Punishment too harsh? UPDATE #81

[sweet angel]

At the beginning of the 2nd marking period I told DS14 (who is a smart, but extremely lazy student) for each grade he receives that is lower than a "C", he will lose one privilege for the entire 3rd marking period.

I asked him daily, or almost daily, about homework, tests, quizzes, etc. Never had homework, or it was done, already finished studying, etc.

At least once a week, I reminded him of the rule and the consequences. Mind you, 1st marking period was a freebie where I told him I would trust him to do his work, and not nag him. There is also a pattern where he squeaks through by the skin of his teeth at the last minute.

Report cards came home last week. He got 3 D's and 2 F's. He lost 5 privileges -- phone, computer, tv, video games, and the ability to go outside to hang out with friends. Now, of course, he has become the spawn of satan in an attempt to make me so miserable that I let him out.

I feel that I am being more than fair, since I warned him repeatedly about the consequences for his actions. He was furious that he couldn't go to the dance Friday night, or the Battle of the Bands on Saturday. Oh well -- think about it next time. He's mad that I won't let him go over his girlfriend's tomorrow -- not thankful that I took him shopping for V-day and offered to drive him over there to give her the gift. He's also mad that I won't give him the money to buy a dozen roses (he spent his own $30 on her candy and gift). Yeah, right.

I fully intend to give him "time off for good behavior" IF he exhibits effort, no attitude and good behavior.

What do you think? Too tough? Am I the mean mom he seems to think I am? Should I just sit back and let him do whatever he wants like the rest of the snot-nosed kids?

 

[golfgal]

Heck no, but then my son has been grounded from everything since the end of first quarter for the same thing, forgetting to turn in homework, lower then expected grades, etc. Stand your ground. This isn't uncommon at this age but it doesn't mean you have to accept it!

 

[mickeyboat]

I like to tell my kids that they knew the consequences and they took action that resulting in those consequence. It isn't me being mean, it's them making a choice. Of course they are 5 and 6, and don't make us miserable for very long, so it's a little easier right now (ask me again tomorrow after Hannah goes to bed 15 minutes early).

That being said, I do think the punishment might be too stern. You have taken EVERYTHING away from your son. He will probably spend more time and effort thinking of ways to get around the punishments than he would improving his schoolwork. How long are these priviledges being taken away? Have you set up some sort of system where he can earn them back? If he has some way to earn them back, he might be willing to improve.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[lulugirl]

I don't think you are being too tough on him. At 14 he is old enough to understand that he has certain responsibilities and that there will be consequences if he doesn't meet them.
Also I think it's important that he know you mean business.

 

[CEDmom]

As mad as he is part of him respects you as well. You will completely loss that respect and your authority if you back down on this. What he's doing at 14 is no different than a 2 yo having a tantrum when told no. Stand firm.

$$ for roses at 14 . Were you able to keep a straight face?

 

[Tigger&Belle]

My son got a D in math and he is now not able to do the computer M-Th, including IM (not doing IM is the kiss of death for a 15yo...). He's not happy, but I told him that he is not able to control his own behavior and not spending enough time on homework and studying that I now need to step in. And he knew this would happen if his grades were not good. And he wasn't allowed to attend the report card dinner than we brought our other kids to.

It's called logical consequences and sure our boys are not happy now, but maybe they will get it together and improve. The high school grades are important, which they sometimes forget.

 

[MAKmom]

You have to stick to it. Tell him for every A on his interm he gets something back. I grounded DD last part of senior year for the same thing. Tell him he should have personal integrity to do this on his own. Until he gets it... Mommy's going to help out.

 

[sweet angel]

That being said, I do think the punishment might be too stern. You have taken EVERYTHING away from your son. He will probably spend more time and effort thinking of ways to get around the punishments than he would improving his schoolwork. How long are these priviledges being taken away? Have you set up some sort of system where he can earn them back? If he has some way to earn them back, he might be willing to improve.

Good luck.

Denae

Ah, but he KNEW for EVERY grade lower than a C, he'd lose ONE privilege for the WHOLE 3rd marking period. He had every chance to make an effort. He had every chance to NOT get lower than a C. We're not talking 1 or 2 classes here -- he CHOSE to not do the work in FIVE classes! He will earn them back at the end of the marking period by getting a C or better. If not, then the punishment continues for each grade lower than a C.

 

[punkin]

I don't believe in punishment for bad schoolwork, BUT since you warned him and he knew the consequences beforehand, you cannot back down now. It will only show him that your word means nothing. If you feel it is too harsh now,you can offer to reinstate privileges if he gets As on his interim tests as someone suggested.

Good luck.Parenting is tough, isn't it?

 

[sweet angel]

I don't believe in punishment for bad schoolwork, BUT since you warned him and he knew the consequences beforehand, you cannot back down now. It will only show him that your word means nothing. If you feel it is too harsh now,you can offer to reinstate privileges if he gets As on his interim tests as someone suggested.

Good luck.Parenting is tough, isn't it?

If not punishment, what would you suggest?

 

[Sandy V.]

As mad as he is part of him respects you as well. You will completely loss that respect and your authority if you back down on this. What he's doing at 14 is no different than a 2 yo having a tantrum when told no. Stand firm.

This is SO true. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT back down!!!

I think the punishment is very reasonable and I would not lift one finger to justify it to him other than: "Your actions; our consequences".

3 D's and 2 F's is quite unacceptable for a bright student. Your expectations were set, the consequences if he failed to meet them were spelled out, and you routinely asked him about his assignments and he deliberately misled you. IMO, he should have a period of at least a week without any of these items you took away so the "shock" sets in, and you could put some sort of incentive program in place so that he can start earning them back a little at a time. Not all at once, though.

Good luck - as my tag says, parenting is NOT for sissies!!

ETA - I DO believe in punishment for bad schoolwork, especially when it is obvious that the kid has the "smarts" to do well, but they're simply too lazy to complete assignments or, even worse, to turn in the completed homework sitting in their backpacks!! At age 14, school is your JOB and there is NO excuse for not trying your best.

 

[azgal81]

I only ever got one D-. In geometry my junior year of high school. I was excellent at math I just could not get anything in that class. My parents never punished me I think because they knew I couldn't master it and because they tutored me every night so at least in there eyes I was trying. I would feel horrible with myself if I got all D's and F's. I don't think you were tough at all sounds like your son just doesn't care. There's a difference between just not doing the work and not understanding it. I think school is important and if he doesn't care you should do something so he gets decent grades! Maybe punishing him will work especially since he know realizes you are serious.

 

[pearlieq]

Stand your ground! You're doing the right thing here. The sooner he's exposed to the natural consequences of his actions, the sooner he'll get a little wisdom.

I know it must stink, but stay strong. This is probably the most loving thing you could possibly do for him!

 

[sap1227]

You have to stick to it. Tell him for every A on his interm he gets something back. I grounded DD last part of senior year for the same thing. Tell him he should have personal integrity to do this on his own. Until he gets it... Mommy's going to help out.

I like this idea or something like it. If all grades are "C" or higher he can have 2 of the items back is what I think I would do (of course my kids are 2 and 4, so what do I know )

Christy

 

[Briarmom]

Stick to your guns! You're doing a great job mom.
Also, if he continues to be a poo, tell him you are going to do this in front of all his friends. A little Cabbage-Patch action will simmer him down.

 

[sweet angel]

They don't get interim reports, per se. They get progress reports sent home, but it's only a matter of "satisfactory", "unsatisfactory", "needs improvement", "effort in accordance with ability" -- no grades. I could probably contact his teachers and ask them to provide me with a grade midway through.

I like the idea of incentive, however, I can foresee that it would backfire in that he'd think he "won" and slack off again. You can drop from a C to a D in a heartbeat....

 

[EthansMom]

I don't think that your discipline is harsh. But I would let him earn back his priviledges over time -- be specific with your expectations and let DS know what they are. If it were me, I'd sit him down and explain that he has a responsibility to go to class, pay attention and do his homework. He also has the responsibility to carry his load around the house (clean up after himself, do his chores) and to treat others with respect. I would expect him to do homework/studying at least 2 hours a night every night. If he doesn't have homework, I'm sure that his teachers can offer up some books he could read to supplement the material he's covering in class.

For every week that he meets all of these requirements, I would allow him to earn back one priviledge. When he does earn back priviledges, I would limit the time on the computer/t.v./phone in order to make sure that he had plenty of time free to work on his schoolwork.

As for wanting $30 to buy roses for his girlfriend.... . I've got three bathrooms and a stove that could use cleaning -- I'll give him $20 for that. (In other words, make him earn his $ through some hard work -- he'll value it more and be less likely to throw it away on flowers for a girl after he's already bought a gift and card.)

 

[MsLeFever]

NOT too harsh. He knew what he was getting into and now the question will be if you can "pass" his test!

 

[malibuconlee]

They don't get interim reports, per se. They get progress reports sent home, but it's only a matter of "satisfactory", "unsatisfactory", "needs improvement", "effort in accordance with ability" -- no grades. I could probably contact his teachers and ask them to provide me with a grade midway through.

I like the idea of incentive, however, I can foresee that it would backfire in that he'd think he "won" and slack off again. You can drop from a C to a D in a heartbeat....

That's not a bad idea. Let them know that you were unhappy with his grades and would like them to keep you in the loop.

I lost all phone and MTV rights in 6th grade when I got a D or two. I brought those grades right back up. I think it was the whole new school thing and not being in class with all my "old" friends. I spent too much time after school on things other than homework.

I agree with those that said stand your ground. Good luck!!

 

[AC7179]

I think you are doing a great job, too.

Stick to it---even if you are miserable now.

Hopefully he will see the light!