Plz help.....teenaged son's girlfriend is pregnant UPDATE ON PG 13

[KimD]

thanks! oh it is just too weird to think of myself as a grandmother! just last week i was looking at hair dye to cover my grey! i'm 37 and don't feel "grandmotherly" at all!!! in less than 2 days my name has been changed to grandma by a few coworkers and my sister!

i do feel a little guilty, but i can't help but get a little excited thinking about a baby and it will be a beautiful one, of course

Hi there fellow young grandma!

I absolutely know exactly how you feel. My son and his GF are expecting TWINS in September. They are both 18 though but still WAY to young to be going thru this.

It was rough in the beginning...her dad was VERY upset and nonsupportive, threatening all kinds of whacky things. My DH didn't speak for about two weeks. It was hard but we were/are just there for them. Of course I cried and went thru a plethera of emotion. Up/down....excited/terrified. You name it we felt it. Then there's the poor kids. They have been together since they were freshman...almost 4 years. They've broken up twice and spent about 4 or 5 months apart each time but always mangaged to find thier way back to eachother so I honestly think they have a chance. They have grown so much in the past few months dealing with this, I'm actually impressed.

As of now she and the babies will be living w/us. We are moving our daughter in to our den (which is really a bedroom) and turn her room into a nursery. She is thrilled beyond belief and it works out for everyone. Her entire family (well except for her grouchy, mean ole' grandpa...who just refuses to acknowledge anything) are on board and supportive now. The kids will graduate in June like planned and my mom, DH & her mom will help watch the babies during the day when they have to work and of course their favorite grandma (ahem...me...cough) will watch them anytime I can. I think if we give them support, not take over as the babies parents, but provide them honest support then they have a chance. They want to get married but we all decided that they should wait a couple of years. Get on their feet and once they move into their own place we will throw the wedding of the century. No doubt these babies are my grandkids...no testing will be req'd here.

Just wait until you see them! I've been to two ultrasounds and we just paid to get a 4-d one done too...it is absolutely like nothing else...I tell ya!

BTW...I'm 37 too (almost 38 when they're born but still WAY too young to be a gma!)

Good luck tonight and take care! Let us know how it goes!

Kim

 

[PrincessKsMom]

The above was in response to my statement that women do not have menstrual cycles while pregnant.

I am not a woman nor a medical doctor. However, I am educated and I do know that women do not have menstrual periods while pregnant.

Perhaps you can point us to an acceptable medical source to support your statement that "Many women have their periods throughout the whole pregnancy"?

Many women do have occasional bleeding or spotting during a pregnancy, but it is not a menstrual cycle.

Here is an interesting link: http://womens-health.health-cares.net/pregnancy-spotting.php

Typical lawyer response. Call it what you like, semantics aside, many women to have enough bleeding during their pregnancy, and at somewhat regular intervals, for it to be very much like a period and for her to assume that it is her period. Also, this same type of thing happens frequently to women who are overweight. My MIL was overweight and got what she assumed was her period for the first six months of her pregnancy with my husband. She was shocked to find out at a doctor's visit that she was 5-6 months pregnant with my husband.

Clarification: what I should have said was that my MIL's periods were so irregular to begin with that the bleeding she did have she assumed was her period.

 

[luvmy3]

OP just wanted to offer you, your ds and his GF hugs

 

[legalsea]

Typical lawyer response. Call it what you like, semantics aside, many women to have enough bleeding during their pregnancy, and at somewhat regular intervals, for it to be very much like a period and for her to assume that it is her period. Also, this same type of thing happens frequently to women who are overweight. My MIL was overweight and got what she assumed was her period for the first six months of her pregnancy with my husband. She was shocked to find out at a doctor's visit that she was 5-6 months pregnant with my husband.

Hence the link I provided. Several people were stating that women have menstrual periods during pregnancy, which is not true. "Semantics aside", I was correct in my statements that while there may be occasional bleeding or spotting, it is not a menstrual cycle.

If a woman knows she is pregnant and she is having any bleeding she should see a doctor. She should not assume 'well, I read on Disney that many women have menstrual cycles while pregnant so I am ok'.

 

[Aristomommy]

As a mom of a 10 year old, I am surprised that this child has had a 1 year long "relationship" at age 15. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I wouldn't have a young adolescent that serious about a girl.

I hope that the parents of these children will discuss all available options with them. Adoption is the most selfless act, if they were to think what is best for everyone involved. A baby having a 15 yo father will likely be raised by the grandparents (and tax payers) financially and emotionally as he is not ready for this type of responsibility. He should be focusing on driver's ed and college options instead of diapers.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, but I have witnessed these situations too many times personally. A child is thought of as a cute baby instead of a life long commitment and in the end the most selfless act would be to give the baby mature, financially responsible parents that can provide for them.

OP: I wish you all the best. I hope the meeting goes well. You have received lot of sound legal advice that I would look into. I hop you can keep an open line of communication with the other family even if it means have them take a lead in some instances.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, let me give you a and then tell you how we are handling a simliar situation right now. My son is not a teenager, not in highschool. He is 25, but very immature and not really on his own (we are working on it though). His ex-girlfriend, who thankfully he is still very close to, is pregnant--baby due in July. She is not sure if it is his baby or the guy she started dating after they broke up.

We have told him that if this child is his; it is our grandchild and we will accept it no matter what. We will help them in any way we can and support whatever decision they make. We have made it clear that we will expect him to support this child and to be a father to this child regardless of their relationship. We also had a long talk with him about if the baby is not his and how he feels about this girl and this child. And now the ball is in their court and they have to make the decisions.

If he was a teenager, the only different thing I would have said to him is that he is expected to finish high school and that then we would try to help them while he went to college or vocational school or something of that nature (and the same for her). This is a baby--very possibly your grandchild. Keep that in mind in all that will happen over the next few months.

Your son's life is not over; its just taken a different turn.

 

[sbell111]

Hence the link I provided. Several people were stating that women have menstrual periods during pregnancy, which is not true. "Semantics aside", I was correct in my statements that while there may be occasional bleeding or spotting, it is not a menstrual cycle.

If a woman knows she is pregnant and she is having any bleeding she should see a doctor. She should not assume 'well, I read on Disney that many women have menstrual cycles while pregnant so I am ok'.

I have read that menstruation could occur during month one, but I don't think that menstruation could occur after implantation without aborting the fetus.

 

[bunny]

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college. But I wonder why noone advocates them getting married. Surely if they are old enough to be parents and live together, they are old enough to be married. It is a little too late to be concerned with the big wedding. It would ultimately provide a more stable home for the baby if the parents are legally commited to one another. I assume the reason most don't get married is to continue to receive government assistance.

 

[bunny]

We have made it clear that we will expect him to support this child and to be a father to this child regardless of their relationship.

He will be required by law to do that, so he better mature really quickly. The legal system is not kind to immature dads.

 

[claudia]

I went back and read the 5 pages after I posted.... couldn't help getting enveloped in this thread....

I think this mentality is sad, and rude. If he doesn't think so, and doesn't think to ask her, why does everyone assume just because they are teens, or just because they aren't married, that they are unfaithful??

You think it is sad and rude to want a 15 year old boy to establish paternity??

 

[KimD]

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college. But I wonder why noone advocates them getting married. Surely if they are old enough to be parents and live together, they are old enough to be married. It is a little too late to be concerned with the big wedding. It would ultimately provide a more stable home for the baby if the parents are legally commited to one another. I assume the reason most don't get married is to continue to receive government assistance.

The reason that this decision has been made in my family is because after weighing all the options everyone (especially THEM) felt it was better to wait. They are currently engaged and they want to tackle one thing at a time. By the way, neither one of them are receiving any type of assistance other than from family and won't. I said big wedding as a reference...not to say that that is THE reason they are waiting...no one NEEDS to have a big wedding but I honestly think running out and getting married is very old fashioned. They are clearly very committed to each other and have no plans of running off or doing anything else. They also are both signed up for their own vocational school (my son is going to a local computer tech place that my DH did and has done VERY well! oh and we were young too ) And she was planning on being and will still become a nursing assistant eventually becoming a nurse (although she's now not starting until spring of next year due to starting scheduled and when the babies are born).

It's possible...in fact I'm living proof! You just need to have a little faith!

 

[luvsJack]

As a mom of a 10 year old, I am surprised that this child has had a 1 year long "relationship" at age 15. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I wouldn't have a young adolescent that serious about a girl. .

Just out of curiosity, how exactly would you stop it? A 15 year old is not going to be with you 24/7 and if you start telling him/her they can't see someone; that exactly when they think they cannot live without them.

 

[ckay87]

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college. But I wonder why noone advocates them getting married. Surely if they are old enough to be parents and live together, they are old enough to be married. It is a little too late to be concerned with the big wedding. It would ultimately provide a more stable home for the baby if the parents are legally commited to one another. I assume the reason most don't get married is to continue to receive government assistance.

Being married is yet another thing this boy is too young for. He's too young to handle being a parent, but it's too late. I doubt he's equipped to be a proper spouse. Marriage takes a pretty high level of maturity to handle as well.

Yes, I know, I know....they shouldn't have been having sex if they weren't prepared to marry. Teenagers, unfortunately, do not think this way. And you know, I don't think they ever have.

Getting married because they "have to" just seems to me like setting them up for yet another failure. Sad but true.

The ideal solution would be for her to give the baby up for adoption. But that's ultimately her decision.

 

[luvsJack]

He will be required by law to do that, so he better mature really quickly. The legal system is not kind to immature dads.

uhhh, thanks? He knows exactly what he needs to do and doesn't need the legal system to tell him. But thanks anyway. Not everyone needs "the legal system" to tell them right from wrong.

 

[horseshowmom]

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college. But I wonder why noone advocates them getting married. Surely if they are old enough to be parents and live together, they are old enough to be married. It is a little too late to be concerned with the big wedding. It would ultimately provide a more stable home for the baby if the parents are legally commited to one another. I assume the reason most don't get married is to continue to receive government assistance.

Being married is yet another thing this boy is too young for. He's too young to handle being a parent, but it's too late. I doubt he's equipped to be a proper spouse. Marriage takes a pretty high level of maturity to handle as well.

Yes, I know, I know....they shouldn't have been having sex if they weren't prepared to marry. Teenagers, unfortunately, do not think this way. And you know, I don't think they ever have.

Getting married because they "have to" just seems to me like setting them up for yet another failure. Sad but true.

The ideal solution would be for her to give the baby up for adoption. But that's ultimately her decision.

I completely agree concerning their getting married - except as far as adoption goes, it's ultimatley their decision as opposed to just being hers since fathers also have to give consent.

 

[TheZue]

Just out of curiosity, how exactly would you stop it? A 15 year old is not going to be with you 24/7 and if you start telling him/her they can't see someone; that exactly when they think they cannot live without them.

I agree 100%. When I was in grade 10 I was good friends with a Jehovah's Witness and his parents were adament against him dating his girlfriend. They went as far as to pull him out of school all together to try to stop it. They kept dating secretly for a few months and eventually broke up like most high school couples do regardless of parental involvement, but he never graduated. There are worse things than dating in high school.

And to the OP. A couple of my friends did end up pregnant as teens. One is a lab tech or something and it gave her MOTIVATION to finish college faster than the rest of us because she wanted to give her son a good life. The other is was a stay at home mom to two great boys...she ended up needed a hysterectomy in her early 20s so it was actually extremely lucky she ended up in that situation because otherwise she never would have had children...and she's still with the dad 16 years later. Of course there is the third friend that met and exceeded every stereotype about teen parents...but that doesn't have to be their fate and from my experience it wasn't even the majority that turned out that way. It's stressful now, but if the girl does decide to keep the baby you guys will have a new family member soon.

 

[bunny]

I agree that they are too young to be married but I also think they are too young to live together which is something the OP was contemplating. If the baby is her son's, he needs to consult a lawyer as soon as possible to setup up child support and visitation. If the mother is not able to raise the baby, maybe the OP's son should go for full custody and give the mom visitation. But I don't think allowing her 15 year old to live with his 17 year old girlfriend is appropriate. That is only begging for a second baby.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wishing on a star - maybe I'm wrong, but was your DH the one a few years ago who discovered he had a fathered a child when he was a teenager?

Nope, as the other poster already chimed in.... wasn't me.

Look, there is a baby on the way...
The possible baby of the OP's 15 year old child.
The possible grandchild of the OP.
Nothing will change that!!!
Everyone, including me, has posted that at this point, what is done is done and the OP needs to proceed as positively as possible. (go back and re-read if you want...)

It is not that I am trying to be negative.
But, I have not heard ONE single word from the OP showing concern for her son... It is like she is almost happy (and proud) that her child is in this situation as it might provide her with an adorable baby. Not ONE word about what her son thinks. Not ONE word about how he is feeling, how her son may be being affected by all of this. Even possible criminal charges...

I feel like I am seing some huge flags that others are missing here.


Within hours of getting the news, she is talking about moving the baby and the mother into her home.

And, as more recent posts have mentioned, this boy has been with this girl since he barely passed his 14th year of age.

NOPE, as the mother of an 11 year old son who will be that age before I know it... no way will my child be given that kind of opportunity and even encouragement at that age. This is my opinion... There are those who may disagree... But, this does not make me negative or snarky.

I truly am concerned for the OP's son.

Having said that....
Let's not sidetrack this thread bickering and pointing fingers at each other... For the OP's sake... Let's post to her regarding her current situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree that they are too young to be married but I also think they are too young to live together which is something the OP was contemplating. If the baby is her son's, he needs to consult a lawyer as soon as possible to setup up child support and visitation. If the mother is not able to raise the baby, maybe the OP's son should go for full custody and give the mom visitation. But I don't think allowing her 15 year old to live with his 17 year old girlfriend is appropriate. That is only begging for a second baby.

I totally agree!

 

[LukenDC]

there's just no point in beating them up over it now. the damage is done and we'll ALL have to deal with it. no reason to make a bad situation worse.

You are a very reasonable, understanding parent. Your son and his girlfriend, as well as the baby, are lucky to have you in their lives.