Please, As Many Opinions As Possible on This

[LuvLDM]

I think its disrespectful to not honor someone's wishes for their funeral, especially your parent.

I agree.

 

[bettymae1121]

While I wouldn't change the way a person wants their remains handled, say they want to be buried in a casket but you'd rather have them cremated and scatter the ashes, that I think is...well not wrong exactly...but should be avoided if at all possible. One should have a say in what happens to their remains.

But to shorten or simpifly a person's last requests, I don't think that's as big of an issue.

OP, In your shoes I'd absolutely would do the casket along with viewing as this seems to be the most important thing to your mom, but I'd shorten the viewing to several hours one evening and then just do a graveside service the following day. I also would not mention it to your mom, no reason to get her upset if you aren't going to follow her wishes exactly.

Whatever you decide, just be sure it's something you know you can live with once all is said and done.

 

[dhcoffey]

I think its disrespectful to not honor someone's wishes for their funeral, especially your parent.

I agree. There's no way I wouldn't do what my mother wanted. No matter what, when she died, it was an emotional and exhausting experience whether I did what I wanted or she wanted. She was my mother, she stated her last wishes and I followed them to the end. No way was I changing that. She even wanted bagpipes playing Amazing Grace. Do you know how hard it was finding bagpipes in south GA?? But we did it and it was incredible because she always loved the sound of bagpipes.

Heather

 

[rodeo65]

For those who responded that funerals are for the living and the living should do what THEY want...what if YOU died and "the living" didn't like your plans? What if they wanted to have an open casket, 3 days of mourning, a very religious ceremony (if you're not religious) or whatever else they want that you didn't...would that be OK with you? Personally, I have a HUGE issue with MY OWN CASKET being open, yet that's what my mother would do if she were in charge of it because she does what SHE wants.

I'm not sure the issue is about what the survivors WANT but what they can deal with. I know for me, I am very close to my parents and want to remember the best times with them. I do not want my last memory of them to be in their casket, and I don't think I could get through days of visitation and a long drawn out day of funeral service, grave side service and get together after without being heavily medicated. Fortunately, for me it is not an issue because my parents are not placing any expectations on us other than what we NEED to say goodbye.

My feelings could change when it happens. I don't know since I haven't been there but I think that I will want to have a closed casket or cremation. Both parents have said either is fine with them. Of course issues could come up between my brother and I. We've never discussed it. Guess we should do that soon, while everyone is still reasonably healthy.

I will say the same thing to my own kids (DH already knows this) - what they would need to deal with my death. I personally want to be cremated. I can't stand the thought of my body rotting away BUT, since I won't be using it anymore in the end if my kids felt the need to put me in the ground, so be it.

 

[rodeo65]

While I wouldn't change the way a person wants their remains handled, say they want to be buried in a casket but you'd rather have them cremated and scatter the ashes, that I think is...well not wrong exactly...but should be avoided if at all possible. One should have a say in what happens to their remains.

But to shorten or simpifly a person's last requests, I don't think that's as big of an issue.

OP, In your shoes I'd absolutely would do the casket along with viewing as this seems to be the most important thing to your mom, but I'd shorten the viewing to several hours one evening and then just do a graveside service the following day. I also would not mention it to your mom, no reason to get her upset if you aren't going to follow her wishes exactly.

Whatever you decide, just be sure it's something you know you can live with once all is said and done.

VERY well put!

 

[FergieTCat]

I misread your post.

I would respect my parents' wishes, no matter how I felt about it. It would be the last thing I could do for them.

I did say -- be glad you aren't Jewish. We have a 7-day mourning period after the funeral.

 

[DisneyKT]

I think its disrespectful to not honor someone's wishes for their funeral, especially your parent.

Very very true.

My Mom just past away this past July. Very hard to sit and watch your parent die. My sister's and one brother honored her requests. One brother did not want to. I kept the peace but told him sorry this is what Mom wanted.


I couldn't do that to my Mom after everything she had done for me. What does that say about person.

My Dad has now told me what he wants and has written it down. The ending of your parents life is hard enough without living with the guilt of not respecting their final wishes.

 

[pigletgirl]

I would honor it.

Maybe its different with older folks but when we went to the funerals of my friends sad2 ), it was centered around them and a celebration of their life.

Yes the family had a say about the service, ect but in the end, it would have been strange to be a funeral that wasn't about her. YKIM?

So, I would honor her wishes!

 

[hopemax]

I tend to agree that honoring a person's funeral wishes is the last gift you are able to give them. That said, if the person has not "pre-paid" and the estate does not have the funds to fulfill those wishes, I would not place myself in financial difficulties to grant all the wishes.

When my paternal Grandmother died, we flew her from WA to WI so that she could be buried with the rest of the family. There was no visitation, aside from a couple hours before mass at the family church. We had the big procession to the graveyard, and then a small wake at a restaurant afterwards. Which is what she wanted, given that she knew she would be buried 2500 miles away, and there is only so much you can do in that case. One request, though, we did not fulfill. When I got married, she had the perfect dress, and it was very flattering. She did not want it to be her burial dress, because she didn't want me to have bad memory association. But the dress she wanted to be buried in, was not nearly as nice or flattering. So my Mom and I decided to bury her in the dress from my wedding. Everyone commented on how lovely she looked, and her beautiful dress, so we knew we had made the right decision.

My other Grandma is still kicking at almost 87. She has had everything pre-paid for years, and every time she gets sick she reminds everyone that all the decisions have been made because she doesn't want to be a burden.

 

[sunnyday123]

I think its disrespectful to not honor someone's wishes for their funeral, especially your parent.

This. You don't have to stand near the casket, or look at it. I go out of my way to avoid them and if someone has a problem with it, too bad. But I would honor my Mother's last wishes and not just do what I wanted after the fact.

 

[MIGrandma]

OP here, thanks for all the replies so far. I do think I'm going to talk to my Mom about her wishes and just see if she will compromise at all with me. She and Dad planned and pre-paid for their funerals several years ago, but I was also there and the funeral home will allow for changes, and adjust the $$ accordingly.

I worded my original post a bit wrong, about the 3-day visitation. We had afternoon and evening visitations for 2 days for my Dad, then the third day was a shorter visitation before the actual funeral, and then the dinner at the church. Mom wants the same thing, but like I said I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.

I am an only child, so no siblings to discuss anything with.

I do think I would probably feel guilt if I didn't honor her wishes, even though I truly believe the remaining family should be the ones making the decisions as to what they are comfortable with, as they are the ones grieving and dealing with so many emotions it shouldn't be so hard on the ones left behind.

I think I will speak to her about it, and see if we can come to some sort of compromise. Maybe a 1-day visitation (afternoon/evening) then the funeral the next afternoon. And no dinner. And if she truly wants open casket I just will not go up to it. My last memory of my Dad is seeing him in the casket and I just hate that. I will not have that be the last memory of my Mother.

I don't know what I will do if she won't budge. I don't know if I would be able to not feel guilty if I didn't honor her wishes. I probably wouldn't decide until the time comes.

Who knows, I may go before she does and then it will be a moot point, right?

I honestly don't care what my family does with me. I want them to be comfortable. I won't be here, I won't know or care what happens and I would rather they do what they want and be comfortable with that, rather than try to honor my wishes and have more difficulties than need be.

Thanks again, everyone, for giving me your opinions. I do appreciate it and I'll check back again to see if there are more.

 

[Tinkh]

There is not one single part of me that could not honor my mothers last wishes. Heck, my mom has even planned her own funeral and paid for it already. She has picked her songs and everything. She has been obsessed with getting it her way since my dad died when he was 26 and she did not know all his wishes since they were so young when he had his car wreck. I love my mom so much and I am not being judgmental about other's views, but I do not think I could handle or get through her funeral knowing that I were doing what she did not want. Good luck finding a solution. Maybe just discuss with her and see if she is willing to budge. If she is not, then I can't possibly think that you would not deal with massive guilty later if you did not honor what she wanted.

 

[RunningGirl]

I would honor her wishes - and I would hate it, too. But you say it's pre-paid and it is her final wish. If it were me I would have a harder time living with the guilt I would lay on myself for the rest of my life if I didn't follow her wishes than getting through those three days if I did.

 

[Rora]

Honestly, I would do what you can handle.

If you don't want to have a big funeral, or a funeral at all, then I wouldn't.

As another PP stated, I would try to honor her requests but if I truly couldn't handle it, again, I wouldn't.

If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't tell my mother I was going to change her plan.

 

[walden]

I'd definitely honor my mother's wishes if she feels strongly about the type of funeral she wants. I'd also advise her, especially if she is aware of your reservations, to get a pre-planned, pre-paid funeral so she can specify what she wants. Not so much to prevent me from simplifying it, or from a reluctance to pay for it, but because it just makes sense. I wouldn't rush the conversation as she is in good health, but if she brings it up of her own volition I'd gently advise her to go the pre-pay route.

Eh, I hate funerals, detest open caskets, and long drawn out visitations too. Full, soup-to-nuts (incredibly expensive) funerals like the ones you describe are absolutely required in my DH's family. He and I honor their wishes, and arrange and attend their funerals, but neither of us want that type of funeral for ourselves, nor do we want the kids to be pressured into one by bossy Auntie C. We have written this into our wills and notified our attorney. No visitation, no embalming, no funeral. A quick cremation after organ donation (if we have anything left worth donating) and if the "living" want a memorial service or celebration after that I have no objection.

Funerals may be for the living, but I'm putting myself in your Mother's position. I'd hate it if my own wishes were not honored. I'll come back and haunt anyone who throws an elaborate funeral over my dead body! (Not seriously!)

 

[mjkacmom]

What do other family members think? I don't mind wakes and funerals (we're Irish). It's a time for family to come together, tell stories, laugh, cry... I prefer open casket, since that's what we've always done. My gf just lost her mom unexpectedly, and under unfortunate conditions making an open casket impossible, and she was SO upset, and was having a hard time with closure.

I'd tried to talk her into a 1 day afternoon/evening viewing, because 3 days is a long time, especially for someone who is elderly, and probably won't pack them in. We always have a repast after the funeral Mass, open bar, at a restaurant or catering facility.

 

[bumbershoot]

While the dead certainly have little to do with their own funerals, the issue is one of last wishes and the tradition of allowing a person over last bit of control over their own bodies.

From the perceptive of those grieving, onerous requests and absurd demands by the dead can create a level of guilt among survivors that isn't fair. The child or spouse that isn't able to accomplish that last request is doomed to feelings of remorse when thinking about the departed because there was a request that couldn't be fulfilled - after spending a wonderful and loving lifetime that should dominate their memories.

However, consider the concerns of the deceased. As an extreme example, a Jew or Muslim isn't going to notice if you wrap them in bacon before you bury them. However, we must ask ourselves what level of dignity are we going to allow the dead to retain over their remains. If a person feels so strongly about something that they make it their ultimate request during their mortal existence, is it fair that we should deny them that request?

In your case, as in any individuals, it is about what you can handle. Does your mother understand your innate inability or accomplish her desires - that doing as she is requesting is outside your comfort zone? I'd be sure that she is aware of this. I'd let her know that you would do your best, but if something were to happen tomorrow, you wouldn't be capable of handling the trauma - that she may need to find someone else to take charge of the funeral. At the same time, make sure she understands that it isn't a lack of love that keeps you from doing this, but that it is your love for her that keeps you from being able to have that haunting visage. Let her know that you would try to comply with her wishes, but you doubt you could do it - and you want her to be happy. She can keep you in charge, leaving you do to the best you can, or she can have someone who could stomach the task assist you.

Be fair to her and only ask the same of her.

I agree with all of this.

And you don't have to go to ANY of it. Someone decided to have two evening visitations for my mom and my stepdad and I stayed home for both evenings. Honestly I'm not sure what stepdad was thinking...my mom certainly wouldn't have wanted that and it really bugged me to think of her there, with no one there, but I KNOW she wouldn't have wanted me to go, because she wouldn't have wanted to have those visitations!

Then there was an open casket before her funeral. I stayed in the family room. I refused to go, as did my brother. No one could make us go; it certainly was not what our mother would have wanted us to do, she HATED open caskets. Again, I haven't a clue what my stepdad was thinking. I think he just wasn't thinking, and went with whatever the funeral home and his church said... My aunt was glad at the time that she could see her sister, but now, 10 years later, she regrets it, because it's ALL she can remember of my mom, without looking at pictures. And that sucks. I'm so glad that my brother and I stood firm, and that my sister in law went along with my brother's wishes, because the time to NOT be peer-pressured or guilted into doing something is at the too early funeral of your mother.

So you can plan the events then just not be there, if you wish.

Wouldn't it be fairer to both parties if the OP simply presented her side and let the mother decide to either: a) seek a middle ground or b) find someone else to take charge?

I like that, too. But if there's no one else to do it, then it might fall to the OP anyway.

 

[Nancyg56]

I am surprised how many haven't heard of 2 or 3 day wakes. It take a good day to get it out in a newspaper, if you only had one day people would miss it or not be able to arrange to get there or off work.

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I think it is age related. I am 54 so those horrible wakes are embedded in my mind.

OP- when my Mom died my sister and I knew what she wanted. She totally did nto want a viewing, no wake. Just a Mass. She was pretty vocal about that. Well my brother was horrified. He really could not understand that and was devastated. Gail and I did the best that we could honoring her wishes. We just had a private gathering before the Mass. We did nto honor my Mom's wishes to the letter but we did the bst tha we could. My brother needed that hour with her and we knew that no matter what, My Mom would have walked through fire for any one of us so she would have understood.

My sister and I stood firm on every thing that she wanted but that hour. I know that it is hard to make changes but I would just say that you do the best that you can. You knwo what things your parents really feel strongly about so do not deviate from those. If you need to make a few alteratioons for thos left behind then you do that. Just do your best. I bet if you look back on anything that you did and think about how your Mom or Dad supported you, you would remember them telling you to just do the best that you could do. That is how you handle a FUneral. You do the best that you can.

 

[Allison]

If my parents had already planned and paid for their funeral and had made their wishes known, there is no way in the world I could change those plans. I would feel it was the wrong thing to do and wouldn't want to live with the guilt I would have.

 

[Judy from Boise]

I guess not being Catholic makes a difference, I have never been to a viewing/wake or known people who had them. Typically we have a 1 hour church service, procession to the grave, short graveside, and then lunch back at the church.

But, I agree with Bumbershoot, I would follow your Mom's wishes, but pick and chose what you show up for. Surely she has friends that can "hostess" the viewing.