Puzzled!!!

[southernclass]

Over the weekend my fiance and I had his daughter and we had to make a tough call. She was invited to a party with a bunch of kids and it was to be chaperoned as well. The only problem is the adults who were supposed to be watching them were going to be drinking. Her mother said she could go without even knowing the name of the parents where her daughter was to be going. My fi and I did not in any way think this was a place for a 10 year old child but the mother told us if we did not let her go she would not let him see her for a month. What should we do??? Should we call child welfare and let them know what is going on or should we just take the hit and know we did the right thing for his daughter?? This is not the first time something like this has happened. On several occasions, his D has been at someone's house where ratred R movies for the kids was the norm and the mother never said anything and she allowed the child to go back. Also, you know how they say not to wear a wet bathing suit for too long because it can cause yeast infections well guess what else her mother forgot to tell her!!! We had to take her to the doctor Friday to find this out!! What should we do???

 

[Pop Daddy]

I dont know, long post

 

[m&m's mom]

This seems rather punitive of the mother.
Is there any kind of custody agreement? If not it might pay to get one. Sounds like you are looking out for her best interests.

 

[Bob Slydell]

Child welfare?? Why would you call child welfare??

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I would not let her go and I would try to contact child welfare services. Be aware they probably won't do anything, but at least it will be on the record.

 

[Microcell]

I would seek custody of your Fiance's daughter after gathering documentation of this stuff. Fiances daughters mom was threatening to withold visits? If so I would not take it.

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by Bob Slydell
Child welfare?? Why would you call child welfare??

Ditto...just because this woman is being stupid doesn't mean she's ignoring her child. I wouldn't call child welfare on her...they have enough real cases to deal with.

 

[tonyswife]

Calling child welfare should be reserved for actual abuse, not bad parenting choices.

Unless she has full custody and your finacee has no court ordered visitation, she cannot keep her from him. If he does not have such arrangements by court order, he should consider getting them to avoid this situation in the future.

Lastly, what do you mean by "drinking"? If the parents were going to have some of their friends over for cards and a couple of beers while the kids watched a video or something, I see no problem what so ever with that. How is it that you now exactly what was going to happen in that house? Did you call and the chaperone told you, "we plan to get plastered and not properly supervise the children" I'm just curious.

 

[piglet too]

(getting prepared to be flamed....)

Might I ask what is wrong with drinking at the party? I mean if they are not all going to get plasterd, there is no real harm is there? My husband and i will have a drink now and then (maybe 2-3 beers total for DH) on a Friday evening as the kids play in the yard. Does that mean we are bad parents? We let DS (almost 10) watch some of our "R" rated movies with us too. Does that mean we are bad parents?

Yes, if all the adults were going to drink heavily, then that is wrong. But a couple of drinks should not be a problem. Just like there are some "R" movies that really are not that bad for older kids to see. I would not let my DS watch very violent, sexual or extreme language movies, but we let him watch Air Force One and The Patriot.

As for the bathing suit issue, never heard of that one myself. I see the logic behind it, but there is no need to blame.

Now I do not know the whole story behind you DF and his ex's relationship. I feel that she is being a bit extreme in saying she would take away visitation if the girl was not allowed to go to the party. I even have to wonder if she could do that per the court orders on visitation.

Now as for the "what should you do" question. I would make it know to the girls mother that wearing wet bathing suits for too long can cause yeast infections, just in a "just so you know" type manner. As for the party and the movies, since you do not like it, make it a rule for your house. If he can, have your DF make it a rule for whenever he has her. Again, I don't know the story behind that situation.

 

[Pete's Mom]

Who has visitation the day of the party? Is it your fiancee or the child's mom?

 

[southernclass]

Originally posted by m&m's mom
This seems rather punitive of the mother.
Is there any kind of custody agreement? If not it might pay to get one. Sounds like you are looking out for her best interests.

Yes there is a custody agreement, and to answer the question posted underneath this one, Why would I call child welfare?? Um well let's see, we are paying 540.00 a month for a child who is allowed to go to places she should not be, has already had a yeast infection at 10, who thought she was dying last week when she started her period because her mother never explained it and who has not been to the dentist in the past two years, and to top it all off she is left alone with three boys ages 11,13, 16!!! Any other questions??

M's mom--my fiance wants custody of his daughter and I have no objection. Once she is married in October he is planning on taking her back to court. In the meantime, I am not going to sit around and watch this child be neglected while her mother and new step dad party all the time.

 

[southernclass]

Originally posted by tonyswife
Calling child welfare should be reserved for actual abuse, not bad parenting choices.

Unless she has full custody and your finacee has no court ordered visitation, she cannot keep her from him. If he does not have such arrangements by court order, he should consider getting them to avoid this situation in the future.

Lastly, what do you mean by "drinking"? If the parents were going to have some of their friends over for cards and a couple of beers while the kids watched a video or something, I see no problem what so ever with that. How is it that you now exactly what was going to happen in that house? Did you call and the chaperone told you, "we plan to get plastered and not properly supervise the children" I'm just curious.

Actually, his daughter told us everytime she goes over there that their is drinking and although you may not have a problem with this, we certainly do.

We do not want any of our children around alcohol expecially when there are 10-15 kids that need to be watched. We do not drink or smoke around them and we do not want them with children whose parents partake in this.

 

[Bob Slydell]

Originally posted by southernclass
Yes there is a custody agreement, and to answer the question posted underneath this one, Why would I call child welfare?? Um well let's see, we are paying 540.00 a month for a child who is allowed to go to places she should not be, has already had a yeast infection at 10, who thought she was dying last week when she started her period because her mother never explained it and who has not been to the dentist in the past two years, and to top it all off she is left alone with three boys ages 11,13, 16!!! Any other questions??

Yeah, still haven't seen a reason why child welfare should be called.

Custody dispute, maybe, but I don't see anything listed (with the exception of the dentist, maybe) that would be any reason why child welfare should be involved.

 

[southernclass]

Originally posted by Bob Slydell
Yeah, still haven't seen a reason why child welfare should be called.

Custody dispute, maybe, but I don't see anything listed (with the exception of the dentist, maybe) that would be any reason why child welfare should be involved.

Well, I guess that is where we differ because her mother is not fit to take care of her and my fiance certainly is capable. Then again it is not your child who is being neglected.

 

[southernclass]

Originally posted by Pete's Mom
Who has visitation the day of the party? Is it your fiancee or the child's mom?

My fiance and that is the funny part. She tells him he is responsible for her needs when she is with him, so shouldn't that include making sure she is safe????

 

[tonyswife]

After reading more, I want to reitterate not to waste child welfare's time. A yeast infection? Well big deal it happens. Had the child been on antibiotics for anyhting recentky, that in ONE very innocent reason among many for a yeast infection to crop up.

Not knowing about menstration at 10? Perhaps a little naive on the mother's part, but not neglectful or abuse.

Not going to the dentist? Sure, bad parenting, but not abuse or neglect by any strech of the imagination.

R rated movies? Depending on the content, not at all alarming and certainly not abuse or neglect.

Sometimes we look for a problem where there is none.

If your fiancee hopes to gain full custody, he will have to have MUCH more evidence than this in order for a judge to remove the child from the mother.

 

[tonyswife]

Originally posted by southernclass
Actually, his daughter told us everytime she goes over there that their is drinking and although you may not have a problem with this, we certainly do.

We do not want any of our children around alcohol expecially when there are 10-15 kids that need to be watched. We do not drink or smoke around them and we do not want them with children whose parents partake in this.

Well, that's nice. Neither drinking or smoking is illegal and does not legally rise to the standards of neglect or abuse. Your personal beliefs are just fine, for you. You cannot expect the rest of the world to conform.

 

[frustrated]

You know, none of the issues you raise are considered abusive as far as I know. Why didn't you take her to the dentist? Many people don't realize that girls are menstruating at 10, etc. Involving a child with CSB because you are ticked with her parent would be extremely harmful to the little girl.

That all being said, however, you do seem to have some legitimate concerns. Can some of these isssues be dealt with through the legal system?

If you take custody of the young lady, BTW, I think that you will soon find that $540 is a drop in the bucket when bringing up children, so I wouldn't be too cocky about that!

 

[Bob Slydell]

Originally posted by southernclass
Well, I guess that is where we differ because her mother is not fit to take care of her and my fiance certainly is capable. Then again it is not your child who is being neglected.

For all I know, you're right -- she's not capable. But I haven't seen you post a legitimate reason why she shouldn't have custody.

 

[browneyes]

has already had a yeast infection at 10

My ds had a yeast infection when he was just a couple of months old. Antibiotics is one of many known causes for that problem.