Parents... WWYD???

[2binak]

This is a quote from the OP:

exactly... even though she was right in his face and according to everyone involved saying stuff like your team is a loser team and your a loser because you like them...and just generally being ugly and obnixious, it was still just WORDS. While she does have a rep for bullying and teasing etc, to my knowledge she does not have a rep for getting physical with other students.. just being nasty with them.

It doesn't mention if he tried to walk away.

I stand somewhat corrected. We know that she was saying things "like" what the OP wrote, but again, we don't know everything that was said and again, he's 7 & she's 14, twice his age and much bigger than him. I'm small and always have been very small for my age. I know what it's like to have people bigger than me in my face and it's not comfortable, no matter what they are saying. If they are in your face, that's threatening enough. The OP's son tried telling the girl to get away and that didn't work.

 

[ccgirl]

I stand somewhat corrected. We know that she was saying things "like" what the OP wrote, but again, we don't know everything that was said and again, he's 7 & she's 14, twice his age and much bigger than him. I'm small and always have been very small for my age. I know what it's like to have people bigger than me in my face and it's not comfortable, no matter what they are saying. If they are in your face, that's threatening enough. The OP's son tried telling the girl to get away and that didn't work.

I am in no way defending the actions of the 14 year old girl. I was also bullied in school. BTW, if what the OP writes is what happened that is not considered bullying either. I'm on the anti-bullying committee at my DD's school. All MA schools had to come up with anti-bullying procedures. Anyway, bullying is repeated and targeting offenses toward the same individual. So, if she repeatedly went after this little 7 year old than that would be bullying. A little OT, but wanted to make that clarification. I am 5'2" so not large by any means. But, was still taught walking away may be the hardest thing to do but it is also the best. Remove yourself from the situation first. I know, as well, it is uncomfortable and threatening to have big people close to you saying not nice things but it's still not a reason to resort to violence.

 

[2disneyboys]

This is a quote from the OP:

exactly... even though she was right in his face and according to everyone involved saying stuff like your team is a loser team and your a loser because you like them...and just generally being ugly and obnixious, it was still just WORDS. While she does have a rep for bullying and teasing etc, to my knowledge she does not have a rep for getting physical with other students.. just being nasty with them.

It doesn't mention if he tried to walk away.

to my knowledge he did not try & walk away, nor was he trapped by her... in our conversations discussing the incident he just said that "she was making me mad so I told her to stop saying that because that I am not a loser and my team is not a loser. She kept saying it and I told her to stop again, but she did not and then I said STOP it (child name) and then I pushed her away from me. Then she triped over (other kid) and fell and hit her face" My original post just states that he was getting frustrated with her and told her multiple times to stop and then pushed her.

I think the important thing is he is aware (from a real life situation which hopefully is a closed matter) that he needs to THINK about his options and make sure he considers all solutions (yelling for a teacher, walking away, attacting adult attention) and only consider physical contact as a LAST resort when the incident is a verbal incident only... However if someone puts hands on him.. well... he knows we fully support him doing what needs to be done to get away from someone hurting him.

and CCgirl..the cast majority of the time, the girl is with other kids her age and frankly, I get the impression most of them don't play with her because she is "nasty" to everyone... which is probably the main reason she would have even gone to the area the younger kids were at the "One" time all the kids were out together.. I mean.. what 14 year old do you know that would go out of thier way to "hang" with younger kids(not related to them or a friend of the family)... most of the ones I know once they get that "teen" on the back of thier age tend to want to try & hang w/ the older kids not younger ones. and of course, the principal can't say anything to me (privacy etc) but again, I've gotten the impression from other moms (and my SIL ) that this girl has gotten in trouble before for her "mouth" which is again prob why the school choose primarly addressing the concern with her rather than my son (multiple offense vs. first offense). When I say the school did not punish my son, I mean he did not get suspended, or lose recess or anything like that. He did have a parent conference (me him DH) with the principal which was a brand new experience to him (he's never been in trouble @ school) and was spoken to sternly by the principal.. and then of course, us parents also addressed it at home.

I agree w/ Mermaid02 about being scary to him and the flight or fight instinct.. I think if this type of thing occurs again, he'll think and hopefully choose the more apropiate response of flight vs fight!

I don't entirely blame him for this situation but I feel he had his share of the blame as he's old enough to make decisions about what his actions are and needs to understand there are consequenses of his actions. He knows that we feel what she did was wrong and that he should have handled his actions a little differently and if he had, then he could have played his ds this past week (assuming he could even find it!) or even watch some cartoons if he had wanted...

 

[ccgirl]

2 DisneyBoys - we were posting at the same time again.

Anyway, just wanted to say kudos to you...you sound like an awesome parent. You listened to the whole story and used this as a learning tool for your son. Now he will have better tools to get out of a situation like this in the future, should this happen.

Something definitely sounds "off" with the 14 year old. I wonder what is going on in her life to make her act the way she acts?

 

[Mermaid02]

This was probably the first time he's been in a situation where the fight or flight instinct set in.... He might react differently the next time, not just because of the punishment he got, but seeing the consequences of his actions.

 

[roscoepc1]

I would have hugged him, kissed him, had a short chat about what he could do the next time, and left it at that. The girl deserved what she got. I have zero tolerance for bullying, and will support my children 100% for defending themselves. Obviously she wasn't letting him just "walk away" and he did what he had to do to get away from her. It's not like he kicked her or something once she was down!

eta to add, I don't believe in "it's just words". Words hurt. Words hurt for years afterwards. MY mother was emotionally/verbally abusive, and most of the bullying when I was a kid was verbal, and I STILL have nightmares, 40+ years later! I often thought I'd rather my mother had hauled off and hit me, rather than forever being "not good enough"....

 

[ZellyB]

2 DisneyBoys - we were posting at the same time again.

Anyway, just wanted to say kudos to you...you sound like an awesome parent. You listened to the whole story and used this as a learning tool for your son. Now he will have better tools to get out of a situation like this in the future, should this happen.

Something definitely sounds "off" with the 14 year old. I wonder what is going on in her life to make her act the way she acts?

Agreed. It sounds like you handled it very well. While I think it's perfectly understandable why your son did what he did, it represented a great moment for you to teach him about options he has for dealing with this kind of situation in future. It also allows him to understand the unintented consequences that can so quickly occur when you escalate confrontation to physical conflict.

And, I know this other child was 14 and much larger and she clearly has issues. But, I'm a bit surprised at how seemingly pleased some adults on this thread are that another child ended up with a broken nose out of this incident. Last I checked, 14 is still a child and if she engages in this type of behavior frequently, she likely has some challenges of her own that she is facing.

 

[ccgirl]

Agreed. It sounds like you handled it very well. While I think it's perfectly understandable why your son did what he did, it represented a great moment for you to teach him about options he has for dealing with this kind of situation in future. It also allows him to understand the unintented consequences that can so quickly occur when you escalate confrontation to physical conflict.

And, I know this other child was 14 and much larger and she clearly has issues. But, I'm a bit surprised at how seemingly pleased some adults on this thread are that another child ended up with a broken nose out of this incident. Last I checked, 14 is still a child and if she engages in this type of behavior frequently, she likely has some challenges of her own that she is facing.

Best post yet. I guess that is what I was surprised at...that parents would actually condone physical violence when he could have walked away. The OP even said, her son admitted he could have walked away but got mad and pushed her. That is also why I made my point that when someone escalates a confrontation to a physical thing they are the ones actually breaking the law as they are committing battery.

 

[sparklynails23]

everyone was excited about superbowel weekend

Not being the spelling police, but this made me laugh out loud. It was a pretty bad game.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would have hugged him, kissed him, had a short chat about what he could do the next time, and left it at that. The girl deserved what she got. I have zero tolerance for bullying, and will support my children 100% for defending themselves. Obviously she wasn't letting him just "walk away" and he did what he had to do to get away from her. It's not like he kicked her or something once she was down!

eta to add, I don't believe in "it's just words". Words hurt. Words hurt for years afterwards. MY mother was emotionally/verbally abusive, and most of the bullying when I was a kid was verbal, and I STILL have nightmares, 40+ years later! I often thought I'd rather my mother had hauled off and hit me, rather than forever being "not good enough"....

I agree. There is no way I would ever punish my kids for standing up for themselves or each other. He pushed her away because she was in his face. She is 14 years old! Too bad so sad. Stop picking on little kids. I am probably going to get flamed but I would tell my child I was proud of them for sticking up for themself and I would probably do something special with them. Oh- and if my child was the 14 year old I would have told them that if they weren't picking on someone then this wouldn't have happened and they have nobody to blame but themself.

ETA- I also wanted to add that walking away isn't always the answer. I am so tired of the bullying nonsense. The bullies get away with it because the other kids are brainwashed at school that if you stick up for yourself then you are a bully and will get punished. It is ridiculous.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Was the teacher coming over to help him?

I would do the same as you. Your son should not have pushed the girl. I'd give him a consequence, but also go over many times what he could have done instead.

And if the teacher wasn't coming over to help him, but still witnessed it, I would definitely question why not.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

ugh....so my 7 year old was at school last week and and a 14 year old was teasing him and pretty much up in his face... he got frustrated with the 14year old and told her to leave him alone (multiple times) eventually pushed her away from him (did I mention my 7 year old is a peanut of a kid (around 40 pounds) and the 14 year old is about 5'2 and about 125 pounds?) anyway the 14 year old stumbled (I think she was sort of caught offguard), stumbled and ended up tripping over another kid and fell and hit her face.. and fractured her nose! the school ruled it an accident (teacher witnesses) and did not take any action against our son other than to talk to him about not pushing other kids and actually addressed the bullying/teasing from the older kid as that is what sort of esclated the situation.. (and from what I understand from other mothers, this 14 year old has developed quite the reputation of bullying)

While I can see how the maturity of a 7 year old would commonly react this way, we have still addressed this with our son... in our family, you DO NOT put your hands on someone (much less a girl!) unless it's to get them off of you... someone using ugly words in an ugly way do not justify physical contact. he has NOT been a happy camper getting his first real taste of being grounded. (because of his age, to reinforce the lesson, we talk each day about why he has these loss of privilages and how to handle this type of situation in the future) I do recoginize that he is 7 and she was 14 and more than twice his size, however, DH & I felt it very important to make sure our son knows that we do not find it acceptable for him to use physical contact to resolve a problem. (use your mind.. thats what makes us different from the animals!). Don't get me wrong.. I feel a child should always be able to defend themselves but they should not let "words" be the catylist to physical violence... afterall they are just words... someone saying them does not make them TRUE!

well, frankly, I'm surprised at the # of people (friends/family/coworkers) that all have commented that they would NOT have punished DS if he was theirs... keep in mind, we did not beat him or anything..he has lost some privilages(no tv, electronic's etc for a week) and that's all... so I guess my question is how would you have addressed this had you been the mom of the 7 year old?

If your story is correct how do you justify punishing the victim?

How does a 7 year old reason with a 14 year old bully who will not leave him alone?

You should be proud that he stood up for himself and if that girl's family decides to take you to court, I would tell them that you will counter-sue for harassment and mental anguish.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My child is 13.
I could never, EVER, in a million years, imagine my child harassing a tiny 7 year old. This kid does, very obviously, have some major issues. I mean, think about how 'off' this is.

I do appreciate the fact that the OP clarified that it was just 'words'....

But, getting in a young child's face is harasment.
It is wrong.
The 14 year old is very obviously the one with the problem.

And, I still stand by my earlier post that I would not punish my little 7 year child because he happened to be the target of a teenager with some serious problems.

I do understand where the OP is coming from.
But, I would have handled it a bit differently.

 

[melissapealo]

I wouldn't have punished my son in this way, but every parent handles things differently. I only hope the girl doesn't come back and try to get revenge on him and him not react due to fear of being punished. Also if this girl is a known bully, then I think the bigger question is why hasn't the school done something about this already? I hope they do something now before something more serious occurs.

 

[stitchlovestink]

OP - I think you handled it correctly. Although, silently, I would have been proud of my DS for standing up for himself words are not a reason to lay hands on anyone ...ever. We teach our kids to walk away. Spoke to my family member that is a school resource officer and was told that your son could have actually been charged with battery and you could have legally been responsible for any medical bills. Had he been hit first that would have been self defense but pushing someone that did not physically touch you first would not have been considered self defense. As others, we teach our children to defend themselves, when appropriate. Although words are hurtful, we teach the turn the other cheek approach. If they are hit first, then than may hit back. Just another side of thought here.

Here where we are, he could not have been "charged" (would've been 2nd degree assault) because of age... under age 8 cannot be charged...
The 14 y.o. could very well have been charged w/ harassment though and sounds like maybe she needs to be to understand the consequences of her actions since this seems to be a pattern with her!!

I'm thinking any judge sitting behind his or her bench, looking at a great hulking 14yo girl and your little peanut of a boy, would probably throw the case out. Once he quit laughing, anyway.

I know there's some bad ones out there, but most judges in my experience are not unreasonable people.

Not making light of the situation...but this sounds like it could've made an interesting episode of Judge Judy!

 

[Agri]

Are you going to damage your child forever because of how you chose to punish him over this incident?? No, I really don't believe so.

BUT that said, I think if I were to have punished my child in this type of situation it would've only been for a day or two, if at all. Honestly, I really don't think that I would've have punished him. He clearly was the victim first and foremost. Why should he get punished for standing up for himself? While you do not agree with the way he went about standing up for himself, my concern would be that you might now have given him the wrong idea about being able to stand up for himself. His own opinion of what might happen punishment-wise may allow him to be victimized by others much more easily. I agree that you needed to discuss how he handled it, and how he could've done better. BUT (and you asked for opinions! ) he is only 7!! I think he did a GREAT job standing up for himself to someone twice his size and age and you should be pleased that he didn't cower to the bully. but that is just my .02

I agree.

There's nothing wrong with discussing better ways to handle a situation, but grounding him for pushing a girl who was bullying him is ridiculous. He wasn't trying to start a fight or injure her, just to get her out of his personal space. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she should be treated differently! You don't need to ground a child to make something a learning experience. I honestly hope he doesn't think he'll have to just 'take it' in the future to avoid being grounded at home.

When I was in 7th grade, I had been repeatedly bullied and harassed by a kid and eventually stood up to him and pinched his neck. He didn't bleed and his neck was fine by the end of the day. One of the assistant principals decided *I* was bullying this kid and gave me two days ISS. My parents knew the situation and were LIVID. I didn't actually hurt the kid and the kid had been calling me names, etc. for OVER A YEAR. They took it to another assistant principal and about a year later it was finally taken off my record. My parents didn't ground me for it (which I honestly totally expected them to do) and instead supported me throughout the whole process. I also received numerous lectures on better ways to handle similar incidents in the future.

 

[mjkacmom]

If your story is correct how do you justify punishing the victim?

How does a 7 year old reason with a 14 year old bully who will not leave him alone?
.

A seven year old doesn't reason with a 14 year old, he walks away - a very good lesson to learn. And I don't care what ds12 says to ds8, ds8 is not allowed to touch him. He can walk away, or come get me. If I catch ds12 saying things to get ds8 riled up, ds12 gets in trouble. But sometimes, ds8 will overreact, and get physical. Thanks goodness he had siblings to practice keeping himself under control at home!

 

[PaulaSB12]

A seven year old doesn't reason with a 14 year old, he walks away - a very good lesson to learn. And I don't care what ds12 says to ds8, ds8 is not allowed to touch him. He can walk away, or come get me. If I catch ds12 saying things to get ds8 riled up, ds12 gets in trouble. But sometimes, ds8 will overreact, and get physical. Thanks goodness he had siblings to practice keeping himself under control at home!

Speaking from experience walking away does not work, the only way to deal with a bully is to fight back. Telling your parents and the teachers is the way to make the bully attack more, not only that others will join in because you are a snitch.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Speaking from experience walking away does not work, the only way to deal with a bully is to fight back. Telling your parents and the teachers is the way to make the bully attack more, not only that others will join in because you are a snitch.

I agree. Walking away "could" work with a reasonable person. But bullies by definition aren't reasonable. I'm all for trying that. It seemed like the 7 year old tried, in his way, by telling the girl to stop. She wouldn't stop and kept harassing him. Even if he did walk away, her not stopping and getting in his face indicates a probability that she would follow him and continue.

 

[sunnyday123]

I would not have punished my 7 yo in any way. I don't condone getting physical, but someone is "up in his face", I think he had every right to push her away.
I want to teach my kids to stick up for them selves and not be bullied.
I would have handled it differently but like another poster said, we all have our own style, and you did nothing wrong, just different than what I would have done.

This is what I would also do. However, I would be extremely ticked off that a 14 year old was bullying someone 1/2 her age, and would expect the school to handle this maybe a little differently than normal.


And to myself I would say, she got a dose of karma.