agree and second that thought. You don't want to find out after the funeral that he left it all to the squirel in the back yard or something. Also, my parents have nursing home insurance.
.

Both great ideas, thanks. I've not heard of Nursing Home Insurance.

I do know where all the will papers are as we had located them in my mom's safe deposit box upon her passing. Everything was made out to my dad, and his to my brother and myself each split at 50%. My brother has his own issues with money and doesn't deal with my dad's dating at all, so it's up to me to keep an eye on things. I'm the financial planner of the group.

 

[Disney Doll]

These are such sticky situations, because it always looks like oyu're being a gold-digger vulture, which I understand you're not, but that's the way it always comes out, no matter what.

I think you should talk to your dad about making usre his financial picture is in order now, while he is healthy and alert.

You'd like to think that he's take care of his children and grandchildren, but people are funny whenthey are grieving, easily led sometimes.

Our friend's father did this same thing. His Mom doied, he married the cocktail waitress form the yacht club a few months later(he didn't like being alone). When he died, she got everything, and it was another one of those situations where the will was changed shortly before his death.

When my IL's died, I wasn't as much interested in the money aspect as the sentimental value items aspect.

 

[Aimeedyan]

My 80 year old grandfather has fallen in love with a woman that we all simply ADORE - they have known each other since they were in the newly married class together (with their prospective spouses) in their early twenties. Both now are single and have fallen in love.

Neither one of them will marry each other, because they don't want to mess with this very issue. They both love and adore their own children and families too much to deal with having a sheet of paper that declares them married. They spend practically every waking hour together, travel together, etc - just like a married couple, but without the paper.

So it is possible that your dad will opt to do the same, I know many elderly people do just that... companionship is there, just not legal documents.

BTW= when it became apparent how smitten my granddaddy became with her, my mom finally raised the question, because she, too, was concerned about the financial/property mess it would create. My granddaddy quickly reassured her that they had spoken at length about it, and felt it was not worth the hassle to go through a legal marriage, but instead would just live out the rest of their lives together...

Just a thought

I think that you will not likely lose anything by simply approaching your dad about your concerns for him... most dads can take those kind of questions/concerns as just their children loving and protecting them. I would approach my dad in a heartbeat. I know how much peace my mom had after just asking my granddaddy about it =)

 

[WDWHound]

Originally posted by Aimeedyan
So it is possible that your dad will opt to do the same, I know many elderly people do just that... companionship is there, just not legal documents.

This wont work in all states. In Texas, for example, once a couple lives together for 1 year they are considered married by the state (no documents required). This means unless there is a will stating otherwise, community property laws can kick in.

 

[Aimeedyan]

He lives in Texas, but they don't live together... they each have kept their own homes, have not combined things, or anything but spend nights together often, travel together, etc.

They don't share a household, just each other's time... he says it'd be too hard to get used to another woman's household habits again anyways =)

 

[totalia]

Uhh, they are just dating. Thats all. Aren't you kind of jumping the gun here?

And the way divorce works in most places is a 50/50 split of everything.

Unless he makes her sign a prenup of course.

 

[yourtravelpro]

Originally posted by WDWHound
My mom re-married and, if she dies before my step Dad, he will inherit everything. Thats the way it should be in my opinion. Its my Mom's property (now their property I suppose) and she should do with it what works best for the marriage. If I inherit some of it, great. If not, well it was never mine to begin with.

As for pre-nups, I guess thats an option, but only if your Mom is concerned about it. I would rather lose a possible inheritance than have my mom's marraige weather the stress a pre-nup can cause.

Also, at your Dad's age, I'm sure he is capable of finding someone he can trust to marry. You may need to learn to trust his judgement and experience. How would you react if he questioned your judgement in the same way?

Great Answer!!!

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by yourtravelpro
Great Answer!!!

After reading these horrible stories of how these old men were "duped" I don't know how you can say it's a good answer. You think i'd be better off letting some cocktail waitress come in and marry my dad for 7 days, weeks or months and inherit a million dollars?? How about these stories where a will was changed when these men were on death's door????

Believe me, i've known some of these women, in fact my hairdresser is one of them. She's always on the lookout for an older man with a bad ticker and one foot in the grave.

I know some of you think i'm looking for a handout, and you are entitled to your opinion because I did ask for it. I need to follow my instincts on this one and look out for my dad and our family. As one poster wrote, it's not about money, but there are also sentimental items involved that i'd be devistated to let go of and not pass down to my kids or my nieces. I will talk with him about this over the weekend. I can't believe that it's not even a year since my mom died and this is what i'm dealing with....I guess you never know what's going to happen. Well, I'll speak with him about it over the weekend and put my mind at ease.