POLL: Honey, you're fat.

[kirstenb1]

This would never happen in my marriage.

1. My husband is too kind to ever treat me this way.

2. He sees me as beautiful...and who am I to argue?

3. My husband is not an imbecile with a death wish.

If some temporary fit of lunacy overcame him and he DID act this way, he would soon find himself wishing he had sewn his lips shut before we even left the house that evening.

good one!!!

 

[FireDancer]

That's a conversation to have in private, IMO, not in front of other people.

In the last five years or so, DH and I had both begun to put on a bit of weight. This summer, I hit my limit and just had the discussion with him. He didn't have to try to lose weight with me but he asked to. I've always been a very healthy cook but once you hit middle age and that quick metabolism slows down, the weight can kind of sneak up on you even though you're eating the same things. I made some adjustments to our diet alone and with very little angst or effort, we're both down to a more comfortable weight and we both feel better for it.

He's grateful to me for instigating the changes but this is not something I'd have ever discussed in front of other people. That just seems purposely hurtful.

I totally agree about private vs. public. I am curious though, it seems like when the wife brings it up it is a positive thing but if the husband brings it up it is mean and shallow, even if brought up in the same vein as what you described. Why is that?

I don't really mean on this thread or the one that spawned it (again, it wasn't done right in that case) but generally not only here but in the real world.

 

[DisneyCher]

I needed a nudge after my son was born. I suffered from PPD and didn't give a darn about exercising and getting back in shape, but being fat made me more depressed, so it was an awful catch-22. My husband and I talked about it in private and that was just what I needed. Saying that sort of thing in front of others, oogling other women, etc. is just wrong. That husband was being a jerk.

I've mentioned to my husband that he could be a bit more active and eat fewer late night snacks, but I do it at an appropriate time & place, and in a pleasant tone. I don't do it in a mocking way, either. He appreciated it, and he knows he needs more exercise.

 

[NMAmy]

I totally agree about private vs. public. I am curious though, it seems like when the wife brings it up it is a positive thing but if the husband brings it up it is mean and shallow, even if brought up in the same vein as what you described. Why is that?

I don't really mean on this thread or the one that spawned it (again, it wasn't done right in that case) but generally not only here but in the real world.

I don't know--is it considered mean and shallow for a man to bring it up in that manner? In my own case, I simply told DH that this was what I was doing for myself. He was welcome to join me or not but it was his decision. I didn't mention his weight at all but it was something he decided to do with me. Neither of us has been overweight before so it was new to both of us.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't know--is it considered mean and shallow for a man to bring it up in that manner? ...

I took Frank to mean that the men in this thread would respond positively to this sort of thing (take it upon themselves to change) while the women all seem to say that they would get angry/upset.

 

[shortbun]

So, how do you approach your SO about their weight/health without sounding insulting?

You say, sweetheart, I'm worried that your health might suffer and cut our time together short. What can I do to help you get more fit? Can I cook more? Shall we go workout together? Want to take a walk tonight after dinner?

 

[FireDancer]

I don't know--is it considered mean and shallow for a man to bring it up in that manner? In my own case, I simply told DH that this was what I was doing for myself. He was welcome to join me or not but it was his decision. I didn't mention his weight at all but it was something he decided to do with me. Neither of us has been overweight before so it was new to both of us.

Going by past experience here I would wager that "My husband mentioned to me that he noticed I had gotten a little out of shape and he was concerned" would be treated very differently than "I mentioned to my husband that I had noticed he was getting a little out of shape and was concerned". Doing it as a "we" scenario might mitigate it but I would still bet the response would be different.

It's just something I noticed. Even on this thread is seems the men would have no problem with their SO's privately letting them know they noticed while the women are being immediately defensive. I don't want to make it about individuals though, more about the general population KWIM.

I'm just curious, not saying anything is right or wrong.

 

[need2cruise]

Ha--we were just discussing this last night after we watched The Dr Oz Show I had recorded with the woman trying to gain 1800 lbs. They were showing footage of her....posing, etc. I said, honey, would you still love me if I was that size (I could tell by his facial expressions it wasn't a pleasant show for him to watch)? He looked at me, he said, I will always love you but you better not get that size! lol

Luckily we both value our health, eat healthy, exercise and are very active in our lives but I told him right then, if I ever start gaining for some reason, be it because we get lazy in our old age, medication, whatever--you better let me know within the first 5-10 lbs!

I would just hope that anything I needed to change physically or personality wise, etc--that he would be gracious enough to do it in private and not at the expense of entertainment for others!

 

[DaisyLynn]

Do people really not know if they've gained weight? Why does it have to be pointed out? "Look, you're fatter now!"

If it's going to be, I'd hope that it would be in private.

If my husband said something to me about putting on a few, I'd probably reply "no s**t, Sherlock" and get over it.

No one is going to lose weight unless they really want to. I find it hard to believe that someone is going to do it for anyone else, kwim?

Or maybe I'm looking at it all wrong

 

[U2_rocks!]

There is never any call for pointing out flaws in a spouse while oogling someone else - that's just rude! I'd sure be upset and angry!

I can understand private constructive criticism and helpful suggestions, but even they can be a little hurtful. I remember when my Dh very kindly and tactfully let me know that my rear end was getting a little wide ..... I was pretty hurt (and a bit embarrassed that I'd let myself go that much that he felt he needed to point it out - truth does hurt), but I didn't have the amount of anger that I would if it were in the context of him eyeing someone else and comparing us, as though that's all that matters in a wife.

 

[tlbwriter]

Do people really not know if they've gained weight? Why does it have to be pointed out? "Look, you're fatter now!"

That's what I was thinking. How is it possible that anyone would think their spouse isn't aware that he or she has gained weight?

Anyway.

"Hey, have you seen Jane lately? She looks great." <- fine

"Hey, have you seen Jane lately? She looks great. You should find out what she's doing." <- not so great

"Hey, Jane, you look great. Can you tell my spouse what you're doing, because he/she needs some help in that area." <- don't go to sleep tonight

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

That's what I was thinking. How is it possible that anyone would think their spouse isn't aware that he or she has gained weight?

Anyway.

"Hey, have you seen Jane lately? She looks great." <- fine

"Hey, have you seen Jane lately? She looks great. You should find out what she's doing." <- not so great

"Hey, Jane, you look great. Can you tell my spouse what you're doing, because he/she needs some help in that area." <- don't go to sleep tonight

Exactly!

 

[disykat]

My first thought on why a woman might react differently than a man to that kind of discussion is because not only do women take that kind of stuff more personally, a man might state it differently.

I think many women (and I know this wouldn't be true in all cases) would be more likely to worry about FEELINGS and be very careful to phrase it in a way that concentrates on health issues and minimizes the looks angle. Many men (and again, I know this wouldn't be true in all cases) might think "it's a fact she looks fat, so I'll simply state the facts" and not worry about feelings.

 

[BillSears]

I know guys look at things differently but imagine it's this...

"Hey, have you seen Jane's car lately? It's running great."

"Hey, have you seen Jane's car lately? It's running great. You should find out who her mechanic is."

"Hey, Jane, your car is running great. Can you tell my spouse who your mechanic is, because he/she needs some help in that area."

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My first thought on why a woman might react differently than a man to that kind of discussion is because not only do women take that kind of stuff more personally, a man might state it differently.

I think many women (and I know this wouldn't be true in all cases) would be more likely to worry about FEELINGS and be very careful to phrase it in a way that concentrates on health issues and minimizes the looks angle. Many men (and again, I know this wouldn't be true in all cases) might think "it's a fact she looks fat, so I'll simply state the facts" and not worry about feelings.

Agreed - but it is not because men don't care about their wives' feelings - it is because it never occurs to them that it might hurt their feelings. There is a difference.

Men are different than women. You would think that women would learn those differences and take them into account more often. After all, men are expected to read minds. This seems like a minor trade-off.

 

[curious3069]

I find it interesting that everyone assumes that the wife in this scenario is fat, though I guess the thread title does point to that. Maybe this other lady has gone up a cup size or two...or four.

My vote is that while weight might be a factor, this has much more to do with him announcing to everyone in earshot that he finds this other woman much more attractive than his wife and is visibly oogling her. Now, that might be the case, but announcing it is one heck of a jerk move.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I find it interesting that everyone assumes that the wife in this scenario is fat, though I guess the thread title does point to that. Maybe this other lady has gone up a cup size or two...or four.

My vote is that while weight might be a factor, this has much more to do with him announcing to everyone in earshot that he finds this other woman much more attractive than his wife and is visibly oogling her. Now, that might be the case, but announcing it is one heck of a jerk move.

In this case, he only did it in front of another couple that were close friends, and he was not hitting on the female friend - simply using her as a point of reference. Most of the posts about publicly announcing it are way off base. In fact, most of the oggling comments are also off base. This thread became misdirected at the outset.

 

[curious3069]

In this case, he only did it in front of another couple that were close friends, and he was not hitting on the female friend - simply using her as a point of reference. Most of the posts about publicly announcing it are way off base. In fact, most of the oggling comments are also off base. This thread became misdirected at the outset.

You know, I hate it when I read too fast and become party to the misdirect!!! Maybe that's a man/woman difference too...I read too much into it, much much more than was actually there. Hmmmm....definitely food for thought.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

I know guys look at things differently but imagine it's this...

"Hey, have you seen Jane's car lately? It's running great."

"Hey, have you seen Jane's car lately? It's running great. You should find out who her mechanic is."

"Hey, Jane, your car is running great. Can you tell my spouse who your mechanic is, because he/she needs some help in that area."

Okay, how about

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? It sounds great."

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? You should find out what book he read."

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? Jon, come tell my spouse what book that is you read because he/she needs some help in that area."

That would go over like a lead balloon around these parts.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Okay, how about

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? It sounds great."

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? You should find out what book he read."

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? Jon, come tell my spouse what book that is you read because he/she needs some help in that area."

That would go over like a lead balloon around these parts.

I would ask my wife to show me what she wants, then demand that we practice until I get it right.