Preschool expectations/3 year old

[ajk912]

I really need some help here! I just picked up dd from preschool and for the second time this week she has gotten in trouble at school. Yesterday, I guess she refused to line up to go to chapel and today she refused to do the blessing before snack. My daughter has huge battles of the will- she does this with me too- where she just REFUSES to do something. Like today- we were coming home and she didn't want to walk up the stairs- she said "I too mall (small)" and tried to run off to play in the backyard. I said, no..you are coming inside so I can make you lunch..she wouldn't listen.. I ended up having to take away her tv time to punish her for not listening. Me, I am not concerned about it- she's my third kid and I know kids outgrow these phases. She is THREE- I wish she listened as well as the other three year olds, but she doesn't. I am trying to work on her listening, and trust me, it would make MY life easier if she listened! I am almost afraid she is going to get kicked out of preschool- I have talked to her teacher about the issue and I can tell she is not happy. DD goes to preschool 5 mornings a week from 9:30-12:30. She loves it, she just needs to listen! Any advice, tips? I almost wish I could find a more lax preschool, but it's the end of September and everything has been booked since March with miles long waiting lists.

 

[vettechick99]

My good friend has a 3yo too and we all just had lunch together. Her daughter is also going through this I-don't-want-to stage. So my friend is just stern with her and takes away privelges as they occur. So I'd keep doing that - even adding in some for when you get a bad report from school. I would think she'd start listening after a while! And make sure you really take away fun stuff from her - like if she adores playing with her dolls, that's the first thing I'd take away. Find her "currency" as Dr. Phil likes to say.

But I think this school is better for her than a lax one. It'll teach her there are rules and you can't always get your way.

Good luck, she sounds like a sweet handful.

 

[ajk912]

Thanks! She is definitely a handful- I don't remember my other kids being this strong-willed. They are almost 7 and 8, so if they were this bad you would think I would remember? BTW, my son had issues in preschool with sitting still- he was always moving and talking and being a boy. He has tamed down though- no issues with that in a few years!

 

[mickeyboat]

1-2-3 Magic. Read it.

Denae

 

[Mkrop]

I would continue with taking things away if you get a bad report at school or tell her that if she doesnt listen at school she may not get to do fun stuff there. Or try the chart and for every day she does what you and the teacher tell her to do she gets a star, 5 stars in a row she gets to pick dessert on Sat night or something with no money value like that.

Good luck I too think this school is a btter fit if this is her issue at this time.

 

[WDWAurora]

1-2-3 Magic. Read it.

Denae

Amen.

 

[LanaJayne]

My good friend has a 3yo too and we all just had lunch together. Her daughter is also going through this I-don't-want-to stage. So my friend is just stern with her and takes away privelges as they occur. So I'd keep doing that - even adding in some for when you get a bad report from school. I would think she'd start listening after a while! And make sure you really take away fun stuff from her - like if she adores playing with her dolls, that's the first thing I'd take away. Find her "currency" as Dr. Phil likes to say.

But I think this school is better for her than a lax one. It'll teach her there are rules and you can't always get your way.

Good luck, she sounds like a sweet handful.

Our "currency" that works best is positive rewards for good behavior. Especially with a 3 year old. You want her to feel like she made good choices with her behavior at school. Can you set up a sticker chart for good days at school/home then after maybe 5 stickers she can earn a reward.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

JMHO, but maybe she isn't ready for preschool yet Would you consider taking her out and restarting her next fall? My DD has a Dec. birthday, so I was thinking of starting preschool right before she turns 4. She's in plenty of classes during the week so she isn't hurting for socialization.

I don't know if you have a Gymboree Play and Music nearby, but ours offers a "Level 7" school-readiness class. Maybe try something like that instead of preschool for now

 

[CEDmom]

I think the first thing that needs to happen is her teacher understanding that she's THREE!!

I really would try positive reinforcement rather than punishment and also give her choices so she feels in control of things. For instances her teacher could give her a choice of lining up with the other children or holding the teacher's hand and walking wherever they need to go. As far as the blessing I'd just let that one go. As long as she's not being disruptive or rude I think they need to cut her and you some slack. At home maybe give her 5-10 minutes of outside time before she needs to go in for lunch.

Good luck, I have a willful 8yo DD so I feel your pain .

 

[jodifla]

I think the first thing that needs to happen is her teacher understanding that she's THREE!!

I really would try positive reinforcement rather than punishment and also give her choices so she feels in control of things. For instances her teacher could give her a choice of lining up with the other children or holding the teacher's hand and walking wherever they need to go. As far as the blessing I'd just let that one go. As long as she's not being disruptive or rude I think they need to cut her and you some slack. At home maybe give her 5-10 minutes of outside time before she needs to go in for lunch.

Good luck, I have a willful 8yo DD so I feel your pain .

Yeah, really! Positive reinforcement is the way to start.

It's amazing how so many adults expect 3 year olds to be little adultlike automotons.

 

[SavvyMom]

It sounds to me like you're on the right track. What is the teacher doing to encourage the behavior she wants? Three is three and it takes a while to learn what is expected. She sounds completely normal to me!

 

[disney1990]

I started my DD went one 1/2 day a week at age 2.
She went two 1/2 days a week at age 3.
And four mornings a week at age 4.

3 is just so young to be in a structured environment and not all 3 year olds can handle it.

I would definitely do the positive rewards vs the punishment.

It always worked best for us.

 

[themilesfamily]

I read what you said about other preschools being booked already, but here's a suggestion for next year -- do they have any Montessori preschools in your area?? Montessori gives the child a lot of autonomy to seek out and explore the things they are interested in doing, rather than forcing them to do a bunch of structured pre-planned activities.

The instructor's role in the classroom is simply to observe what your child is interested in, what they show a natural inclination for (reading, art, etc.), and to provide them with materials, opportunities and guidance in pursuing those things.

My child used to be in a traditional daycare/preschool and she, too, was stubborn, defiant, etc. We pulled her out and after starting her in the Montessori program we saw a HUGE change. She just seems really empowered by this program.

I guess, if I felt that my child's preschool wasn't a good fit, I would pull her out for the year and start her somewhere else.

Good luck!!!

 

[Daxx]

First off, is she "just 3" (as in turned 3 in the summer before starting school) or is she well into her 3rd year? That has a lot to do w/it imo. I've found that when kids turn 3, they have just fully gotten the "hang" of being a 2 yo. Does that make sense?! You've just gotten used to the expectations of a 2 yo ... and now you're this new number w/different expectations and it's going to take you until the very end of your 3rd year to get the hang of being 3 and grasping what that's all about.

Anyway, I am sort of surprised that your child is in preschool. Age 3 yo here go to nursery school and don't go to preschool until age 4. Her preschool program sounds more like it's prep for Kdg. rather than what a 3 yo program should be. B/c it's preschool, is it more geared to Kdg. readiness? I think that she might be better suited for a 3 day program instead of a 5 day program.

Your example of when you came home and she said she was too small to climb the stairs ... I would've said "Well, if you're too small to climb the stairs, then you can't have/do ________ b/c only big girls can have/do _______." I bet she'd have climbed those stairs quicker than you can imagine. At age 3, she doesn't want to be considered a baby and wants to be considered a big girl. If you put it in terms that she's not a big girl if ..., then maybe she will do what you want b/c she knows it's what big girls do. I found this worked w/DS when he'd give me the "I can'ts".

Also, even though she's just three, her teachers are trying to instill the importance of following rules in a classroom setting. They're also trying to teach her that you can't just "do your own thing" in a classroom setting.

I have to laugh b/c I have a very similar situation going on in my Kdg. classroom. I have a student who always tells me "no" and "I don't want to". I tell him that what I've said isn't a choice and he must do what is asked of him. I've had him pitch fits, cry and get angry. I have to get him to realize that there are rules we need to follow and my classroom isn't the "Johnny Smith Show". I had mom in for a conference y'day b/c of his unwillingness to cooperate, constantly saying no, other behaviors, etc. As a teacher, if I let one child get away w/saying no or refusing to do things, every kid is going to think it's ok. Your child's teacher, while realizing that your child is 3, needs to have everyone on the same track as far as cooperation and following rules goes.

Good luck to you. I am sure that your child won't get kicked out of preschool. However, know that it will take some time for her to get used to a classroom setting. Many kids go from daycare into preschool, so they're more familiar w/a schedule and what's expected of them. I'm going to guess that your DD wasn't in a daycare? That might be why it's a bit more difficult (for lack of better words) for her to make that transition. I might look for a program that isn't every day and may be more tailored to a less "Kdg. readiness" approach as this preschool seems to have.

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

I have a strong willed 3 y/o DS, so I feel your pain!! My 6 y/o DS was rarely a handful, so this is new territory for us.

Honestly, if you don't need to have your DD in preschool for 5 days a week, I think that's too much for a 3 y/o. If you have to work then DD will have to find a way to adjust, but 2 or 3 days a week for a 3 y/o seems like a better fit to me.

Also, the teacher seems a little wack to me. My DS goes to preschool 2 days a week for 3 hours a day. He often doesn't want to participate in dancing/songs/movement time to music. His teacher said to me last week "he just looks at us like we're crazy". But that's DS, that's his personality---he's a watcher, not much of a participator. And his teachers are totally fine with that.

Your DD refused to do the blessing before snack???? Maybe she wanted to say it silently in her head? Maybe she forgot the words. Maybe she was embarrassed to speak in front of the class.........I think that's not a big deal at all. Not lining up---well, did she throw a tantrum and refuse to move, or did she take a little coaxing and then she got in line. Like I said, I think the teacher needs to relax a little.

 

[frndofpooh]

Preschool teacher here! I'd definitely stick with the reward system, have her earn stickers for each day she behaves in the classroom. After 3 days (5 tends to be too long for these little guys) she gets a reward. It should be something that is particularly interesting to her and her choice.

Let the teacher know what you are doing at home so that she knows that you are "on board" and trying to help the situation. And be patient - it can take a while for 3 year olds to out grow this (it's more like an internal, controlled tantrum) but most of them do.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I think the first thing that needs to happen is her teacher understanding that she's THREE!!

I really would try positive reinforcement rather than punishment and also give her choices so she feels in control of things. For instances her teacher could give her a choice of lining up with the other children or holding the teacher's hand and walking wherever they need to go. As far as the blessing I'd just let that one go. As long as she's not being disruptive or rude I think they need to cut her and you some slack. At home maybe give her 5-10 minutes of outside time before she needs to go in for lunch.

Good luck, I have a willful 8yo DD so I feel your pain .

I'm sure she knows she's 3, she's a pre-school teacher. I'm sure she's had this dilemma before with other children.

The child does need to learn to listen, why should the teacher have to make exceptions for a child who doesn't listen when all the other kids do.

Like if she doesn't want to go to chapel she gets to hold the teachers hand, to me thats a reward for misbehaving, kids that age love their teacher alot and holding her hand would be a huge reward....for misbehaving.

I also have a 3 yo DD who just started pre-school and is definetly a doozy, a definite 180 from my 9 yo DS.

She is rewarded at home for listening and good behavior. If she misbehaves in pre-school, something special is taken away at home and she must earn it back. It's worked so far, she has been very good at school. She still has her moments at home but those are getting better also.

But I do agree that 5 days a week seems like alot of structured school for a 3 yo.

Good Luck!

 

[Daxx]

Like if she doesn't want to go to chapel she gets to hold the teachers hand, to me thats a reward for misbehaving, kids that age love their teacher alot and holding her hand would be a huge reward....for misbehaving.

This part of your post reminds me of when DS was in 1st grade. There was a student in the class who was constantly pitching fits, not wanting to work, throwing books around the room and he would push his desk into the teacher as she would walk by. Every time he had an outburst, the teacher would call the principal. Principal would come to the classroom, take the boy by the hand and tell the teacher that they're going to go for a walk around the school. DS came home one day and said "Thomas got in trouble again and got to walk around the school with the principal. You know, I wouldn't mind taking a walk around the school w/the principal!" He saw this walk around the school as a "treat" ... a way to get out of the classroom for a bit. I told him that if he ever took a walk with the principal, he wouldn't be able to sit down for a week! Thomas got a "reward" (leaving the classroom, leaving the work) for misbehaving and it was totally misconstrued by the other 1st graders who also wanted the opportunity to ditch the classroom setting. What kind of example did that set?! Thankfully, DS has yet to take a walk w/the principal!!!!

Just wanted to say that I completely understand where you're coming from w/this portion of your post!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

This part of your post reminds me of when DS was in 1st grade. There was a student in the class who was constantly pitching fits, not wanting to work, throwing books around the room and he would push his desk into the teacher as she would walk by. Every time he had an outburst, the teacher would call the principal. Principal would come to the classroom, take the boy by the hand and tell the teacher that they're going to go for a walk around the school. DS came home one day and said "Thomas got in trouble again and got to walk around the school with the principal. You know, I wouldn't mind taking a walk around the school w/the principal!" He saw this walk around the school as a "treat" ... a way to get out of the classroom for a bit. I told him that if he ever took a walk with the principal, he wouldn't be able to sit down for a week! Thomas got a "reward" (leaving the classroom, leaving the work) for misbehaving and it was totally misconstrued by the other 1st graders who also wanted the opportunity to ditch the classroom setting. What kind of example did that set?! Thankfully, DS has yet to take a walk w/the principal!!!!

Just wanted to say that I completely understand where you're coming from w/this portion of your post!

Thanks! I just see the stars in my DD' s eyes when she talks about "her teacher". Gosh if she got to hold her hand while they went somewhere I know that would be the highlight of her day.

They all take turns being the "leader", you know taking the rest of the class to the bathroom , and out to the playground. Everytime she does this even, its huge,, " My teacher asked ME to be the leader.

 

[Daxx]

Thanks! I just see the stars in my DD' s eyes when she talks about "her teacher". Gosh if she got to hold her hand while they went somewhere I know that would be the highlight of her day.

They all take turns being the "leader", you know taking the rest of the class to the bathroom , and out to the playground. Everytime she does this even, its huge,, " My teacher asked ME to be the leader.

As a teacher (Kdg.), I know that look v. well. We go to Mass every Friday morning. I have the 7th graders who are "helpers" ... they walk my students to Church and sit w/them to be sure they behave. There is, inevitably, one student who doesn't have a partner and gets me for their partner. They love the fact that they get to hold my hand. It makes me laugh b/c my own child (age 10) doesn't even want to hold my hand anymore!!!! I had one mother tell me that the night before, her child would not stop talking about me. Go figure. I'd love to know what she said about me!!!! Prob. said "Mrs. W. wore black shoes with high heels. She wore a striped shirt and pantyhose. I saw her purse. It was black and little. She also has a super big black purse that she carries stuff in. She smelled like flowers. She told us to sit on our bumby. Isn't bumby a funny word?" Prob. a whole bunch of stuff that nobody would, in a million years, care about!

I can also tell you that I remember how special it was when the teacher smiled at me or said something special to me or took my hand to walk somewhere. I remember a time when I thought the sun rose and set on some of my teachers.