Pretentious or just clueless?

[woodkins]

Grew up in the 5 towns area of LI, she is totally normal. Most of the shoe stores for kids are carrying euro brands of shoes (lelli kelly etc) and they are only marked in the Euro sizes, so you have to know both. Even my dd8 knows that she is a size 35 shoe. It is not pretentious or clueless, that is how you tell the person in the shoe store what size you need.

You didn't tell her they were from Target, so she had no way of knowing where they were from, you should be complimented that she must have thought they could have been a high end boutique brand.

 

[mjkacmom]

I live in the NYC area, and a lot of childrens shoe stores have many european brands. When dd14 was that age, I did know her european shoe size, because we had a local liquidator who had a childrens shoe sale a few times a year. I was even loyal to a few brands that I loved.

 

[kristilew]

She does sound a little overly picky though. She sounds a like my sister-who returns EVERYTHING her kids get for some reason or another and wonders why everyone just gives her kids cash now .

Yes, this was part of my "training." They would receive a gift and explain to me that they were returning it b/c they had a better version, or they didn't like it. Again, I think this is a culture thing. I think it must be polite up there to be very open and honest, b/c the gift itself is what is considered important. Here, it is the thought or the intention, and polite is defined differently.

ITA. If it takes as little as this to set you off, then I can see why there are issues and I don't know that I would say they are all hers. Sorry.

There are definitely many other issues, and I drive her as crazy as she drives me. I'm not "set off" so much as just aware that this is an instance where my knee-jerk reaction is probably one that does not take into consideration all factors. Hence, the asking for input. Either way, I'm sending the boots and would not engage SIL on this.

Did she KNOW you were in Target? If not, she may have thought you were in a boutique type store.

This is the picture I sent:

I think it's fairly obvious I'm not somewhere like Hannah Anderson or a boutique, but she probably couldn't tell it was Target, either.

 

[Magpie]

Goodness! I'd hate to have someone scrutinizing my every statement to see if it's "pretentious"!

I wouldn't have any idea what sizing Target has. My crummy Walmart sneakers have both American and European sizing listed inside (I just checked!). If I was asked a shoe size, I'd probably give both.

I guess that makes me a snob, huh?

 

[punkin]

Well from the picture (which I am sure she just glanced at), it is hard to tell that it's Target. She will know the shoes are from Target when she gets them though.

 

[kristilew]

Your SIL sounds just like a lady that I know and when I first read your post (and saw where you are from) I wondered if it was the same person. However, my acquaintance has a dd that is less than 1 year. Other than that, they could be twins!! I totally understand the cultural difference with her being from Long Island and you from the south. The lady that I know really sometimes says stuff that rubs me the wrong way and I have learned to chalk it up to her background (and not that she is intentionally being rude and witchy )

I agree with the other posters that say she is being pretentious. (This is assuming she has been living in the south for awhile and knows our stores). Just make sure you don't tell her where the boots came from, she may not want her dd to be seen with Target shoes.

Thanks, it's nice to see someone who understands.

She's still in NYC. I had no idea that Euro sizes were so common up there. They are only in boutiques here.

I am learning to chalk the "rubs" up to her background as well. The next thing to learn is to not be rubbed the wrong way in the first place. Baby steps.

 

[robinb]

So, SIL and I are from completely different planets, culturally speaking. She's always doing something that I find incredibly rude, or odd, or whatever, and I try to just shrug it off. The few things I've asked about on the Dis, I've been informed that her behavior is perfectly normal for her religious culture and the area she grew up, etc. (She's from the 5 Towns area of Long Island, I'm, well, Southern....) I'm sure I'm her "difficult person" as well - we just do not live in the same world.

So, in the interest of not leaping to wrong conclusions, I'm sharing yesterday's text exchange for your review and impressions.

Background: she and my brother have a 17 month old daughter. I'd love to be spoiling my niece rotten, but they are pretty picky about gifts and clothing for her, and basically have trained me not to get her anything without detailed direction from them. (and that's a whole 'nother post )

So, I'm in Target yesterday, and on the endcap of the kiddie shoe aisle, there is displayed an adorable little pair of pink suede boots with fringe - the kind of thing my DD would have loved at that age. I snapped a picture of them, and texted SIL:

Me: OMG, sooooo cute! Would niece like these?
Her: Yes, she would, super cute.
Me: Size?
Her: 7 in US sizes, 23 in European.


Soooo, what the heck? Is this standard NYC speak for sharing your child's sizes? Is the city so multi-cultural that one could very easily be buying European stuff? I'm in Target, for crying out loud.

Even if one is routinely shelling out for pricey European shoes for a 17 month old, is that something that really needs to be broadcast? Wouldn't it be enough to give the US size, and if I happened to be in a posh boutique offering to buy DN a pair of designer boots, then I could text back, "no dahling, I need the UK size"?

Your thoughts? Is she a pretentious snob, or am I a clueless country gal? Or is she a clueless spoiled city girl? Or, is this yet again an example of we will never "get" each other?

I think you're overreacting. She had no idea that you were shopping at Target and was just being helpful. Many items from the cute kids boutiques come in European sizing ... think Hanna Anderson and the like.

Plus, why all the "*Hint* Hint* She's this way because she's JEWISH and from LONG ISLAND?" Since I was given a choice, I'm voting for "Clueless country girl" with a dash of religious intolerance.

 

[Disney Doll]

She's probably a pretentious snob but living 1.5 hours north of NYC as I do, I can tell you that a lot of shoes in this area are Eropean sized. I guess because of proximity to NYC.

PS-I didn't tell you I lived 1.5 hours north of NYC to be a pretentious snob, but just so you'd know that I am in the same general vicinity as your SIL, within a fairly short distance of NYC.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I think she sounds a bit snobbish but not in this particular case. I have noticed European sizes on about every shoe I buy now at Famous Footwear and Target.

I really feel for you with the gift thing. For years, I spent hours trying to find the perfect gift for my nieces and I'd never hear if they liked it or not. And if I asked my brother, he'd come right and tell me why that gift I was so excited to buy or had already bought wasn't so perfect after all.

The last time this came up, they were heading to Disneyland right after Christmas and I found these adorable Disney fleece jackets at the Disney Store. They even had them in the girls' favorite princess in the right sizes. I was so excited because I knew they'd be perfect for their upcoming trip. Well I never heard a word and when they sent pictures of their Disneyland trip, they had on fleece jackets but not the ones I had given.

I later asked if they fit and my brother said yeah but that they had decided not to take them. Oh well. I have a great relationship with my brother and sil and just had to realize they weren't meaning to hurt my feelings and let it go.

I switched to gift cards until some genius invented Webkinz and I could buy the ones they wanted and make them happy and not have to get worried or hurt that what I bought wasn't "right" or would never be worn or played with.

 

[kristilew]

I think you're overreacting. She had no idea that you were shopping at Target and was just being helpful. Many items from the cute kids boutiques come in European sizing ... think Hanna Anderson and the like.

Plus, why all the "*Hint* Hint* She's this way because she's JEWISH and from LONG ISLAND?" Since I was given a choice, I'm voting for "Clueless country girl" with a dash of religious intolerance.

I don't think I'm being intolerant to recognize that my background and hers are different, and could lead to misunderstandings. That's why I'm asking for input from a source where there's a wide variety of experience.

I've been told on the Dis before that attitudes I'd never encountered before meeting SIL were actually quite common either to Jewish people or to people from certain sections of Long Island. As there is not a large group of either popluation where I live, how am I supposed to know what is typical without asking?

For example, when she was pregnant with this baby, I was introduced to the concept of not being allowed to purchase a single gift before the baby came home. I had never heard of this of this before, but was told here that this is the way it's done among Jewish families from Long Island.

How does not knowing that, and then learning it, make me intolerant?

 

[kristilew]

Well from the picture (which I am sure she just glanced at), it is hard to tell that it's Target. She will know the shoes are from Target when she gets them though.

Yes, this is why I included a gift receipt

 

[suzannen]

Well, if she's in the NY area, not pretentious at all. Even our TJ Maxx in both the city and Long Island have shoes with European sizes.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't think I'm being intolerant to recognize that my background and hers are different, and could lead to misunderstandings. That's why I'm asking for input from a source where there's a wide variety of experience.

I've been told on the Dis before that attitudes I'd never encountered before meeting SIL were actually quite common either to Jewish people or to people from certain sections of Long Island. As there is not a large group of either popluation where I live, how am I supposed to know what is typical without asking?

For example, when she was pregnant with this baby, I was introduced to the concept of not being allowed to purchase a single gift before the baby came home. I had never heard of this of this before, but was told here that this is the way it's done among Jewish families from Long Island.

How does not knowing that, and then learning it, make me intolerant?

I was born and raised Catholic and my mother HATES when they do showers before a baby is born.

 

[LuvLDM]

You are over thinking this.
If SIL is okay w/ her Dd wearing shoes from Target, then really how much of a snob can she be???

*disclaimer*
I'm not slamming Target, it's my favorite store. I'm just pointing out that a truly pretentious, snobby person probably thinks they are too good for Target.

 

[golfgal]

I was born and raised Catholic and my mother HATES when they do showers before a baby is born.

What does being Catholic have to do with having showers before or after a baby is born? I think that is more regional then anything. I am Catholic and most people have baby showers before the baby is born around here. If you have a shower before the baby is born you get strollers, high chairs, car seats, etc. If you have one after the baby is born you get clothing-or at least that is pretty much how it works around here.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

What does being Catholic have to do with having showers before or after a baby is born? I think that is more regional then anything. I am Catholic and most people have baby showers before the baby is born around here. If you have a shower before the baby is born you get strollers, high chairs, car seats, etc. If you have one after the baby is born you get clothing-or at least that is pretty much how it works around here.

If you go back and read OP's original post, she mentions that SIL is Jewish and it's the first time she's ever heard of not buying gifts before baby is born (like it's a "Jewish" thing). This poster was simply saying she's Catholic and has also heard the same thing, that it's not "Jewish" thing. FWIW, I'm Catholic as well and have many family members who feel the same way. They feel it's tempting fate that something will go wrong if they buy a gift before the baby is actually born.

 

[kristilew]

You are over thinking this.
If SIL is okay w/ her Dd wearing shoes from Target, then really how much of a snob can she be???

*disclaimer*
I'm not slamming Target, it's my favorite store. I'm just pointing out that a truly pretentious, snobby person probably thinks they are too good for Target.

I'm not sure she is ok with shoes from Target. We shall see. I'm sure she'll tell me if she decides to return them.

When niece was born, I smocked her several dresses. This is a common fashion choice among mommies in my town, and if one were to receive a hand-smocked dress for her little girl, she would go crazy over it. SIL was not initially impressed, although she was polite. She pretty much said, "oh that's nice of you to make something for the baby." Later that day, she got an email advertisement from some high-end baby store that featured smocked dresses for about $200 each. She turned from the computer and said to me "Oh, so these are nice dresses!"

She seems to be all about how much something costs, and where it comes from, but it may just be that we communicate very differently. I sent the boots anyway, because I think they're adorable. If they decide to return them, that's fine, too. At least they'll know I was thinking about my niece.

 

[kristilew]

If you go back and read OP's original post, she mentions that SIL is Jewish and it's the first time she's ever heard of not buying gifts before baby is born (like it's a "Jewish" thing). This poster was simply saying she's Catholic and has also heard the same thing, that it's not "Jewish" thing. FWIW, I'm Catholic as well and have many family members who feel the same way. They feel it's tempting fate that something will go wrong if they buy a gift before the baby is actually born.

OP here. My real point, and I guess I put it poorly, is that I am made more aware every day of how narrow my own experience has been. Things I have always taken for granted as being done a certain way, are not necessarily done that way in other places or by other people.

 

[robinb]

I don't think I'm being intolerant to recognize that my background and hers are different, and could lead to misunderstandings. That's why I'm asking for input from a source where there's a wide variety of experience.

I've been told on the Dis before that attitudes I'd never encountered before meeting SIL were actually quite common either to Jewish people or to people from certain sections of Long Island. As there is not a large group of either popluation where I live, how am I supposed to know what is typical without asking?

For example, when she was pregnant with this baby, I was introduced to the concept of not being allowed to purchase a single gift before the baby came home. I had never heard of this of this before, but was told here that this is the way it's done among Jewish families from Long Island.

How does not knowing that, and then learning it, make me intolerant?

My problem was two fold: (1) You used "code words" to tell everyone she was Jewish and (2) her religion had NOTHING to do with the rest of the story. Other than you appear to use it to explain to yourself why she acts the way she does.

 

[MooGooGai]

Plus, why all the "*Hint* Hint* She's this way because she's JEWISH and from LONG ISLAND?" Since I was given a choice, I'm voting for "Clueless country girl" with a dash of religious intolerance.

HELLO! Didn't you see that the OP noted she is a Southern Girl. So she is more polite than the SIL from NYC She was raised with manners and the NYC SIL is an ignorant Jewish girl that was not raised in the South. I mean, rude NYC girl dared to list the European size.