Please remove this thread!!

[tigger_mommy]

From personal experience, I would not tell. I was cheated on MANY times by my exhusband, with MANY different women. He would do it in front of our "friends". They did not want to get in the middle of it, and I cannot blame them. Here is the thing, would I have believed it? Probably not. I wanted to think that we had the perfect Leave it to Beaver life. He would have came up with a lie on the spot to cover it anyway. Deep down in my heart of hearts I knew the infidelity was going on, I just didn't want to believe it.

I mean you could give the d-bag a time line. Either he can tell her or you can, but I don't think that would end well for either of you. Cheating husbands (as well as wifes) can be silver-tongued snakes. If it does come out that you caught wind of it you can say that you thought it was just a rumor and thought they had a strong relationship.

Sorry you are between a rock and a hard place.

 

[T. Lynn]

From personal experience, I would not tell. I was cheated on MANY times by my exhusband, with MANY different women. He would do it in front of our "friends". They did not want to get in the middle of it, and I cannot blame them. Here is the thing, would I have believed it? Probably not. I wanted to think that we had the perfect Leave it to Beaver life. He would have came up with a lie on the spot to cover it anyway. Deep down in my heart of hearts I knew the infidelity was going on, I just didn't want to believe it.

I mean you could give the d-bag a time line. Either he can tell her or you can, but I don't think that would end well for either of you. Cheating husbands (as well as wifes) can be silver-tongued snakes. If it does come out that you caught wind of it you can say that you thought it was just a rumor and thought they had a strong relationship.

Sorry you are between a rock and a hard place.

This is so totally true, you don't wanna believe it but deep down in your gut know the truth! It took me MANY years to finally come to my senses, even though I was keeping track of things and I had it right in front of me. They are definaly silver-tongued snakes! But you eventually come to your breaking point.

So sorry for anyone who has to go thru these situations. Especially when children are involved because it's so tough on them but some people just don't care and only care about themselves!

 

[MomToOne]

I think you and your husband need to agree together on what to do.

If necessary, go see a counselor for a session or two to figure it out - together. A professional might be very helpful in this situation.

ETA: Sorry, just saw your last update. I think it's great that you reached a decision on what to do together.

 

[angierae]

As someone who has an open marriage, I would have NO problem with a friend who didn't know that coming to me in concern. I would simply thank them and tell them about DH's and my arrangement.

In fact, I would think more highly of them as a friend after that.

This. If they do have an arrangement (and were just too shy to tell the OP, thinking they might disapprove), then they aren't going to be upset if the OP comes and says "Hey, I heard something and thought you needed to know." They would probably be glad to have it out in the open.

 

[Kies99]

I can't offer any advice. You are in a tough spot and your husband shouldn't have put you int it, but I must ask this...

...Why is this on the Budget Board? Even if this is where you post the most, it should be on a different board.

 

[shinysparklybubbles]

I am thinking you should first sit down with your husband explain to him how he put you in a very "uncomfortable" position. I would also see if he would be opened to the idea of having a good heart to heart with his friend. You know, we teach our kids that they should own up to their mistakes and I think your husband's friend needs to do the same. Really, he should be the one to go to his wife (easier said than done). But as a friend, I could see how you are compelled to protect your friend/his wife.

I can't tell you whether or not to tell his wife. Saying nothing to your friend and then IF she finds out you knew (at whatever point), could cause problems between you two BUT...if you tell her, you could still end up in a bad situation. Also, if you go against what your husband asked, you break his trust in you, which does not solve your dilemma.

Do remember that whatever the outcome with this friend and his wife, you are not responsible for ruining their marriage.

Sorry I could not be much help.

I agree with this.

Also, there is no way I'd tell my friend without clearing it with my husband, no sense in you guys fighting over someone's bad marriage. Also, does your husband work with him? Could there be any professional backlash if you get involved?

 

[okeydokey]

This is what I would do.

Start with your husband. I would tell him that I love my friend dearly and that I have to tell her. Then he can tell his friend what you are planning to do and give his friend time to do it himself. If after a couple of days, he doesn't tell his wife, then you do.

If this were happening to my sister or a friend that like a sister to me, I would tell her.

 

[mjkacmom]

Myob

 

[cey]

The exact same thing happened to us over 20 years ago. The husband of a good friend became involved in an affair which pretty much became public knowledge in the workplace. The wife even phoned our house looking for her husband one night, and I just said he wasn't here. My husband finally had a chat with the straying husband to let him know that the relationship was common knowledge, but the husband in question denied any wrong doing! I never admitted to my friend that I knew and maintained the friendship. Now 20 years later, the marriage healed and the couple remain our good friends! Be very careful if you decide to discuss the situation with your friend. There is that quote about "shooting the messenger". If she opens up to you, that is different, but trust me, if she wants to discuss it with you she will. She may choose to keep the state of their marriage private!

 

[jewjubean]

Why is this posted in the Budget boards??? Its a BIT off topic enough to be moved.

 

[Stitch76]

Thanks for all the input everyone.

This is the first time I have been in this situation, and it sucks. But, I think I'm doing what's best for me and my family. Although DH and I, and these particular friends will probably never have the same close relationship after this. DH still has to work with the SOB and therefore must keep it as civil as possible. (DH is actually higher ranking than this guy, and is over him at most job sites, so he doesn't want their personal issues to spill over into job related issues, if you understand what I'm getting at.)
Also, we have decided not to let someone else's problems come between our marriage. I can't break DH's trust. We have always had a beautiful trusting and honest relationship, and I can't go against him on this. It was a very hard decision not to tell my GF, but I believe it is the best one in this situation at least for my family.
I may lose a friend when this all comes out, but better than putting a rift in my marriage. It still hurts though. I will be there for her if she wants me to be, but I will understand if she doesn't.
From what DH said last night, I believe the guy will end up opening his mouth in front of someone who WILL tell, or just tell her himself. I think he has decided it's more fun living on the road and partying, than being a husband and dad. It's awful, because I always thought he was a stand up guy, and a great dad, but I guess no matter how long you know some people, you never really KNOW them.

...Why is this on the Budget Board? Even if this is where you post the most, it should be on a different board.

That is why I put OT in the title, (off topic)

I have come to love the people on the DIS, and respect their opinion on lots of aspects in life. I have gotten great tips not only on Disney, but on everything from saving money, dealing with DS's Autism, tween girls mood swings, and decorating ideas for my home. I find it's a place to come vent when I need to, and a shoulder to cry on when there's not another one near.

Sorry if this was posted in the wrong place, but I couldn't find the " Dirty, Lying, Cheating, Friends board".

Thanks again everyone for all the advise,

 

[Frye7127]

I think I would mind my own business and if/when she finds out, I would act stupid. You never know, too, if she is well aware of his infidelity and has decided to live with it. Your husband should tell his friend to keep it to himself as it puts him in an awkward position and if they are really like brothers, he should tell him how inappropriate it is and disrespectful.

 

[Racemom17]

I don't think he was lying, he's usually not the kind to brag about anything, let alone something like this.

DH is disgusted with this behavior as well, but his attitude toward it is that it's their business, and we should stay out of it. DH did tell him he was disappointed in him, but that's as far as that discussion went.
However my take on it is, yeah it's "their" business, but if it was me, I think that I would want someone to tell me.

I just don't know what to do.

Tell her. My ex cheated repeatedly during our marriage. When I confronted him with suspicions he would twist things to make it appear that I was crazy. He had friends and co-workers who would lie to my face when I asked them directly.

There is no reason for cheating...loveless marriage, etc...get out of the marriage then sow your wild oats. The betrayal is extremely hurtful and even more hurtful when you find out other people knew and didn't tell you.

 

[Racemom17]

No, actually quite the opposite. They were in a lot of financial trouble, and he was in a dead end job. DH got him a good job where he was working, although it requires some travel the money is not bad, but still far from rich.


Me and DH sat down and had a huge heart to heart about this when he got home from work tonight. The reason DH told me about this is for one, like I said, we don't keep secrets from each other. And, for two, I think DH feels a little guilty because he is the one who actually got him this job. Before, the guy worked close to home, didn't get paid half the time, but he was faithful as far as we know. DH gets him a job, he's now getting good pay and benefits, but he starts working on the road, and starts this crap. DH said he's sorry he ever got him the job now.


I have told DH I'll stay out of it, and keep my mouth shut, but I don't want to be around that SOB. From what DH told me about how he felt, I don't think there will be any problem there, he doesn't want to be around him either. And thankfully because of work, and the kids cheer and ball schedules, I won't be able to actually see my GF for a few weeks, so no awkward moments there for a little while anyway. Hoping by then something has give. I'm not going to be the one to tell her, but I will be there for her if/when she finds out.
Really I don't think it will be long, regardless if I tell her or not. From what DH told me, the way the guy was acting, was he got a taste of freedom and liked it, (this couple got married when we were in High School).
I just pray that he will tell her himself instead of her finding out some other way, and they are able to maybe get counceling and work through this. And, he needs to grow up big time.
You think you know somebody!!

Your DH shouldn't feel guilty. If the guy cheated on the road he is capable of cheating at home...maybe didn't have the opportunity but he made his own poor choices.

 

[LoriKutchey]

I can tell you a story what happened with my girlfriend. She went out to lunch and noticed a co-workers husband on the same road as her but he had a younger woman in the car. So my girlfriend followed them, they drove to an apartment building and were holding hands and kissing on the way in. My GF was torn over up over this. She didn't know whether to tell her co-worker or not. Well she told her and they were quite good friends also. About 3 days later the coworker stopped speaking to her and quit her job about a month later. All we could figure out that maybe she was embarassed that she was staying with her husband after all of this. Nobody else new of the situation in the office except the wife and my girlfriend. So my advice based on this one experience would to keep quiet.

 

[T. Lynn]

Tell her. My ex cheated repeatedly during our marriage. When I confronted him with suspicions he would twist things to make it appear that I was crazy.

Sad to hear this happened to you but at least now I know I'm not alone!

 

[Bob NC]

I wouldn't tell anybody anything as serious as this unless I actually saw the cheating with my own two eyes. You or your husband don't *know* anything.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Tell her. My ex cheated repeatedly during our marriage. When I confronted him with suspicions he would twist things to make it appear that I was crazy. He had friends and co-workers who would lie to my face when I asked them directly.

There is no reason for cheating...loveless marriage, etc...get out of the marriage then sow your wild oats. The betrayal is extremely hurtful and even more hurtful when you find out other people knew and didn't tell you.

I think the OP made the right decision by not telling. I have, however bolded the above- to point out that I would not go to the friend on my own, but if flat out asked I would not lie.

My mom went through years and years of something similar to this. She worked with the husband, and played bridge every month with the wife. She knew the husband was cheating for years with a woman at work but didn't tell her friend for fear of messing up a work relationship and the woman not believing her.

After 5 years of cheating with the same woman, the coworker's wife came to bridge one night with a shiny new ring. Someone asked where she got it- she said she bought it on her husbands card because she found out he'd been cheating. Then she looked point blank at my mom and said "you knew." My mom admitted that yes, she did and the wife thanked her for not saying anything all those years. Said that a few friends had tried to tell her and she pushed them away because she didn't want to believe it.

Unless point blank asked, I would not say anything. OP goodluck with everything- I know this has to be very hard. DH and I have a close group of friends who are almost all married and I can't imagine the heartache I'd go through if I knew something like this. You're right- your marriage comes first before theirs.

And from experience- he'll get his just desserts eventually.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

When I faced a similar situation, I had a friend of a friend who I don't know personally and who didn't know the person being cheated on (SIL) phone SIL to tell her what was going on. That way if she already knew and chose not to do anything about it, she could do that and "save face" with family and friends. I knew that she would have done the same for me, if she knew, and I couldn't sit around and pretend I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't want to directly confront her. If I had it to do over again, I'd do the same thing.

 

[twinnersmama]

I am living this situation right now ... but on the other side. My soon-to-be-ex husband has been having an affair for almost 3 years. It took a year for me to piece everything together and find out ... the next 2 years have been separation/divorce fallout.

We have friends (man/wife) the I am had to know about this affair. I am SURE the man knew, anyway. I do not know if the wife knew or not. Anyway, I feel betrayed by him as well. I am still very close to the wife, as she is very supportive of me.

If your husband is so close with this guy, then he should talk to him ... end the affair, fess up to his wife, stop having inappropriate contacts ... or get out of the marriage.

My husband's affair was devastating ... not only to me, but it affected so many of our extended family and friends.

Make sure you are there for your friend ... unless you have been there, you can never even fathom what it is like.