Please remove this thread!!

[Eeyore98]

It's none of your business; stay out of it. You have no idea if they have an open marriage or whatever.

As someone who has an open marriage, I would have NO problem with a friend who didn't know that coming to me in concern. I would simply thank them and tell them about DH's and my arrangement.

In fact, I would think more highly of them as a friend after that.

 

[Stitch76]

It's none of your business; stay out of it. You have no idea if they have an open marriage or whatever.

And your husband is a bad friend for telling you.

well bad friend or not, me and DH do NOT keep secrets from each other, no matter how small, how bad, or whatever. This is the reason we have been able to stay happily married for nearly 17 years. And as far as them having an open marriage, uhhh no. She is a pretty jealous person. I don't see her putting up with something like this.

Regardless of how you feel about her, your spouse trusted you. You have no right to break his trust. He specifically asked you not to tell. If you respect and care for him, you keep quiet. He, not your friend, should come first.

This is what I'm thinking as well. I don't want to break any trust between me and DH, but I don't know how I can face my friend without breaking down. I'm not good at hiding my emotions.

 

[marie1203]

I been in your situation before and I didn't tell and the only reason why was because DH and the guy were going to deploy together really soon this would have divided the guys and that is not what you need during deployment. I must admit during the deployment a few months after I created a fake email and told her everything. This way no one knew who did it so the guys didn't have any problems.

 

[furb & dez]

As someone who has an open marriage, I would have NO problem with a friend who didn't know that coming to me in concern. I would simply thank them and tell them about DH's and my arrangement.

In fact, I would think more highly of them as a friend after that.

Actually, on reflection, it could be the friend's (really) clumsy way of trying to feel out how the hubby feels about swinging/open relationships.

 

[fakereadhed]

Can't believe the responses you got so far.

Their marriage is none of your business. Unfortunately, now that it has fallen into your lap, it's your burden. The easiest thing to do is tell her. Do the hard thing and bite your tongue.

Guys on business trips brag about all sorts of things that may or may not be true. Is it summer's eve-like behavior? You bet! Is it true? Unless you were there you don't know.

If you feel compelled to talk to anyone, you(and/or your DH) should talk to her husband and tell him if you ever anything else like that you will have to tell your friend that you're hearing rumors. And that's what they are- rumors.

 

[disneyfreakk]

Regardless of how you feel about her, your spouse trusted you. You have no right to break his trust. He specifically asked you not to tell. If you respect and care for him, you keep quiet. He, not your friend, should come first.

This.

No way would I disrespect my DH by telling. Good luck with your decision.

 

[TreslovesWDW]

Just last week me,my husband my sister and brother in law found out that my brother in laws sisters husband cheated. Now they got in a fight he left for a day or two in that time cheated. He works with my brother in law at work told another guy they work with who told my brother in law (he thought it was a joke)He also told my brother in laws brother to his face that he cheated on his sister.Now last weekend the brother told my brother in law right here at my house,their first reaction was to get up and go get him,then decided not to,they are both struggling with this and are so upset.They want to kill him and tell their sister but don't want to ruin the family btw she just had a baby 3 weeks ago has a 3 yr old and 10 yr old.They are still undecided if they are going to tell her or MAKE him tell her.We are all close and all live close,I want to tell her but it is none of my business.The question is why would this guy (who I do know well), tell a guy he works with knowing maybe it would get to my brother in law and tell his wifes other brother,does he want to get killed or does he want out of this marriage and hoping that they tell her????Who knows and I still don't know what is going to happen but I do know as hard as it is it is none of my business to tell.

 

[T. Lynn]

I was in a similar situation and in a way it's like playing with fire. A feeling of "getting caught" but not really - maybe it thrills them.

My ex cheated on me and was seeing girls behind my back and apparently for YEARS. About 5 of his friends (which some don't even know each other) started coming forward little by little. I was with this man for 19 years and didn't want to accept that a guy who I've been dating since I was 15 would do this to me. I didn't hold any grudges against his friends for keeping it from me for all these years. I kept my mouth shut for years because I felt ashamed for my family to find out and me wondering "why did this happen to me". Since I was kinda in denial, it also allowed me to keep track of things because I had to put the puzzle pieces together as my ex was a pathological liar. He would tell me he was working, but in fact at the bar. I didn't believe in divorce so for the sake of keeping my family together and dealing with his threats, I stayed...

After going into deep depression, I knew it was time to leave the situation as it was "unhealthy" and not the kind of relationship I wanted my daughter to see. I wanted her to see 2 loving people who wouldn't do anything so detramental to the other. That is NOT love. I'm glad they finally came forward because they said I didn't deserve to be treated like that and they were right. I deserved to love someone who loved me in return!

Please sit down with your husband and maybe you both can confront the other man friend. This type of action normally progresses and only gets worse. You could actually make a Lifetime movie out of the ordeal I've been thru :-(

Best of luck to you and your gf.

 

[charliesmom86]

I see where you are torn..However, wouldn't your spouse have thought that this would cause you to feel conflicted? If so, he could have kept it to himself. Later on when it all came out, he could have said..I thought something might be up but didn't have concrete evidence to say anything.

I feel as though either way the friendship may be in trouble because as a previous poster stated..she may be mad if you don't tell..and she may be angry or embarrassed if you do..

However...if you feel like you wear your emotions on your sleeve..as I do..then the only option is to tell her. First off, you would want to know..and second off..its going to be on your mind whenever you are around her..I wish you all the best..I can only imagine it must be hard.

 

[DisneyLoverUSA]

The main reason I say don't tell is because your DH told you in confidence and asked you not to say anything. First of all I would be pissed off at my DH for burdening me with the information to begin with if he didn't want me to tell. Especially with him knowing you were best friends and close like sisters....how could he expect you NOT to tell her? I would be so mad at him. I would tell him that I am going to keep my mouth shut because you asked me to, but from now on we can't be friends with them or hang out with them, for one because he is an untrustworthy prick but secondly because I can't be friends with her and NOT tell her what I know.

 

[Judique]

Some couples can survive this type of behavior and keep their marriages together and work towards forgiveness and some women (and some men) just put up with it and let the cheater do whatever.

I personally could not deal with it.

So, in some cases ignorance is bliss.

I would want to be told.

Not sure I would want to be in Stitch's position though.

I think you need to discuss it with your husband and go with what you both think is the right thing to do. You should not let their issues impact your marriage.

The cheater has already told on himself. He doesn't deserve consideration, whether he was lying or bragging. He's a dirtbag either way.

 

[leighe]

As someone who's first marriage ended because of my ex's chronic infidelity - TELL HER.

If I were in your situation, I'd talk to my DH first and tell him that I was very sorry, but that I just couldn't not tell her. And since you all have been friends for so long, he should be able to understand. And she doesn't have to tell her jerky husband how she found out. If he's telling guys at work there's a good chance he's told other people.

The friend who told me thought I would hate her too and I didn't at all. I was completely shocked but I never doubted her. Why would I? I knew she cared about me and wouldn't want to hurt me purposefully. As it turns out, she'd known for about 6 months and had been agonizing over telling me. Especially as I'd confided in her some things that concerned me about my ex that she knew were probably true. We are still very close friends today and I am so, so thankful she opened my eyes.

She deserves to know. Tell her.

 

[LJSquishy]

Absolutely the wife should know as soon as possible. I can't understand you even hesitating to tell her. What if your husband was cheating and you friends knew but didn't tell you? It is a no-brainer. Tell her as soon as you can.

 

[North of Mouse]

As terrible as it is, I would keep out of it. She will find out soon enough and may really need you as a friend when she does. Otherwise ,beware the bearer of bad news. She will not thank you for it, especially if they can reconcile (or not). She may already know, I'm positive I would be able to tell. It's a terrible situation for you to be in, but sometimes we just have to keep our mouths shut no matter. It really isn't yours or your husband's business to interfere.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

As someone who's first marriage ended because of my ex's chronic infidelity - TELL HER.

If I were in your situation, I'd talk to my DH first and tell him that I was very sorry, but that I just couldn't not tell her. And since you all have been friends for so long, he should be able to understand. And she doesn't have to tell her jerky husband how she found out. If he's telling guys at work there's a good chance he's told other people.

The friend who told me thought I would hate her too and I didn't at all. I was completely shocked but I never doubted her. Why would I? I knew she cared about me and wouldn't want to hurt me purposefully. As it turns out, she'd known for about 6 months and had been agonizing over telling me. Especially as I'd confided in her some things that concerned me about my ex that she knew were probably true. We are still very close friends today and I am so, so thankful she opened my eyes.

She deserves to know. Tell her.

I completely agree with this post.

 

[prncess674]

Is your DH's friend in a high powered job? or person of significant wealth?

There are many women who are married to rich men who turn a blind eye to cheating knowing that if they get a divorce it will have an adverse effect on their life. If the husband is flaunting his road trip affairs then he probably knows he can get away with it. The situation sucks. Most guys can't cheat without the wife figuring it out. I would tell the OP to bite her lip.

 

[cornflake]

If you want to tell her without breaking your husband's confidence - is there a workaround? Did he brag in front of other people or just to your husband? Might there be someone else who knew who, even if they obviously didn't tell you, your husband wouldn't be the only place the info might have come from...

 

[CTdiznymom]

OP, I'm sorry that your DH put you in this position bc it could possibly end your close friendship. I don't understand why it should be just you telling her. I think I would have a serious discussion with my DH about how this "friend" of his has ruined his marriage, and your friendships, and how he has possibly could have passed along an STD. Then, I would TELL him that you were BOTH going to tell the wife if he can't convice the cheater to tell her himself. If your DH thinks its wrong than why not step up? He should be dumping him as a friend regardless.

 

[adisneymama]

I would talk to DH and tell him that the friend's wife deserves to know what's happened. Give DH a chance to talk the friend into telling his wife himself. If the friend refuses to to tell the wife, then I would tell her. DH should not be mad at you. DH should be as outraged by the behavior as you are, and should let his friend know that it's not OK and he needs to tell his wife or someone else will. JMO. --Katie

I agree with this. But your DH needs to make it clear that this is not something he can keep in secret for him. Give him the chance to tell first, but if he doesn't then you tell the wife with your dh's consent.

 

[Stitch76]

Is your DH's friend in a high powered job? or person of significant wealth?

There are many women who are married to rich men who turn a blind eye to cheating knowing that if they get a divorce it will have an adverse effect on their life. If the husband is flaunting his road trip affairs then he probably knows he can get away with it. The situation sucks. Most guys can't cheat without the wife figuring it out. I would tell the OP to bite her lip.

No, actually quite the opposite. They were in a lot of financial trouble, and he was in a dead end job. DH got him a good job where he was working, although it requires some travel the money is not bad, but still far from rich.


Me and DH sat down and had a huge heart to heart about this when he got home from work tonight. The reason DH told me about this is for one, like I said, we don't keep secrets from each other. And, for two, I think DH feels a little guilty because he is the one who actually got him this job. Before, the guy worked close to home, didn't get paid half the time, but he was faithful as far as we know. DH gets him a job, he's now getting good pay and benefits, but he starts working on the road, and starts this crap. DH said he's sorry he ever got him the job now.


I have told DH I'll stay out of it, and keep my mouth shut, but I don't want to be around that SOB. From what DH told me about how he felt, I don't think there will be any problem there, he doesn't want to be around him either. And thankfully because of work, and the kids cheer and ball schedules, I won't be able to actually see my GF for a few weeks, so no awkward moments there for a little while anyway. Hoping by then something has give. I'm not going to be the one to tell her, but I will be there for her if/when she finds out.
Really I don't think it will be long, regardless if I tell her or not. From what DH told me, the way the guy was acting, was he got a taste of freedom and liked it, (this couple got married when we were in High School).
I just pray that he will tell her himself instead of her finding out some other way, and they are able to maybe get counceling and work through this. And, he needs to grow up big time.
You think you know somebody!!