Patience. Learning patience.

[Silent1CB]

How do you learn patience?

Dealing more & more with aging parents. I can see changes in them. Things frustrate me easily, but not as easily as they did at one time.

I can see I have some challenges ahead and I'm going to need to change to handle them.

Its just my brother & I. And this isn't his area at all. The technology, people, legal, medical parts are all up to me. He handles other stuff.

I don't know how people do this. Its like the ultimate Customer Service job. And I sucked at Customer Service.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

It sounds like you have been doing it and doing it properly but just maybe need a break so you can continue.. hang in there.

 

[WDSearcher]

If it makes you feel any better, there was probably a time in your childhood or teen years when they were thinking the very same thing.

 

[Silent1CB]

If it makes you feel any better, there was probably a time in your childhood or teen years when they were thinking the very same thing.

I was the good responsible boring child. My brother provided plenty of angst for them. But I hear what you are saying.

 

[J Le]

How do you learn patience?

Dealing more & more with aging parents. I can see changes in them. Things frustrate me easily, but not as easily as they did at one time.

I can see I have some challenges ahead and I'm going to need to change to handle them.

Its just my brother & I. And this isn't his area at all. The technology, people, legal, medical parts are all up to me. He handles other stuff.

I don't know how people do this. Its like the ultimate Customer Service job. And I sucked at Customer Service.

I don't have an answer to your question.

I think you're right about the ultimate customer service job but I couldn't look at it as if it were a job - I'd be fired and disowned at the same time. Part of its you HAVE to do this so naturally you don't WANT to do it. I would have to look at it as part of my everyday life - like eating healthy and exercising. I love my mom so much and if she were to need me, I'd be there but, being totally honest, I don't know to what level. I think I would have a lot of support from my brother, especially financial, but he has a wife and kids and I'm so single I don't even own a plant.

Saying you have to change is a pretty big step. Make one of the challenges about how you can do this without losing an important part of yourself. Sounds selfish, but if you go crazy it won't help anyone.

 

[Silent1CB]

I say I need to change because I'm not the kind of person who likes doing this job. Even for my parents. Selfish. Yup.

So people are meant to be care-givers. Some people are meant to be parents.

I'm not a parent because I know I'm not a good care-giver. I don't have those feelings. I just don't.

Well, same for taking care of others. I just don't have that feeling. Yes, I feel its a job that's been given to me whether I asked for it or not. No matter what else is going on.

Not bad now. But there are times when I sure wonder what the heck I'll be like when times get tough. That's were I'm going to need the patience.

It doesn't help that this is done via phone too due to 100 mile separation. It doesn't matter that my DH will be deploying & that leaves me enough on my plate to deal with. And anything they look to my DH for now, like computer help, my dad for some reason now thinks I'm the go-to person instead.

 

[jackemail]

I am taking care of my Mom, who has moderate Alzheimer's. I have never been known for patience, and sometimes I want to scream---in fact, sometimes I do go outside or in another room and "let loose". Then I just remind myself that there is no way my Mother would want to be like she is right now..can't pick out clothes, can't unlock the door (or even ring the doorbell), has no short term memory at all, can't write checks, etc. She gets upset with the way she is....I have to have patience for her, and I do.

It's very hard.....and my brother is absolutely no where to be seen.

 

[minniecarousel]

I was lucky - my sisters and I were in it together. Mom lived with DH & I for the past 9 years. (she died on April 1 at age 93). When I wanted a break, one of my sisters was there. Not sure I could have done it alone.

However, all doctor's appts and day-to-day stuff fell to me. As she got more frail, I needed more patience.

The long-distance thing would be a problem too. Maybe you could find some services in their town?

Good luck. Patience can be learned.

Hang in there.

 

[Silent1CB]

Part of my problem is I just don't get along with my mother. Its not just me. Most people who really know her don't get along with her. She's fake nice to others. She's getting worse & very more controlling of my life than she has ever been.

Dad, who I get along with, is now starting to treat me like he treats my mother. As a stupid broad. Where he used to be so proud of me and my brains. Yet, he's got no trouble calling more & more asking for technology help. I can tell he's not as sharp as he was by what he's asking. I know he will be a complete bear as he gets worse. He doesn't like not being in control either. We've already had an episode in the hospital where he was an bleepin-bleeping bleep to everyone.

I have no idea why I even started this thread today. lol Nothing specific happened. And now I'm just rambling.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How do you learn patience?

Dealing more & more with aging parents. I can see changes in them. Things frustrate me easily, but not as easily as they did at one time.

I can see I have some challenges ahead and I'm going to need to change to handle them.

Its just my brother & I. And this isn't his area at all. The technology, people, legal, medical parts are all up to me. He handles other stuff.

I don't know how people do this. Its like the ultimate Customer Service job. And I sucked at Customer Service.

How about the Pro/Con list and a digital timer? You may laugh but I use the timer a lot. Now I have DH using it. We are overwhelmed at the moment and by setting the timer we force ourselves to work on a task sometimes.

Basically "learning patience" is being able to handle your anxiety about the situation at hand.

So with the Pro/Con list you write all the negative stuff down and then for every negative statement you put a realistic match to it.

Con side (This is just an example.)

Mom/Dad calls about X. You are getting frustrated and feel like you cannot take it.

Pro side.

You set the timer for a reasonable amount of time you can handle (Privately w/o their knowledge of course, since you are on the phone). If the call goes on, then you need to tell person that you will need to get back with them when the timer goes off (make an excuse).

So make a list of con (stuff that is bugging you) and pro (ways to handle it).

Create a schedule of things you are doing. I personally use a calendar. A notebook is also good for recording everything.

I guess what I am saying is that the more you can organize and record for reference the more "in control" you will have over the issues. Being proactive helps with lessening the anxiety of it all.

Anyway, that is just one of the tools we use.

My sister and BIL are in the highest care possible right now in their home with her MIL. Organization is so important so you don't freak out.

 

[Silent1CB]

How about the Pro/Con list and a digital timer? You may laugh but I use the timer a lot. Now I have DH using it. We are overwhelmed at the moment and by setting the timer we force ourselves to work on a task sometimes.

Basically "learning patience" is being able to handle your anxiety about the situation at hand.

So with the Pro/Con list you write all the negative stuff down and then for every negative statement you put a realistic match to it.

Con side (This is just an example.)

Mom/Dad calls about X. You are getting frustrated and feel like you cannot take it.

Pro side.

You set the timer for a reasonable amount of time you can handle (Privately w/o their knowledge of course, since you are on the phone). If the call goes on, then you need to tell person that you will need to get back with them when the timer goes off (make an excuse).

So make a list of con (stuff that is bugging you) and pro (ways to handle it).

Create a schedule of things you are doing. I personally use a calendar. A notebook is also good for recording everything.

I guess what I am saying is that the more you can organize and record for reference the more "in control" you will have over the issues. Being proactive helps with lessening the anxiety of it all.

Anyway, that is just one of the tools we use.

My sister and BIL are in the highest care possible right now in their home with her MIL. Organization is so important so you don't freak out.

Very handy. Thank you.

 

[SalandJeff]

Very tough to learn patience. I am wishing for more patience myself with my Mom right now. I have 2 sisters so it makes things easier. My Mom is 82 and has Parkinson's, but the most difficult thing is that her meds have affected her mind to some degree. She is forgetful and confused and often sees things that are not there, especially when she first wakes. A lot of the time we can laugh about it, her included. We also went through about 10 years with my Dad with Alzheimers. It was very difficult. You know they are not doing/saying things to annoy you, but you sometimes feel annoyed. Lots of different emotions, including lots of guilt.

It will be hard for you if they are so far away. You are wise to start thinking about it now, and think about what help will be available to them where they are. My Mom has a home health aid (helps with showering, etc.) 3 times a week, a companion/housekeeper 3 times a week, and a visiting nurse once a week. Don't wait until you get to a breaking point...get help as soon as you start to need it. That will help you with your patience level. Good luck.