Poll: Teen doors...

[Acklander]

Yes, my child is young but I have seen first hand the problems that arise from giving a child too much privacy and alone time. If they can't keep the door open then they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe if some people were more aware of the things teens did this generation wouldn't be so messed up. Yes, everyone deserves alone time but at what cost? I'm sure many parents of kids who committed suicide wished they made their children leave the door open.

I will not allow a closed door in my home. It's great if others feel it is ok but it's not something I will allow.

Yes, your child is young and at a fairly malleable age. Once they reach the teen years kids have thoughts, desires, opinions and dreams of their own. If you have a teen, who is a fairly good kid, who would prefer to do homework with the door shut so that it's quieter, are you seriously going to make that your hill to die on? We're talking about a regular kid, no signs of depression, no slash marks, no signs of drug or alcohol use - just a kid who studies better without distraction, and you're not going to ALLOW it? You do see where this comes of as a tad controlling, don't you???
You do realize that part of your job, as a parent, is preparing your child to become a fully functioning member of society as an adult, correct? How is your child going to be able to function in the real world if they can't handle being in a room alone with the door closed?
Is your partner on board with this???

 

[luvsJack]

Ready here we go:
Sexting
Watching porn
Drugs
Posting inappropriate things to Facebook.
Cutting
Blocking out the world
Sex

Should I keep going?


Yes, my child is young but I have seen first hand the problems that arise from giving a child too much privacy and alone time. If they can't keep the door open then they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe if some people were more aware of the things teens did this generation wouldn't be so messed up. Yes, everyone deserves alone time but at what cost? I'm sure many parents of kids who committed suicide wished they made their children leave the door open.

I will not allow a closed door in my home. It's great if others feel it is ok but it's not something I will allow.

Not one thing you listed has anything to do with their bedroom door being closed, well except maybe the sex. And that one is fairly simple--don't let the bf/gf in the bedroom.

How about TEACHING your child right from wrong in the first place and then give them trust until they do something to lose that trust??

DD has a TV in her room, laptop and her phone in her room--she has given me NO reason not to trust her with these things. And we actually talk about WHY you don't do the things you have listed.

As for the cutting, please, keep in mind this is a mental health issue and has absolutely NOTHING to do with being behind a closed door. Its a kid crying for help.

If you do not allow your dd to close the door to her bedroom, you are asking for rebellion on that point. She will find the privacy she needs somewhere and you are bascially saying she can't find it in her own home.

 

[SaraJayne]

I have to say . . .You cannot prevent sexting unless you take away the cell phone. And in this day and age . . . Not going to happen.

I agree that the only way you 100% for sure know it isn't happening is to completely take the phone away.

 

[Lorelei Lee]

Please don't assume that because we allow our teens to keep their door closed we don't know what is going on with them. Keeping your kids from doing those things takes alot more than an open door. You may be insecure in your parenting skills that you think that of yourself, but don't make a blanket statement about the rest of us. Your dd is young, and you may find as she gets older your insecurity goes away, and you may allow her to keep her door open. If you don't, it won't matter, if she is inclined to do any of them, she'll just go lock herself in the bathroom them. Unless of course you won't let her close that door either.

As I said, kids will fnd a way if they want to. You need to have trust, an open dialogue, etc. Wgwrher the door is open or closed is irrelevant.

 

[Pigeon]

I cannot imagine being so paranoid that I needed to enforce a "no closed doors" policy in the house, unless my teen was a serial killer in training or something.

I can only imagine the kind of relationship that exists between parent and child when there is zero trust allowed to develop.

Now, I'm for keeping an eye on things and not going out my way to provide unnecessary temptation. Our computer is in a family space, I'm my kid's facebook friend and have passwords. That's honestly more about what other people might do than what my kid might do.

But to be so essentially mistrustful that your child cannot be trusted in their own bedroom for a few hours? If I were that kid, the minute I got out of the house, all my doors would be locked shut to any future relationship.

 

[goofy4tink]

Ready here we go:
Sexting
Watching porn
Drugs
Posting inappropriate things to Facebook.
Cutting
Blocking out the world
Sex

Should I keep going?


Yes, my child is young but I have seen first hand the problems that arise from giving a child too much privacy and alone time. If they can't keep the door open then they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe if some people were more aware of the things teens did this generation wouldn't be so messed up. Yes, everyone deserves alone time but at what cost? I'm sure many parents of kids who committed suicide wished they made their children leave the door open.

I will not allow a closed door in my home. It's great if others feel it is ok but it's not something I will allow.

No, you don't need to keep going. I think we get the idea. You've already gotten some good responses. But, allow me to add mine.

I am more than aware of what teens today are thinking and doing. And yes, some of them are very troubled. But, here's the thing to keep in mind. Not allowing them to close their bedroom doors is going to prevent only one thing....underage teenage sex happening in that bedroom. Other than that??? Nope, nothing will be prevented. Kids will cut, do drugs, etc., in bathrooms. They will do all sorts of nasty, awful stuff while out of the home. Suicide??? Yeah, there are plenty of other places beside bedrooms...believe me. I know parents that found their son hanging from a tree in their back woods.

Let me try to make you see something, otherwise, you're going to drive yourself nuts over the next 10 years or so.
Do your job as a parent. Hang out with your child. Know your kid's friends, know the families of their friends. Be visible in the schools...especially at a young age. Talk to your child...anytime, anyplace. Allow that child some space if they wish, but always be there for them. Have family meals as often as humanly possible. Know what is going on in your child's life. No, no one can know 100% what is going on, but most parents have a pretty darn good idea. If your child's attitude changes, try to find out why. If your child develops a problem, get them to a doctor or counselor. Don't be afraid of what others will say!!

We all hear and see stories about the poor kids that have had too much of life and so, take their own lives. We all hear about the kids who just can't cope, so they cut. But.....beleive me when I say that it isn't all that common. Does it happen? Of course it does. But, to a very small percentage of kids. Just be observant. And know your child. Give your child the tools he/she needs to deal with the world and life. That's about all you can do. Then, when they get to 18, you just have to let 'em go and pray you did all you could do. Been there, doing it again.....it's not easy. But no one ever said good parenting was easy.

A child that isn't allowed any freedom is the child who is going to feel distrusted. He/she is going to feel miserable about themselves, simply because they realize their parents do not trust them to make good choices. A child who isn't allowed to close their bedroom door is going to wonder why they are not trusted. And when a child feels that they aren't trusted to make good choices, they start making bad ones.
Give those kids the tools...they will surprise you. I know how hard it is to think down the road and realize the issues and troubles your now very young child is going to face. But believe me when I say, it will be fine. If you give that child what they need, they will make you proud.

 

[elizke]

No, you don't need to keep going. I think we get the idea. You've already gotten some good responses. But, allow me to add mine.

I am more than aware of what teens today are thinking and doing. And yes, some of them are very troubled. But, here's the thing to keep in mind. Not allowing them to close their bedroom doors is going to prevent only one thing....underage teenage sex happening in that bedroom. Other than that??? Nope, nothing will be prevented. Kids will cut, do drugs, etc., in bathrooms. They will do all sorts of nasty, awful stuff while out of the home. Suicide??? Yeah, there are plenty of other places beside bedrooms...believe me. I know parents that found their son hanging from a tree in their back woods.

Let me try to make you see something, otherwise, you're going to drive yourself nuts over the next 10 years or so.
Do your job as a parent. Hang out with your child. Know your kid's friends, know the families of their friends. Be visible in the schools...especially at a young age. Talk to your child...anytime, anyplace. Allow that child some space if they wish, but always be there for them. Have family meals as often as humanly possible. Know what is going on in your child's life. No, no one can know 100% what is going on, but most parents have a pretty darn good idea. If your child's attitude changes, try to find out why. If your child develops a problem, get them to a doctor or counselor. Don't be afraid of what others will say!!

We all hear and see stories about the poor kids that have had too much of life and so, take their own lives. We all hear about the kids who just can't cope, so they cut. But.....beleive me when I say that it isn't all that common. Does it happen? Of course it does. But, to a very small percentage of kids. Just be observant. And know your child. Give your child the tools he/she needs to deal with the world and life. That's about all you can do. Then, when they get to 18, you just have to let 'em go and pray you did all you could do. Been there, doing it again.....it's not easy. But no one ever said good parenting was easy.

A child that isn't allowed any freedom is the child who is going to feel distrusted. He/she is going to feel miserable about themselves, simply because they realize their parents do not trust them to make good choices. A child who isn't allowed to close their bedroom door is going to wonder why they are not trusted. And when a child feels that they aren't trusted to make good choices, they start making bad ones.
Give those kids the tools...they will surprise you. I know how hard it is to think down the road and realize the issues and troubles your now very young child is going to face. But believe me when I say, it will be fine. If you give that child what they need, they will make you proud.

 

[zurgswife]

No, you don't need to keep going. I think we get the idea. You've already gotten some good responses. But, allow me to add mine.

I am more than aware of what teens today are thinking and doing. And yes, some of them are very troubled. But, here's the thing to keep in mind. Not allowing them to close their bedroom doors is going to prevent only one thing....underage teenage sex happening in that bedroom. Other than that??? Nope, nothing will be prevented. Kids will cut, do drugs, etc., in bathrooms. They will do all sorts of nasty, awful stuff while out of the home. Suicide??? Yeah, there are plenty of other places beside bedrooms...believe me. I know parents that found their son hanging from a tree in their back woods.

Let me try to make you see something, otherwise, you're going to drive yourself nuts over the next 10 years or so.
Do your job as a parent. Hang out with your child. Know your kid's friends, know the families of their friends. Be visible in the schools...especially at a young age. Talk to your child...anytime, anyplace. Allow that child some space if they wish, but always be there for them. Have family meals as often as humanly possible. Know what is going on in your child's life. No, no one can know 100% what is going on, but most parents have a pretty darn good idea. If your child's attitude changes, try to find out why. If your child develops a problem, get them to a doctor or counselor. Don't be afraid of what others will say!!

We all hear and see stories about the poor kids that have had too much of life and so, take their own lives. We all hear about the kids who just can't cope, so they cut. But.....beleive me when I say that it isn't all that common. Does it happen? Of course it does. But, to a very small percentage of kids. Just be observant. And know your child. Give your child the tools he/she needs to deal with the world and life. That's about all you can do. Then, when they get to 18, you just have to let 'em go and pray you did all you could do. Been there, doing it again.....it's not easy. But no one ever said good parenting was easy.

A child that isn't allowed any freedom is the child who is going to feel distrusted. He/she is going to feel miserable about themselves, simply because they realize their parents do not trust them to make good choices. A child who isn't allowed to close their bedroom door is going to wonder why they are not trusted. And when a child feels that they aren't trusted to make good choices, they start making bad ones.
Give those kids the tools...they will surprise you. I know how hard it is to think down the road and realize the issues and troubles your now very young child is going to face. But believe me when I say, it will be fine. If you give that child what they need, they will make you proud.

Perfectly put. If you don't trust your teen you are setting yourself up for lots of problems...I have 4 teens and i have done everything that Goofy recommended in the paragraph above and I can state for a fact that I have 4 exceptional teens. I don't take all the credit they did end up with great thoughtful heads on their shoulders but knowing that they could come to me about anything any time made the teenage years a breeze in my house.

If you deny your dd basic privacy you will set yourself up for a possible rebellion and I have seen them in a few friends of my kids and it is not pretty at all....more drugs, sex and alcohol then one could ever imagine.

 

[elainesj]

What did your dh experience growing up? That sounds like it will color his wiews on the matter.

Also, on the whole, I find males don't typically need the same level of privacy girls do. DH grew up in a house where doors were left open as a matter of course, even at night. I dont think it ever occurred to him to close doors. When we got married, it ook him a long time to get used to me closing every door in sight.

For me, from about 9 or 10 I started wanting a lot more privacy. I shared a room with my brother at the time. My mom ended up letting me use the guest bedroom as my space and I hung out there with my door closed all day. (Really have no clue why she didn't just let me move there completely? Don't even know if I asked her to let me).

To this day, I need a lot of privacy. Many times I close my door on dh and the kids and he will keep them away so I can have my alone time. Dh on the other hand, has no concept of privacy LOL!!

From the time my kids were 3ish I have encouraged them to use their room as their "alone space". If they start to fight, I always give them the option of going to their own room and closing the door. (Sometimes I force the option LOL!)

My DD shares a room with her grandma and now that she is a tween, I've given her our guest bedroom in the basement as "her" space. She still sleeps upstairs but that's where she can go to be by herself, entertain friends, etc. I EXPECT the door to be closed plenty of times.

I can't fathom not giving a teenage girl her privacy.

 

[Ceila]

Ready here we go:
Sexting
Watching porn
Drugs
Posting inappropriate things to Facebook.
Cutting
Blocking out the world
Sex

Should I keep going?


Yes, my child is young but I have seen first hand the problems that arise from giving a child too much privacy and alone time. If they can't keep the door open then they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe if some people were more aware of the things teens did this generation wouldn't be so messed up. Yes, everyone deserves alone time but at what cost? I'm sure many parents of kids who committed suicide wished they made their children leave the door open.

I will not allow a closed door in my home. It's great if others feel it is ok but it's not something I will allow.

How about the bathroom door? Because several of the things you listed can be done quickly in a bathroom, too.

The truth is that having a loving, respectful, and trusting relationship with your kids will allow you much greater insight into what they're doing than forcing them to keep their door open at all times. That will backfire. No doubt about it, because doing so is not loving, not respectful, and not trusting.

Good luck to you and your princess. You'll both need it.

 

[grafxgirl]

When I was a teenager, my parents allowed all 4 of us to have our doors closed. It's just a part of growing up and having privacy. We were also a family that communicated regularly and knew that if we had something to tell them even if it was not good news they were going to be there to listen. They always reminded us that we could come to them with anything, it didn't mean they were going to be happy about it, but they would always be there to help. Knowing this, there was alot of trust between them and us kids. I have two kids of my own now that I am an adult. Once they hit the teenage years, I will do the same thing. Just try to show them a mutual respect and try to trust them with the basic privacy of hanging out in their rooms.

As far as the no teens of the opposite sex in the bedroom rule goes. I never did understand that, and still don't. If teens are going to explore sexuality, then it can happen anywhere...in the basement family room, in the car, at a friend's house, a hotel room, at a party, and the list goes on and on. My parents were of the same mindset, so they kept the communication open about sex. With that said, when I was a teenager and had a boy in my room did I close the bedroom door? No, I left it open because I thought it was a wise decision, not because mom and dad said I had to.

If your DH doesn't want your teenager talking on the phone or using the computer in the bedroom with the door closed because he feels like he needs to monitor then maybe the teenager should not have a phone or computer in his/her bedroom.

 

[grafxgirl]

Ready here we go:
Sexting
Watching porn
Drugs
Posting inappropriate things to Facebook.
Cutting
Blocking out the world
Sex

Should I keep going?


Yes, my child is young but I have seen first hand the problems that arise from giving a child too much privacy and alone time. If they can't keep the door open then they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe if some people were more aware of the things teens did this generation wouldn't be so messed up. Yes, everyone deserves alone time but at what cost? I'm sure many parents of kids who committed suicide wished they made their children leave the door open.

I will not allow a closed door in my home. It's great if others feel it is ok but it's not something I will allow.

But all those things can happen anywhere. Not just in their bedroom.

 

[StephMK]

Goofy4tink - great post!!!

We have raised our kids with the expectations of the house and the knowledge that we trust them until they give us a reason not to. DD17 has proven herself trustworthy - she is allowed to have her door closed AND has a computer in her room. She also knows that we may jump on her computer at any time. I am her FB friend, by choice, not to check up on her but I do see what's out there.

Last weekend, when I poked my head in her room, after knocking on her closed door, she was hanging out on her bed skyping w/a friend, who was hanging out on her own bed at her house.

DD knows her limits for the most part and is extremely responsible. She does not have a set curfew but we base it on where they going and what's a reasonable time based on the activity, to be home.

I feel pretty good about how she has grown up and her ability to make smart choices when she heads off to college next year. Now if she had given us any reason to be worried, then she may have had more restrictions put on her. She has been given freedom because she has our complete trust and she does not abuse it.

 

[Styx Fan]

Ready here we go:


Yes, my child is young but I have seen first hand the problems that arise from giving a child too much privacy and alone time. If they can't keep the door open then they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe if some people were more aware of the things teens did this generation wouldn't be so messed up. Yes, everyone deserves alone time but at what cost? I'm sure many parents of kids who committed suicide wished they made their children leave the door open.

I.

I totally agree with the other responses to this post, but would like to add something additional. Queen, how are you so much more aware of what teens do than the rest of us? Are you still a teenager? If you are, you must have led a very interesting life very young to think so poorly of teens. Beyond being a teen yourself, I cannot see how you know so much more than the rest of us about teens.

Many of the posters on this thread the parents of current teens, many have adult children. I have a 15 year old and make it my business to have a good relationship with lots of other teens...some friends of my son, some the kids of neighbors and friends. I actually like teens Lots of them are very good kids who are turned off by lots of their peers behavior. And since they don't indulge in that destructive behavior, they are very willing to tell me what goes on. And I really don't think the current crop is any worse than lots of the previous ones. Well, except for the younger ages they try adult things and their horrible spelling and grammar.....cripes, but texting has done a number on communication skills

 

[MrsDuck]

I was always allowed to!

 

[WowLookAtThat]

I was always allowed to!

Me too. I had a lot of siblings who were LOUD and sometimes I needed my privacy and some quiet. I probably wouldn't have been able to get my homework done in the kitchen with the kids always asking what I was doing or asking for something while I was doing my homework.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

Ready here we go:
Sexting
Watching porn
Drugs
Posting inappropriate things to Facebook.
Cutting
Blocking out the world
Sex

Should I keep going?


Yes, my child is young but I have seen first hand the problems that arise from giving a child too much privacy and alone time. If they can't keep the door open then they shouldn't be doing it. Maybe if some people were more aware of the things teens did this generation wouldn't be so messed up. Yes, everyone deserves alone time but at what cost? I'm sure many parents of kids who committed suicide wished they made their children leave the door open.

I will not allow a closed door in my home. It's great if others feel it is ok but it's not something I will allow.

....A teenager doesn't need to shut their door to do the things you listed. I feel kind of compelled to ask seeing as how you have "first hand" experience in these matters what kind of things did you do as a teen to make you think that taking away privacy is good for a teenager? I also feel that it is ignorant and harsh to judge parents' of the teen generation of today when clearly you don't have the experience to make that call.

Also, just because a teenager shuts a door doesn't mean that it is a huge indication of suicide. Sometimes a teenager feels that they cannot go to their parents for advice or help if their parent has become such a figure of authority that the teenager is scared to go to them for help.

 

[clh2]

I insist my teen keep the door closed...I am sick of looking at the mess.

Seriously - she is almost 18. (Can't believe I am saying that...) I would like to think that along the way - we've imparted a few things related to computers, cell phones, inapporpriate facebook postings etc. So - basically DD has earned our trust. If she does something to cause us concern...then that is a different story.

 

[RitaE]

When somebody says that a teen would never be allowed to shut their own bedroom door - does that mean that they are NEVER allowed any alone time? I mean, outside of the obvious toileting and bathing because I assume they are allowed those, but maybe I'm wrong there too because there's probably razor blades in those bathrooms.

Are they allowed to keep a journal or speak to friends without Mom listening in? I mean, they might be discussing S-E-X or talking something R-rated. If Mom feels the need to keep them under surveillance while they do their homework and watch tv in their own bedrooms at 6:30pm on a Tuesday night, I'm guessing she's going to want access to ALL their private thoughts for "their own good." Do they get to close their bedroom doors while they sleep or maybe Mom and Dad just never uninstalled the video baby monitor??????

That just seems so incredibly unhealthy to me and to tell you the truth more than a little creepy. I'm glad I didn't grow up with a Mom who wouldn't trust me to be alone behind a closed door. All kids and teens need some privacy and independence to some extent. What kid doesn't glorify their big mads by stomping off to their bedrooms and shutting that door at just the right amount of loudness that will get their I.AM.PISSED! point across but not bring Mom down on their butt for slamming the door. It's an art.

Is their first taste of "alone" going to happen as an adult? ... college?
.... in their twenties????

 

[Lorelei Lee]

Just a word about college.

Unless you're planning to keep your children home and attending college as commuters, they're going to be totally unprepared for college life unless you give them opportunities beforehand to exercise their judgement. (even if they are at home for college, it's not high school and they will have opportunities they didn't have before....)

Both of my girls were excited and nervous when they went away to college. Both had adjustment issues freshman year, but they adapted and did well. One is a sophomore and one is a senior, and they love living away from home.

Younger dd started freshman year with two roommates. One girl dropped out even before classes started, during freshman orientation. I don't know the whole story, but the parents wanted her to go away to college and she wanted to stay home. She felt completely overwhelmed being on her own. Very sad.