PENTAGON OFFERS IRAQI GENERALS MORTGAGE REFINANCING IN EXCHANGE FOR SURRENDER
U.S. Winning Spam War, General Franks Says
From its headquarters in Qatar, the United States Central Command sent Iraqi generals a new round of spam emails over the weekend offering Saddams top brass mortgage refinancing in exchange for their unconditional surrender.
General Tommy Franks of CENTCOM said that the spam emails, in which the Pentagon offered the Iraqi generals low low rates on their mortgage refinancing, may turn the tide in the psychological war being waged on the Iraqi military.
Our email makes it very clear to Saddams men that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, General Franks said. Rates may never be this low again.
While General Franks is optimistic that the refi offer will be enough to win the spam war in Iraq, he indicated that the Pentagon was planning to sweeten the pot with additional emails offering the Iraqi generals the chance to work from their homes and make up to $5000 a month doing so.
In addition, I am informing the Iraqi military command that I have lost thirty pounds in thirty days, General Franks said, and I am giving them the opportunity to ask me how.
In what some at the Pentagon are hoping will be the decisive blow in the spam campaign, CENTCOM sent a targeted email over the weekend to Saddam himself, promising to make the Iraqi strongman bigger, stronger, and longer lasting if he agrees to step down.
While General Franks has high hopes that this offer will succeed, one Pentagon source expressed doubt: We sent that same email to Osama and we still havent heard back from him.
**** BOROWITZ REPORTS ****
U.S. Winning Spam War, General Franks Says
From its headquarters in Qatar, the United States Central Command sent Iraqi generals a new round of spam emails over the weekend offering Saddams top brass mortgage refinancing in exchange for their unconditional surrender.
General Tommy Franks of CENTCOM said that the spam emails, in which the Pentagon offered the Iraqi generals low low rates on their mortgage refinancing, may turn the tide in the psychological war being waged on the Iraqi military.
Our email makes it very clear to Saddams men that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, General Franks said. Rates may never be this low again.
While General Franks is optimistic that the refi offer will be enough to win the spam war in Iraq, he indicated that the Pentagon was planning to sweeten the pot with additional emails offering the Iraqi generals the chance to work from their homes and make up to $5000 a month doing so.
In addition, I am informing the Iraqi military command that I have lost thirty pounds in thirty days, General Franks said, and I am giving them the opportunity to ask me how.
In what some at the Pentagon are hoping will be the decisive blow in the spam campaign, CENTCOM sent a targeted email over the weekend to Saddam himself, promising to make the Iraqi strongman bigger, stronger, and longer lasting if he agrees to step down.
While General Franks has high hopes that this offer will succeed, one Pentagon source expressed doubt: We sent that same email to Osama and we still havent heard back from him.
**** BOROWITZ REPORTS ****
