(political) humor

[jennyanydots]

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
RESUME
George W. Bush
The White House, USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
LAW ENFORCEMENT:
a.. I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol, pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days.
b.. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
MILITARY:
a.. I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
b.. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
c.. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
COLLEGE:
a.. I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
b.. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
a.. I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
b.. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
c.. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
d.. With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
a.. I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state.
b.. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
c.. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
d.. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history..
e.. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
a.. I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
b.. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
c.. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
d.. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
e.. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
f.. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
g.. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
h.. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
i.. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
j.. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
k.. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
l.. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
m.. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
n.. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
o.. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
p.. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
q.. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
r.. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
s.. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.
t.. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
u.. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
v.. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
w.. I withdrew the U.S.from the World Court of Law.
x.. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
y.. I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
z.. I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
aa.. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
ab.. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
ac.. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center
ad.. attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
ae.. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
af.. I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
ag.. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time.
ah.. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.
ai.. I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
aj.. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
ak.. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
a.. All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
b.. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
c.. All records or minutes from meetings that I or my Vice-President attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.



Sad part is, it's not so funny when you realize it's true.

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW.

 

[AirForceRocks]

Sad part is, it's not so funny when you realize it's true

As is usually the case when you are discussing President Bush, your post contains some full truths, some half truths that are twisted to fit your agenda.

 

[ThreeCircles]

Originally posted by AirForceRocks
your post contains some full truths, some half truths that are twisted to fit your agenda.

Oh, Brenda! There you are!


You're discussing your views on the U.N. in the above quote, right?


Funny post Jennyanydots!

 

[AirForceRocks]

You're discussing your views on the U.N. in the above quote, right?

You couldn't prove I told any half truths on that thread when you were on it - are you hoping that you can say it here and no one will bother to look and see how wrong you are?

 

[Douglas Dubh]

As is usually the case when you are discussing President Bush, your post contains some full truths, some half truths that are twisted to fit your agenda.

And some are out right lies.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Which ones?

 

[AirForceRocks]

a.. I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.

h.. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

p.. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

u.. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history

t.. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

af.. I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

ah.. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.


And those are just the out and out lies...I don't have time to even begin to address the half-truths and subjective interpretations.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Okay, but what are the truths?

 

[Douglas Dubh]

And those are just the out and out lies

Add these as well:
a.. I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state.
c.. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
e.. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
e.. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
f.. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
g.. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
o.. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

There's probably more, too.

 

[JoeThaNo1Stunna]

It would be funny if it weren't outright lying.

 

[AirForceRocks]

Originally posted by theSurlyMermaid
Okay, but what are the truths?

a.. I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.

He didn't go AWOL.


h.. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

Job creation is up, job loss is down.

p.. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

Biggest energy crisis in U.S. history? Does anyone remember the long gas lines in the 70's? Gas rationing? Anyone?

u.. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history

He hasn't broken any treaties, though he has (rightfully) withdrawn us from a few.

t.. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

There is no such thing as the Ministry of Homeland Security. Not to mention the fact that the President doesn't create cabinet positions or bureaucracies, Congress does.

af.. I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

The last time I checked, 30% doesn't constitute a majority. That would be the percentage of Americans that opposed the war in Iraq.

ah.. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

He didn't lie, he passed on the intelligence information that he had been given and which he believed to be accurate.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Okie doke!!!

BTW, the resume may not be a back-slapper in and of itself, but what IS funny is the huge BUSH/CHENEY scrolls in the signatures of those all offended by it.

 

[richiebaseball]

Those are pretty good. Here's more political humor:

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding." —Jay Leno

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno


"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno


"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." —David Letterman

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." —Craig Kilborn


"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman


"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." —Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." —Jay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" —Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien

Richard

 

[AirForceRocks]

Where did anyone say they were offended by it? I find it funny, if for no other reason than it demonstrates the ignorance of the people that believe it to be the Gospel truth.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Richiebaseball: ROFL!!!

Good ones!

 

[richiebaseball]

Originally posted by theSurlyMermaid
Okie doke!!!

BTW, the resume may not be a back-slapper in and of itself, but what IS funny is the huge BUSH/CHENEY scrolls in the signatures of those all offended by it.

Ah, so that's how your spin works. I see one post with a Bush/Cheney logo. One. Uno. And from that one you get what IS funny is the huge BUSH/CHENEY scrolls in the signatures of those all offended by it.

Curious.

Just one man's opinion.

Richard

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Oopsies....I was also taking into account the little thought bubbles over their heads.

Humblest apologies.

 

[N.Bailey]

Well, you won't see any Bush signatures in my posts, but I couldn't be bothered with all that. Maybe one day! I didn't think the tag fairy was that big of a deal at one time either. That is, till I get tagged, and I admit, I did get excited by it!

Anyway, what jennyanydots posted was not an attempt at humor IMO. It was purely Bush bashing, without facts to back a word up I might add. This is not unusual for this poster though. She NEVER backs a word up! Surprise, Surprise, Surprise.

What richiebaseball posted however was purely humor! Again IMO only. Jokes from Leno and Letterman are classic style. I'm not saying you have to find it funny, and I suspect most Kerry supporters won't find it humorous, it is still considered humor. Disagree, take it up with Leno, Letterman!

 

[shortbun]

I don't get the last one about Kerry. All the rest are funny and
I agree that the ones about Bush are just darn scary, not funny.

 

[N.Bailey]

Originally posted by shortbun
I don't get the last one about Kerry. All the rest are funny and
I agree that the ones about Bush are just darn scary, not funny.

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." —Conan O'Brien


IMO only, so take that for what it's worth.

Dean started that he had a cold, but then Kerry took it back to Nam, like saying, he'd do anything he could to get his voice in there to state, "yet again" that he'd been in Nam.

I don't think anyone took that comment literally, but I'm certain many thought it funny.