Punishment for inappropriate computer use?

[Toad_Passenger]

Another vote for addressing the porn and not just the disobedience. Porn is an addiction. If you'd caught him with drugs three times, would you just take those drugs away, and buy him cigarettes? That's the equivalent with switching to Playboy.

Hold up a second. You think because a teenage boy is trying to not get caught viewing pornography that he is harboring an early addiction? I was once a teenage boy and I would've done anything during those years to try and see a b00b (hence why I'll be way overprotective of my DD ). Of course my parents didn't want me viewing that stuff, but I lied and hid magazines, websites, etc. from them. I wasn't an addict, I was going through puberty. At that age the goal is simply, "Don't get caught!" But, again, not because what you are looking at is wrong, but because you are supposed to follow your parents' rules in their house.

I did all those things, but, yet, I've grown up with a very healthy, respectful, view of females. I won't deny that there are people who suffer from porn addiction, but I hardly see this as a case at this point.

 

[AshleyW]

Another vote for addressing the porn and not just the disobedience. Porn is an addiction. If you'd caught him with drugs three times, would you just take those drugs away, and buy him cigarettes? That's the equivalent with switching to Playboy.

Does your son routinely push you to the limit with rules? If so, then maybe this is simple disobedience. But if it's unusual for him to continue sneaking and lying after you've addressed a behavior as off limits, then you need to consider that he is dealing with a budding addiction. Addiction ruins lives. I would look into some counseling for your son. If it's not the porn, then the counselor can explore the self-defeating rule breaking behavior. If it IS the porn, he needs to learn now how to put the breaks on.

And FWIW, I suggest part of the discipline here should include some service to your local domestic violence shelter, guardian ad litem program, or foster children's service. These all help people who are vicitims of men who are addicted to pornography.

Not always and not with anyone. There are millions of people in the world who look at porn in a perfectly healthy way - and guess what, most kids would & will continue to look at porn even if they get caught. It's like saying alcohol is an addiction. It CAN be, but it can also be a fun & "normal" thing.

 

[Robinrs]

He's erasing the history. Count on it.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

He loses the internet and all computer privilages for awhile. Then for awhile he only gets supervised internet use, meaning he sits next to mom or does school work only.

Don't make it a forbidden fruit thing (same for alcohol etc.) but make it clear his disobdience is the problem, not him looking at the porn. Explain the ramifications of computer virus or getting the entire home banned from the internet or scaring poor grandma if she finds it on her computer.

Good luck. I remember a few years ago a friend telling me her son was buying it online and on the tv with mom's credit card!

 

[FireDancer]

A teenage boy who wants to look at naked pictures of women? Oh the horror.

Teenage boys have been trying to see pictures of naked women since the first one was published. It used to be magazines, now it is the Internet. It should be addressed and discussed and he should be punished (more for the virus then the porn really) but it isn't a cry for attention or an intervention any more than a kid sneaking a beer is a sign of pending alcoholism. If it developed into something more dangerous like taking your credit cards to purchase porn or sneaking out of school to practice one-handed typing at home it might need more attention.

Until then it is much more normal than people waiting in line to see a movie premier about an elderly man trapped in a teenaged body trying to seduce a young girl, which is the basic premise of Twilight, yet people don't bat an eye at that.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Another vote for addressing the porn and not just the disobedience. Porn is an addiction. If you'd caught him with drugs three times, would you just take those drugs away, and buy him cigarettes? That's the equivalent with switching to Playboy.

Does your son routinely push you to the limit with rules? If so, then maybe this is simple disobedience. But if it's unusual for him to continue sneaking and lying after you've addressed a behavior as off limits, then you need to consider that he is dealing with a budding addiction. Addiction ruins lives. I would look into some counseling for your son. If it's not the porn, then the counselor can explore the self-defeating rule breaking behavior. If it IS the porn, he needs to learn now how to put the breaks on.

And FWIW, I suggest part of the discipline here should include some service to your local domestic violence shelter, guardian ad litem program, or foster children's service. These all help people who are vicitims of men who are addicted to pornography.

Three times does not mean he's an addict. If that were true, then most of the people in the country would be addicts. As stated, it's only when he starts stealing the credit cards to buy porn, or skipping school to see porn that the parents need to worry about addiction.
Many people view porn as a part of their healthy sexual relationships. I had a lot of customers who rented porn along with their regular movies when I worked at a video store.
As long as it's not something taking over a person's life, it's not addiction.

 

[r1lissa]

Totally normal- for boys and girls- to want to see naked people.

Although I did have to question the smarts of my DS (12) when he hit the print button and left the pics of the topless women on the printer! I guess the excitement scrambled his brains for a moment!

 

[okeydokey]

Today's internet porn is a lot different from the Playboy pics from years ago. It is possible to stumble on really violent, awful stuff while just looking for pictures of B**bs.

 

[jfoofj]

Today's internet porn is a lot different from the Playboy pics from years ago. It is possible to stumble on really violent, awful stuff while just looking for pictures of B**bs.

I agree wholeheartedly! There is a HUGE difference between a boy (or girl) looking at naked/sexual pics and seeing images/video of some potentially really warped stuff, or just really REALLY graphic sexual acts. Nekkie pictures are par for the course. Hard core porn not so much. Honestly, there is stuff out there no one should ever see.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

call your local heath dept and enroll him in a sex for teens class. And you go with him to each and every class.

Since he's so interested, let him learn!

And take away the computer. And the net book. NOt because it was porn but because he was warned before -- three strikes -- YOU'RE OUT!

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Today's internet porn is a lot different from the Playboy pics from years ago. It is possible to stumble on really violent, awful stuff while just looking for pictures of B**bs.

That's what I said in my first post. Some of the things you can find is just sickening. Some of the porn I've run across while doing searches for innocent things on the net is seriously enough to make you barf.

Which is why I would never let a child search for porn on the net and would take the occasion to talk over sex is really like. Consequences and all.

I agree wholeheartedly! There is a HUGE difference between a boy (or girl) looking at naked/sexual pics and seeing images/video of some potentially really warped stuff, or just really REALLY graphic sexual acts. Nekkie pictures are par for the course. Hard core porn not so much. Honestly, there is stuff out there no one should ever see.

There is stuff out there that no one should even do. Some things I've seen I wish I could un-see because it's so horrid. Things that are not even about sex, but other things.
And I'm not one to judge a person by what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom.

 

[Handbag Lady]

... so what I would probably do is find some OLD Playboys and give those to him. most of the men I've known actually do find those older images to be far more intriguing than more current images. And the guys that didn't find the older ones to be more intriguing, frankly, were FAR beyond playboy and the magazines that are beyond p'boy aren't for a 13 year old at all.

And then when he is done, tell him those ladies are now the same age as Grandma.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Those of you half joking about playboy subscriptions or the like would not be laughing as much if you knew how many families have been destroyed by porn use, porn addiction, sex addiction, etc. in this country - and the whole world - and many or most of those (mostly) guys got started as young teens with magazines or now with the internet. There are ministries all of the place setup just to help people recovery from these addictions - just like AA or any other addiction. I have been involved in those ministries and have seen the damage it can cause - divorces, prison, and at least one person I knew who commited suicide. None of this should be a laughing matter. If your son is looking up things on even grandma's computer then I think he needs help NOW, not later.

Umm...not joking.

I like Playboy. I know many men who subscribe to it and are healthy, normal adults in good relationships. Those persons who are addicted to porn are not usually he type of people taking the time to read an intelligent magazine from cover to cover (even if they do get treated to some smut on the way). I'm sorry you know people in your life who have been negatively affected by pornography, and I have no doubt there are many people out there who cannot control their desire for such items. However, not everyone who drinks becomes an alcoholic, and the great vast majority of porn viewers don't become addicted either.

Addiction to anything is no laughing matter, but what the OP is dealing with is a just a curious teen boy.

 

[LisaR]

A teenage boy who wants to look at naked pictures of women? Oh the horror.

Teenage boys have been trying to see pictures of naked women since the first one was published. It used to be magazines, now it is the Internet. It should be addressed and discussed and he should be punished (more for the virus then the porn really) but it isn't a cry for attention or an intervention any more than a kid sneaking a beer is a sign of pending alcoholism. If it developed into something more dangerous like taking your credit cards to purchase porn or sneaking out of school to practice one-handed typing at home it might need more attention.

Until then it is much more normal than people waiting in line to see a movie premier about an elderly man trapped in a teenaged body trying to seduce a young girl, which is the basic premise of Twilight, yet people don't bat an eye at that.

Looking at pictures of naked women is one thing. My son (I'm not the OP) was caught looking at pretty hard core stuff on youtube. I was shocked to see the videos he viewed. There were full fledged 3 on 3 well.....I'm sure you get the picture. Let's just say it wasn't pretty and it was definitely not something a kid should be viewing. When my son was caught, my biggest fear was that he thought this was how sex was suppose to be. Both DH and I told him that if he tried half of that with a female, he would be lucky if all she did was call the police.

Porn on the internet just isn't the same as looking at an issue of Playboy.

For my son, he was also caught multiple times so his last punishment was pretty severe. Once he got his computer privileges back, I set up monitoring on all computers and his computer also has all video sites disabled. He has never been allowed to have the computer in his room so that isn't an issue. It doesn't really matter though. The last time he did it, I couldn't have been more than 6 feet away. I couldn't believe he was dumb enough to look up this stuff with me standing right there.

 

[cm8]

He downloaded porn to his Grandma's computer? That would have been the end of his computer usage right there. NO WAY would he be taking his Netbook into his room!

We went through similar stuff with DS23 when he was about 12-13. None of my kids had computers in their rooms, we had one main desktop in the kitchen so whatever they did they had to do with people walking by. DS waited until we were all out for the evening and then he did several searches for certain (mispelled ) words. Well, he immediately lost his privileges for 6 months. He had a few school projects due and one of us sat nearby while he worked on them. THey have computers and filters at school, so he had ample plenty opportunities to get the work done. DH changed the password every few days and DS was never able to figure them out.

Everything settled down for awhile. Then one day we came home to find a sex show on our screen saver. Thankfully, I caught it before his little sister did. He was about 16-17 at the time and we cut him off. No more using our computer for ANYTHING. Once again, changing the passwords. He eventually bought his own laptop when he was 18 and I'm sure it's just loaded up.

I do not buy the "boys will be boys" argument. It's not just about the content. He is being disrespectful to you. He is not honoring your rules. Time to lay the hammer down, IMO

 

[PatsGirl]

BTDT when DS was about that age. Had no idea until the travelling computer guy came to the house to clean out a virus. He called me into the room after about 15 minutes and showed me a list of websites DS had been visiting After we got done chuckling about it (and this guy assuring me that most of the homes he visits with a teenage son have the same problem) he printed out the list and asked me if I wanted him to talk to DS. BTW, while I wouldn't call the guy a friend he is in my social circle of sorts and I trust him and like the fact that he also had two teenage sons, one who played football on the same team as DS.

Anyways, I tell DS that the computer guy wants to chat with him and boy did he turn chalk white. I truly thought he was going to start crying. That was almost revenge enough After showing him the list and assuring DS that he could and would find all websites even after they are erased from the history, he spent some time explaining the viruses the sites can cause and the damage they can do to your computer.

Because DS knew that this would be the same guy coming back each time the computer acted up he never visited another site on MY computer. He got his own when he turned 18 and I don't want to know where he travels in cyberspace

OP, I have a problem with the lack of respect in following your rules but I truly believe that MOST boys would/are doing the same. Take away the laptop, take away his computer privileges for a few weeks, and then limit him to a desktop in a public area. It'll make it that much harder for him but still not impossible.

And for those posters that don't see this as normal boy behavior I adamantly disagree. It is not their fault that the images are so much more crude than 10 years ago or the Playboys of the 70s. A good long talk about respecting women and girls and how this is all "fantasy" stuff and they will most likely never re-enact anything they see is helpful but it's only a matter of a few years before the girl IRL teach them this firsthand when they slap the little bugger

 

[SplashMtnCrew]

OP, I'm going to give my two cents and I have not read this whole thread. We as parents are to teach our children right from wrong. I do believe that you probably believe that what your DS is doing is wrong, that's why you were seeking advice on punishment. I would take away his computer and never return it, I would also tell grandma that he is not allowed to use her computer. You know this is a problem b/c this isn't the first time. You've been tracking him for over a year and found no signs of it, then, there it was. This has the potential to become very serious, very quickly.

For the record, not all men/boys do this, so please don't believe that type of nonsense. Also, we do not allow computers or televisions in any bedrooms, not even our own. Good luck!

 

[sunnyday123]

Another vote for addressing the porn and not just the disobedience. Porn is an addiction. If you'd caught him with drugs three times, would you just take those drugs away, and buy him cigarettes? That's the equivalent with switching to Playboy.

Does your son routinely push you to the limit with rules? If so, then maybe this is simple disobedience. But if it's unusual for him to continue sneaking and lying after you've addressed a behavior as off limits, then you need to consider that he is dealing with a budding addiction. Addiction ruins lives. I would look into some counseling for your son. If it's not the porn, then the counselor can explore the self-defeating rule breaking behavior. If it IS the porn, he needs to learn now how to put the breaks on.

And FWIW, I suggest part of the discipline here should include some service to your local domestic violence shelter, guardian ad litem program, or foster children's service. These all help people who are vicitims of men who are addicted to pornography.

If every 12 year old that tried to look at naked pictures was taken to counseling for that and "rule breaking behavior", we'd all be broke. And sitting in counselors offices.

I don't see the leap from googling "****s" to becoming a porn addict on Dr. Phil.

OP, I'd also make him start doing his own laundry.

 

[C.Ann]

Take the "porn" factor out of the equation.. This is the third time he blew off his parents rules.. Now he has to pay the consequences..

Consistency is key..

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Looking at pictures of naked women is one thing. My son (I'm not the OP) was caught looking at pretty hard core stuff on youtube. I was shocked to see the videos he viewed. There were full fledged 3 on 3 well.....I'm sure you get the picture. Let's just say it wasn't pretty and it was definitely not something a kid should be viewing. When my son was caught, my biggest fear was that he thought this was how sex was suppose to be. Both DH and I told him that if he tried half of that with a female, he would be lucky if all she did was call the police.

Porn on the internet just isn't the same as looking at an issue of Playboy.

For my son, he was also caught multiple times so his last punishment was pretty severe. Once he got his computer privileges back, I set up monitoring on all computers and his computer also has all video sites disabled. He has never been allowed to have the computer in his room so that isn't an issue. It doesn't really matter though. The last time he did it, I couldn't have been more than 6 feet away. I couldn't believe he was dumb enough to look up this stuff with me standing right there.

Hardcore on YouTube? YouTube has a very strict no nudity or hardcore rule setup. In fact in 2008 they cracked down even harder on the restrictions. Are you sure it wasn't a pornographic YouTube-like site?