please close this thread

[MeanLaureen]

Question to the OP - I see in your signature you were just at WDW in May. Was that a trip with your bf? Could the fact that he wanted to save money on your next vacation coming up by staying at his Dad's house be just that.. saving money? Disney trips don't come cheap and maybe he's worried about spending so much money in one year on things that aren't necessities of life. Not many of us get to go on multiple vacations a year due to the high costs.

I'm with PoohandWendy here. I don't see anything that is so terrible that she needs to run and not look back like this guy beat the pulp out of her or cheated on her. As said, there are ALWAYS three sides to every story, her side, his side and the truth. I bet you would be hard pressed to find anyone that presents a difficult situation in an absolute true light, not because they are trying to sway sympathy to their side all the time, but because emotions tend to cause you to see and hear things in a light that they were not presented in. Two sets of eyes and ears can hear things completely different when one set has a great emotional stake in the outcome.

Based on how some reactions are here, I bet you guys would have told DW Matthew to run away from me and not look back. My mom lived with us for 5 yrs because she couldn't afford to live on her own. We tried to include her in as much as we could, and Matthew never once complained that on his birthday he had me AND my mom singing him Happy Birthday over his cake... instead he enjoyed the fact that there was people in his life that cared and wanted to be around him.

I don't see a big deal about him including his mom in his birthday dinner. I could see you being upset if he called and said his mom was inviting him and only him to her house for his birthday and excluded you, but you should be happy that his parents seem to like you and enjoy spending time with you. I've seen sad posts from DISers who have inlaws that hate them so much they refuse to be around them. If you go ahead and go to his Dad's house for a couple of days, maybe try to get to know his dad a little better. Maybe he really is a great guy and you will find things the three of you can do together and have fun and then schedule a couple of little side activities that just you and your boyfriend do together.

I don't know... I just don't see the huge deal here outside of what looks to be like a Grand Canyon sized hole in communication between a couple.

 

[California Girl]

This is easy.


Move out and stop the intimacy. Then you'll find out what your relationship is really made of.


Don't move back in or be intimate until you are married.

 

[LoraJ]

Hmmm ... the OP moves in with her BF 2 short months after starting to date. They are just 21 years old and they go from "hello" to "virtually married" in no time at all. While you can't swing a dead cat on the DIS without hitting a "love at first sight" or "I was married at 18 we're still going strong" story, I really don't think it happens as often as we hope. My sense is that OP's BF is moving in a different direction and is done playing house with her. I'm sorry to be a downer and for her sake I hope I am wrong.

That's very true. I am nothing like the person I was at 21-23. I think it's possible to fall in love and get married and live happily ever after at that age. But not if you don't communicate and hold resentment towards each other. In the OP she states very clearly that she does so much to show him she loves him and he knows it. But then later it seemed like he wasn't getting those signals. To her, it is all his fault, to him it is all her fault. And they seem to want to keep it that way without trying to work it out to see what they can do to make things better. So, if that's the case, she should definitely start saving to move out.

I also think 2 months is way too soon to move in together. My last boyfriend wanted me to move in at the 4 month mark. He had just lost his job. Even though I loved him very much, I didn't want to do it because I felt his motivations were for financial reasons. Boy am I glad I didn't. I would have felt so trapped and like I had no where to go once things went downhill.

I live with my boyfriend now and I own the place. If he feels the need where he'd have to leave, he has enough savings to do so. I think before anyone moves in together they should:
a. discuss what their intentions are with the relationship. i.e. will this lead to marriage, and when should we expect that to happen by. (Rarely can you know that at 2 months)
b. have a backup plan in case things don't work out. Make sure you have enough in savings to get out if need be.
c. discuss their expectations of each other. Who pays what bills, who cleans what, etc.

And when you do move in together, make sure you set aside time to do something together outside of the home. Have a set date night.

Back to the communication issue with the OP. When he asks you why you haven't done his laundry yet, do you ask him why he hasn't done it himself? IF so, how does he respond? Same with the dishes and the bed. Maybe having a bed that is made is not important to him. If you aren't communicating with him your resentment with these issues, he'll continue to expect you to do these things and walk all over you.

 

[chrissie123]

Noooo ...

Dont put up & shut up ive done that for 23 years please talk to him if he`ll listen thats where ive gone wrong just this year .. my "marriage" just broke down & believe me im finding my feet now ... ive never had a bank account or money ive always worked plus raised 2 girls single handedly cos he was never here & i never said a word ive run the house too but never got nothing back other than have i got a shirt ironed for work ?? whats all that about ?? of course .... Youre young grasp life i know i would if i were you .. please listen either put your foot down & say no your not helpless do it yourself i work too or get out & live....

i`ll `tell you something my sister said many years ago when i was panicking & trying to clean & juggle a couple of babies before he got home she said dust is loyal it always comes back so why bother just rest & enjoy your kids ... i`ll never forget that if it dos`nt get done then its there in the morning if he wants it done then fine tell him to do it ........

im sorry but thats my vent outta the way .......... please dont be put on

 

[The Mystery Machine]

In the OP she states very clearly that she does so much to show him she loves him and he knows it. But then later it seemed like he wasn't getting those signals. To her, it is all his fault, to him it is all her fault.

I have to address this. The OP clearly states what she is doing to show love but that is not want HE wants.
The things the OP is doing is for herself and not HIM!
This is very important lesson to learn in relationships.

Her BF has stated things he wants...
1) Say HI when I come home
2) Clean the house

She is withholding what HE ACTUALLY wants. It is a trap alot of people set for their partner's.

She really needs to see what her BF's needs are and start meeting them. Saying hi and cleaning are pretty reasonable requests in my book.

 

[chrissie123]

I have to address this. The OP clearly states what she is doing to show love but that is not want HE wants.
The things the OP is doing is for herself and not HIM!
This is very important lesson to learn in relationships.

Her BF has stated things he wants...
1) Say HI when I come home
2) Clean the house

She is withholding what HE ACTUALLY wants. It is a trap alot of people set for their partner's.

She really needs to see what her BF's needs are and start meeting them. Saying hi and cleaning are pretty reasonable requests in my book.

Have you ever cleaned a house & looked after kids ?? held down school too on very little money ?? probably not ............

 

[VSL]

I'm with PaW, et al.

He's working full-time and a student full-time and supports you both financially, for the most part. The OP is working just 3 days a week at the moment, so I think that her doing the housework is what makes it fair.

Also, I don't know how long the OP knew her BF before they moved in together or started 'dating', but me and my BF have been best friends for 7yrs, BF/GF for 3.5yrs, and we're still living apart! (financial reasons)

There's definitely a communication problem here. Neither of you feel that you are getting what you want out of the relationship, but both feel that you are the one doing everything 'right'.

 

[VSL]

Have you ever cleaned a house & looked after kids ?? held down school too on very little money ?? probably not ............

Um, there are no kids involved in this situation. And he is financially supporting them both, for the most part.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have to address this. The OP clearly states what she is doing to show love but that is not want HE wants.
The things the OP is doing is for herself and not HIM!
This is very important lesson to learn in relationships.

Her BF has stated things he wants...
1) Say HI when I come home
2) Clean the house

She is withholding what HE ACTUALLY wants. It is a trap alot of people set for their partner's.

She really needs to see what her BF's needs are and start meeting them. Saying hi and cleaning are pretty reasonable requests in my book.

Ohhhh good lord!!!!!
I just have to reply to this one.
If her boyfriend thinks that her washing and folding his dirty underwear is what love is all about..

PS: She never said that she was withholding anything. She has indeed done the biggest share of the household duties. Her problem is that he has become judgemental and clearly expects this to always be done to his liking.

 

[California Girl]

I will not post here again, but PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND ME A PM

This was on page one. What happened?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would only add that you speak with a counselor to determine why you "adore" someone who treats you like a 2nd class citizen. There are some self-esteem issues there that need to be worked out.

People will only be treated the way they allow themselves to be treated.

This is exactly what I have said to the OP

 

[Wishing on a star]

People keep tellin' you to "talk" to him. Haven't you done that already? I think so. I think he's heard it all and chooses himself over you every time.

Yes, according to the OP they have talked.
BF tells her 'the way it is going to be'
She agrees.

Where is anybody coming off with the assumption that they have not talked about these things.

And, hey, sometimes the best thing to is to sit back and 'observe' the others actions and attitudes. Actions speak louder than words.

The writing is usually on the wall.

 

[Wishing on a star]

One unrelated thing...

I have always been thinking here that the OP is possibly just

I decided that, even if that is what is going on, I would jump in.
Makes for a lively thread!

 

[LoraJ]

Yes, according to the OP they have talked.
BF tells her 'the way it is going to be'
She agrees.

Where is anybody coming off with the assumption that they have not talked about these things.

And, hey, sometimes the best thing to is to sit back and 'observe' the others actions and attitudes. Actions speak louder than words.

The writing is usually on the wall.

She said she talked to him, yes, and he told her what he needs, but she hasn't said anything about wanting to meet those needs or if he agreed to what her needs are. It still seems to me that she came away from that conversation as though she has done nothing wrong and doesn't need to work on anything. Or even a realization that she wasn't meeting his needs when all along she says she has. Instead she went and had an "I hate men!" party. So while they can talk about what is bugging them, neither wants to seem to actually listen and do something about it. Which is also a big part of communicating.

 

[chrissie123]

Um, there are no kids involved in this situation. And he is financially supporting them both, for the most part.

Erm Yeah

But shes holding down a job looking after 4 kids too if you care to look what shes written they may not be theirs but shes childminding its hard work even if its only for a few days a week plus shes going to school too .... i know he works full time ok but it should be a shared responsibility ... why should she work hold down school bring in income & clean the house all on her own ?? you know even if he washed the dishes or cooked a dinner at the weekend that would help .... im talking from experience here a liitle help goes an awful long way its not all one sided ... that poor girls ticked off i know i would be which i have been for years .. what annoys me is a lot of people dont know what goes on behind closed doors all im saying is our friends on here come here to get things off their minds without bottling up feelings & should`nt we all be supportive ?? i know this post as probably touched a nerve with me & im sorry to everyone about that but come on instead of being judgemental lets give a little support here ........ its took a lot for her to post this thread & i admire her courage to reach out & ask for adviice............

 

[Wishing on a star]

Some of the OP's original post.

I am in graduate school ... this summer, my job has been to babysit 4 kids three 8-hour days a week. I am home 2 days a week, in which I run our errands and do cleaning-type stuff ... I don't mind doing these things most of the time, but it's the fact that I am expected to and that he is disappointed in me when it's not all done.

When I tried to talk to him, he just shut me out.

I do not feel that it is my duty to be his little housekeeper, especially when my clinical Doctorate program in Audiology starts in 2 weeks and I will have NO time to do all the housework. I just don't want to spend my life hoping maybe the next time he'll care and maybe someday he'll make me feel as special and loved as I make him feel...

Where anyone can get from this that she is needy, lazy, uncommunicative...

 

[LoraJ]

Some of the OP's original post.



Where anyone can get from this that she is needy, lazy, uncommunicative...

I don't know if she is needy and lazy, but if she isn't telling him how she feels about doing all of the housework, she's not communicating. If he tells her it's what he expects of her and she doesn't stand up for herself, then she is letting him walk all over her and not speaking up. Right?

 

[LoraJ]

Erm Yeah

But shes holding down a job looking after 4 kids too if you care to look what shes written they may not be theirs but shes childminding its hard work even if its only for a few days a week plus shes going to school too .... i know he works full time ok but it should be a shared responsibility ... why should she work hold down school bring in income & clean the house all on her own ?? you know even if he washed the dishes or cooked a dinner at the weekend that would help .... im talking from experience here a liitle help goes an awful long way its not all one sided ... that poor girls ticked off i know i would be which i have been for years .. what annoys me is a lot of people dont know what goes on behind closed doors all im saying is our friends on here come here to get things off their minds without bottling up feelings & should`nt we all be supportive ?? i know this post as probably touched a nerve with me & im sorry to everyone about that but come on instead of being judgemental lets give a little support here ........ its took a lot for her to post this thread & i admire her courage to reach out & ask for adviice............

I've seen a lot of great advice on here. Whether she takes it or not is up to her.

While she's earning an income, from what I am gathering, it is not going towards the household. That could build up resentment on his end and it is probably why he "expects" her to do the housework so she can contribute to the household in some way.

 

[MosMom]

I think you should leave him and find someone who adores you to the point of nausea. I think that is the only way you will be truly happy.

Just wait until you have a big house, kids, and a dog. You think you fight about cleaning now? Ha!

 

[momof3disneyholics]

Just wait until you have a big house, kids, and a dog. You think you fight about cleaning now? Ha!

Well said!