Please, As Many Opinions As Possible on This

[a1tinkfans]

OP:
First, I am so sorry for the loss of you father!

As far as not "respecting your moms final wishes", well, I do not think I would talk to her about it, if your intention is to "change it" anyway. Why cause her and you, Xtra strife... Now??
From my own experience, my mom wanted to be cremated...her ashes spread..
She was and they were.......however, my sister decided to "keep" some ashes..unbeknown to all the rest of the family, including my dad. she felt there was no where to "go" nothing to "visit" and after the sudden loss of our mom we all were in such a great amount of upheaval.

Well, it was not until afterwards that we all learned what she did and realized that my moms ashes could now be placed in a special place and that we would all have a place to "visit" her and remember her and reflect on our great loss....I have to admit, I was upset.... fairly angry that she took those ashes, as though she thought she Knew better and decided to just do it....but it is not until reflection both outward and inward that I thank my sister for what she did.
We have ALL benefited having a special place to go and remind us all how short life can be and how precious each and every day truly are. It is a place that we all visit when we feel the need to be near her. I am thankful that it is there, shaded by beautiful trees, Luscious flowers and living animals all around her...I think, well actually I know....she would have liked that........
So, no judgment here on whatever you decide to do...only YOU live in your shoes..May your mom have many many years to share with you and your family! I know how much I really miss mine

 

[Handbag Lady]

I really would like as many opinions on this as possible. It's something I've thought about for quite some time. My Dad passed away almost 3 years ago. I have never agreed with long, drawn out funeral traditions but my Mom wanted the regular 3-day visitation, big funeral, lunch after, etc. I got through it all, but just barely. I tried to be strong and helpful to her. Kept my feelings to myself, she didn't need that added stress. She kept asking me to go up to the casket to look at my Dad, and at first I would not. I didn't want to. I didn't want to remember him that way. Eventually I did look, for her, but wish I wouldn't have. I didn't need to do that for my closure.

She knows how I feel now, about funerals in general. But, she still wants the long, drawn out 3-day visitation, big funeral and lunch after she passes on. Right now she is in good health (she's 73) so I don't say anything about it, but I honestly do not think I could get through it.

Shouldn't the funeral be for the family left behind? Shouldn't they get to make the decisions, as to what they can handle and what they can't?

I would prefer to have a quiet family memorial/celebration of her life, small, private, and not with an open casket.

Well, then when you die, YOU can have this and request this of your family for you. When she dies, follow her wishes. Why would your feelings over-ride hers just because she'll be dead? I find that disrespectful to your mom. I've had to do many things I disliked for funerals per the deceased's requests, but it wasn't about me.

My dilema is do I talk to her about it now? While she is in good health? Or do I just wait until she passes and make the changes then?

I can't imagine trying to dictate to my children what kind of funeral I want. I will be dead. I won't know. It should be what they want, not what I want.

Am I selfish and wrong to feel this way about my mother's funeral? I hope and pray it doesn't happen for many years, but you just never know. I just don't know if I should discuss my feelings with her, and see what she says, or just keep my mouth shut, let her think she'll get the funeral she wants while knowing myself that I just wouldn't be able to do that.

Have any of you made changes to your parents' funeral wishes? How did you handle it? Or did you suck it up and do it because it's what they wanted?

I really would like to hear everyone's opinions, thank you.

You can just change things after she passes and pretend to her now that she'll get what she wants. She'll be gone and won't know the difference, right? (I'd feel like a total heel but I am not you and this might not bother you at all.)


Clearly, I would just suck it up and do it. Last year when I aunt died, we were told to wear Disney T-shirts and we gambled during her service. (It was in a bar and the horse races were on.) Distasteful? Yes. Made me feel ill? Yes. Did I do it? Yes.

To solve the problem, you can try to talk to her now and see if you can come to a compromise.

 

[C.Ann]

That's a tough one.. There's one part of me that says it would be nice if you could follow her final wishes - but then there's another part of me that has the niggling thought of "she won't know anyhow".. (That sounds awful - but it's true..)

I would not talk to her about it now.. No sense getting her all anxious over something that may not happen for years down the road..

I've been extremely clear with my family with what I want - basically nothing - just cremated.. But I don't think I would come back to haunt them if they chose something different.. (Well - maybe if they spent a boat load of money that is a total waste..)

I think this is just one of those situations where you're going to have to wait - and "cross that bridge when you come to it.."

Good luck with whatever you decide..

 

[tvguy]

I'd give her what she wants. You don't have to take part, and you will have complied with her final wishes.
My dad died when I was 9. He had a lengthy illness, and had time to get all his affairs in order. and make sure my mom knew how to do everything he did in the household....right down to a specific list for my mom as what to do if x, y or z happened to her car. It was a HUGE help to my mom. 43 years later she STILL refers to those lists.
Because of that, I have been aware of my mom's wishes, and a lot of business aspects of dealing with death from a young age.
When my MIL died unexpectedly at age 64, we had no idea what her wishes were, and had to spend thousands to probate the estate.
My point is, it is best to talk now with a family member about their plans, and do you best to fulfill them. There may be uncomfortable for you, and their plans may not be what you would want, but trust me, dealing with a little discomfort is a lot better than not knowing, and carrying through on a person's final wishes in my opinion.

 

[arminnie]

I worded my original post a bit wrong, about the 3-day visitation. We had afternoon and evening visitations for 2 days for my Dad, then the third day was a shorter visitation before the actual funeral, and then the dinner at the church. Mom wants the same thing, but like I said I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.

I don't understand the part about your not being able to handle it? Hell - you don't even have to go. But why can't she have the service that she wants?

If you can't handle being there for all of that, well then only do what your fragile self can handle. Why does that mean that she can't have the service that she wants?

Is is going to upset you that there is a visitation? It's for people that want to go visit. If you don't want to see her in the casket you don't have to go look.

If you can't stand attending the funeral well then let her have it and you go shopping or whatever you'd rather do. Now if your mother has specific requests like expecting you to give an "eulogy, etc" I can understand why you would choose not to comply. If you don't want a lunch in your home, I can understand. But if she wants a lunch at a restaurant afterwards then let the staff take care of it. Again - you don't even have to go.

The visitation, service, and lunch can all be provided by the funeral home, church, and the catering staff or restaurant. If attending any of this is truly something that you can't handle attending than I think it would be much better for you to leave for a week or so and let the events take place as your mother wanted.

Yes some people may criticize you for not attending - but probably more would be upset that you chose to prevent others showing their respect as they and your mother wanted.

 

[tink1969]

You really should respect your mother's wishes and plan a funeral that she would have wanted. Unless she has it planned and prepaid now of course.

Personally, I don't have any issues with funerals or open caskets. Unfortunately, I have been to way too many funerals and have seen and even touched the hands or kissed the forehead of my loved one. Yes, really.
On the uncomfortable scale, I'd say its only about a 3 out of 10.

Seeing your loved one in the casket is NOT the image you will remember for the rest of your life....I don't even think about the funerals I have been too. I remember the good memories, funny stories, etc.


The 3 day visitation....is that a cultural thing? (Irish like their wakes!)

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'd do something in the middle, one day of visitation, closed casket, funeral and lunch afterwards. I wouldn't discuss it with her now and upset her. If she is adament about her plan, she can plan it ahead of time with the funeral home and then you won't have a choice. If she leaves it up to you to take care of, then I think you have some leeway to make changes.

 

[RitaE]

If she has pre-planned and pre-paid then I really don't think you have the right to change her wishes. As sympathetic as I feel for your opinion it does sound like what she has planned is fairly typical of the arrangements for your area/family. It isn't like she's asking you to take the urn and parachute out of a sky plane to scatter her ashes amongst the clouds or anything else that is extremely out there.

I think that if she was asking you personally to carry a financial load or responsibility outside of the norm then you might have a moral right to object ..... but that doesn't seem to be the case. If you can't handle 3 days and that is what she firmly wants, then recruit some help for other times and only personally go to one night.

My husband and I have both agreed on our own final arrangements and quite honestly I'd be quite upset to think that my closed casket low key affair had turned into something else.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't understand the part about your not being able to handle it? Hell - you don't even have to go. But why can't she have the service that she wants?

If you can't handle being there for all of that, well then only do what your fragile self can handle. Why does that mean that she can't have the service that she wants?

Is is going to upset you that there is a visitation? It's for people that want to go visit. If you don't want to see her in the casket you don't have to go look.

If you can't stand attending the funeral well then let her have it and you go shopping or whatever you'd rather do. Now if your mother has specific requests like expecting you to give an "eulogy, etc" I can understand why you would choose not to comply. If you don't want a lunch in your home, I can understand. But if she wants a lunch at a restaurant afterwards then let the staff take care of it. Again - you don't even have to go.

The visitation, service, and lunch can all be provided by the funeral home, church, and the catering staff or restaurant. If attending any of this is truly something that you can't handle attending than I think it would be much better for you to leave for a week or so and let the events take place as your mother wanted.

Yes some people may criticize you for not attending - but probably more would be upset that you chose to prevent others showing their respect as they and your mother wanted.

While your post is a little harsh, I do have to say that not being able to "handle" the funeral is weird to me as well.

I do understand that some people cannot stand funerals and you can bow out of the funeral home stuff and only attend the services if you choose. That is probably the compromise you should be seeking.

I would not change the preplanned stuff. That just seems ten kinds of wrong to me. I would not be able to stand that I changed my mother's wishes.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I don't understand the concern about "upsetting" the mother now by discussing funeral plans. The OP seems to be upset. Why have it hanging over HER head until her mother's passing? The time to discuss things is when it's not imminent. Quite honestly, everyone should have plans in writing, no matter how old. DH and I have had verbal discussions, and are very much on the same page. And every trip we've taken without the kids, I've left them a final "Bye honey...remember, we want to be cremated." (Seriously, but my kids "get" me. ) I do want to put it in writing tho, and the sooner the better. It's really not fair to put the burden on family members at a most vulnerable and emotional time.

I also don't understand people having such huge issues with seeing someone in a casket as far as it apparently haunting them for the rest of their lives as their "last memory". I was hardly thrilled about seeing my father in an open casket 12 years ago, but it was more about the fact that he was dead, open casket or not. I do understand that there are people who are less comfortable with it, and I think most people at a wake would understand (I would hope!) that some people would choose not to go up to the casket. But seeing my father in the casket is the very last thing that would ever come to mind when I think of him. I spent 40 years with him as my father, and my memories of him do not come down to the 4 hours at his wake.

 

[walden]

I want to suggest a "coping mechanism" to the OP. One I learned myself from experience. I've lost people suddenly. I also hate open caskets because the person in that open casket, however skilled the funeral home, never resembles the person I loved to the slightest degree. Quite the opposite! It creeps me out.

Every single time you see a loved one (even one that you do not anticipate losing, and even one you see frequently) in a happy situation consciously try to *photograph* that happy moment in your memory. In my experience it has to be a very conscious -- I need to remember this, because I :

*love you so much*,
*think that you are an idiot but you did really your best even when we did not agree*,

or ever can:
*totally forgive you for things that really hurt me in the past because I really love you at this moment.*

You don't have to say it, unless you want to, you just have to "photograph" it in your memory.

Then, if you lose that person suddenly, or even slowly and painfully, then those positive moments are the touch stones to which you go can go back in memory. Not the declining action and sadness.

If you have to look at that person in an open casket -- that body is not your loved one -- it is just the shell. The real person, in their glorious life and beauty, lives on in your memory. The funeral is just something you have to endure for the other survivors and to respect your loved one's wishes.

I admit I was being facetious about coming back to haunt people, but I do think that a person's beliefs about the final disposal of their remains should be respected. However they might conflict with my own wishes.

 

[Allison]

If she is adament about her plan, she can plan it ahead of time with the funeral home and then you won't have a choice. If she leaves it up to you to take care of, then I think you have some leeway to make changes.

Per a later post by the OP, her mom has planned with the funeral home and paid for the funeral already.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't understand the concern about "upsetting" the mother now by discussing funeral plans. The OP seems to be upset. Why have it hanging over HER head until her mother's passing? The time to discuss things is when it's not imminent. Quite honestly, everyone should have plans in writing, no matter how old. DH and I have had verbal discussions, and are very much on the same page. And every trip we've taken without the kids, I've left them a final "Bye honey...remember, we want to be cremated." (Seriously, but my kids "get" me. ) I do want to put it in writing tho, and the sooner the better. It's really not fair to put the burden on family members at a most vulnerable and emotional time.

My opinion is that the OP (and anyone else) really has no business trying to get someone to compromise or change their final wishes. I don't mean that like it sounds, its just that its a personal decision and if its already made it should be respected not tried to be changed for our own selfish reasons. We can decide what happens to US when its our time, but its not our place to decide for others. (I do understand there are circumstances where thats not possible, thats not what I'm talking about).

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Per a later post by the OP, her mom has planned with the funeral home and paid for the funeral already.

Ack, I must've missed that. I hate when I (and other people ) miss important posts. Thanks. I'll go look.

In that case, I don't see the issue. The mom made the plans, the OP can do what she finds comfortable within those plans, for example, greet people outside the room where the open casket is, or whatever. I would never consider changing the plan my loved one had pre-arranged.

 

[C.Ann]

Per a later post by the OP, her mom has planned with the funeral home and paid for the funeral already.

In that case, the choice has been made and OP will just have to do the best she can when the need arises..

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

My opinion is that the OP (and anyone else) really has no business trying to get someone to compromise or change their final wishes. I don't mean that like it sounds, its just that its a personal decision and if its already made it should be respected not tried to be changed for our own selfish reasons. We can decide what happens to US when its our time, but its not our place to decide for others. (I do understand there are circumstances where thats not possible, thats not what I'm talking about).

I didn't realize that the mother had all the plans all set. I thought she had expressed her wishes and the OP had a difference of opinion that she had not expressed, but just seemed very upset about. That's why I felt it should be discussed, at the very least to make the plans "official". (For example, my father wanted two nights for a wake, my mother didn't; they discussed it, and he agreed that one night would be sufficient.) But apparently I missed the post where it was stated that the plans are in fact all set.

 

[luvmy3]

I didn't realize that the mother had all the plans all set. I thought she had expressed her wishes and the OP had a difference of opinion that she had not expressed, but just seemed very upset about. That's why I felt it should be discussed, at the very least to make the plans "official". (For example, my father wanted two nights for a wake, my mother didn't; they discussed it, and he agreed that one night would be sufficient.) But apparently I missed the post where it was stated that the plans are in fact all set.

I didn't mean to pick your post out personally, it was the one that was there when I opened the thread
I'm actually very surprised at the pps who feel its okay to change things after the fact, I just couldn't imagine doing that or having it done to me.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I didn't mean to pick your post out personally, it was the one that was there when I opened the thread
I'm actually very surprised at the pps who feel its okay to change things after the fact, I just couldn't imagine doing that or having it done to me.

I absolutely agree with you.

 

[Abbie]

My opinion is that the OP (and anyone else) really has no business trying to get someone to compromise or change their final wishes. I don't mean that like it sounds, its just that its a personal decision and if its already made it should be respected not tried to be changed for our own selfish reasons. We can decide what happens to US when its our time, but its not our place to decide for others. (I do understand there are circumstances where thats not possible, thats not what I'm talking about).

But this is something that seems to be really upsetting to the one who will be left behind. I have to think that even though Mom has made her plans, the bottom line is that she won't care because she will be dead. But in the here and now, if she is aware that what she's requesting will cause great distress to her only child, I would think she might need/want to know that. Can any mom continue on insisting things be her way if she knows her child will be so upset by the choices?

I guess all families are different but I can't see any reason why OP can't at least talk to Mom and see if she is willing to compromise to some degree. You can have this conversation while still respecting wishes.

I keep trying to turn it around in my head....I want NO visitation, NO ceremony, and I want to be cremated. My family is aware and I am pretty firm about it. But if one of my kids were to come to me and beg me to consider their feelings about it, it wouldn't take but a second to change my mind if it would make their grieving easier. Because bottom line is while I'd like to have things my way, I really won't care when I'm dead. But the feelings of those left behind should be considered.

OP, hope things work out in the best way for all.

 

[SandrA9810]

I would talk now to see what is financial available, and who will be paying for the last wishes.

If a 3-day wake is going to cost thousands more, well probably hundreds, is it still financially feasible?? Would her mother prefer the money spent on something better??

My grandfather died suddenly, and with pretty much no savings. A funeral was scraped by with the help of my aunt. My mother was never in a financial responsible state, and my uncle only shows up when it's convenient for himself. So I think they got by with just 5 grand. They had the viewing the night before, with the ceremony held at the funeral parlor. Afterwards, the body was cremated, and we went out to the everglades with it. The church pastor came along and also did like a private ceremony, followed by a picnic lunch out there.

After all was said and done, my aunt made my grandmother sit down and spell out everything she wanted. Along with that, pulled an insurance policy large enough to cover the costs of the funeral. If there isn't enough money to cover it, then it won't happen. But my aunt will live knowing she did every thing possible, and took the best care she could of Ma.


I think you need to sit down with your mother, plan a will if she hasn't already. And discuss from a financial standpoint of what she wants vs what can be afforded. As well, tell her what you would prefer to do. Open up different options, some one recently made a topic about spreading their parent's ashes over the coral reefs. Tell her what you are comfortable with, and if there's any one else in the family that would be willing to carry out the extra wishes you can not do.

You're already having guilt about not wanting to do it. You'll feel even worse if you go against it. So to make yourself feel better about the whole idea is talk about it. At least you will know you tried to talk to her about it.