Preteen Daughters: UGH!

[Pigeon]

Gawd, I've got a 13 year old and it's the same story. I want to run away from home some days.

I just reread a book on parenting strong willed children and it's helped some, but she's a bit past some of the ideas in that book. I just ordered another book that got great reviews on parenting teens. I'll return and report if it's any good.

 

[mamacatnv]

I too have a 12 yr old DD and a 21 yr old DS - I have survived one teen so far or shall I say he survived.

My thoughts are not always popular but heck they work for us, so here goes:
Pick you battles.
If she wants to wear 1000 silly bands, why do you care? If her clothes are a mess or she looks ridiculous, why do you care?
If her room is uninhabitable by your standards but she is okay with it, honestly, why do you care?
To me, these are the battles I am not willing to fight.

Chore list states bathroom to be clean, it better be clean or the next time I hear "oh Mom, could you????" I either ignore the request or "forget" I heard it just like the kids do when I ask them to do something and they don't do it. This actually works really well and is a very quiet way to get the point across.

I refuse to argue, I am not going to have a debate with a snotty attitude. If they have a legitimate argument, I am willing to listen but it better be presented thoughtfully and with respect, not with sarcasm, snitty body language, eye rolling or anything else. I don't do that, I expect the same in return.

She is who she is, you can point out areas where she doesn't stand up for herself etc. but really only if she brings them up to you. If they don't bother her, then you are going to be hard pressed to get her to change her ways. If she does bring them up to you, think of a suggestion of what she could think about doing next time etc....

My favorite thing this summer occured with DD. She had done a few chores halfway. We were on our way to dropping her at a friends house who lives a couple of miles from us in the same housing development (disclaimer that I did not drop DD in the middle of nowhere).
I stopped about half way to the friends house, pulled over to the curb and said, "bye honey, have fun" she looks at me and says "But, Mom we are only halfway there"...... "exactly" I said, "you only did your chores halfway so I am only driving you halfway, out!" the look on her face.....priceless!

Parenting as someone else on this board said a long time ago "is not for sissys"

 

[laurafergie]

I like this chore chart too! Was there ever a time when they DIDNT do it? If so, what was the consequence?

We only have one punishment in our house. We call it "grounding" - but it includes everything. No electronics, no computer, TV, toys, books, no talking - NO ANYTHING. They have to sit in a chair and wait to go to bed. The severity of the crime, depends on how long the grounding is.

The only exception to the above - MAY be a sport, like soccer, that they have made a commitment to. Any outside engagements, like play dates are forfeited.

I will remind the kids to do the chores - once. If they choose not to do them, then they would be "grounded" for the rest of the night, after they have completed the chores, of course. Any arguing will add time.

We hardly ever have "grounding" around here. It only takes once or twice for it sink in.

 

[mamacatnv]

Duplicate post - very weird

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

We only have one punishment in our house. We call it "grounding" - but it includes everything. No electronics, no computer, TV, toys, books, no talking - NO ANYTHING. They have to sit in a chair and wait to go to bed. The severity of the crime, depends on how long the grounding is.

The only exception to the above - MAY be a sport, like soccer, that they have made a commitment to. Any outside engagements, like play dates are forfeited.

I will remind the kids to do the chores - once. If they choose not to do them, then they would be "grounded" for the rest of the night, after they have completed the chores, of course. Any arguing will add time.

We hardly ever have "grounding" around here. It only takes once or twice for it sink in.

Wow! That is AWESOME! I can imagine the look on her face when I say, "no ou're not allowed to do ANYTHING... Just sit in a chair" (But mom, blah, blah) --No. Just sit. that's it.

 

[robinb]

Wow! That is AWESOME! I can imagine the look on her face when I say, "no ou're not allowed to do ANYTHING... Just sit in a chair" (But mom, blah, blah) --No. Just sit. that's it.

Good luck enforcing that one if they have not grown up with it.

 

[momx2]

I agree with picking your battles. I could care less how many silly bands my DD 9 wears. She also goes to school some days looking like a hot mess. There are some days I do step in if it's just so horrible I can't bear to see her leave in what she put on. My almost 13 year old just got better is is so much more enjoyable, but now my DD 9 has started it. I think there is something about 4th grade that does it to them

I gave up on DD 12's room a long time ago. I go in, well I actually just stand outside the room, about once a month and announce it's time to clean it up. And she does. She usually wants a cleaning about once a month. Now, is it up to my standards, NO, but I'll take what I can get. I'm still trying with my DD 9, but am close to giving up on that one too. Nobody sees their rooms, so it really isn't that big a deal.

Now, the bathroom, I try to make them clean once a week. It is upstairs out of most people's sight, but them and their friends, so it does go longer sometimes.

The biggest problem is ATTITUDE! Like I said, my oldest DD is getting better, but DD 9 is just getting started. I figure in about 5 more years, it will get better.

 

[hereyago]

DD is 12, she thinks she knows it all. One day, I told her in front of her friends that it was a wonder I lived and did things before I had her and survived it all because apparently I know nothing.

Worse yet , DM 77 is with us. She has always been a princess-and I am the only one left and dont enable her, so that is a treat.

I don't clean DM and DD's rooms. DM will pay DD to clean her room for her. DD does her chores, but had to nip that rolling eye thing in the bud and show her how to do it right.lol.

Sometimes, they will get arguing, it is hilarious. I told them I am going to buy a Rock'em sock'em robot game and they can duke it out, because there is no way I am getting stressed over them.

 

[PatsGirl]

In my house, you can wear what you want to school within reason, have as many silly bands as you want, and keep your room in that disheveled mess, but if you neglect your chores or roll your eyes at me, there will be hell to pay

Respect is non-negotiable. DD watched it unfold with her brother and assures me that she'll always be a "good girl" Of course, she's just 13 and we have a few years to go but her brother reaped the consequences of his bad behavior and she was there to watch it, trust me it wasn't pretty

 

[luvsJack]

DD is grounded right now. No TV, computer or cell phone for the weekend. She got hysterical before school yesterday because we were running "late'. She would not have been late for school but would not have gotten there her usual 15 minutes early (going to be such a hard teen as I am FOREVER 15 minutes LATE or right on time )

After my two teen sons, I have learned which battles to fight and which are just not important enough for me to battle about.

Speaking and acting with respect are biggies. Homework is major biggie. Chores must be done, but there are exceptions.

Her room is just that HER room. The clothes must be picked up and put in the dirty clothes hamper to be washed and if I go in there and something doesn't looke taken care of (such as her lap top is laying on the floor) then I remove the item, but I don't stress about it being messy. As of today she will be responsible for her own laundry (result of Friday's hysteria).

With my sons, I learned that if I made everything into a battle; so did they. When everything stopped being a battle, it was much easier to get them to abide by the rules that I did find worth fighting over.


When she is punished, taking away her ability to communicate with her friends seems to work best.


Oh, and we have a schedule of sorts too. Its more a list of what needs to happen on a particular day. I have work, school, homework and church; she has school, show choir, church and starting soon tumbling classes for cheer. So the schedule is going to change in and around all of that. Some days the only thing that gets done on the schedule is homework and the dogs fed.

 

[powellrj]

I once read something when my oldest was a baby. It said that the reason kids will be so good in public and be rotten at home is unconditional love. Other people don't love them as much as you do so they will toe the line with others- peers, teachers and so on and then save their meltdowns and bad behavior for us-those who will love them even if they cry and misbehave.

I agree with picking your battle and take it one step further, make them responsible. If their messy room keeps them from finding something important so be it. If they get in trouble at school for too many silly bands, oh well. If they have to suffer the consequences then they have ownership in the problem, it makes it their problem not yours.

 

[flying_babyb]

Heck, she CRIED last week when I told her I was going to teach her how to do her own laundry!! Her room stays so messy, that I have held some of her items captive (that I took out of her room for being messy/cluttered/disorganized) for over a YEAR!!! She doesn't like to work AT ALL! She HATES cleaning, helping in the yard...etc. Does anyone else deal with this?? HAVE U FOUND A SOLUTION??

You just decribed me as a teen. I will tell you it gets bettter. As I got older I leaned to handle work. Once she moves out and has her own place she will want to keep it clean. This also happened for me when I started inviting freinds over more as a teen. Time to crack out all those design sites, with clean teen rooms. Inspration is a good thing!

 

[palavra]

So I'm not the only one.. My daughter is 9. Just turned 9 in August and has the ability to make me crazy too.

My daughter just turned 8 and is already driving us nuts! My husband and I were just remarking last night about how emotional she is. I'm glad toknow we aren't the only ones!

 

[PebblesMK]

I've been trying to get my kid to clean her room and take responsibility for her things, it isn't happening. Yesterday I got so aggravated with her messy room that I took everything out except her books (she HATES to read) and her clothes. She was so overjoyed that she wouldn't have to clean anymore. However, she tends to throw clothes on the ground instead of putting them away, so those are going today and I'll be picking out her outfit each day. Won't that be wonderful?!?! Now my dilemma is with homework. She brought home a book report that had to be signed. My kid has the messiest handwriting ever, poor spelling, doesn't use capital letters, puctuaction, her letters are the exact same size, j, y, g...don't extend below the line, a t is the same height as an a...it's all so frustrating and even moreso because the teacher says she doesn't correct those kind of mistakes and if I have a problem with it, she can fix it at home for me. Grrr. Okay, enough of my complaints. We're off to find some sort of board to make a detailed schedule. Isn't parenting SO fun?!?

 

[sunnyday123]

Ok, I am by far not the best parent, but the whole crying because she had to do laundry would not fly in my house. She'd learn to do laundry without cryng, if it took all day and we had to scour the neighborhood to find clothes to wash. She's found a way to get out of doing stuff ( complaining ) and it works. Let her complain the whole time she's doing yard work.

The taking stuff hostage isn't working if it's been a year. She doesn't care. Find stuff that she does care about. Want a play date? I want the dishwasher emptied.

Also, she might be extra moody at home because she isn't taking up for herself at school-is someone picking on her? DD was extra cranky on Friday and snapped at me on the way home. About 10 minutes later she aplogized and said she'd had a crappy day because something happened. Good luck.

 

[luvsJack]

I've been trying to get my kid to clean her room and take responsibility for her things, it isn't happening. Yesterday I got so aggravated with her messy room that I took everything out except her books (she HATES to read) and her clothes. She was so overjoyed that she wouldn't have to clean anymore. However, she tends to throw clothes on the ground instead of putting them away, so those are going today and I'll be picking out her outfit each day. Won't that be wonderful?!?! Now my dilemma is with homework. She brought home a book report that had to be signed. My kid has the messiest handwriting ever, poor spelling, doesn't use capital letters, puctuaction, her letters are the exact same size, j, y, g...don't extend below the line, a t is the same height as an a...it's all so frustrating and even moreso because the teacher says she doesn't correct those kind of mistakes and if I have a problem with it, she can fix it at home for me. Grrr. Okay, enough of my complaints. We're off to find some sort of board to make a detailed schedule. Isn't parenting SO fun?!?

Sounds like one big power struggle to me.

Why are you so concerned with the size of her letters? I can see telling her not to write so messy, IF it is hurting her grades; but worrying about which letters are the same height???? Don't you think that is a bit controlling?

I would never take dd's things out of her room or all her clothes--that is just causing me more stress. Not something that I find appealing at all.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, on the not taking up for herself; I have had that same problem with dd. She wouldn't defend her self if someone accused her of something or put her down. So we did some role playing. She would tell me things that happened during the day and we would discuss things she could have said that would have put the other person back in their place but wouldn't really be starting a problem.

She is still timid to a degree but it has helped some.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

I've been trying to get my kid to clean her room and take responsibility for her things, it isn't happening. Yesterday I got so aggravated with her messy room that I took everything out except her books (she HATES to read) and her clothes. She was so overjoyed that she wouldn't have to clean anymore. However, she tends to throw clothes on the ground instead of putting them away, so those are going today and I'll be picking out her outfit each day. Won't that be wonderful?!?! Now my dilemma is with homework. She brought home a book report that had to be signed. My kid has the messiest handwriting ever, poor spelling, doesn't use capital letters, puctuaction, her letters are the exact same size, j, y, g...don't extend below the line, a t is the same height as an a...it's all so frustrating and even moreso because the teacher says she doesn't correct those kind of mistakes and if I have a problem with it, she can fix it at home for me. Grrr. Okay, enough of my complaints. We're off to find some sort of board to make a detailed schedule. Isn't parenting SO fun?!?

The idea about taking all her clothes out of her room and picking out what she's wearing daily is GREAT!!! My daughter wads up her clothes and shoves them in the drawer to the point where she cant even open the DRESSER! She hates to pick up after herself. I may be pulling all her clothes out and putting them in the empty BR upstairs and bringing down what she's wearing each day!! I'll bet she starts picking up REALLY well after that!

 

[PebblesMK]

Sounds like one big power struggle to me.

Why are you so concerned with the size of her letters? I can see telling her not to write so messy, IF it is hurting her grades; but worrying about which letters are the same height???? Don't you think that is a bit controlling?

I would never take dd's things out of her room or all her clothes--that is just causing me more stress. Not something that I find appealing at all.

In the grand scheme of things, her handwriting isn't horribly important, but remember when you learned to write, or your child did, you get a paper with three lines- the middle being dotted? Each letter is supposed to be written a certain way, the t extends to the top line, an i to the middle with the dot above the dotted line, the g has a hoop that goes to the dotted line and a tail that goes under? Every single one of her letters don't even make it to the dotted line, maybe only halfway to the dotted line (very, very tiny writing). A lot of her letters look the same and unfortunately, it does affect her grades. Many of her spelling words get marked wrong because an "h" looks like an "n", her "t"s look like "h"s....it's very frustrating. I don't ask for perfection, I do ask that she try though. She can write very nicely but chooses not to for the sake of being done quicker.

I forgot- yeah, taking all of her stuff was stressful...but it's more stressful to have to deal with her constant mess, the attitude and everything else. This is much less stressful in the long run. Plus, when she shows she can be responsible, she'll gain things back slowly.

 

[Let'sGoFlyAKite]

Ok, Guys! Following all your advice and taking pieces of what sounded like it would work with my DD, I have spent the weekend in MS Excel! We now have a schedule that is to be followed from the moment she comes in the door after school, until bedtime. We have an hour of chores and an hour of "Free time" scheduled in. On another spreadsheet, the chores are listed, and I have DETAILED instructions on how to do them. (Because my daughter is a MASTER of finding loop-holes) There is a 'consequence' page that explains what she will miss out in if she doesn't do them. I appreciate all your help, and will let you know how this works.