PLEASE help with a bossy child

Aidensmom

Holy Crap!<br><font color=blue>Murdered By Pineapp
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My son is 4, and an only child, which I think lends to some of his behavior. He has been having problems in Pre-K with bossing other kids around, and so we have told him that it is not his place to tell the other kids what to do, let the teacher do it.

Well, today, he was in tears because "no one is my friend". When I questioned him further, he let out that one of the kids in his class said a "bad word" and so instead of scolding this kid himself as he usually would do, he told the teacher. Then he said all of the kids said he was not their friend anymore because he told. :guilty:

I don't know what to tell him to do. I am so proud of him for not taking it upon himself to scold the other child. But I don't want him branded as the tattle-tale either.
 
Aidensmom said:
My son is 4, and an only child, which I think lends to some of his behavior. He has been having problems in Pre-K with bossing other kids around, and so we have told him that it is not his place to tell the other kids what to do, let the teacher do it.

Well, today, he was in tears because "no one is my friend". When I questioned him further, he let out that one of the kids in his class said a "bad word" and so instead of scolding this kid himself as he usually would do, he told the teacher. Then he said all of the kids said he was not their friend anymore because he told. :guilty:

I don't know what to tell him to do. I am so proud of him for not taking it upon himself to scold the other child. But I don't want him branded as the tattle-tale either.

I think it is way to common for kids this age to say "you are not my friend anymore" I would bet that is a daily occurence in all classrooms. Know we have some teachers on the board so maybe they can give you better advice.
 
No real advice, just :grouphug: for your DS.

DD5 had a problem with tattletaling. We just told her not to tell on friends her age, unless they are hurting her. i think all kids go through the phase. And "friends" at that age are transient at best. DD must have had 12 best friends last year.

Talk to your DS' teacher and see if she notices that the other kids are shunning him. DD told me she had no friends, but when I talked to the teacher, she said DD was a little social butterfly, but her one best friend was mad at her for about 10 minutes and DD blew it that out of proportion.

Good luck!
 
Sorry no answers for you because I am in the same boat. I just don't want you to think you are alone. DD7 has had this exact issue since pre-school. We keep telling her over and over that she needs to stop telling others what to do because that is why they don't want to play with her. She is also big into the tattling. Also an only child as well. I hope that in time she will come to realize these things on her own. I keep hoping anyways. I know how hard it is too watch your child feel left out even if it is their own doing.
 

Aidensmom said:
Then he said all of the kids said he was not their friend anymore because he told.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard one of my students tell another one that "I'm not your friend anymore", I could retire now. This is the only "weapon" (for lack of better words) kids have ... to take away a friendship. They know it hurts and that's what they use to "fight with". I am constantly saying "We are always each others friends!"

And, if I had another nickel for every time a student tattled on another, I could retire and live in Cinderella's castle!

As a Kdg. teacher, it's important that I know which kids are using inappropriate language b/c I need to correct that in the classroom and make parents aware of it as well. So, I am glad your child went to the teacher.

ETA: kids also use "I'm going to tell the teacher" as a weapon, too. They hope it will intimidate the other child and put the fear that the teacher will yell at them in their head. I never yell at my students. We have discussions, but I never raise my voice. Let your child know that the teacher won't yell at him!!!

For the ones w/bossy children ... this is the way they are. Every class has a bossy child. Someone who wants to be the "teacher". I tell all my students that they need to take care of themselves and their work ... and not everyone else. This usually does the trick. If I see a student being bossy, I will simply say "You need to worry about you, not Johnny!" And, they usually stop it.

Don't worry, Mom ... by tomorrow, all will be forgotten and everyone will be friends again.

Warmly,
Daxx's Wife :teacher:
 
When I took older dd to counseling way back when the counselor worked with her on "how to BE a friend". She was older though, we had changed schools in 4th grade and she was resenting it.

BUT I think the lesson is the same and I did this with younger dd. Taught ways of "being a friend". It didn't "solve" everything but it gave them tools to get better and as they get older it kind of builds on itself.

ETA....
Do role playing. Make him be in the place of the "other" kid. You be him. Then reverse.
I did lots of role playing because then they can feel how it is. Look for teachable moments.
 
/
I really don't have any advice but I can certainly empathize with you. DD#1 was an only child until she was 7 and we still have a problem with her thinking that she is an adult (she is 12 now). She would always come home from school and tell me she didn't have any friends or no one liked her but when I would drop her off the next morning, a swarm of classmates would always run up and hug her. I wouldn't worry about that too much. She was a tattletell up until last year (middle school). I had to tell her that unless someone was breaking a law or hurting her or another student then she needed to let the teachers handle things. I told her that she really would have no friends if she continued to ******* Anyway--most kids do eventually outgrow the tattletall stage and the "I have no friends" stage but we still haven't found a good way to deal with the bossiness. I guess a positive way to look at this would be that hopefully our bossy kids will be great "take charge" adults with good leadership skills.....
 
Maybe you could ask the teacher if you could send in a treat or something for your DS to share with the rest of the class. That usually will wipe the slate clean with any hard feelings between kids, and adults for that matter! LOL
It's worth a try
The advice I gave to my DS(who is now 18) when he was young (he's an only so he likes things "his way") is try to ignore something, or someone you don't like. If you can't say anything positive about something or someone, then it's probably a good idea to just forget about it, unless it's harming you directly.

As my son got into High School, he learned the hard way, once again. He clashed with one of his History teachers who didn't particularly like students opinions if they weren't in line with her ideals.
When DS often spoke up in front of the class when she was wrong about her facts (he is a history freak), she didn't appreciate it. She would later have to restate her facts to the class. You think she would be happy she learned something, but she wasn't.
When DS stated that any American who doesn't stand up for the American Flag, shouldn't live in America..or something along those lines, she freaked. She wouldn't stand for the Pledge of Allegiance, EVER, and that was that.
He ended up getting an A in the class, but he had fun taunting her all year.

So being bossy, and knowing your facts shouldn't be discouraged too much as a young child, they may lose their gumption early on! :grouphug:
 
I have to disagree with Daxx about the Tattling.... and being "..glad that the child went to the teacher" and tattled. There is no reason for a teacher to feel that they should have so much 'control' to expect the students to monitor and tattle on each other.

Tattling does nothing but create negativity and a sour social environment in the classroom.... as Aidensmom's DS is now finding out.

My DS teacher this year has 'tattling' on her list of classroom rules that can result in disciplinary action. If something is not directly hurting/affecting a child, then tattling is simply not acceptable. It is a negative and controlling behavior that needs to be discouraged.

I would be VERY concerned if my childs teacher were encouraging the children to tattle!!! :sad2:


Aidensmom... this all does sound pretty common-place for children at this age. Your child is still young and is still learning social skills!

My only advice is this... It is good that you have 'talked' with your child about this. However, to really have a strong and immediate effect, I think that you should make a effort to very seriously address this with your child. Really get down to their level (physically, eye-to-eye) Use simple clear and definitive language... ex: looking over your shoulder while washing the dishes or folding laundry... "Well honey, it's not good to boss others around..." Or "Sweetie-pie, it's not nice to *******..." I seriously doubt that this will have much immediate affect.

Get down eye-to-eye, when the subject comes up with your child. and say very clearly "You do NOT boss..." "You do NOT *******.." "These are the rules..." "Do you understand this now... that these are the rules..."

Also... I might consider doing a little role playing... Show your child by example how it feels to be 'bossed' or 'tattled on'. Allow him to identify that what he is doing IS actually bossing and tattling.

Many kids go thru this!! It's not the end of the world!!!
:goodvibes
 
Try having some classmates over to play at your home one at a time. Talk to your child before the playdates to remind her what it takes to be a good friend (no bossing, tattling). Monitor the playdate (don't hover but be "around" so you can observe your child's behavior. Afterwards talk to your child about anything that doesn't go well- "Do you know why Susie was mad at you? She was angry because you told her what to do too many times").

One rule I had for playdates at that age (and a lot of my friends have had this rule too) is that the guest gets to pick what they play initially. Such rules prevents your child from directing all of the play. Your child will become comforable not being in charge all of the time.

From the perspective of an adult "only" recalling my childhood, virtually all of my playtime at home was directed by me- either I chose what I did by myself, or I told my mom how I wanted her to play with me ("let's play dolls, you take this doll, and we'll have a tea party..."). If you really pay attention to your interactions with your child, you may notice that he "bosses" you around too.

Children without siblings don't have kids living with them at home to work through naturally occuring issues such as sharing, tattling, fighting, etc. Onlies may get to school and not have the level of social experience and skills that their classmates with siblings do. You need to work with your child at home and through her teacher to get your child those skills.

Hope this helps.
 
I will echo the sentiment that "you're not my friend" is something kids say to each other constantly, and is usually forgotten the next day, if not the next couple of hours.

You could speak with the teacher to make sure that your son is not consistently without playmates though - just to reassure yourself.

With tattling - in our house the rule is "If you're still breathing and you're not bleeding, then mom isn't listening". We don't mean that literally, of course, but the gist is that "tattling" is okay if someone is hurt, or about to get hurt.
 
Wishing on a star said:
I have to disagree with Daxx about the Tattling.... and being "..glad that the child went to the teacher" and tattled. There is no reason for a teacher to feel that they should have so much 'control' to expect the students to monitor and tattle on each other.

Tattling does nothing but create negativity and a sour social environment in the classroom.... as Aidensmom's DS is now finding out."


Teacher here and I totally agree with this statement. My youngest struggles with tattling. He pretty much stopped doing it when I stopped reacting to it. I would not even acknowledge it - he got the message.

My husband will also use an exaggerated form of the behavior we're trying to discourage and explain what he's doing afterward. That seems to make an impression.
 
As the mom of an only, I worried about this. DD likes things done orderly and is a rule follower. However, she has never been a bossy child so I didn't have to deal with that part but she would tattle when she was younger. I just told her to mind her own business and let the teacher take care of her own classroom. "If someone is bleeding or their hair is on fire you can tell the teacher. Otherwise, MYOB."

I'm sure her "blue light" on her hear was always ready and wanting to go off but she had to use self control to not make a "citizen's arrest". :)

Good luck with "I'm not your friend anymore." Kids still do that even now in the 6th grade...
 
DD was also a bossy only childwhen she was little. I was concerned until her pre-school teacher confessed that she always paired new kids off with dd because "Even though she's bossy, she's never, ever mean. She makes sure that the new child knows all the rules and how things are done."

She was also a bit of a tattletale but outgrew that soon enough. I agree with the other posters that kids that age are always telling others that they're not friends anymore. It usually blows over pretty quickly but it can be more hurtful to more sensitive kids. (Yeah, dd is one of those, too. :teeth: )
 
Thank you for your replies. I think I am going to talk to him a little tonight again about both the bossiness and the tattling, and go from there.
 
Little kids have a hard time defining what is "tattling" and what is not. I think it's important to err on the side of caution and tell children that if there is a problem, always go to teacher. That way they will not think it's a bad thing to get the teacher's help if a bunch of 8th graders are picking on them. Let the teacher sort it out.
 
I can't offer much help, but do want to say that some kids need more explanation and help knowing how to be a friend. My son is very bossy and controlling at home (not at school, though) and sometimes I don't think he realizes how to be another way. We're working on it, but it's not an easy thing to overcome. BTW, he's the youngest of 4 children and with him at least it's more of a personality trait than anything else.

As far as learning how to be a friend, sometimes what is obviously to us isn't so obvious to them. My youngest, Jake, is 5yo and he just started kindergarten. He has a friend from preschool who he's been best friends with for 2 years who goes to his elem school. The boys are in different classes, but have lunch and recess together. The other boy was so excited to see Jake and said "hi" to him on the first day of school and Jake acted like he didn't know him. After I found that out I told Jake that Alex was excited to see him and he should talk to Alex, which he did. Alex was so excited! Yesterday I told Jake that he should ask Alex if he wants to play basketball with him and he said he would. I'll see when he gets home if he really did ask him--I don't think it had occurred to him to do this. Obvious to us, but not so to a 5yo!

Hang in there with your son and keep helping him learn how to behave with others. You'll be doing him a service. My DD has a friend who is bossy and always has been (now 18yo). She's had a hard time keeping friends because people get very annoyed with her bossiness and know-it-all attitude.

T&B
 
Actually, it osunds as if your child's friends are doing a fine job of teaching him about both being bossy and tattling.

Ostracism by peers is a very effective way for kids to learn how to behave.

Your kid is bossy, so the other kids are calling him names. Sounds like something I would have done when I was a kid. The your kid goes and tattles and the other kids are ignoring him. Sounds like something I would have done as a kid as well.

Some kids have to learn the hard way.
 
Wishing on a star said:
I have to disagree with Daxx about the Tattling.... and being "..glad that the child went to the teacher" and tattled. There is no reason for a teacher to feel that they should have so much 'control' to expect the students to monitor and tattle on each other.
You need to reread my post. I said I was happy that the child tattled on the use of inappropriate language in the classroom. As a teacher, I need to know when someone uses inappropriate language. If it becomes a constant problem, then I need to do something about it. If I don't nip it in the bud, then I get parents on my back asking why I let Johnny use that type of language around their babies. I had one student who would constantly swear under his breath. I would never hear it, but the two kids who sat next to him sure did. I got a lot of heat from the parents b/c their kids kept saying "Johnny swears all the time". Well, had I heard it, I could have done something about it. The students didn't so much as come up to me to tattle, but moreso to complain. When I'd ask Johnny if he swore, he'd admit it to me. Turns out that Johnny would hear his parents talk like that and thought it was just how everyone talked.

There is no reason for a teacher to feel that they should have so much 'control' to expect the students to monitor and tattle on each other
I do not need to feel like I have "so much control" and I do not expect my students to monitor each other. They are the ones who are always running up to me to ******* I tell them that I don't want to hear it unless it's coming from the party involved (ie: the person that Johnny hit). My students are told often that the only time they should come to me is if someone uses inappropriate language or does something harmful to them. B/c, let's be honest ... do you think Johnny's going to come up to me and say "I said sh*t" or "I punched Billy."?! If someone is using inappropriate language or hurting someone, I need to know about it from the person who was involved! . A lot of times, these things occur in the bathroom ... a place I cannot monitor. And, in Kdg. w/ up to 25 students and no teacher's aide, I sure have my work cut out for me.

I would be VERY concerned if my childs teacher were encouraging the children to tattle!!! :sad2:
First off, I never encourage my students to ******* Plain and simple, inappropriate language and harmful behavior is not allowed/tolerated and again, it is important that I know about it so I can take care of it ... both in the student's files and a note to the parent. If your child were bitten by another student, hit, etc., wouldn't you want her to tattle on the kid who did it?! How is it going to look if she comes home and says "Johnny bit me" and you say "What did Mrs. Jones do about it?" and she says "Nothing b/c I can't tattle on Johnny." Who's a$$ is going to be in the frying pan?! Mrs. Jones'. And, if your little darling comes home and says "I hate f-ing school" and you say "where did you hear that word" and she says "Johnny says it every day in school" and you say "Doesn't Mrs. Jones do anything about it" and she says "No, she doesn't hear him and I can't tattle", you'll be on that phone w/me so dang fast b/c of Johnny's potty mouth.

There is a difference between tattling and providing the teacher w/information. If Suzy picked her nose and wiped it on her desk and you come up to me to tell me that, that's tattling. If Suzy came up and punched you in the eye, or called you a sh*thead and you come up to me to tell me that, I really wouldn't consider that tattling. Big difference, don't you agree?!
 

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