Please remove this thread!!

[Stitch76]

Hello, could you please remove this thread. Some people don't want it on this board, and I do not want to upset anyone. That was not my intention at all. Thank you!!

I found out some terrible news yesterday, and I am torn as to what to do.
DH and I have 2 great friends we have known for years (and years). They are a great couple (married for nearly 20 years), and have a beautiful daughter.
Yesterday though, DH came home and told me that the guy was at work, bragging about some things that happened while he was on the road last week.
DH told me not to tell anyone, and I don't want to break his trust, or the trust his friend has in him (they are like brothers), but what about his wife (who is like a sister to me). If this were my DH I would want to know, (so I could kill him, and bury him in the backyard).
I am so torn. Do I tell her and ruin their marriage, have DH furious with me because he told me in confidence, and ruin a great friendship with long time friends, or do I stay quiet and bite my tongue.
I have not seen my friend since this news, but I know when I do I'll just want to cry. I am so sad for her.
I hate being put in this situation!!

 

[jcano]

Well, thanks to your DH for informing you and putting you in this situation. What was he thinking???

 

[soccerchick]

Is there any chance that his "bragging" was also lying? Was it a one-night stand type of thing? Or did he take a girlfriend on his trip with him?

I really don't know what I *would* do. Hypothetically, I think I'd ask DH to approach him and tell him how disappointed he was to hear his bragging. Hopefully he can find a caring, supportive way tell him that he, the friend, needs to tell the wife AND seek medical testing for STDs.

If it is true, you and your DH will have to reevaluate the friendships and determine what you can live with. No matter what, your friend's actions will (have) change(d) the dynamics of your friendship anyway.

Sorry you are stuck in this horrible spot.

 

[ekatiel]

I would talk to DH and tell him that the friend's wife deserves to know what's happened. Give DH a chance to talk the friend into telling his wife himself. If the friend refuses to to tell the wife, then I would tell her. DH should not be mad at you. DH should be as outraged by the behavior as you are, and should let his friend know that it's not OK and he needs to tell his wife or someone else will. JMO. --Katie

 

[cm8]

I found out some terrible news yesterday, and I am torn as to what to do.
DH and I have 2 great friends we have known for years (and years). They are a great couple (married for nearly 20 years), and have a beautiful daughter.
Yesterday though, DH came home and told me that the guy was at work, bragging about some things that happened while he was on the road last week.
DH told me not to tell anyone, and I don't want to break his trust, or the trust his friend has in him (they are like brothers), but what about his wife (who is like a sister to me). If this were my DH I would want to know, (so I could kill him, and bury him in the backyard).
I am so torn. Do I tell her and ruin their marriage, have DH furious with me because he told me in confidence, and ruin a great friendship with long time friends, or do I stay quiet and bite my tongue.
I have not seen my friend since this news, but I know when I do I'll just want to cry. I am so sad for her.
I hate being put in this situation!!

Her marriage is already ruined.......she just doesn't know it yet. If she is like your sister tell her and be prepared for the fallout. Whatever you decide it will be a life changing event for her. I would want to know.

 

[hereyago]

Tell her. Her health (since Mr. Player may have not used a condom) trumps his asking you not to tell anyone.

 

[pigletto]

Her marriage is already ruined.......she just doesn't know it yet. If she is like your sister tell her and be prepared for the fallout. Whatever you decide it will be a life changing event for her. I would want to know.

Ditto. HER HUSBAND has ruined their marriage. Not you.

He clearly has no respect for her. And please consider the implications to her health if he is sleeping with random women . She has a right to know.
I can only imagine how devastated I would be if my husband not only cheated on me, but my friends knew and didn't think enough of me to tell me.

Sometimes situations are thrust upon us that are not our fault, or our doing, but still require us to go forward and do what is kind and fair. I don't envy your position but to me, the right answer is clear.

 

[pigletto]

I would talk to DH and tell him that the friend's wife deserves to know what's happened. Give DH a chance to talk the friend into telling his wife himself. If the friend refuses to to tell the wife, then I would tell her. DH should not be mad at you. DH should be as outraged by the behavior as you are, and should let his friend know that it's not OK and he needs to tell his wife or someone else will. JMO. --Katie

And while I agree with this advice in theory, I wouldn't give him time to come up with an elaborate story to make you all look crazy. I highly doubt anyone who would treat his wife so terribly would have any qualms about saying you were lying or jealous or whatever...

 

[luvmy3]

Anyone stupid enough to brag about their infidelity deserves everything they get. If he didn't want his wife to know then he shouldn't have opened his mouth at work. I'd tell her but I would definitely tell my dh that I was going to.

 

[hereyago]

OP: I'd honestly also tell your DH he should watch who he associates with from now on. This guy is like a brother to him? does he still feel the same way now with his actions?

 

[Kellydelly]

I would mind your own business. Tell your husband to keep his work stories to himself . It is not your place to destroy your friend's marriage . I have a friend who is cheating on her spouse. From what I can tell it's a loveless/sexless marriage. I would never tell her husband, even though I believe what she's doing is awful. I am just grateful to not be in their shoes.

 

[chimilady]

Chances are that you will no longer be friends. Because she will hate you if you tell, and hate you if you don't. I agree it was your husband who did this to you. He should have kept his mouth shut.

 

[GSUJillybean]

Yeah.... she needs to be tested. I think you guys have to tell.

Could you talk to the husband and tell him that if he doesn't tell her, you will?

 

[furb & dez]

It's none of your business; stay out of it. You have no idea if they have an open marriage or whatever.

And your husband is a bad friend for telling you.

 

[Stitch76]

I don't think he was lying, he's usually not the kind to brag about anything, let alone something like this.

DH is disgusted with this behavior as well, but his attitude toward it is that it's their business, and we should stay out of it. DH did tell him he was disappointed in him, but that's as far as that discussion went.
However my take on it is, yeah it's "their" business, but if it was me, I think that I would want someone to tell me.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[pigletto]

It's none of your business; stay out of it. You have no idea if they have an open marriage or whatever.

And your husband is a bad friend for telling you.

Her husband is a bad friend? For not keeping the secrets of a liar? Not my definition of friendship.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't think he was lying, he's usually not the kind to brag about anything, let alone something like this.

DH is disgusted with this behavior as well, but his attitude toward it is that it's their business, and we should stay out of it. DH did tell him he was disappointed in him, but that's as far as that discussion went.
However my take on it is, yeah it's "their" business, but if it was me, I think that I would want someone to tell me.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm normally a MYOB type and nobody here will have the right answer for you. I don't envy you for the position you are in, but if were me and I thought of my friend "like a sister", I'd ask myself if I would tell my sister. Then I'd have my answer.

 

[mrs.beast]

Regardless of how you feel about her, your spouse trusted you. You have no right to break his trust. He specifically asked you not to tell. If you respect and care for him, you keep quiet. He, not your friend, should come first.

 

[hereyago]

I beg to differ. OP and her DH have been friends with this couple for years and years. I would think if it were an open marriage, at some time it would have been mentioned.

 

[3happydancers]

I found out some terrible news yesterday, and I am torn as to what to do.
DH and I have 2 great friends we have known for years (and years). They are a great couple (married for nearly 20 years), and have a beautiful daughter.
Yesterday though, DH came home and told me that the guy was at work, bragging about some things that happened while he was on the road last week.
DH told me not to tell anyone, and I don't want to break his trust, or the trust his friend has in him (they are like brothers), but what about his wife (who is like a sister to me). If this were my DH I would want to know, (so I could kill him, and bury him in the backyard).
I am so torn. Do I tell her and ruin their marriage, have DH furious with me because he told me in confidence, and ruin a great friendship with long time friends, or do I stay quiet and bite my tongue.
I have not seen my friend since this news, but I know when I do I'll just want to cry. I am so sad for her.
I hate being put in this situation!!

I am thinking you should first sit down with your husband explain to him how he put you in a very "uncomfortable" position. I would also see if he would be opened to the idea of having a good heart to heart with his friend. You know, we teach our kids that they should own up to their mistakes and I think your husband's friend needs to do the same. Really, he should be the one to go to his wife (easier said than done). But as a friend, I could see how you are compelled to protect your friend/his wife.

I can't tell you whether or not to tell his wife. Saying nothing to your friend and then IF she finds out you knew (at whatever point), could cause problems between you two BUT...if you tell her, you could still end up in a bad situation. Also, if you go against what your husband asked, you break his trust in you, which does not solve your dilemma.

Do remember that whatever the outcome with this friend and his wife, you are not responsible for ruining their marriage.

Sorry I could not be much help.