POLL: Honey, you're fat.

[LuvsDragonflies]

I would ask my wife to show me what she wants, then demand that we practice until I get it right.

You're a good man DBF. lol

 

[GettingFuzzy]

Going by past experience here I would wager that "My husband mentioned to me that he noticed I had gotten a little out of shape and he was concerned" would be treated very differently than "I mentioned to my husband that I had noticed he was getting a little out of shape and was concerned". Doing it as a "we" scenario might mitigate it but I would still bet the response would be different.

It's just something I noticed. Even on this thread is seems the men would have no problem with their SO's privately letting them know they noticed while the women are being immediately defensive. I don't want to make it about individuals though, more about the general population KWIM.

I'm just curious, not saying anything is right or wrong.

I obviously don't speak for anyone, but I think it would be seen as she is concerned and he is using the word "concerned" as a smoke screen for looks, even if that's not the case. I don't agree with that, but, it could be taken that way, I really don't know.

Not saying that's the truth, what's really going on, or right. If I gained a few pounds to the point of obviousness, I would hope my husband would care enough about my health and our future together to say something. Just not in public. I also hope I never lose self awareness on that front either.

Do people really not know if they've gained weight? Why does it have to be pointed out? "Look, you're fatter now!"

If it's going to be, I'd hope that it would be in private.

If my husband said something to me about putting on a few, I'd probably reply "no s**t, Sherlock" and get over it.

No one is going to lose weight unless they really want to. I find it hard to believe that someone is going to do it for anyone else, kwim?

Or maybe I'm looking at it all wrong

If you're wrong, I'm right there with you. Both me and my pants know well before anyone else if I've gained a little weight.

 

[BillSears]

Okay, how about

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? It sounds great."

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? You should find out what book he read."

"Hey, have you heard about Jon's sex technique? Jon, come tell my spouse what book that is you read because he/she needs some help in that area."

That would go over like a lead balloon around these parts.

Hehe, that is good.

I would ask my wife to show me what she wants, then demand that we practice until I get it right.

 

[Disney Doll]

This would never happen in my marriage.

1. My husband is too kind to ever treat me this way.

2. He sees me as beautiful...and who am I to argue?

3. My husband is not an imbecile with a death wish.

If some temporary fit of lunacy overcame him and he DID act this way, he would soon find himself wishing he had sewn his lips shut before we even left the house that evening.

This.

 

[Disney Doll]

As a guy I'd take a comment like that as a wake up call. I'd take an honest look at myself and decide if the remark was true. If I agreed then I'd do something about it...or maybe I'd say the heck with it and I'd live with knowing that I'm not as attractive as I could/should be to my SO.

OK, but don't you think it would be better, if you loved someone and were truly concerned, to say to them, in provate, "Honey I love you and am truly concerned ABout your weight and how it might affect your health. I want you around for a long time. What can we do about this? I am willing to help you in any way necessary".

Doesn't that seem so much better than ogling someone else and making negative comments to your spouse?

 

[Disney Doll]

I totally agree about private vs. public. I am curious though, it seems like when the wife brings it up it is a positive thing but if the husband brings it up it is mean and shallow, even if brought up in the same vein as what you described. Why is that?

I don't really mean on this thread or the one that spawned it (again, it wasn't done right in that case) but generally not only here but in the real world.

If a husband and wife were having a conversation with a male neighbor who was working in his yard, and the wife said to her husband "Why do you have to have that middle aged paunch? Why can't you have rock hard abs like Duke here? Why don't you look as good in your work clothes as Duke does? Maybe you should go to the gym with Duke so he can show you how he works out" I would consider it mean and shallow.

 

[Disney Doll]

Going by past experience here I would wager that "My husband mentioned to me that he noticed I had gotten a little out of shape and he was concerned" would be treated very differently than "I mentioned to my husband that I had noticed he was getting a little out of shape and was concerned". Doing it as a "we" scenario might mitigate it but I would still bet the response would be different.

It's just something I noticed. Even on this thread is seems the men would have no problem with their SO's privately letting them know they noticed while the women are being immediately defensive. I don't want to make it about individuals though, more about the general population KWIM.

I'm just curious, not saying anything is right or wrong.

Probably because men are from Mars and women are from Venus. I say that in jest, but it probably really the difference in the way the sexes perceieve things.

 

[tlbwriter]

I know guys look at things differently but imagine it's this...

"Hey, have you seen Jane's car lately? It's running great."

"Hey, have you seen Jane's car lately? It's running great. You should find out who her mechanic is."

"Hey, Jane, your car is running great. Can you tell my spouse who your mechanic is, because he/she needs some help in that area."

You really think car problems are a good analogy for a person who has gained weight?

Try this.

"Hey, did you hear Joe got a big promotion? Isn't that great?"

"Hey, did you hear Joe got a big promotion? You should find out how he did it."

"Hey, Joe, congratulations on your big promotion! Can you tell my spouse how you did it, because he/she needs some help in that area."

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You really think car problems are a good analogy for a person who has gained weight?

Try this.

"Hey, did you hear Joe got a big promotion? Isn't that great?"

"Hey, did you hear Joe got a big promotion? You should find out how he did it."

"Hey, Joe, congratulations on your big promotion! Can you tell my spouse how you did it, because he/she needs some help in that area."

Telling a woman that she needs to lose weight = telling a man that he is a loser? Okay, do women place this much value on their own appearance? If so, whose fault is that?

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Telling a woman that she needs to lose weight = telling a man that he is a loser? Okay, do women place this much value on their own appearance? If so, whose fault is that?

Mens, of course. Silly.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Mens, of course. Silly.

 

[FireDancer]

If a husband and wife were having a conversation with a male neighbor who was working in his yard, and the wife said to her husband "Why do you have to have that middle aged paunch? Why can't you have rock hard abs like Duke here? Why don't you look as good in your work clothes as Duke does? Maybe you should go to the gym with Duke so he can show you how he works out" I would consider it mean and shallow.

I wasn't talking about calling them out publicly and said as much. I was talking about the difference in perception when the issue is brought up privately.

 

[Aisling]

If DH said something like that to me in front of the other woman, I'd be hurt and very very angry.

If he said it privately, like "so-and-so's looking really great lately, why don't you ask her what diet she's on", I'd take a long look at myself in the mirror.

 

[ckay87]

Why would something like that need to be said at all, public or private, nicely or not nicely? I have a mirror and a brain...and freewill to boot. I value my spouse but if I want his opinion on my appearance (and sometimes I do), I will ask for it.

 

[CurlyGirl]

I take great pride in staying in shape and if I started to let that slide I would want to be called on it. For me, that would be motivating. Of course I would hope they'd call me out privately instead of in front of people but either way I wouldn't get angry or upset.

I am the same way as you are. I take pride in staying in shape and don't want to "let myself go". When I was expecting our little one, I told DH that, if I started to look dumpy post-baby, I'd appreciate it if he told me so I could work on it. I told him I wouldn't be mad. Thankfully, with nursing, I lost the baby weight really fast and was back into my pre-baby clothes. So far, he hasn't needed to say anything to me but, if I start sliding, I'm glad to know he'll let me know.

Of course, this just applies to me.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Why would something like that need to be said at all, public or private, nicely or not nicely? I have a mirror and a brain...and freewill to boot. I value my spouse but if I want his opinion on my appearance (and sometimes I do), I will ask for it.

Because you are partners, and partners don't wait for their loved ones to ask for help, and this is help. Obesity kills.

If I noticed a lump in one of my wife's breasts or a new mole on her body, should I ignore it because she has a mirror and a brain?

 

[CurlyGirl]

Why would something like that need to be said at all, public or private, nicely or not nicely? I have a mirror and a brain...and freewill to boot. I value my spouse but if I want his opinion on my appearance (and sometimes I do), I will ask for it.

Maybe because the other person doesn't realize it? Denial?

 

[Aisling]

Why would something like that need to be said at all, public or private, nicely or not nicely? I have a mirror and a brain...and freewill to boot. I value my spouse but if I want his opinion on my appearance (and sometimes I do), I will ask for it.

I guess it depends of the kind of relationship one has with their spouse. DH and I have always given unsolicited opinions on each other's appearance. It's not done in a put-down way, but in a helpful way. Sometimes we follow the advice, sometimes we don't. But we both like to keep each other on our physical appearance toes. It works for us. (If done privately.)

 

[Andtototoo]

I think the different gender-based reactions to a spouse talking about the other's weight is based upon different expectations and values for attractiveness in our society based upon gender.

The "attractive" parameters of weight and age are much more restricted for women than men. Men are allowed to put on some weight and get obviously older and still be considered "hot" or at least, acceptable to women, whereas for the most part, women are not allowed to do the same and still be considered hot or acceptable.

Based upon what I see in our culture and IRL, I'd say that one reason why women would react so strongly to a negative comment from their husbands is because they are probably realizing consciously or unconsciously that they've just been told they have an expiration date.

 

[tlbwriter]

Telling a woman that she needs to lose weight = telling a man that he is a loser? Okay, do women place this much value on their own appearance? If so, whose fault is that?

I never used the word "loser." So you are saying that telling a man he needs to get a promotion is telling him that he's a loser. Do men place that much value on their earning potential?