Punishment too harsh? UPDATE #81

[Aidensmom]

I think you are doing a great job. If the grades came solely because of laziness, he needs this kick in the rear to get him motivated.

I am just sorry you are going to have to deal with Satan for so long. I hope you can find some good de-stressors to help you deal with it.

 

[clh2]

To the OP - you absolutely need to stand your ground on the consequences. Setting up conferences with all the D&F teachers would be a great idea. I think your DS should be required to come with you. The conferences shouldn't have a "you've really screwed up here" tone, they should have a "this is how we can recover from the 2nd quarter" tone. In addition, going to conferences would be a nice little reality check on this quarter, to see if he really is improving.

Good Luck! Our school also has the on-line grading system. I LOVE IT! I think I am able to "tell patterns" that are happening before the teachers can. No disrespect to the teachers, I'm only watching the progress of 1 child, they are watching about 100.

Good Luck!

 

[Pin Wizard]

Stick to your guns! You're doing a GREAT job! You could probably teach a class to a lot of parents.

 

[Caradana]

Is he playing any sports? Is he doing anything at all aside from failing school and getting punished?

There's something much deeper than LAZY going on here. Major intervention, now.

 

[bettyann29]

I think you are doing a good thing.. Its hard to believe it, but one day he will be thanking you and looking up to you for this..

 

[RitaZ.]

Is he playing any sports? Is he doing anything at all aside from failing school and getting punished?

You have a point here. It's important for kids this age to find something that they enjoy and are good at. It can't all be about punishment, that by itself rarely motivates anyone.

To the OP, what about martial arts? I think it's a great way to learn self- discipline and confidence.

 

[shortbun]

Tutoring is not the issue -- he doesn't NEED tutoring, he needs focus. Besides that, they base the school tutoring on NEED (he doesn't) and private tutoring is costly.

Again, this is an ONGOING problem -- one for which I have just about exhausted all option and now opt for tough love.

I didn't let him fail -- HE let himself fail. At almost 15 years old, am I expected to wipe his butt for him forever -- when should HE be made to take responsibility for his actions?

At this point he DOES need tutoring. He's so far behind, he can't possibly catch up and because you are the adult(he's still a child), it's your 'job' to understand that. While he is at home, not allowed to do anything, get him some help. Next time, I'd be a little less harsh with my consequences. A child with no life could become really mentally problematic. I have many really depressed children on my school bus. It really shocks me that their parents do not help them. Perhaps your son's issues are more than laziness. Consult a professional; he might really need more than punishment. It's not normal for a 15 yo to let his life slip like this.

 

[sweet angel]

Okay, let me address the sports issue...

Unfortunately, he's got his mom's athletic ability -- slim to none (although I was still able to pull off at least a C in gym class because I tried).

He's tried basketball, baseball, skateboarding, and tae kwan do. No interest. He's got a guitar which he's really into learning.

Not everyone can be an athlete and not every family has access to alternative schools and boarding school is rarely an option. The technical school option is an option, but I think they have to complete the core classes first. He's currently taking woodshop as one of his classes (and managed to pass that!).

He honestly does not believe that the teachers would keep him back -- that they would have the audacity to fail him.

His birthday is in April -- he wants a $549 guitar OR playstation3. I told him he was off his rocker. It's an entitlement attitude.

I told him if he pulls STRAIGHT As, I'll give him $100. He wanted to barter to $100 PER A. Uh, no.

 

[Caradana]

Everybody can be an athlete. There are sports in his school which do not cut. He should be doing one of them, starting today.

Also, you don't know if alternative school or boarding school are options until you ask. If nothing else, go in tomorrow and line it up for the child study team in your public district (Toms River? If so, I can help. If not, which?) to sit down with you and your your son and talk about what he needs to thrive here. This school might not be working for him, plain and simple. You might be surprised what the school district is willing to do for him.

 

[sweet angel]

Okay, this is silly.

Not everyone can be an athlete. Why would you FORCE a kid to be part of an extracurricular activity he/she would hate? That's like forcing someone with no interest in science to be part of the science club -- or forcing the shy kid onto the debate team or into a public speaking course.

Boarding schools are a ton of money and all that tells the kid is "I wash my hands of you...go be raised by someone else." That's my opinion, no disrespect to anyone with kids in boarding school...

There are alternative schools around here, but they require EXCEPTIONAL grades to be a part of. No, not Toms River -- Lacey.

As I said, the tech school option is an option.

He doesn't THRIVE because school is simply not high on his list of things of importance. Friends, phone, computer, video games, tv are above school in importance to him.

Caradana, usually I can see your point of view and often even agree with you. However, I would respectfully request that, until you've RAISED teenagers, you refrain from telling people how they SHOULD be raised. Please remember that every situation is different, every child is different. There is no ONE RIGHT WAY.

The kicker is, he's got it all figured out. He's going to magically bring his grades up, go to Ocean County College for 2 years and then transfer somewhere else.

 

[Briarmom]

I agree, not every child is an athlete. Lord knows I wasn't. But I tried to be involved in other things-
Key Club (where you go do volunteer work)
Band
Jazz Band
Swing Choir
Theater
French Club
I realize that you have to have an interest in all of these things, and instruments are not things you can learn overnight. I bet the jazz band teacher is always looking for guitarists, or there is a guitar/garage band something or other to look into.

What if he just volunteers somewhere? It's always nice and they always need people.
I do not feel jealous of the teenager raising people out there. I am going to be one in 6 years!
I still think dancing in front of his friends would shock him into good grades.

 

[Nana Annie]

First of all - I do have teenagers.

I have to agree with the posters here that the school needs to become involved. Right now, he is slipping through the cracks. There are many tools in the school that you can utilize to help you. Surely you can take one afternoon off and have a team meeting at the school. Schools don't want him to fall through the cracks any more than you do. They will help you formulate a plan where you can all work together as a team. That way, it is not all on your shoulders.

They can set up a learning plan, behavior plan - whatever it takes to help him earn his privileges back. They will help monitor in school, while you monitor at home. They can set up a team manager so you only have one contact, not every teacher.

Take advantage of your resources at the school. Your taxes are paying for them. And call a meeting quickly. This IS panic time.

And, just my opinion - the "I work so can't be involved with the school" is a bit insulting to us parents who do work 40,50+ hours per week and still manage to stay very involved with teachers, etc. (Just my opinion).

 

[sweet angel]

He tried drums and was in band in 4th and 5th grade. The band teachers gave the "good" parts to one particular drummer all the time. He got discouraged and quit.

Guitar has been holding his interest for over a year now -- he's starting to try to write melodies and stuff a little bit.

I was in Key Club and Interact Club -- because that's where the cute boys were. I was also "manager" of the soccer and swim teams. If you can't be an athlete -- be an athletic supporter.

His friends get a kick out of me -- they'd probably dance with me.

 

[RitaZ.]

I agree with you that not every child is an athlete, my kids are definitely not. This is what we decided to try with DS... DH signed up for Tae Kwon Do classes with DS. It has worked out to be a great experience for both of them. If someone had told me that DS would grow to love it as much as he does, I wouldn't have believed it.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that we have to get our kids to try different things. Some activities they will like and others they won't care for, but, hopefully, we can help them find an activity that interests them.

 

[almacdonald]

I'm sure that having to ask if everyone wants fries with their meal will be a good punishment too.... for the rest of his life if he doesn't get those grades up!!!! Good luck trying to instill some sense of responsibility in him. I can't believe he would allow himself to be that lazy. Stick to the original punishment.

 

[Caradana]

Sweet Angel, apologies if it came off stronger than intended. The main point is this - he has to get involved in activities now. He probably should've been involved long ago. What does your son feel "good at" these days? In what areas does he feel that he can be successful?

Also, it's not the worst lesson in the world for a kid to do something extracurricular that he doesn't necessarily like. He doesn't like school either, but he needs to do it, right? He probably won't always like work one day, but he has to do it. He didn't like band, and he quit, eh? Somewhere your son missed the message that we sometimes sacrifice short-term for long-term gain. That's the lesson that athletics tend to teach (hurt now, gain later, etc.) and it's beneficial for most kids, including those who aren't natural athletes. I'm not saying he has to be Carl Lewis here. I am saying that the most successful kids don't have time to be lazy.

I really urge you to get involved and become a virtual fixture at that school. Your son has probably never needed your intervention as badly as he does now. What are you going to do in two years if he's still failing and saying he wants to drop out? Be on this one like white on rice right now, and you reduce the chance you'll have to face that eventuality later. It won't be comfortable. I imagine it'll be scary to march into the guidance office and ask for help. But that is absolutely the right thing to do here.

 

[figment52]

$$ for roses at 14 . Were you able to keep a straight face?

Thanks - I was in shock by roses for a 14 y/o but I couldn't express myself. I like your response.

 

[Mishetta]

This is SO true. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT back down!!!

I think the punishment is very reasonable and I would not lift one finger to justify it to him other than: "Your actions; our consequences".

3 D's and 2 F's is quite unacceptable for a bright student. Your expectations were set, the consequences if he failed to meet them were spelled out, and you routinely asked him about his assignments and he deliberately misled you. IMO, he should have a period of at least a week without any of these items you took away so the "shock" sets in, and you could put some sort of incentive program in place so that he can start earning them back a little at a time. Not all at once, though.

Good luck - as my tag says, parenting is NOT for sissies!!

ETA - I DO believe in punishment for bad schoolwork, especially when it is obvious that the kid has the "smarts" to do well, but they're simply too lazy to complete assignments or, even worse, to turn in the completed homework sitting in their backpacks!! At age 14, school is your JOB and there is NO excuse for not trying your best.

ITA! My 10 y/o (4th grader) is very bright but also lazy. He brought home a C in English (which to us was like an "F" because we know what he's capable of.) He lost his buddies M-Th & also his PSP M-TH, for the rest of the school year. We also have him in tutoring now....just in case. On the upside ~ we give him $5 for every A & $2.50 for every B. Money is a big motivator for him. All his B's turned to A's & his C went up to a B. He brought up his grades in every subject on this report card. So no, I don't think you're being to harsh!

 

[Colleen456]

I think your punishment fits the crime. He knew what was coming and he didn't care enough to make the effort. Its possible that he could have some underlying issue and it wouldn't hurt anything to have him talk to the school counselor would it?

Should he be starting high school next year? Might be interesting to see how he feels about staying behind while his friends advance and leave him in the dust.

 

[kristen821]

I only read a some of the responses, but I feel the last thing he needs is more activities to be involved in. He already feels he doesn't have time for homework. I was the same way as a teen and always would rather be with friends then doing homework. I think your punishment is fine until the grades are up he should be grounded. What else can you do. I would also call his teachers and ask them to call you as soon as he misses any assignments. This way your son will know he isn't going to get away with missing assignments. I would take something else away for every missing assignment he gets for now on too. I would also reward him for doing good. If he gets good grades at midterm reward him possibly by ungrounding him from something.