phone for a 7th grader? Best parental monitoring apps.

[hsmamato2]

I'm gonna jump in here with (maybe) an unpopular view....kids and "phones". Let's just call the devices what they truly are, not really a phone, but a full on computer,connected to the web. No matter how smart you think your kiddo is, or trustworthy, be assured there are people out there who spend their lives figuring out how to get in contact with smart kids who aren't experienced enough in life to know what's even happening,and it's not for healthy reasons.
This is the reality of giving kids such a device. I hope that all the monitoring software helps to protect those kids, but it seems rather lacking,from what I've seen.
My kids are grown, but I know for sure that if they had the option back in the day, the most they'd have is a simple flip phone for actual calls/basic texting if necessary to keep in touch. A phone is used to talk/text,actual communication. A smartphone is a computer in your pocket,and that's a whole different thing. Just my .02 FWIW.

 

[dez1978]

Just remember that what you see on their phone is only what they want you to see.

It is very easy for a kid to use another’s phone. To login to social media accounts you know nothing about and interact with people you are not aware of.

The first line of defense has to be an open and honest two way relationship.

I know that, but again, it's not about me not trusting my child. At this age, for most parents it isn't about trust or an open/honest relationship. It's about not trusting others, and about my kid not having the life experience yet to know what is safe and what it not. While I do my best to talk to them and warn them about things, sometimes until certain situations arise, I don't think about it as something to talk to them about. And if it isn't something we've talked about, I can't expect him to know it's wrong or that it's potentially unsafe. And regardless of how great of a relationship we have, he struggles to tell me if someone is bullying him, because he hates to get anyone in trouble, even if that person is a jerk. He will tell me anything else, but not something that will get a classmate in trouble, unless it is serious (like drugs or a weapon). And not because he is "hiding" things from me, he just doesn't want someone to be mad at him.

I see two different topics happening here on this thread so far by the OP

Are you wanting to just be able to use parental controls in a way so you can filter bad or inappropriate content out?

Or are you wanting to actually monitor your child's every move?

I do not want to monitor his every move. I just want somthing that will alert me to the red flags like Bark is supposed to as described in the quote below. I don't need to see his every text and phone call, just to be able to briefly see if there is anything that needs attention or that I need to talk to him about.

I both love and hate Bark. I love that Bark doesn't just let parents spy on their kids. I don't see everything my daughter browses, I don't see every single text, but it picks up on keywords and sends snippets to me if they are concerning, and it lets you flag things that you are concerned about, like sef-harm, bullying, sexual content. It frequently gets that wrong (it has sent several text conversations between me and her to me to review for "bullying" or "self-harm" when it took something out of context). It has also picked up on some issues with her friends. If I know the parents of her friends she texts with I tell them Em has Bark on her phone and it's going to be monitoring their conversations, if I don't know the parents then I make sure Em tells these new friends that she has monitoring on her phone. What I don't love about Bark is how laughably easy it is to disable. It's kind of a joke. Also, because all the monitoring apps use VPNs, they can't work together. I also pay for TMobile Family Time because it allows me to take complete control of her phone if need be, and we have had a couple times where I needed to, but I had to disable the Bark first in order to use Family Time.

See, this is what I am after, but Bark doesn't work well with Iphones. He struggles with standing up for himself, or telling on kids who are bullying him because he doesn't want to get anyone in trouble or make them mad.

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm gonna jump in here with (maybe) an unpopular view....kids and "phones". Let's just call the devices what they truly are, not really a phone, but a full on computer,connected to the web. No matter how smart you think your kiddo is, or trustworthy, be assured there are people out there who spend their lives figuring out how to get in contact with smart kids who aren't experienced enough in life to know what's even happening,and it's not for healthy reasons.
This is the reality of giving kids such a device. I hope that all the monitoring software helps to protect those kids, but it seems rather lacking,from what I've seen.
My kids are grown, but I know for sure that if they had the option back in the day, the most they'd have is a simple flip phone for actual calls/basic texting if necessary to keep in touch. A phone is used to talk/text,actual communication. A smartphone is a computer in your pocket,and that's a whole different thing. Just my .02 FWIW.

While I don't think you're wrong, I do think limiting what a kid can access to just talk/text can put a limit on communicating with peers. If everyone is communicating via Remind or Google Classroom or some other legitimate app, and your child only does talk/text, how much communication are they missing out on?

It's definitely a fine line and it changes by age. Talk/text may be fine for a 4th grader, but a 6th grader who's involved in extra curricular school activities may miss out on important communications.

Just something to think about.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I know that, but again, it's not about me not trusting my child. At this age, for most parents it isn't about trust or an open/honest relationship. It's about not trusting others, and about my kid not having the life experience yet to know what is safe and what it not. While I do my best to talk to them and warn them about things, sometimes until certain situations arise, I don't think about it as something to talk to them about. And if it isn't something we've talked about, I can't expect him to know it's wrong or that it's potentially unsafe. And regardless of how great of a relationship we have, he struggles to tell me if someone is bullying him, because he hates to get anyone in trouble, even if that person is a jerk. He will tell me anything else, but not something that will get a classmate in trouble, unless it is serious (like drugs or a weapon). And not because he is "hiding" things from me, he just doesn't want someone to be mad at him.

I do not want to monitor his every move. I just want somthing that will alert me to the red flags like Bark is supposed to as described in the quote below. I don't need to see his every text and phone call, just to be able to briefly see if there is anything that needs attention or that I need to talk to him about.

See, this is what I am after, but Bark doesn't work well with Iphones. He struggles with standing up for himself, or telling on kids who are bullying him because he doesn't want to get anyone in trouble or make them mad.

Maybe your child isn't ready for this??

I'm not saying what you're asking/concerned about is far fetched but it sounds like you'd be exposing him more to something that which you know he has a hard time with.

Is there a phone out there that would allow for lines of communication but in a more limited way? I know it's hard to find non-smartphones and I haven't looked for a while but just wondering.

In a way there does need to be some maturity on behalf of your child not just responsibility in something expensive but emotional, and I'm not saying even a 7th or 8th grader is all that emotionally responsible (say if you were to wait another year or two) but if he's already struggling with standing up for himself, for letting you know if there's bullying and you're feeling like you have to put tabs on him for those reasons it might not be best to give him a device where for many parents that's a big concern not just will he run into inappropriate sites inadvertently.

 

[dez1978]

Maybe your child isn't ready for this??

I'm not saying what you're asking/concerned about is far fetched but it sounds like you'd be exposing him more to something that which you know he has a hard time with.

Is there a phone out there that would allow for lines of communication but in a more limited way? I know it's hard to find non-smartphones and I haven't looked for a while but just wondering.

In a way there does need to be some maturity on behalf of your child not just responsibility in something expensive but emotional, and I'm not saying even a 7th or 8th grader is all that emotionally responsible (say if you were to wait another year or two) but if he's already struggling with standing up for himself, for letting you know if there's bullying and you're feeling like you have to put tabs on him for those reasons it might not be best to give him a device where for many parents that's a big concern not just will he run into inappropriate sites inadvertently.

He very well might not be. But going into middle school where he will be staying after school for sports and traveling on buses to games an hour or 2 away, and having another, younger kid who I will be with in different places at the same time, I want him to have a way to get a hold of us. And because I am not going to send a 7th grader to daycare, they will be home alone some and need to be able to call me at work, and I can't have my phone here, so he can't like, facetime me or use an app to call on wifi, he needs to be able to call a landline. Because of the signal in our house, an iphone is the most reliable as far as being able to text messages thru. Imessages always go thru where sms messages do not. And quite honestly, he will probably never not struggle with standing up for himself, bc at 43, I still struggle with it lol. So I can't really wait till thats not an issue.
He's totally responsible enough to take care of a phone. He's had a set of airpods for 3 years, and I was sure he'd lose those, but he's taken great care of those. He's got a school ipad and a tablet at home that he takes care of and hasn't lost or broken yet.
I know lots of people don't agree with kids having phones and there are others who give their kids phones in 2nd-3rd grade. I'm not really looking for opinions on if I should or shouldn't get him a phone, because honestly, I'd rather not. It's more this needs to happen, does anyone have suggestions for parental controls/monitoring apps to help us navigate this until he gets a little more mature
ETA: that sounded snarky and I don't mean to be snarky. Just more of an it is what it is situation and I don't like it either, but in order for all the things to happen that need to happen for all of us, a phone is needed. So judgement or opinions of readiness aren't needed, because I've already had all those thoughts. Judgements on the use of parental monitoring/controls and "if you had a good relationship with your kids, you don't need that" also aren't really helpful because it has nothing to do with my relationship with my kid. But both were expected when I posted becasue it is the DIS after all lol.

 

[leahgoogle]

He very well might not be. But going into middle school where he will be staying after school for sports and traveling on buses to games an hour or 2 away, and having another, younger kid who I will be with in different places at the same time, I want him to have a way to get a hold of us. And because I am not going to send a 7th grader to daycare, they will be home alone some and need to be able to call me at work, and I can't have my phone here, so he can't like, facetime me or use an app to call on wifi, he needs to be able to call a landline. Because of the signal in our house, an iphone is the most reliable as far as being able to text messages thru. Imessages always go thru where sms messages do not. And quite honestly, he will probably never not struggle with standing up for himself, bc at 43, I still struggle with it lol. So I can't really wait till thats not an issue.
He's totally responsible enough to take care of a phone. He's had a set of airpods for 3 years, and I was sure he'd lose those, but he's taken great care of those. He's got a school ipad and a tablet at home that he takes care of and hasn't lost or broken yet.
I know lots of people don't agree with kids having phones and there are others who give their kids phones in 2nd-3rd grade. I'm not really looking for opinions on if I should or shouldn't get him a phone, because honestly, I'd rather not. It's more this needs to happen, does anyone have suggestions for parental controls/monitoring apps to help us navigate this until he gets a little more mature

We held off until middle school (6th grade) to let our kids get phones too. And, they were always the last ones of their friends to get phones. They are all very involved in sports too. If you are available for an upgrade, I would give the iphone 13 to your son and upgrade your phone. The technology is changing so fast and phones are getting outdated more quickly. This would enable you to not have to upgrade his phone for awhile. I don't have a specific monitoring program, but I do use apple screen time to filter out explicit music and websites. I have to approve a suspect website. It does go overboard sometimes (I needed to approve Etsy), but I would rather have that than something slip through. Now, youtube is a different beast and explicit stuff can be found on there. I have not banned her from using youtube, but I do spot check what she is watching. She is not allowed to have social media. I told all my kids that I could dig up deleted texts if I need to and to my knowledge they haven't deleted any, but I don't monitor text explicitly.

 

[ambula603]

You have been given lots of good advice here but one thing I wanted to mention - don't let them go to bed with their phones/devices. That is the time I use to check them (not every night, but often enough) but more importantly, it lets them shut their brains down before bed. My daughter doesn't engage in social media MUCH (she's 14) but she is a good friend and sometimes her friends will call her and want to text all night with drama. This gives her an "out" so to speak. I had heard a story a long time ago about teen girls texting each other things like "just don't leave me, don't go to bed, etc" and I could see my daughter as being one to not let her friends down. I started to look for software but in the end, checking at night and having time/app limits via Apple has been good enough for us.

My other daughter is in 5th grade. We have already seen that a "friend" told her how to delete old messages. So this opened up a good conversation with both girls that nothing is ever truly deleted in a world of screenshots. We also have a rule that no photos can be taken unless you are in dress code attire. So no bathing suits, etc. And if you don't want it printed in the yearbook, don't text it or share it!

We all use Life360 for location monitoring. I will say, I very much enjoy our family group chats. We text positive messages every morning before school (my DH leaves for work before they are awake). Phones don't have to be all negative. Sometimes teens feel more comfortable texting you something than saying it out loud. It can be a valuable line of communication!

 

[Lilsia]

Judgements on the use of parental monitoring/controls and "if you had a good relationship with your kids, you don't need that" also aren't really helpful because it has nothing to do with my relationship with my kid. But both were expected when I posted becasue it is the DIS after all lol.

My post wasn't meant to be "judgemental", just giving my experience. And having raised my kids and seeing how their friends acted when they had parents that monitored their phones, I can honestly say that those children easily found ways around the monitoring. Those kids are more likely to sneak around and be less open with their parents.
As parents, we know why we feel the need to monitor these things because it is a scary world out there, but before you do that, I would have an open and honest discussion with your son about what exactly is going to be on his phone. If you go that route, tell him and show him exactly what you will be able to see on his phone.
If your child feels like you are looking at everything that they do, they start to feel like you don't trust them, even though that is not your intention.
We gave our kids their first phone at that age for them to use if needed. They took it with them to school and out and about, but didn't use them at home much. Even when we went out as a family, they left their phones at home. They also did not have the social apps on them. If you take one thing from my comments, it is to keep an open and honest dialog with your child. That will be your best defense against the world.

 

[anniemae]

I'm gonna jump in here with (maybe) an unpopular view....kids and "phones". Let's just call the devices what they truly are, not really a phone, but a full on computer,connected to the web. No matter how smart you think your kiddo is, or trustworthy, be assured there are people out there who spend their lives figuring out how to get in contact with smart kids who aren't experienced enough in life to know what's even happening,and it's not for healthy reasons.
This is the reality of giving kids such a device. I hope that all the monitoring software helps to protect those kids, but it seems rather lacking,from what I've seen.
My kids are grown, but I know for sure that if they had the option back in the day, the most they'd have is a simple flip phone for actual calls/basic texting if necessary to keep in touch. A phone is used to talk/text,actual communication. A smartphone is a computer in your pocket,and that's a whole different thing. Just my .02 FWIW.

It is true and this was my major complaint. My kids begged for a phone and I wanted them to be able to reach me and I also wanted to be able to reach them. All their friends had fancy new iPhones and the pressure to get them a device was intense. The fact that these phones are mini computers is why they are all so addicted. Its constant. When they go to their rooms they are on the devices well into the night. There comes a point where you lose the battle and once they have a phone, their behavior changes. We started out with no phones at night time, and had alerts sent to us when they tried to download anything. Once they are older teens and can have the phone at their disposal, you just have to trust them.

My kids needed more than a flip phone because they had assignments on line, and needed access to the google classroom while at school. The teachers communicated with them via google classroom. They also did sports and that is how the coaches communicated with them. It stinks but it's the way of the world now.

 

[kdonnel]

I know that, but again, it's not about me not trusting my child. At this age, for most parents it isn't about trust or an open/honest relationship. It's about not trusting others, and about my kid not having the life experience yet to know what is safe and what it not. While I do my best to talk to them and warn them about things, sometimes until certain situations arise, I don't think about it as something to talk to them about. And if it isn't something we've talked about, I can't expect him to know it's wrong or that it's potentially unsafe. And regardless of how great of a relationship we have, he struggles to tell me if someone is bullying him, because he hates to get anyone in trouble, even if that person is a jerk. He will tell me anything else, but not something that will get a classmate in trouble, unless it is serious (like drugs or a weapon). And not because he is "hiding" things from me, he just doesn't want someone to be mad at him.

My warnings are not about trust, it is about your desire to protect your kid.

I am just trying to make sure you understand that whatever level of blocking you settle on for the phone, that it must be followed up with constant communication with your child since that phone is likely not their only contact with potential online danger.

My kids all talked about how their friends, and I assume my kids as well, all had multiple social media accounts. Those that were show for their parents and those that were for real. Very different content.

It sounds like you are aware that turning on blocking is not a set it and forget it solution to online dangers.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But going into middle school where he will be staying after school for sports and traveling on buses to games an hour or 2 away, and having another, younger kid who I will be with in different places at the same time, I want him to have a way to get a hold of us.

Yeah that's why I was wondering if there was a less "smartphone" style out there to maybe begin with but because it's been forever since I've looked I'm not sure how dumb the phones are these days that you can even get lol

And quite honestly, he will probably never not struggle with standing up for himself,

Too true. I was more thinking because he's a kid and vulnerable that way specifically enough that you called it out. At least as adults we have the agency to do so, maybe not always choosing to but we know that as adults we can. I guess I was thinking about "could things be worked on in the meantime" in empowering him a bit more, IYKWIM.

I know lots of people don't agree with kids having phones and there are others who give their kids phones in 2nd-3rd grade.

Oh I get it, a phone is just ubiquitous these days with even very young kids no matter how any of us feel about phone usage, just how it is like you said.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And if you don't want it printed in the yearbook, don't text it or share it!

Somewhat joking but I take it you haven't seen some of the yearbook messages under people's pictures lol.

 

[dez1978]

Yeah that's why I was wondering if there was a less "smartphone" style out there to maybe begin with but because it's been forever since I've looked I'm not sure how dumb the phones are these days that you can even get lol

Too true. I was more thinking because he's a kid and vulnerable that way specifically enough that you called it out. At least as adults we have the agency to do so, maybe not always choosing to but we know that as adults we can. I guess I was thinking about "could things be worked on in the meantime" in empowering him a bit more, IYKWIM.

Oh I get it, a phone is just ubiquitous these days with even very young kids no matter how any of us feel about phone usage, just how it is like you said.

I get it. Thank you for not thinking I was being snarky and understanding what I was trying to say.
Some kids are the kids who take no crap and stand up for themselves and everyone around them and give no ummm, cares what anyone thinks of them. I sometimes wish he was one of them, but thats just not his personality. He wants everyone to like him and while he's always nice to the kids who get picked on and never involves himself in it, he also isn't going to stand up to his friends and tell them to stop. He usually will come home and tell me about it, but he never wants me to do anything about it. So then I have to walk a fine line trying to decide what I do with that information. I don't want him to not tell me things, so if it's something I need to go to the school about I'll talk to my friend who is a teacher and she'll pass it on without telling who she got it from. I am trying to teach him that not everyone who says they are your friend are really your friends, but I feel like that is a lesson he'll have to learn from experience, which will probably come when one of his "friends" talks him into doing something dumb that gets him into trouble lol. He's a good kid and never purposely looks for trouble (unless hes with his brother), but sometimes, he's just dumb enough that it finds him
I know that there will be 1000 things that come up in the next few years that we need to talk to him about. We talk about the stupid viral challenges and dumb stuff people do on youtube but I know I'll never cover everything. I just want to try to give him the chance to make good decisions and to grow, while also being able to try to save him from doing something really really stupid.
This makes me very glad that I grew up before cell phones so there are no pics of me drunk in a field somewhere lol

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This makes me very glad that I grew up before cell phones so there are no pics of me drunk in a field somewhere lol

We had disposable cameras haha but to that end it was not the same at all as what you do now. There's some photos of me I'm sure but not the sheer amount of today that just happens with having a device that takes instant photos and instant ability to post to where ever.

And I wanted to say parental controls have existed for a very long time. My mom had them on my AOL account with AIM in the late 90s/early 2000s. To my knowledge she left AIM alone as far as monitoring it like she had access but didn't at least tell me she was going through it but did do it for sites although I don't think she did access for my MySpace for example. It was also used for time of day type thing but that was also when being on the internet tied up the phone lines sooooo lol.

Ugh the tik tok challenges

I totally get the personality thing. I was a person very resistant to peer pressure that it probably helped. Dumb things I did I did because I chose to but my mom knew none of my friends could actually talk me into something and that had been that way for so long. I also wasn't so interested in being the popular person by ditching friends or being mean to other people. But there is that learning who is your friend and who is your "friend". In talks with some of the people I've kept in contact with over the years that's actually something that tends to come up a lot...wishing we let go of the people who were not good for us earlier, or not placing value on a particular friendship that was lopsided. We had MySpace with the top 8 friends and that was how you knew your position with your friends that day because it could flip on a dime lol. These days there's way too many apps to keep track of, too many social profiles and more instantaneous ways of bullying. I think it's a good thing you're trying not to go so overboard on looking at everything he's doing but don't disagree about having a level of oversight there. It's even more important nowadays.

 

[dez1978]

We had disposable cameras haha but to that end it was not the same at all as what you do now. There's some photos of me I'm sure but not the sheer amount of today that just happens with having a device that takes instant photos and instant ability to post to where ever.

And I wanted to say parental controls have existed for a very long time. My mom had them on my AOL account with AIM in the late 90s/early 2000s. To my knowledge she left AIM alone as far as monitoring it like she had access but didn't at least tell me she was going through it but did do it for sites although I don't think she did access for my MySpace for example. It was also used for time of day type thing but that was also when being on the internet tied up the phone lines sooooo lol.

Ugh the tik tok challenges

I totally get the personality thing. I was a person very resistant to peer pressure that it probably helped. Dumb things I did I did because I chose to but my mom knew none of my friends could actually talk me into something and that had been that way for so long. I also wasn't so interested in being the popular person by ditching friends or being mean to other people. But there is that learning who is your friend and who is your "friend". In talks with some of the people I've kept in contact with over the years that's actually something that tends to come up a lot...wishing we let go of the people who were not good for us earlier, or not placing value on a particular friendship that was lopsided. We had MySpace with the top 8 friends and that was how you knew your position with your friends that day because it could flip on a dime lol. These days there's way too many apps to keep track of, too many social profiles and more instantaneous ways of bullying. I think it's a good thing you're trying not to go so overboard on looking at everything he's doing but don't disagree about having a level of oversight there. It's even more important nowadays.

I'm just old enough to have missed MySpace. I think I finally got on Fb in 2011 when I was pregnant with my oldest at 32 lol.

My 11 yr old just doesn't want anyone to be mad at him, except for me, dad and his brother apparently he's ok with that He just hasn't figured out how much trouble thats going to get him in yet. Parenting now is weird. Like there is such a hurry for kids to grow up and we put more school work and sports on them at an earlier age than we did any of that. Kids certaintly weren't in organized competetive sports at 8 when I was a kid in the early 80s, at least not where I lived. Now thats the norm. I've always wanted my kids to be kids as long as they can before they have to worry about scary adult stuff. When he was a toddler, I was like "my kid isn't going to have a tablet until he's 8" or whatever age I thought was old enough. But they get Ipads in school in Kindergarten now. My 3rd grader has homework every night. I don't remember having homework until jr high. It's weird parenting kids who are growing up with things you didn't have until you were a grown adult. Or maybe it's just me lol.