Problem With My Daughter, WWYD?

[wdwfan16]

I think your DD is acting ridiculous too, and it sounds like she is jealous. I think it's great your DS is getting out and taking his older children deer hunting. Maybe people here don't realize deer season (rifle) here only lasts 10 days, so it's not like he'll have a chance to take them deer hunting later. And after two months on the road, he needs a hunting trip with his older kids to relax and unwind.

I don't blame you for not wanting to keep all three little kids at the same time. That is too much! Your daughter has two weeks to find a babysitter for her two children, which should be plenty of time. Keep your chin up and don't let her get you down. You're doing the right thing. I'm glad your son is getting to spend some time with his kids after not being with them for so long.

Nobody NEEDS to deer hunt. The son NEEDS to spend time with all of his kids not just his kids from his marriage. The son HAS two weeks to find a sitter for his son he is not spending time with. The son has plenty of time to find a sitter, maybe try the kid's mom!

 

[Karalea]

Then I think you are doing something crappy to her just so that your son can do something fun with his spare time.

I'm sure she could ask many people--but you are leaving her high and dry after making it sound like she takes advantage of you.

With more details, I could see why she is upset and am surprised that you don't have a clue as to why.

I'm not saying you have to watch her, it is your ambivilance to her NEED compared to your sons WANT that bugs me.

How is she leaving her high and dry? She has 2 weeks to find another sitter and DD admits she has other options.


DD needs to grow up and stop taking her mother for granted. Make other arrangements when her sitter goes on vacation or take a vacation day like everyone else. You can't expect someone to watch your kids and then get angry when they say no. You ask, they say yes or no and you move on. Doesn't matter if it is your mother, sister, cousin, or high school kid down the street.

OP: enjoy the time with the grandson you never get the babysit. What a great opportunity to get to spend some one on one time with him.

Don't let you daugher or anyone else guilt you into doing what you don't want to. In families, some one is always upset about something. Next week they will have moved on to something else.

 

[RadioNate]

How is she leaving her high and dry? She has 2 weeks to find another sitter and DD admits she has other options.


DD needs to grow up and stop taking her mother for granted. Make other arrangements when her sitter goes on vacation or take a vacation day like everyone else. You can't expect someone to watch your kids and then get angry when they say no. You ask, they say yes or no and you move on. Doesn't matter if it is your mother, sister, cousin, or high school kid down the street.

OP: enjoy the time with the grandson you never get the babysit. What a great opportunity to get to spend some one on one time with him.

Don't let you daugher or anyone else guilt you into doing what you don't want to. In families, some one is always upset about something. Next week they will have moved on to something else.

I don't think the DD admitted that she has other options. Her mother has decided that there are other options available. The only thing the DD said is that a friend of her DH's from work "might" be able to watch them. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable leaving my 10 year old with some random work acquaintance of my husband.

And the OP is changing her story. The DS hasn't asked if she can baby sit his 4 year old. She is assuming that he will want her too so she is leaving that day open.

And really, at least the DD ASKED her mother. Sounds like there is a lot of assuming on the part of the DS. Considering, he lives rent free at her house, while she cooks for him and takes care of her kids ... I wouldn't pin the 'taking advantage' label on the DD.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

If it's so important for your son to spend time with his kids when he is in town, why does he think it's okay to leave the 4 year old behind? Why doesn't be find something to do with all of them? I agree with a PP -- he wants to go have fun, and you're willing to watch is youngest, cook for them, etc., but your daughter has to work, and that's not okay? I think if you have a problem with watching your daughter's kids, then you need to have that conversation when it's not a matter of picking and choosing between your children and whose needs you deem more important. Why not leave the youngest kid with his mother the day your son wants to go shooting and then you could still help out your daughter? It's not like the kid will be spending time with his father anyway, because his father will be out hunting with the oldest two.

And I know this is picky and stupid but it's Dec. 1 and 2, not Nov.

 

[wdwfan16]

How often can the OP be babysitting when her DD has a regular sitter for work days?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

How is she leaving her high and dry? She has 2 weeks to find another sitter and DD admits she has other options. So does her son.


DD needs to grow up and stop taking her mother for granted. Make other arrangements when her sitter goes on vacation or take a vacation day like everyone else. You can't expect someone to watch your kids and then get angry when they say no. You ask, they say yes or no and you move on. Doesn't matter if it is your mother, sister, cousin, or high school kid down the street. I'm sure taking a day off after Thanksgiving would be frowned upon in many places.

OP: enjoy the time with the grandson you never get the babysit. What a great opportunity to get to spend some one on one time with him.

If OP wants to spend time with her grandson, why does it only have to be when her son has him? Why not call the mother and ask to see him occasionally?

Don't let you daugher or anyone else guilt you into doing what you don't want to. In families, some one is always upset about something. Next week they will have moved on to something else.

Sounds to me like mom has already made it abundantly clear that her son takes priority over her daughter, for whatever reasons.

 

[Nancyg56]

The OPer mentioned that she sits for her daughters kids ALL the time, numerous times. She rarely sees her sons kids. It is ONE day. I cant for the life of me see how this woman is slighting her daughter in any way shape or form. To those that think she should just watch them all at the same time, didn't you see where she said she wasn't comfortable doing that? Why isn't that OK?

This is my opinion as well. I only have one GC right not but would be very angry if my DD resented my keeping a day or two open for my son's children.

ehhhh -

I don't know. I do think you have every right to say no but I can totally see where your DD is upset. She HAS to work and needs a sitter since her regular sitter is unavailable.

Her brother may WANT to go hunting so you are putting aside her need in case he wants something.

Is there anything from their childhood or things like that which may make her feel like you favor the brother and his kids. I understand you do a lot for her. But some times when family dynamics and hurt feelings are at play, people think and feel irrationally.

And yeah, the cooking for him and taking care of him while he is home rubs me the wrong way too. If that is his home, he should be helping out. Does she help out when she is visiting?

The DD has options that she is choosing not to use. She chooses to ask her Mom when she knows that he Mom wants (Mom gets to have wants too) to watch her DS children as she rarely has that opportunity.

As to the cooking, the OP could be like me. I love to cook and I want to be home to cook when my familiy is in the house. I also believe it is my business how I run my home and that my children do not get a say in that. I made it clear to them a long time ago that I decide when it is appropriate for me to help them and how I help is also how I see fit.

I read your entire post. From where I stand, it looks like you're enabling your son to be an absentee father. He's only going to be around for his children 3 days a month, and when he is around you will be caring for both him and his children. Am I wrong? You will be providing him free room and board. You will be making his meals. You will be watching his children.

He hasn't even discussed it with you and you're already anticipating his needs. You're not treating him like a grown man.

I understand him not wanting to keep an apartment for a few days a month, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't contribute to household expenses or take care of himself and his children.

As for your daughter, no you don't have to watch her kids. It's great that you're able to so often. But in this circumstance you chose your son over your daughter.

I have chosen to cook for one child or another many times and I have not waited for them to ask. I have never seen it as choosing one child over another, they all know that I love them and that I do whatever I can whenever I can for each of them. That help is my choice, they are all adults so they are not entitled to that help. DH and I love a full house and we love having our family here for meals and I do the cooking. Some may feel I am being taken advantage of but nothing could be further from the truth.


It sounds to me that the OP has her reasons for keeping the weekend open for her son and his family, she certainly has watched her DD's child whenever she could. She is not choosing one child over another, she is choosing not to honor her DD's entitlement mentality. DD can use her options or not, she should not guilt the Op into keeping her child because she has determined her want to have Mom watch the kids trumps the OP's want to watch her DS children.

 

[Karalea]

Nobody NEEDS to deer hunt. The son NEEDS to spend time with all of his kids not just his kids from his marriage. The son HAS two weeks to find a sitter for his son he is not spending time with. The son has plenty of time to find a sitter, maybe try the kid's mom!

Why should the son have to find a sitter? Mom wants to watch his kid.

I see nothing wrong with the son taking the older kids out for a few hours while little one enjoys time with Grandma. Most of the hunters I know our up and out at dawn and back around lunch. They are talking about hunting one day out of the entire long weekend.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have to side with your dd. Now, if she asked you to watch the kids, because she had a hair appointment, and you had already promised to watch your ds's ds, I'm on your side. However, saying you can't because your ds might want you to watch his ds? She needs a sitter for work - he MIGHT want a sitter to go hunting. Worse case scenario, you watch the 3 (as you can see from my siggy, it can be done).

And why do you have to cook for him? Isn't this his home?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

How is she leaving her high and dry? She has 2 weeks to find another sitter and DD admits she has other options.


DD needs to grow up and stop taking her mother for granted.

With all due respect, I feel the OP has mislead us to believe she is being taken advantage of. It may not have been her intent. I would like her to explain what "All the time" means given that her DD has a FT babysitter to watch the kids when she is working and asking for help 2.5 weeks from now.

But when someone has a full time babysitter and needs help and she favors a child who wants to go hunting--something is wrong with that picture.

She's entitled to say no. She is not entitled to not have someone upset with her for what may indeed may be a legitimate reason.

 

[TheBigBadWolf]

Nobody NEEDS to deer hunt. The son NEEDS to spend time with all of his kids not just his kids from his marriage. The son HAS two weeks to find a sitter for his son he is not spending time with. The son has plenty of time to find a sitter, maybe try the kid's mom!

The son DID find a sitter for the younger son. His grandmother. His grandmother whom it sounds like is looking very forward to keeping her grandson whom she's only kept a few times. I sure don't see a problem with the son taking his older children deer hunting for a few hours and leaving his younger son with grandma. Deer hunting only happens a few weeks each year, and people who hunt really enjoy it. I would imagine after two months in a truck on the road, the father is very much looking forward to a hunting trip with his older children. I think it's a very good bonding experience for them. No doubt he'll be taking the younger son hunting too when he is a little older. He'll be home from the hunt before dark and have all evening to enjoy with the younger son, plus possibly a mid day break if they don't hunt too far from grandma's house.

Michigan GM. Don't let everyone get you down.

 

[wdwfan16]

Why should the son have to find a sitter? Mom wants to watch his kid.

I see nothing wrong with the son taking the older kids out for a few hours while little one enjoys time with Grandma. Most of the hunters I know our up and out at dawn and back around lunch. They are talking about hunting one day out of the entire long weekend.

But then she would not have all three for an entire day and needing to cook two meal too!! If the DD drops off the kids at say 7:30 am and the son is back by Noon and they all have sandwiches, how is that not doable?

 

[Karalea]

Sounds to me like mom has already made it abundantly clear that her son takes priority over her daughter, for whatever reasons.

Maybe it is because her daughter lives 1/2 a mile down the road and she sees her and watches her kids all the time. Her son is out of town for weeks on end and she doesn't get to see him as often.

If she doesn't get to "mother" him as often as she does her daughter of course, the weekends he is home her focus will be on him.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

The son DID find a sitter for the younger son.

Actually he didn't. Grandma is just keeping the calendar open, just in case.

 

[wdwfan16]

The son DID find a sitter for the younger son. His grandmother. His grandmother whom it sounds like is looking very forward to keeping her grandson whom she's only kept a few times. I sure don't see a problem with the son taking his older children deer hunting for a few hours and leaving his younger son with grandma. Deer hunting only happens a few weeks each year, and people who hunt really enjoy it. I would imagine after two months in a truck on the road, the father is very much looking forward to a hunting trip with his older children. I think it's a very good bonding experience for them. No doubt he'll be taking the younger son hunting too when he is a little older. He'll be home from the hunt before dark and have all evening to enjoy with the younger son, plus possibly a mid day break if they don't hunt too far from grandma's house.

Michigan GM. Don't let everyone get you down.

The son DID NOT FIND A BABYSITTER because he DID NOT ASK. The OP ASSUMED she would need to babysit and thus turned down the daughter WHO DOES NEED AND DID ASK for a babysitter.

Sorry that is a crappy thing to do to your DD. Can you imagine how well this will play out when son does not go hunting and the OP could have easily watched the two other grandkids and all the kids could have bonded.

I think the OP favors the son and his kids because he is divorced and the daughter is not. That was his doing and why should he be rewarded for it? Plus he had another kid after his divorce.

 

[RadioNate]

Actually he didn't. Grandma is just keeping the calendar open, just in case.

exactly. He didn't ask! She assumed he'd want her too so she is keeping that calendar open, just in case.

And the OP also decided that the DD has other options that she isn't using. Maybe the DD, doesn't see those people as other options. Maybe she has already asked those other people and they are busy. The OP doesn't know.

I'm sure my own family dynamics are playing a part in my feelings here and I'm sure the OP won't see it this way. But it MAY play into the DD's perspective.

If the OP is really 52, like a pp mentioned and the DS's oldest child is 16, that means the OP was around 36 when the grandchild was born. That means that the DS had that child quite young. Ok, he marries that woman and then get a divorce. Whatever, it happens. Years later he gets another woman pregnant out of wedlock and is no longer in a relationship with her. He is gone for weeks, if not months, at a time. Swoops in. Gets to have fun while mom does everything for him. All the while the DD does all the 'right' things. Lives near by. Works hard. Shares her kids lives with her mother. And then her mom chooses to (just in case!) watch her brother's kid so he can go off and have fun while she works.

Now, I certainly don't know if this is true or not but that is the situation in our family and while they never say anything to the parents involved. The kids do feel like the wayward (for lack of a better term) child is the favored child.

ETA:
and just something to think about. If the OP is in a bind now, or needs help as she ages. Who realistically will be there to help her. The DD, not the son. That is what we are seeing now in our family. The child that was so favored throughout the years isn't the one who is there at all for the aging parents. In fact, they still do things to bail him out, when they can hardly take care of themselves.

 

[onelilspark]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest something really radical...pick up the phone and call your daughter. Quit the Facebook crap.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Maybe it is because her daughter lives 1/2 a mile down the road and she sees her and watches her kids all the time. Her son is out of town for weeks on end and she doesn't get to see him as often.

If she doesn't get to "mother" him as often as she does her daughter of course, the weekends he is home her focus will be on him.

So she likes the idea of spending time with her daughter and daughter's children until something better comes along? Son decides to flit in and out of people's lives as his convenience and everyone should drop everything because he's in town? Maybe part of the problem is OP is still mothering her adult son.

 

[JessicaR]

exactly. He didn't ask! She assumed he'd want her too so she is keeping that calendar open, just in case.

And the OP also decided that the DD has other options that she isn't using. Maybe the DD, doesn't see those people as other options. Maybe she has already asked those other people and they are busy. The OP doesn't know.

I'm sure my own family dynamics are playing a part in my feelings here and I'm sure the OP won't see it this way. But it MAY play into the DD's perspective.

If the OP is really 52, like a pp mentioned and the DS's oldest child is 16, that means the OP was around 36 when the grandchild was born. That means that the DS had that child quite young. Ok, he marries that woman and then get a divorce. Whatever, it happens. Years later he gets another woman pregnant out of wedlock and is no longer in a relationship with her. He is gone for weeks, if not months, at a time. Swoops in. Gets to have fun while mom does everything for him. All the while the DD does all the 'right' things. Lives near by. Works hard. Shares her kids lives with her mother. And then her mom chooses to (just in case!) watch her brother's kid so he can go off and have fun while she works.

Now, I certainly don't know if this is true or not but that is the situation in our family and while they never say anything to the parents involved. The kids do feel like the wayward (for lack of a better term) child is the favored child.

ETA:
and just something to think about. If the OP is in a bind now, or needs help as she ages. Who realistically will be there to help her. The DD, not the son. That is what we are seeing now in our family. The child that was so favored throughout the years isn't the one who is there at all for the aging parents. In fact, they still do things to bail him out, when they can hardly take care of themselves.

Wow. The speculation and actual verbalizing of these thoughts is astounding.

The poster that said grandparents babysitting is a GIFT, not mandatory is exactly how I feel too. Op-er goes above and beyond and she seems to be a genuinely wonderful grandparent.

There is so much speculation in this thread and its crazy.

 

[RadioNate]

Wow. The speculation and actual verbalizing of these thoughts is astounding.

The poster that said grandparents babysitting is a GIFT, not mandatory is exactly how I feel too. Op-er goes above and beyond and she seems to be a genuinely wonderful grandparent.

There is so much speculation in this thread and its crazy.

and the OP is speculation and assuming just as much. She assumes that the DS will want her to sit. And she assumes that the DD has other options.

And I said, several times, that I certainly didn't know the OPs situation.

I know how my mom my feels about my inlaws and how my MIL feels about one of her siblings ... and thought that MIGHT (as I said) be a perspective that the OP's daughter has.

No where did I say it was true.

But just like I don't know, you don't either.