Part 2, the BAD part of Easter

[KimRaye]

My 1st part (the GOOD part) was the $20,000 for 11 people to go to WDW thread...now, the bad part.

dH has probably had his last supper with my family and, is NOT included in that 11 people going to WDW.

I don't even know how to explain but, my Mom got SOOOOOOOOOO irritated by him tonight that, she got right in his face and, told him ........well, she told him what to NEVER EVER do again in her house. Basically, she was mild, given what I know about how she feels about him and, I SAW it coming AND, her words would've been mine, as soon as we got in the van to leave but, she beat me to it. Sooo, I don't really have a problem with what was said but, I KNOW dh is gonna make someone/everyone suffer for this. I have tried and tried, over the past several years to get a message through his head and, he just wouldn't listen. Now, he's one step from being unwelcome which, imo, he may as well be. It's not pretty when you show up at Mom's unwelcome.

I have not posted about past troubles with my dh before due to many reasons but, I really am seeking some advice now. Future holidays and BD's at my parents will be very hard to explain to my DD when her Dad doesn't (can't) come with.

I'm not angry with my Mom for saying what she did but, it has now brought this issue (and others) to the forefront and, I just don't know how to handle it. It'll be like being divorced but, dh will be at home.

right now. TIA

 

[Nutsy]

Hi mate

I know this is going to hard on littlel miss, but maybe just maybe it's about time it was out in the open & all above board.

I know it's hard on you mate, but maybe being upfront & honest from here on in will be the better option.

Sorry that is had to happen at Easter, but knowing some of what has gone before, I'd say it wasn't before time.

Little Miss does not need the "bad influence" in her life that he will bring................who knows tho........she maybe wiser than we think too & know more than anyone suspects.

{{HUGS}} mate.

 

[Kteacher]

No advice, just Sorry you are going through this

 

[helenabear]

Awww Kim, I wish I knew what to say to you. I guess I am lucky in that we don't have kids to worry about right now, but I do not get along with Luis' parents at all. For us there is some resentment they have towards me and I am not sure when it began or why (well I have an idea, but it wouldn't paint a good picture of Luis' family) Anyway, I just hope it won't be as bad as you think. I wish I had some real advice for you, but I don't. Good luck

 

[Big V]

So sorry Marty is having problems with your Mom Kim. I hope you can get everything worked out.

 

[dianeschlicht]

So sorry you had to have a holiday marred by bad vibes.
It sounds like maybe your DH has a few issues that he needs to address, and it sounds like you know it. Maybe it is time to meet the problem head on. I know it is easy to say that when I have no idea what the problem is, but it seems like maybe a problem has been there that has not been dealt with. Good luck and prayers are with you.

 

[powellrj]

WOW, what an Easter. I hope everything get worked out for your families .... good luck

 

[Serena]

Kim, I don't have a clue to what you are talking about, but it sounds like your mom did a good thing for all involved.

 

[Nutsy]

Kim, seems like this problem has festered into an awfully big sore that needs lancing.

Sorry mate, hope you find a solution that works soon.

{{HUGS}}

 

[Dan Murphy]

Sorry to hear it continues, Kim, I recall your mentioning to me in the past. I look forward to seeing you soon, and hopefully little Kelly too.

 

[Meriweather]

No advice....we just moved to another state

 

[peg2001]

Originally posted by KimRaye
I really am seeking some advice now. Future holidays and BD's at my parents will be very hard to explain to my DD when her Dad doesn't (can't) come with.

Well, you've asked for advice on a public board so here it is. Feel free to disregard it.

Tough as it may be, you need to make your family the center of holidays and celebrations. I'm talking about your immediate family, your DH and children. They need to know that they are the most important people in your life. I just can't imagine leaving DH at home to go celebrate holidays with my extended family. That's just not right.

If DH doesn't get along with your mom and other family, I think it is just fine to go for visits without him. It would probably be more relaxing and enjoyable for you if you aren't worried about all the conflict. However, these visits should happen before or after major holidays, which would be at home. JMHO.

Peggy

 

[Cruise04]

I don't have any public advice. But I can offer a hug.....

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

What did your husband do that upset your Mom so much?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am not in your shoes and don't know what the "issue" is so it is hard to comment but here is how I handle my family issues.

I agree with peg and MY family is my dh & 2 girls. If my dh has a problem with my family or vice versa we would ALL not go. If my dh is in the wrong he needs to fix it, period. I do not live with festering BS, we meet it head on. I don't have the time, patience, or energy to put up with it.

However dh and I are on the same page with that and we support each other. Boy does it help.

I hope you can work things out!

 

[poohandwendy]

I have to agree with Peg2001. I cannot imagine giving my children the impression that my extended family mattered more than one of their parents on holidays. It doesn't really matter why they do not get along, holidays should not exclude immediate (mother father child) family members in the festivities (even if that means staying home together without extended family).

It'll be like being divorced but, dh will be at home.

IMO, your children and you should not be spending holidays and BDs without him...unless you are divorced.

You have been very, very vague, which is understandable, but your post makes it appear that your mother is controlling your life.

I hope everything works out, it is so hard when family members cannot get along.

 

[Kimberle]

Originally posted by peg2001
Well, you've asked for advice on a public board so here it is. Feel free to disregard it.

Tough as it may be, you need to make your family the center of holidays and celebrations. I'm talking about your immediate family, your DH and children. They need to know that they are the most important people in your life. I just can't imagine leaving DH at home to go celebrate holidays with my extended family. That's just not right.

If DH doesn't get along with your mom and other family, I think it is just fine to go for visits without him. It would probably be more relaxing and enjoyable for you if you aren't worried about all the conflict. However, these visits should happen before or after major holidays, which would be at home. JMHO.

Peggy

I don't have a clue as to what this "problem" is, but I do agree w/ this poster. Your dh & your children are the main focus of your life. I would never attend any family celebration w/out any member of*my* family. You can visit your Mom, etc. w/ your kids alone, on "regular" days.

Now if your dh did something to upset you, and you alone, well, then that is between the two of you.

JMHO, but parents need to "butt out" of their childrens marriages.

Hope you can work everything out.

 

[Maleficent13]

I have a different view. I grew up in a great family and love them to pieces. When I got married, they supported me although I knew they didn't approve of my choice. After the marriage, it began to become clear that my ex (note: ex) was going to actively force me to choose between him and my parents. He needed to be the center of my universe, and anyone else who entered that orbit was immediately nixed. The OP's description of what happened at dinner reminded me ALOT of my last Christmas with the ex. He insulted my mother, refused to go to dinner, and I did choose him and stayed home as well, spending the next two days listening to all the reason my parents were horrible people. It was that holiday that finally made me say, "Enough's enough." Now I get to spend the holidays with my family AND my SO, who thinks they are wonderful and asks all the time when we're going to see them again.

Yes, your immediate family is your priority...but maybe you need to take a step back and ask if it's the right priority for you. I have to add that we did not have kids, and agree that would have added more difficulty to the situation, but ultimately, your family is the people who support you, not the ones who bring you crashing down.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I don't know the specifics of what the OP is talking about, but I disagree with those that say that she shouldn't exclude her DH from events with her family. It sounds like this is an ongoing thing with her DH and that she also thinks that he is in the wrong.

My father was a very difficult person to get along with. He alienated many of my mother's family members and friends. What he really wanted was for my mother to cater only to him and didn't see the need for outside friends/family at all. My mother is a wonderful friend/ daughter/mother an has found great pleasure in all her relationships. She lost many friends because of my father, but she stood by and supported him no matter what he did. He was emotionally abusive and controlling. They finally divorced when he told her she couldn't see her mother or children any more (he had done many horrible things at that point...noone had said he couldn't come into their home, but it was difficult to hide one's feelings) because we no longer welcomed him with open arms and behaved as though he was the best thing since sliced bread. A marriage is meant to support one another, but it doesn't mean that you should subjigate all your needs and desires either. You say that she should side with her husband, but I think he should support her in her desire to have a relationship with her family. I'm sure it's no mystery to him why he may no longer be welcome at his inlaws. He made the decision to behave in a certain way, she shouldn't suffer because of it, nor should he want her to. If my mother had allowed my father to continue to dictate who she may or may not see, she would be a very unhappy person. I would also have lost my mother and my children their grandmother.

Those of you who have been fortunate enough to never have experienced this kind of situation can't really know what you would do if it happened to you. You say she should support him and not see her family on birthdays and holidays. I say that he should support her and either make things right with her mother or support her in the decision to spend part of the holidays/birthdays with her family without him.

Kim, whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right choice for you and your children. You have to do what's best for everyone, not just your DH.

 

[mamajoan]

so sorry kims.. so sorry....... it is a hard decision.. but one that your dh has brought upon himself... and HE KNOWS IT! and He may have instigated the trouble unwittingly.. but he knew that by crossing the line... AGAIN... that this would have to happen.
It also gives him an excuse to be on the ''outs'' with your family. Gives him an ''excuse'' to not be the bad guy.. because since he will no longer be welcome at your families home.. it won't be HIS fault anymore.. ya right....

be honest with dd and ds.... they are smart kids... they probably have it figured out already.

love ya kiddo!
tonite?