Parents... WWYD???

[2disneyboys]

ugh....so my 7 year old was at school last week and and a 14 year old was teasing him and pretty much up in his face... he got frustrated with the 14year old and told her to leave him alone (multiple times) eventually pushed her away from him (did I mention my 7 year old is a peanut of a kid (around 40 pounds) and the 14 year old is about 5'2 and about 125 pounds?) anyway the 14 year old stumbled (I think she was sort of caught offguard), stumbled and ended up tripping over another kid and fell and hit her face.. and fractured her nose! the school ruled it an accident (teacher witnesses) and did not take any action against our son other than to talk to him about not pushing other kids and actually addressed the bullying/teasing from the older kid as that is what sort of esclated the situation.. (and from what I understand from other mothers, this 14 year old has developed quite the reputation of bullying)

While I can see how the maturity of a 7 year old would commonly react this way, we have still addressed this with our son... in our family, you DO NOT put your hands on someone (much less a girl!) unless it's to get them off of you... someone using ugly words in an ugly way do not justify physical contact. he has NOT been a happy camper getting his first real taste of being grounded. (because of his age, to reinforce the lesson, we talk each day about why he has these loss of privilages and how to handle this type of situation in the future) I do recoginize that he is 7 and she was 14 and more than twice his size, however, DH & I felt it very important to make sure our son knows that we do not find it acceptable for him to use physical contact to resolve a problem. (use your mind.. thats what makes us different from the animals!). Don't get me wrong.. I feel a child should always be able to defend themselves but they should not let "words" be the catylist to physical violence... afterall they are just words... someone saying them does not make them TRUE!

well, frankly, I'm surprised at the # of people (friends/family/coworkers) that all have commented that they would NOT have punished DS if he was theirs... keep in mind, we did not beat him or anything..he has lost some privilages(no tv, electronic's etc for a week) and that's all... so I guess my question is how would you have addressed this had you been the mom of the 7 year old?

 

[mommasita]

ugh....so my 7 year old was at school last week and and a 14 year old was teasing him and pretty much up in his face... he got frustrated with the 14year old and told her to leave him alone (multiple times) eventually pushed her away from him (did I mention my 7 year old is a peanut of a kid (around 40 pounds) and the 14 year old is about 5'2 and about 125 pounds?) anyway the 14 year old stumbled (I think she was sort of caught offguard), stumbled and ended up tripping over another kid and fell and hit her face.. and fractured her nose! the school ruled it an accident (teacher witnesses) and did not take any action against our son other than to talk to him about not pushing other kids and actually addressed the bullying/teasing from the older kid as that is what sort of esclated the situation.. (and from what I understand from other mothers, this 14 year old has developed quite the reputation of bullying)

While I can see how the maturity of a 7 year old would commonly react this way, we have still addressed this with our son... in our family, you DO NOT put your hands on someone (much less a girl!) unless it's to get them off of you... someone using ugly words in an ugly way do not justify physical contact. he has NOT been a happy camper getting his first real taste of being grounded. (because of his age, to reinforce the lesson, we talk each day about why he has these loss of privilages and how to handle this type of situation in the future) I do recoginize that he is 7 and she was 14 and more than twice his size, however, DH & I felt it very important to make sure our son knows that we do not find it acceptable for him to use physical contact to resolve a problem. (use your mind.. thats what makes us different from the animals!). Don't get me wrong.. I feel a child should always be able to defend themselves but they should not let "words" be the catylist to physical violence... afterall they are just words... someone saying them does not make them TRUE!

well, frankly, I'm surprised at the # of people (friends/family/coworkers) that all have commented that they would NOT have punished DS if he was theirs... keep in mind, we did not beat him or anything..he has lost some privilages(no tv, electronic's etc for a week) and that's all... so I guess my question is how would you have addressed this had you been the mom of the 7 year old?

I just want to start by saying that I "try" not to judge others, may they be parents or not.

I can not say for sure, but I would have probably "not" punished my child. I would have done as you did. Sat down and explained things. It is a hard thing, because if you tattle, then that is your label, but I ALWAYS teach my kids not to be bullied.

I must question: Why in the world are these children in the same schoolyard? A grade 2 or 3 with 8th or 9th Grade? I would not be happy in this situation at all.

 

[aaarcher86]

I probably wouldn't have punished him. I definitely agree that you don't put your hands on someone for words, BUT, if someone was up in my face I'd definitely push them away as well.

It's a tough situation.

 

[Magpie]

ugh....so my 7 year old was at school last week and and a 14 year old was teasing him and pretty much up in his face... he got frustrated with the 14year old and told her to leave him alone (multiple times) eventually pushed her away from him (did I mention my 7 year old is a peanut of a kid (around 40 pounds) and the 14 year old is about 5'2 and about 125 pounds?) anyway the 14 year old stumbled (I think she was sort of caught offguard), stumbled and ended up tripping over another kid and fell and hit her face.. and fractured her nose! the school ruled it an accident (teacher witnesses) and did not take any action against our son other than to talk to him about not pushing other kids and actually addressed the bullying/teasing from the older kid as that is what sort of esclated the situation.. (and from what I understand from other mothers, this 14 year old has developed quite the reputation of bullying)

While I can see how the maturity of a 7 year old would commonly react this way, we have still addressed this with our son... in our family, you DO NOT put your hands on someone (much less a girl!) unless it's to get them off of you... someone using ugly words in an ugly way do not justify physical contact. he has NOT been a happy camper getting his first real taste of being grounded. (because of his age, to reinforce the lesson, we talk each day about why he has these loss of privilages and how to handle this type of situation in the future) I do recoginize that he is 7 and she was 14 and more than twice his size, however, DH & I felt it very important to make sure our son knows that we do not find it acceptable for him to use physical contact to resolve a problem. (use your mind.. thats what makes us different from the animals!). Don't get me wrong.. I feel a child should always be able to defend themselves but they should not let "words" be the catylist to physical violence... afterall they are just words... someone saying them does not make them TRUE!

well, frankly, I'm surprised at the # of people (friends/family/coworkers) that all have commented that they would NOT have punished DS if he was theirs... keep in mind, we did not beat him or anything..he has lost some privilages(no tv, electronic's etc for a week) and that's all... so I guess my question is how would you have addressed this had you been the mom of the 7 year old?

Well... I wouldn't have punished my kids, but that's because I'd be more worried that the 14yo might be out for revenge once she gets back to school. I'd be working with my kids to have a plan in place for the next time this kid gets in their face.

I don't want my kids to get hurt, and I think that might be a real possibility in this case. I also don't want my kids to stop telling me about conflicts at school, and I'd be worried that if I punish them in circumstances like this - they just won't tell me the next time it happens.

Also, I happen to know that MY own kids would be horrified at having actually hurt another kid bad enough to make them bleed. So really, that'd be punishment enough in my mind. I'd still have a chat with them about unintended consequences, "see what pushing people can lead to?" and responsibility, of course.

But - he's your kid, and your parenting style is different from mine. You didn't do anything wrong. I just would have handled it differently.

 

[npmommie]

ugh....so my 7 year old was at school last week and and a 14 year old was teasing him and pretty much up in his face... he got frustrated with the 14year old and told her to leave him alone (multiple times) eventually pushed her away from him (did I mention my 7 year old is a peanut of a kid (around 40 pounds) and the 14 year old is about 5'2 and about 125 pounds?) anyway the 14 year old stumbled (I think she was sort of caught offguard), stumbled and ended up tripping over another kid and fell and hit her face.. and fractured her nose! the school ruled it an accident (teacher witnesses) and did not take any action against our son other than to talk to him about not pushing other kids and actually addressed the bullying/teasing from the older kid as that is what sort of esclated the situation.. (and from what I understand from other mothers, this 14 year old has developed quite the reputation of bullying)

While I can see how the maturity of a 7 year old would commonly react this way, we have still addressed this with our son... in our family, you DO NOT put your hands on someone (much less a girl!) unless it's to get them off of you... someone using ugly words in an ugly way do not justify physical contact. he has NOT been a happy camper getting his first real taste of being grounded. (because of his age, to reinforce the lesson, we talk each day about why he has these loss of privilages and how to handle this type of situation in the future) I do recoginize that he is 7 and she was 14 and more than twice his size, however, DH & I felt it very important to make sure our son knows that we do not find it acceptable for him to use physical contact to resolve a problem. (use your mind.. thats what makes us different from the animals!). Don't get me wrong.. I feel a child should always be able to defend themselves but they should not let "words" be the catylist to physical violence... afterall they are just words... someone saying them does not make them TRUE!

well, frankly, I'm surprised at the # of people (friends/family/coworkers) that all have commented that they would NOT have punished DS if he was theirs... keep in mind, we did not beat him or anything..he has lost some privilages(no tv, electronic's etc for a week) and that's all... so I guess my question is how would you have addressed this had you been the mom of the 7 year old?

I would not have punished my 7 yo in any way. I don't condone getting physical, but someone is "up in his face", I think he had every right to push her away.
I want to teach my kids to stick up for them selves and not be bullied.
I would have handled it differently but like another poster said, we all have our own style, and you did nothing wrong, just different than what I would have done.

 

[2disneyboys]

I just want to start by saying that I "try" not to judge others, may they be parents or not.

I can not say for sure, but I would have probably "not" punished my child. I would have done as you did. Sat down and explained things. It is a hard thing, because if you tattle, then that is your label, but I ALWAYS teach my kids not to be bullied.

I must question: Why in the world are these children in the same schoolyard? A grade 2 or 3 with 8th or 9th Grade? I would not be happy in this situation at all.

it was a "perfect storm" type of morning! my kids go to a very small private school... between 8am and 8:30 is parent dropoff and pretty much it is the only time of the day that any of the kids in differnt grade brakets are in the same area together. Even then, the older kids usually hang out in the social hall with teachers while the younger kids burn off some energy on the playground with teachers.. It just happend to be a nice morning (as in warmer than normal temp's) so all of the kids & teachers were outside. Like I said... the "perfect storm". I don't like that the situation occured but after discussing w/ the principal etc I am ok with how it was all handled.

I hope I also conveyed that we don't condone bullying either.. I just don't want my kids to think that the first reaction is to punch someone just cuz you don't like what they said or how they said it.

Thanks

 

[hereyago]

I would not have punished my 7 yo in any way. I don't condone getting physical, but someone is "up in his face", I think he had every right to push her away.
I want to teach my kids to stick up for them selves and not be bullied.
I would have handled it differently but like another poster said, we all have our own style, and you did nothing wrong, just different than what I would have done.

ITA!!!!!!!


And the girl factor. I don't have a son, but if I did, it would be ok if he let the girl who was doing that to him have it. You can't say oh don't hit a girl, but a girl can whomp someone up side the head and have the "you can't hit a girl card"?

You don't hit a girl who hasn't hit you, but if they do, all bets are off.

 

[stitchlovestink]

Are you going to damage your child forever because of how you chose to punish him over this incident?? No, I really don't believe so.

BUT that said, I think if I were to have punished my child in this type of situation it would've only been for a day or two, if at all. Honestly, I really don't think that I would've have punished him. He clearly was the victim first and foremost. Why should he get punished for standing up for himself? While you do not agree with the way he went about standing up for himself, my concern would be that you might now have given him the wrong idea about being able to stand up for himself. His own opinion of what might happen punishment-wise may allow him to be victimized by others much more easily. I agree that you needed to discuss how he handled it, and how he could've done better. BUT (and you asked for opinions! ) he is only 7!! I think he did a GREAT job standing up for himself to someone twice his size and age and you should be pleased that he didn't cower to the bully. but that is just my .02

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Well... I wouldn't have punished my kids, but that's because I'd be more worried that the 14yo might be out for revenge once she gets back to school. I'd be working with my kids to have a plan in place for the next time this kid gets in their face.

I don't want my kids to get hurt, and I think that might be a real possibility in this case. I also don't want my kids to stop telling me about conflicts at school, and I'd be worried that if I punish them in circumstances like this - they just won't tell me the next time it happens.

Also, I happen to know that MY own kids would be horrified at having actually hurt another kid bad enough to make them bleed. So really, that'd be punishment enough in my mind. I'd still have a chat with them about unintended consequences, "see what pushing people can lead to?" and responsibility, of course.

But - he's your kid, and your parenting style is different from mine. You didn't do anything wrong. I just would have handled it differently.

I feel the same way, so I would have done about the same here.

OP, don't let anyone make you feel bad for your parenting style. We all choose to parent differently, and that doesn't mean that you were wrong.

 

[NikitaZee]

I wouldn't have punished him. He's a young child, and a small child at that. Even if this larger girl didn't actually put her hands on him first, no doubt he felt physically threatened with her being aggressively in his face like that. I think in this particular instance, it's more important that he looked after his safety, and knows that you and your husband will back up the decision he made. If this were an evenly matched altercation, meaning size and/or age, I would've considered the punishment appropriate. I am not faulting you for your decision, however. Sorry this happened to your boy.

 

[2disneyboys]

(sigh!) good points.. maybe I've been a bit tough on him. on the upside, I didn't take his birthday celebration away from him ~ I did let him have his party still!

I do appreciate the different perspectives.. they are all very good and valid points...its such a fine line as a parent to walk...wanting to make impact, but not always having the luxery of 24 hours to "think it out" before you have to react.

hey...thats what I'll do... require a 24 hour waiting period between the behavior and the ruling... Thanks for the outside perspective guys... its gives me something to consider..

 

[bumbershoot]

they should not let "words" be the catylist to physical violence... afterall they are just words... someone saying them does not make them TRUE!

I agree with this. And I agree with helping your son make sure he knows this. My guy is coming up on 7, and I know that if he'd caused someone to fall and break their nose, he would be very very sad, even without punishment. Not that I wouldn't talk to him about it ad nauseum, LOL, but I'm not sure he would have needed punishment from outside as well.

You don't hit a girl who hasn't hit you, but if they do, all bets are off.

Ah, if only it worked that way. But alas my dad has the court bills for my half brother, and my brother has it on his record, because he and his girlfriend got into a mutually physical fight, but only ONE of them was arrested, and that ONE was NOT the girl....

Best to teach ALL kids self control! And a bit of reality for the boys...

 

[2disneyboys]

I agree with this. And I agree with helping your son make sure he knows this. My guy is coming up on 7, and I know that if he'd caused someone to fall and break their nose, he would be very very sad, even without punishment. Not that I wouldn't talk to him about it ad nauseum, LOL, but I'm not sure he would have needed punishment from outside as well.
Ah, if only it worked that way. But alas my dad has the court bills for my half brother, and my brother has it on his record, because he and his girlfriend got into a mutually physical fight, but only ONE of them was arrested, and that ONE was NOT the girl....

Best to teach ALL kids self control! And a bit of reality for the boys...

This! A friend of mine is an attorney and said that he would not be surprised if the other mother did not sue us!!! Hopefully it does not come to this, but I would hope if that was the case, the judge would take into consideration the entire story and not just that my child pushed her child and her child got hurt. My poor boy was very sad that he hurt her, even on accident. I actually THOUGHT I was taking it easy on him by taking the TV and DS from him for a week.. I mean, 1/2 the time he does not even WATCH tv or know where his DS is so I figured... we'd use this as the lesson something he might miss a little, but not like taking his bike or toys from him.. those he would REALLY miss .. he also knows (from our MULTIPLE conversations about this) that what the girl was doing was NOT ok and but that we prefered he handle it differently and we have discussed other examples. I see what a PP means though about his size putting him at a disadvantage and feeling threatened. I don't want to be the parent visiting thier child in the hospital or worse, but I also don't want to be the parent getting served with court papers either! isn't there a middle ground somewhere!!!!!

Thanks everyone

 

[2disneyboys]

Are you going to damage your child forever because of how you chose to punish him over this incident?? No, I really don't believe so.

BUT that said, I think if I were to have punished my child in this type of situation it would've only been for a day or two, if at all. Honestly, I really don't think that I would've have punished him. He clearly was the victim first and foremost. Why should he get punished for standing up for himself? While you do not agree with the way he went about standing up for himself, my concern would be that you might now have given him the wrong idea about being able to stand up for himself. His own opinion of what might happen punishment-wise may allow him to be victimized by others much more easily. I agree that you needed to discuss how he handled it, and how he could've done better. BUT (and you asked for opinions! ) he is only 7!! I think he did a GREAT job standing up for himself to someone twice his size and age and you should be pleased that he didn't cower to the bully. but that is just my .02

very true... I hope we have conveyed this to him.. ... maybe I need to have one more FRANK conversation with him to make sure he knows this.. (and yes, while it goes against everything in me, I am proud that my tiny 7 (now 8) year old took down the playground bully. he's suddenly the popular man on campus! ) The mamma cat in me always wants to come out tearing into anyone who makes life even a little uncomfortable for my babies... It's hard to temper that with life learning lessons.... It would be nice to have an undo button for life!

 

[diznygirl]

I wouldn't have punished. It was defense, and he didn't punch (if I understand correctly) he pushed. He didn't intend to harm, just distance himself. And in future instances I wouldn't want my child to worry about getting in trouble with me vs defending himself.

 

[sparklynails23]

If he doesn't normally put his hands on other kids, he must have been very upset and frustrated to have pushed the big girl. I wouldn't punish him. I would hug him, and when he calmed down, I would talk about it with him.

If the other parents decide to sue, they'll probably go after the school. What kind of school lets a 14 year old pick on 7 year olds, anyway?

 

[shortbun]

I would not punish my 7yo for defending themselves against a 14yo bully. He's probably scared enough already. Tell him not to push and leave it at that.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would not have punished my 7 yo in any way. I don't condone getting physical, but someone is "up in his face", I think he had every right to push her away.
I want to teach my kids to stick up for them selves and not be bullied.

I agree----there is no way I would have punished my child for that.
But I there is also no way in heck I would send my 7 year old to a school where they are with 14 year olds-I see no good coming out of that!

 

[Nayan]

I guess I see things differently but I say good for him! He doesn't need to take that kind of crap, girl or not and if the parents try to sue I'd say she deserved it. I was bullied in Jr. High and one day my tormentor was relentless. I told her "I'm telling you once, leave me the 'beep' alone". She got right in my face and said "Why? what are you gonna do?", laughing as were her friends who also taunted me. I kicked her right in the face. She lost teeth and I broke her nose. I got in trouble and they tried to play the remorse card but I didn't play along. I did tell my teachers she wouldn't leave me alone and I told my parents, but they were like "just make friends with her" . I just kept saying she deserved it and I was never picked on again. Nobody has to take any kind of abuse and if you don't stand up for yourself they'll keep at it. Teach him ways to let people know they are not to pick on him but don't punish him for this bully getting in his personal space. She deserved what she got and maybe she'll learn not to do it again.

 

[Tinijocaro]

DS 11 was running around with some friends last spring and the one friend was chasing him and hitting him on the head with a wallet full of change. DS finally turned around and pushed him. The kid fell, hit his face on a fence and had a HUGE, UGLY bruise around his eye.

I did not ground ds, but talked to him about just getting away cause any time you push someone, something bad can happen. He doesn't have a habit of hurting people, so I didn't see the need in punishing him.