Please, As Many Opinions As Possible on This

[scnana]

My husband has been a minister for almost 40 years and he has always said a funeral is for the ones left behind. If you are the only one left to mourn your mother then you should plan for whatever makes it OK for you. A current "trend" here is to have visitation an hour or 2 before the service. We had one funeral where the body was taken for burial before the service and the grave was closed and decorated with flowers before we got to the cemetary. I remember years ago when the body was at the house and friends and relatives would "sit up" with the deceased until burial. Thank goodness those days are gone. My DH wants to cremated and then everyone have pecan pie and ice cream in the church fellowship hall and tell some funny stories of his life. Sounds like a plan!!

 

[DMass]

I think you should honour her wish for the funeral she wants.

I am in the opposite situation with my mother...I would have wanted her to have a traditional service, visitation, etc. She wants to just be buried with no service, no visitation, nothing in the paper, just a private burial with only her children (and grandchildren) there. I think that is sad, but I will honour her wishes when the time comes.

If she cares enough to voice how she wants her funeral, I think you should suck it up and give her what she would have wanted.

My mother wants that also. She's not a fan of wakes and big funerals.

 

[okeydokey]

I followed every last one of my mother's funeral wishes even though they were the complete opposite of what I would have wanted for myself.

I hope that when it is my time to go, my final wishes will be followed as well.

I agree with this.

 

[NAB]

I am surprised how many haven't heard of 2 or 3 day wakes. It take a good day to get it out in a newspaper, if you only had one day people would miss it or not be able to arrange to get there or off work.

My first husband died and I did not do all his wishes and to this day it really bothers me. I did what I thought I needed. So I would say do what she wishes or at least discuss with her your concerns.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Wow. I've never heard of a 3 day visitation. I don't think I agree with you that your Mother's wishes shouldn't be respected but ..... a 3 day visitation? How many people will even attend? I don't think I even know enough people to stretch it out over 3 days.

I don't think I could get through that either. Our tradition here is an evening visitation at a funeral home, a Church Funeral service the next morning and then a brief graveside prayer service and lunch after either at the Church or somebody's home. Every service I've ever attended has pretty much been like that and honestly that alone seems to wipe out the family members.

I'm not sure what to tell you other than I think you need to work this out with your Mother.

I agree...I never heard of a 3 day visitation, and I come from an old Italian family.

I would most definitely suck it up and go along with her wishes. That was her last wish, she should get it.

I agree. I've got to pre-plan my mother's funeral, and I will do as she wishes. I know when she and my dad pre-planned his funeral, he wanted 2 days visitation, and she talked him into 1.

Mom and I really need to talk about hers, but every time I bring it up, she doesn't want to. She's 87 and in failing health, and all my siblings and other relatives are scattered...it will be up to me to make decisions if plans aren't made. I've called the funeral home a couple of times in the last 4 years (yeah, not something I've wanted to deal with either)...and as soon as I'm done posting, I'm going to call again (they were "busy" those other times). Hopefully, even tho my fahter's funeral needed to be moved to another funeral home, his plans are on record and I can say "ditto".

I'm comfortable with open caskets, barring a situation where it wouldn't be open anyway. However, in my situation...my own death/funeral...I do NOT want an open casket. Left to my mother, if we were both younger and I had died first without a husband to plan mine, my mother would NOT honor my wishes for cremation and a memorial service. And the thought that someone wouldn't carry out my wishes and instead put my dead body on display, even tho I'd be dead and wouldn't know, is just SO WRONG. So, I will follow anyone's wishes, barring something bizarre and un-doable confused3), and even for my mother, who I know would not follow mine.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I agree that funerals are for the living. When the time comes, talk with other close relatives to see what they want to do. If you are the only really close relatives (no other children, etc), then do what you want.

 

[luvmy3]

I think its disrespectful to not honor someone's wishes for their funeral, especially your parent.

 

[Pigeon]

I would absolutely do what your mother wants you to do. I think it's the only respectful thing to do.

And I say that as someone who hates visitations and the hoopla and rituals associated with funerals, and who wants to be quietly cremated with no ceremony. And I would come back to haunt anyone who disrespected my wishes.

 

[vettechick99]

You can not win with this one: you honor her wishes and are miserable for days, or you do what you want, and feel guilty forever.

First, I agree with everyone. No one needs a 3-day visitation. Does she think she's the Pope? Criminy! Negotiate her down to one evening.

Other than that, I would go with most of her wishes but make it easy on you. Go ahead and let her plan the funeral now (she's footing the bill, right? ) and when the times comes, let friends and family take over (that's the one good thing about death - everyone wants to help). Finally, DO NOT look in the casket. I never look and you don't have to either.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I followed every last one of my mother's funeral wishes even though they were the complete opposite of what I would have wanted for myself.

I hope that when it is my time to go, my final wishes will be followed as well.

I agree that funerals are for the living. When the time comes, talk with other close relatives to see what they want to do. If you are the only really close relatives (no other children, etc), then do what you want.

Because when the time comes, discussing the plans in a very short period of time with a group of emotional people with potentially very different opinions will work so much better than following the deceased person's wishes. NOT.

When my next door neighbor's father was very ill, he had spelled out his wishes for his death (DNR, etc), and his kids still did battle in the hospital. JUST FOLLOW THE PERSON'S WISHES.

I think its disrespectful to not honor someone's wishes for their funeral, especially your parent.

I agree.

 

[rodeo65]

I am so thankful that my parents feel as I do that funerals are for those left behind. Years ago, when I was a young adult and my parents were more social and entertained a lot they used to say that they didn't want a dignified, grieving funeral, but instead wanted us to have a big blowout and play their favorite music - loudly.

Recently my mom brought it up again and said she has decided that whatever we do will be for my brother and his family and me and mine and that we should do what we need for closure. Since I don't know how well I will handle it I don't know what that looks like at this point and I hope I have a long time to get there.

I think if it happened soon, I'd still do the party thing - they have a lot of friends although less and less as time goes on. If it were years and years from now and/or there had been long drawn out health issues for either one, I might feel differently. I really don't know, and I'll have to take into consideration my brother and his family. It will fall to me, though since I'm the oldest and the one who still lives near them.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Where I come from a 3 day wake is the normal way to do things followed by full Church services and a limo procession to the graveside funeral on the 3rd day. It's more of a family gathering where family and friends collect to provide support and stability for the deceased's immediate family not to mention allowing time for family members to travel. Growing up in NY I went to countless wakes and was never exposed to any less. That said, now that I am in Pennsylvania I have seen all sorts of things, some people do absolutely nothing at all and others do video memorials. I can't make up my mind whether the differences are either a regional or cultural thing but there are plainly differences.

Thinking back to my Grandparents I tend to think that their siblings would have been deeply upset if any less than the 3 days were given. So with that in mind, if there are other older family members still around who could be distressed by a shortened service then it might be best to let things go. However, if you are the primary mourner and the prolonged services would be hard on you I think it is best to bring that up the next time the subject makes its way in front of you both. I can't imagine your Mom wants things to be harder on her children than is necessary. Still, in the end I would only make changes if she was ok with them. I would have a hard time living with myself if I didn't follow a good person's wishes, assuming the wishes didn't do any harm.

The only exception would be if he 3 day service was going to bankrupt me that would take precedence over the rest of it. I can't imagine getting bills month after month for a loved one's burial, that's just too horrid to imagine... it would make grieving unbearable and that is something definitely worth mentioning. If finances were to create a hardship then discretion would be the most reasonable course.

 

[msmayor]

Funerals may indeed be for the living, but I could never, ever in good conscience NOT fulfill my parents' wishes for that.

My parents have left instructions for what they want, and I intend to follow them to the letter.

 

[jme829]

Funerals may indeed be for the living, but I could never, ever in good conscience NOT fulfill my parents' wishes for that.

My parents have left instructions for what they want, and I intend to follow them to the letter.

or anyone else's for that matter.

 

[krcit]

I think it would bother me forever if I didn't follow my mom's wishes. I would have a discussion with your mom and see if she would compromise. Around here, it is common to have 2 days of wake and then the funeral Mass on the 3rd day followed by a luncheon type thing. That is what we did when my dad died and it was exhausting both emotionally and physically(and I was only 21 years old) My mom has told me that she only wants 1 evening wake and then a funeral b/c of how draining Dad;s was on all of us.


OP, I really do understand where you are coming from but to me it would be disrespectful not to follow soemone's last wishes if they are reasonable. That's why I would try to talk to her before you are in that position.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, I would follow her wishes. It will be the last time you can ever do something for her.

TC

 

[nbs2]

I'm still confused why someone would propose anything along the veins of "let your mom make here requests, then do what you are most comfortable with."

Wouldn't it be fairer to both parties if the OP simply presented her side and let the mother decide to either: a) seek a middle ground or b) find someone else to take charge?

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

For those who responded that funerals are for the living and the living should do what THEY want...what if YOU died and "the living" didn't like your plans? What if they wanted to have an open casket, 3 days of mourning, a very religious ceremony (if you're not religious) or whatever else they want that you didn't...would that be OK with you? Personally, I have a HUGE issue with MY OWN CASKET being open, yet that's what my mother would do if she were in charge of it because she does what SHE wants.

 

[diznygirl]

I'm with you OP - been trying to change my mom's opinion but she's not budging. It stinks because I think there will be a total of ten people at her funeral, but we have to jump through the hoops and spend all this money for that? But gotta do what we gotta do.

 

[NMAmy]

I don't know, to me, it just seems so disrespectful to not follow someone's last wishes. Funerals may be for the living but we have them to honor and mourn the deceased. Personally, I just could not feel that I had honored a loved one if I had deliberately changed their funeral plans.

OP--I know it's hard but perhaps you could just talk with your mother and see if she might be okay with cutting down the visitation time. And with an open casket, there's no one forcing you to look so you could avoid that and still have the open casket.